Am I really such a bad person? Epic length, sorry.

[Barracuda]

First I need to put some background in.

I have always had a problem "internalizing" my thoughts, especially when I am distressed, as opposed to talking about them. I know this is a bad thing and I have worked very hard on it over the years, learning the hard way to only talk about bad things to friends or my counselor if I am seeing one, and only to talk openly with close friends. I just cannot trust anyone else to give a damn, and frankly, even if I tell people I'm suicidal I get ignored or told to stop whining. I made friends some months ago with a girl from my Bible study. She had a background of personal pain like I do, and has struggled with substance abuse for some time. At first, we got along great. We hung out and had fun, spent a lot of time together, I even thought I might have feelings for her. She was always sort of reserved, but made a genuine effort to be my friend, even going so far as to "bribe" me with gifts and things. Then things changed. I guess it started when she started realizing, after cleaning my apartment a few times (this was against my express wishes, by the way, I KNOW I'm a slob and just have a very hard time making myself care about cleaning or that kind of thing; to top it off, I'm bad at it and have a very hard time cleaning things up at all. Sounds lame, I know, but I just can be pretty helpless at doing cleaning tasks beyond basic dusting and vacuuming.)that I wasn't going to keep my apartment up to her standards. She always complained about it when she came over, and then started grousing at me about not exercising like we planned to (here, I have to say that she never seemed to want to nail things down and come up with a specific time. She seemed to feel that since she mentioned she works out in the morning, that I should understand that was an invitation, even though I asked her if she wanted to start walking together and she never answered.) She got quieter and more sullen and withdrawn as the last couple months went on, then she did two things that really pissed me off. First, I picked her up from a doctor's appointment and took her back to my place (her parents were out and she couldn't get a ride any other way.) On the way, I bought us some Chinese food for dinner. When I picked her up, she bitched me out about how she didn't WANT Chinese food, and sulked when I asked if she wanted me to make her something. Finally, she got up and stormed out, saying if I "wouldn't feed her" she would go get some damn food herself. Later on, she called, drunk, from down the street at the liquor store and I went and got her. I had to let her spend the night because her parents would throw her out if they found out she had been drinking again. She's been getting more and more surly since then, and anything I want to talk about anything that's been happening in my life, even a little, she wants me to stop "bitching." Then Friday she made me madder than a hornet. We were hanging out at her place. She wanted to "get out and go somewhere", on my gas dime of course, since she can't drive and even though we made an arrangement she would help pay for gas she helped use up. I said no, I didn't have the money, and I don't; I have paid for her meals lately, I even bought her cigarettes the night before as well as soda and other things. She sat there for a while, fuming. Finally, she got up and said she was throwing me out. I said fine, I just needed to use the bathroom. She snapped, "Use your own fucking bathroom!" and stomped out. The next night, she bought me some gas but wouldn't really apologize. I opened up to her and let her know I just felt very alone lately, like everyone hated me, that I've always felt inferior and like I'm a worthless nuisance. She stayed quiet, and then when I dropped her off, she snapped at me that if I didn't bitch so much maybe people wouldn't hate me. Then she posted on my Facebook wall that she was "so tired of the bitching" and I "needed to grow up and get a life."

I feel....crushed. I don't make friends easily, and I have been hurt so much in the past. I know I act in ways that's irritating to people at times, and I try not to, but...I have issues. Psychological issues, that's as far as I am willing to say here. I don't know if it's worth trying to save the friendship at this point, but she's literally the only friend I see on a regular basis outside of my weekly Bible study. I have no other friends I see more than once every few weeks. Am I wrong here? I thought close friends listened to your problems, but I feel like since I'm a guy, I'm expected to shut up and soldier, and I just can't. I feel so isolated, so cut off, and so hated. The more I need help, the more disdain and indifference I feel I get. I have thought seriously about suicide, again, and just don't know what to do. I was there for her, when her parents threatened to throw her out, when she drank, when she wanted I don't know how many rides...God, I am so sick of people being so callous.

[ArcticChicken]

Honey, the problem isn't you.

It sounds like she's having some serious problems right now, problems that mean she isn't a good friend. I'm not saying that her behavior is excusable, I'm just saying it's not your fault.

Talk to us, we'll listen.

This is the link to the depression sticky. There are a lot of good resources in there.

[yeahwhatev]

Relationships are two way. You found someone with some baggage in common and you seem to be fighting your demons, while she is letting them run her. If you want to salvage some semblance of a relationship, cut her off. Tell her you are tired of being her doormat and you will talk to her when she can treat you properly. Then stick to that. Whining that you are "unfair" or calls for "compromise" will mean you will be used again ASAP.

If you don't want to drop her, give a little "tough_love" and let her get angry. Walk away until she can convince you she realizes she was wrong... and why!

