Am I really such a bad person? Epic length, sorry.

[ParkingWitch]

Just a paranoid thought from me.

Have someone (or several someones) from Bible Study walk you out to the car when you are leaving and try to meet up with someone to walk in with. Give her fewer opportunities to cause problems and have sane witnesses around when you have to be near her.

[Jester]

Ahem...time for Uncle Jester to weigh in.

First, Barracuda, a few comments about your actions.

I am not going to tell you you you are whining, for I DO understand depression, from several angles. I WILL, however, tell you that you are making many excuses for your actions. You say you "just don't clean well." That is an excuse.

You say she cleaned your apartment against your wishes. Well, it's one thing to tell someone, "stop that...you don't need to clean," and it's quite another to take a stand and say, "Look, you need to stop that. Do NOT clean my apartment. I will either clean it or not, but it is not YOUR place to clean it for me...you are only making me feel bad." You say it was against your wishes, but you still allowed her to clean it. In essence, you accepted an unwanted gift, apparently on multiple occasions.

Finally, you said you would exercise with her, but you never got around to actually doing it. You say she would never nail down a time, but if you agree to do something, you are just as responsible for deciding when and where to do it as the person you agree to do it with. By saying she would never specify a time, you are placing the blame on her, and not accepting any for yourself, when both of you are to blame.

You are clearly lazy and good at making excuses. I should know, as I am lazy and good at making excuses. (Don't ask me about the tidiness of my room...please, don't.) And you certainly have some issues that you need to work out.

That being said, you are also, according to your post, making some effort to work those issues out. It could be argued that you need to make more effort, but the point is, you recognize the problem, and that is the beginning point. While you can be criticized for much of this, and should for some of it, at least you realize that there is, indeed, a problem.

Which is more than I can say for this life energy-sucking emotional vampire that you call a "friend." Why you use this word for her, I have no idea. Because this walking taking whack job does not deserve that title. She deserves a few descriptors, don't get me wrong, but "friend" is nowhere near that list.

Allow me to digress for a moment. I don't normally share private messages that someone sends me, but this seem so apropos that I don't see how I shift my normal rules slightly today. (I hope my friend will forgive me for this...)

For just today, I received an interesting PM from a friend, thanking me for some advice I gave her a few years ago. I thanked her, and told her I hadn't the vaguest idea what she was talking about, and asked her to elaborate. Here is the conversation that ensued, with names and non-pertinent details deleted:

HER: I would like to thank you for some advice you gave me years ago.
ME: Do tell?
HER: Years ago I was telling you about how a friend was being horrible to me. You flat out told me that that person was not a friend of mine. Totally changed some of my ways of thinking and I have been happier since.
ME: Wow. I can't think of a better compliment to be given than that!
HER: You are welcome and also thank you.
ME: But do tell...how did it change your thinking, and how did you implement that to make yourself happier? Just curious, since I usually don't get much feedback on such things.
HER: Made me realize that just because I knew the person and that we were once good friends that I am not married to said person and have to put up with their BS. That if the relationship is only adding heartache and upset then it is best to end association. As a result I have dropped people from my life and spent time with people who are positive forces. Being around people who are not there to drag you down but to actually be a friend has made my life more positive.

I added the emphasis to that last line because I think my friend hit the nail right on the head.

By the way, I did not post this just to inflate my own ego. For one thing, it's inflated enough. For another thing, I give a lot of advice, and like anything else, sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not. I like to think I give more good advice than bad, but that's not the point. The point is this:

This person is not your friend. She is a psychotic succubus, and has already drained you plenty. Do not allow her to drain you more. She is not worth your time, your money, your emotions, or your effort.

In short, you should ignore her and remove her from your life. Or if you prefer, tell her to go fuck herself...and remove her from your life. I tend to favor the latter, but the former is the more mature version.

As for the Kindle, it was a gift. She can go piss up a rope on that count.

As for the phone, I would say use it until your money on it is out or she turns it off. It being her account, she can turn your phone off whenever she wants. If she actually paid for the physical phone itself, technically that is hers too, but she gave it to you, so again...go take a long walk on an unfinished pier.

As for the police...on the Kindle she has nothing, on the phone she has so little as to probably make the police laugh at her. "Wait....you gave him the phone, and now want it back, and he won't give it back? And you want us to do...what, exactly?" They will probably tell her to turn the phone off and stop bothering them. If for some reason they do come your way, be very polite and respectful to the officer, tell them she gave you the phone so you naturally assumed it was a gift, and then hand the police officer the phone in question. No muss, no fuss. While I highly doubt the last part will happen, you should be prepared for that. Towards that, I would advise you to write down all your contacts in a little pocket address book and delete them all from the phone, as the last thing you want is this walking train wreck having access to your friends, family, and work.

As for whether or not the bible study group hates you, call her bluff on that too in the middle of the group.

I would strongly advise against this. For one thing, as lawyers say, never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to. Some of the group may not like you. Some may. There is not a single person alive that was universally loved by everyone they met. So don't sweat it. They haven't thrown a bitch fit like she has or thrown you out of the group, have they? So apparently, as a group at least, they still either welcome you or at least tolerate you. Also, why give this drama queen a stage to perform on? Ignoring her very existence, and only dealing with her when absolutely necessary, would be your best route.

SHORT VERSION FOR THE ATTENTION-IMPAIRED: Fuck her. Ignore her. Keep the Kindle. Keep the phone as long as you can. Always be polite and respectful to the police, and follow what they say. Fuck her. Ignore her. She's not worth your time.

Get on with your life. And your life's ingredient label should read "contains 0% hateful succubus cunts."

But that's just my opinion. Good luck!

