Is this normal?

[Kanalah]

Honestly I'm not sure why I'm even writing all this up. I think it's just myself being whiny again.

Okay so hubby and I have been married almost 10 years. We've been through hell and back in our relationship, but over the past 5 years it seems things have started to head downhill again.

Some background first: Hubby takes anti-seizure meds that affect his short-term memory. I come from an abusive family and hubs knows this. My family hates both of us and the kids. Hubby knows I have depression and anxiety issues. Hubs comes from a family that is very well off and he's used to that type of lifestyle. I think I've mentioned before that MIL's house looks like the cover of a magazine and she cleans the entire house daily.

So 6 months after our (downtown JOP) wedding, my husband lost his job. We put everything we could in storage and donated the appliances to my family and the rest to Goodwill. Hubby and I lived out of the car for 2 years.

When we finally were able to get an apartment, both of us were working. We split housework equally. When I was let go, everything was still equally divided. Then our daughter was born. That was when things changed. Then he decided that my half was the baby and the inside of the house. Outside of the house was his. Of course his idea of outside chores was paying someone to do it, which we really couldn't afford.

Now we have two kids, and I am doing all the housework. Since we can't afford for someone to do lawnwork, now that's apparently my job as well. He works from 7am-4pm and then plays on the computer. I work from 6am-10pm because now I'm doing all the housework, taking care of both kids and running my home business.

If I do ask for help he either pretends he didn't hear me ask for help, or makes a snide comment like "You don't come to my office and help me out." I feel so worn down that it's not even funny. He's said that my depression is just me being lazy, or that I'm being unfair towards him. I always make sure that he and the kids are taken care of - most weekdays I don't even have time for lunch.

I don't talk to him about it anymore because he always turns it into a fight and I'm really tired of fighting. He doesn't believe in divorce, and has said if I really want to leave, he'll pay me $1,000 a month to have my own place. Also one of the "rules" of the house is because of his seizures he has to get enough sleep so if we have a fight -and even if it's his fault - I'm still the one sleeping on the couch.
I guess I finally decided to just ask...is it normal for one person to do so much? I honestly feel like a big whiny baby about it.

Before anyone asks - No we don't have money for me to just take some time off and relax. Even as a kid I never got a chance to just relax and play so I have no idea how to do that.

I'm getting near the end of my rope now because now he's complaining that I drink too much soda and he wants to cut me off again. The lightbulbs in my sewing room/ office have burned out and he has to either buy a ladder (at $250) or hire a handyman ($125) to fix them, and he basically told me this weekend that it's not gonna happen ever. And I have a ton of yardwork to do tomorrow.

[morgana]

Is this normal? In some marriages, yes. Is it fair? No, no and no. Is it just you being whiny? No, no and no.

I'll suggest counseling, but I doubt he'll go. Or that he'd listen if he did go.

I'm not going to try giving you advice, kiddo, except for this: Think seriously about whether or not you want to live this way for the rest of your life. Explore any options you can think of to improve how you're living.

Oh, and these two comments: 1) $250 for a ladder is a crock of shit. Lowes has 'em for $40. and 2) Who cares whether HE believes in divorce? Especially if you're the one who's suffering . . .

I'll keep a candle lit for you.

ETA: one more thing. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal?

[csquared]

Every household is different, so there is no "normal".

Some would say that your arrangement is great. However, you don't like it, so that is a problem.

You need to make a choice. You need to contact a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. Save the marriage or end it.

By the way, his views on divorce are irrelevant. If you file, he does have a say. Also, $1,000.00/month is a bad deal.

One last thing, ladders are not that expensive. How high is the light and how tall are you?

[Kanalah]

We can't decide if it's a 15 or 20 foot ceiling, so it's not like we can just stand on a chair to fix it. Otherwise, I'd have taken care of it 3 weeks ago.

I'd pay the $125 for the handyman, but we closed my bank account years ago.

[iradney]

I would say write down exactly what you do for a week.

e.g. Monday - 6 - 7 am get kids ready for school, make breakfast, rinse dishes, put trash cans on the curb.
7 - 8 am drop kids off at school, go to work
8 - 5 pm work
5 - 6 pm - pick up groceries on the way home, clean kitchen, get dinner on the go
6 - 7 pm - feed kids, help out with homework, load washing machine
7 - 8 pm - load dryer, bath kids, put kids to bed, clean bathroom
8 - 9 pm - do ironing, get kids lunch/clothes/school stuff ready for tomorrow
9 - 10 pm - tidy bedroom and living area, go through bills

When it's laid out like that, it's kind of hard to deny.