[Barracuda]

It gets worse. Now she wants back the Kindle she gave me as a gift as well as the phone she was letting me use on her account. I agree I shouldn't keep the phone, but I just put like $20 on it I can't afford to just eat, and she won't pay me back. She's threatening to call the police if I don't immediately return both of them or give her $90. I'm about ready to go over the edge. I feel sick inside. She's also informed me that "most of" the people in our Bible study feel the same way about me she does. God, I don't know what to do. I half expect the cops to show up any minute. And my heartbeat is irregular.

[dendawg]

Call her bluff. Unless she has a receipt, she has no proof the Kindle is actually hers. As for whether or not the bible study group hates you, call her bluff on that too in the middle of the group. She's emotionally abusing you, and I wish you luck in getting yourself out of it any way you can.

[yeahwhatev]

A gift is a gift. She can ask for the Kindle back, but it is yours. If you have the receipt for the minutes, hit the Sergent's desk at your local precinct and cut her off at the pass. That way, the police will inform HER about her rights in the matter.

[Slayer]

Even if she does have the receipt, it was still a gift.

I've had to "breakup" with friends before but have never asked for gifts back. She's just doing it to be spiteful. I doubt the others in the bible group feel the same as her as she says they do. Sounds like they wouldn't appreciate her behavior.

[Barracuda]

Now she says I don't appreciate all the things she has done for me. She says I didn't say thank you for the phone or Kindle (I did, and it was her idea to give them to me. I did NOT ask for them.) She says she isn't appreciated for cleaning my apartment (which I have asked her NOT to do, since I don't like being nagged about it and it makes me less likely to want to actually do it and I want to learn to get in the habit of it at my own pace, however slow that is.) I honestly don't know what else I could have done at this point, but I am feeling a little less upset about it; this isn't my fault.

[yeahwhatev]

People with addictions will shift blame and anger onto those around them. You can work around it until or IF she regains control over herself.. but honestly?? She's abusing your friendship. Use the minutes, return the phone, and don't talk to this person until they decide to treat you better.

[Kristev]

You don't need her.

I'm very familiar with the dark side of the emotional spectrum. To me, black looks like light grey.

This person is no friend to you.

By the way, you're free to message me whenever you wish when you need to talk to someone.

[dragon_wings]

*hugs* This girl is emotionally abusive and really manipulative. Reminds me of my ex actually.
I agree about the phone-use the minutes and return it to her-and the Kindle-it was a *gift*. Separate yourself from her. Staying in contact with her will just continue to bring her down.
I'm also here if you want someone to rant to/a shoulder to cry on/a friend to listen.

[protege]

I honestly don't know what else I could have done at this point, but I am feeling a little less upset about it; this isn't my fault.

Repeat after me: "Bugger off, bitch."


Seriously, return the phone, and cut all ties with her. She's going to do her best to make you feel miserable and bring you down. She's (pardon my French) fucking with your emotions in an attempt to "get even." Cut all ties with her. Don't return phone calls, don't deal with her in any way. Let her get out of the mess that she (and she alone) created. She's not worth it.

...and this is coming from a guy that doesn't make friends easily either. I took a *lot* of shit from most people, and usually keep to myself. I also know what it's like to deal with mental issues...and how much it sucks when nobody wants to listen about your problems.

[Barracuda]

Well, I'm taking everyone's advice to heart. Our group is small, so cutting off ALL contact with her is out of the question unless I want to lose EVERYONE in the group, but I will be returning her phone (she still insists I "return" the Kindle, but I'm going to tell her to pound sand on that. It's registered in my name now with Amazon, she said it was mine to keep at the time, so I will NOT be returning it.) Now the group leaders--who are much older than the rest of us--are getting involved to help mediate, so hopefully we can fix this without too much more crap. However, she's done. Even if she grovels and begs for forgiveness (unlikely, since she is under the delusion that SHE'S the injured party,) I'm not going to hang out with her anymore or drive her anywhere. I will only be around her with other people around, period. I'm still upset, but only because I hate drama and this kind of nonsense, and it is happening right when my life is already changing--I'm going to be going to school online starting tomorrow. Thank you all for your advice and support. If more happens, I will post here.

[TheSHAD0W]

Call the phone company's service line; you may be able to transfer the minutes to another phone on the same service.

[Sapphire Silk]

It gets worse. Now she wants back the Kindle she gave me as a gift as well as the phone she was letting me use on her account. I agree I shouldn't keep the phone, but I just put like $20 on it I can't afford to just eat, and she won't pay me back.

She is very manipulative . . . and she is succeeding. I'm glad you're sticking to you guns on the Kindle.

My response initially would have been since the Kindle was a gift you have every right to keep it. Whether or not you return it depends on how you feel about the situation; either action is appropriate.

As for the phone, I would tell her she can either give you $20 or she can wait until you've used the minutes.

She sounds like a controlling and co-dependant personality. The comment about your Bible group was intended to make you cave. I'm glad you didn't.

Put her in the past and move on. You can so do much better than her.