[Barracuda]

Thanks for the advice, Jester. It's more that I have so much crap to work on that I'm spread kind of thin. For example:

1. Instead of hating my life, job, and prospects and bitching about it, I am now going back to school for a better life.
2. Instead of being depressed and hating life, I am taking medication, vitamin D, and saw a counselor for a year.
3. Instead of being helpless, I am at least keeping the clutter down and making an effort to clean when I have the energy. Granted, I could do better, but very few bachelors DON'T fall into that category.
4. By joining the group, I have attempted to mitigate my loneliness by reaching out and getting to know new people.

I am also attempting to deal with family issues, get my finances in order, get a job, and deal with diabetes. I just don't consider cleaning as high priority as these other things. If I really tried to stop her cleaning, she got angry and it started a fight. I suppose I should have insisted anyway, but I hate conflict (although there's only so much I'll take to avoid it before I get mad.)

[Seshat]

You only have so much energy, so yes, you have to prioritise your self-improvement efforts.

I would recommend a counsellor or some other specialist's assistance in the prioritising; only because someone with depression is usually perceiving problems where none exist, and not perceiving some of the problems that do.
In other words, I don't think you incapable of prioritising your own life, I think that your disease is capable of screwing up that effort.

Regarding cleaning: may I recommend this as a sequence of priorities? Start at the top, work down as you have the energy.
* Do hygiene cleaning as the top priority. Failing on that can affect your health significantly.
* Determine which of your things can be damaged by improper storage. Give them 'homes', and make sure they always get put in their 'home'.
* Ensure you always have pathways and walkways clean, and comfortable places to sit, work, cook, and do other normal activities.
* Then, when you & your counsellor or other advisor decide it's time to make it a priority, read up on de-cluttering and organisation techniques, and make yourself one haven of no-clutter.
* Make that haven a pleasant place: decorate it with whatever ornaments you choose (or no ornaments). Have your most comfortable chair there. Or whatever works for you and that place.
* Make a second haven. Then a third. Then let the havens of no-clutter gradually spread and merge with each other. Eventually your whole home will be comfortable, pleasant, and clutter free.



Let me back Jester up on the friends issue. Friends should be people who make your life better. This doesn't mean they should be perfect! Hell no!
Heck, I can imagine Jester and I being friends-in-the-same-physical-place: our interests are so very different, our strong personalities would probably clash, it'd be an .... interesting friendship, to say the least.
But I think that on the whole, we would add dimensions to each other's lives.

That being said, don't feel too much pressure to be the perfect friend yourself. My depression constantly tells me that I'm a burden to my friends and family, that my needs bring them down, and .. well, I don't need to expand on that, I'm sure.
But my friends and family reassure me that yes, I do have needs. Yes, I do have wants. But I also give by being myself, who I am, and by doing the things I choose to do for people.
I'm sure you can and will do the same, in your own way.

[Jester]

Barracuda, good to hear that you are taking steps to deal with your issues. As I said, recognizing them is the first step, but obviously there are more steps, and clearly you are taking those steps. Well done.

If I really tried to stop her cleaning, she got angry and it started a fight. I suppose I should have insisted anyway, but I hate conflict (although there's only so much I'll take to it before I get mad.)

And how did that work out for you? Oh, yeah...it ended up in a conflict anyway. LOL!

Seriously, if this shit doesn't tell you want kind of person this wench is, nothing will.


And Seshat....I have friends with many varied interests, habits, hobbies, and personalities. Just saying.

[Barracuda]

Believe me, I GET what kind of person she is now---someone who needs some serious help before she can be a good friend to anyone. And someone I am better off being distant with.

[BroSCFischer]

She sounds a lot like my sister, Lynn. Glad you cut her out.

SC

[Seshat]

And Seshat....I have friends with many varied interests, habits, hobbies, and personalities. Just saying.

In the unlikely circumstance that I end up in Key West, I'll look you up.

[Becks]

I have friends with many varied interests, habits, hobbies, and personalities. Just saying.

And sometimes friends with none of the above.

[Barracuda]

Aaand it just escalated AGAIN. I just got done talking to a sheriff's deputy who showed up at my door wanting to know about "stolen property" I had. I explained my side of things and she believed me and told me she would tell her that it was now a civil matter, but I half expect this vindictive little troll to try to sue me as well.

[Barracuda]

And it backfired! The deputy wants the phone as evidence, since I have texts on it dating back to January proving she knew I had the phone, and the moron reported that it was stolen and she'd "only noticed the "theft" a week ago." They may prosecute, but at the least the deputy promised my ex-friend would get a VERY stern warning and talking to. She's extremely lucky she didn't pull this stunt a few weeks ago before she got off probation, or it would have violated her probation.

[Jester]

Clearly I overestimated police intelligence, but I guess if the Succubus is manipulative enough, she can make it sound like you "stole" her phone.

With any luck, the texts on your phone will prove to the cops that the Succubus knew you had the phone, and was okay with it, and then they can tell her where she can stick it. Hopefully you will get the phone back, or at the very least be allowed to get your contacts out of it.

I am glad they didn't ask for the Kindle....or did they?

[Barracuda]

Oh, they asked, but I told them what was up with that, and they agreed I didn't need to return it and it wasn't "stolen".

[Rapscallion]

Can you get something in writing from the police about that? Hard evidence is bloody good in these situations.

Rapscallion

[Seraph]

Can you get something in writing from the police about that? Hard evidence is bloody good in these situations.

Rapscallion

Seconding this.

Also, look into being prepared for filing for harassment. Her behavior's going off the charts, and quickly. You never know what sort of false accusations she'll start throwing your way next, and how much damage she might be able to do.