Also, just because he doesn't believe in divorce doesn't mean YOU don't have to. My Dad doesn't believe in God, my Mom's a Roman Catholic.

[csquared]

We can't decide if it's a 15 or 20 foot ceiling,

Yup, that is an expensive ladder.

[Seraph]

kana...I just....

<big hugs> you poor dear.

Take iradney's and morgana's advice, and please, please please, think of yourself and the children. You can ping me any time you need me, just let me know.

[AnaKhouri]

In our household, this division of labor is normal. But then, my husband works 6 am-7 pm, not a normal 8-hour day. All I ever ask him to do is mow the lawn, because the mower is too heavy for me to push.

In a house where both partners work (and you DO work every bit as much if not more than him), this is not normal or healthy at all. It is not normal to be told you're not worth as much as him because of how you work. It is not normal to be treated like a child being told they can't have a treat (soda).

Since your family is out, is there anyone in his family who is sympathetic, whom he respects and might listen to? I seem to recall his mother is useless in this regard, so is there anyone else?

I really wish I could help more. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

[Treasure]

Ok - I want apologize in advance - this is something that is very close to my heart, so if I get on my soapbox, I hope you understand.

for starters the year is 2012, not 1912, not 1812 or even 1712.... you are not chattel. You have EVERY right to want an equal division of household responsibilities.

Your husband is not being fair to you, and is using his seizures to emotionally blackmail you.

the next time he pulls the "You don't come to my office" Crap with you, remind him that he also doesn't spend 8 hours a day with HIS children (you didn't get yourself pregnant) and that computer time, comes after all responsibilities have been taken care of...

if you cook dinner, he can clean the kitchen afterward..... while you give the kids their baths and get them ready for bed...

the fact that you are or have been on medication for your depression makes it as real a medical concern as his seizures - if he skips 1 dose will he have a seizure - unlikely, but he takes it anyway.... even with taking the medication properly, is it 100% guarantee that he won't have one? probably not.... guess what - depression pretty much works the same way - just 'cause you're on the meds doesn't mean everyday will be a good day, and just because you don't take them doesn't automatically mean you're going to have a bad day.....

My father didn't want a divorce from my step-mom, but she moved out, and got a divorce anyway.... she said it was worth the extra $ to have him served with papers, rather than deal with him.....

and if you do decide to file for divorce, ( remember it takes 2 to have a relationship) you don't have to cite "irreconcilable difference" ... you can always do what Cher did when she divorced Sonny Bono - as i recall (from a movie about them/her) she cited "slavery".....

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[trailerparkmedic]

Emotional Abuse

Read this, and think about it. Maybe he's just an asshole and not really abusive, but just because he's not as bad as your family was to you doesn't mean he's good.

I'm super annoyed on your behalf that he's dictating how much soda you can drink and controlling your finances without allowing you any input. If I needed $150 for work and my husband said no, heads would roll.

You can divorce someone without their "permission." Many lawyers have free or low cost initial consultations.

Oklahoma Child Support Calculator
And that's not counting alimony.

[Luna Baby]

Can't speak on the relationship part. Hubby and I work on that daily and we've been married 20 years. It's difficult at times, but we love each other and make it work. I'm terribly sorry for you that it's not what it should/could be.

As for your lightbulbs/ladder issue. Do you have ANY contacts that could help? Someone at church that might have a ladder you could borrow or that would bring it over and change the bulbs for you? If not at your church, or if you don't attend somewhere, maybe check with your locals churches to see if anyone does "handyman" work for those that need a little help. Here locally, our churches do all sorts of stuff, usually for either single women, single moms, or the elderly, but I'm sure they would consider you if you asked.

[ohsobitter]

The lightbulbs in my sewing room/ office have burned out and he has to either buy a ladder (at $250) or hire a handyman ($125) to fix them, and he basically told me this weekend that it's not gonna happen ever.

You can have a small victory over him with this. I know it's not much, but it might help give you a sense of empowerment. They make extendable light bulb changers. It's like a citrus basket you can put on the end of an expandable pole to change them with.

Sorry you're going thru such a rough time.

[Kittish]

This approach will probably be viewed by a lot of people as looking for a fight, but I've used it as a last resort and it did get my point across.

Make him do his own laundry and his own cooking. Anytime you have to move something of his to clean under or around it, put it back exactly where it was, don't do ANY picking up after him. Or, if he's a cluttersome sort and you can't cope with that, toss his stuff into a pile on his side of your bedroom (reasonably gently, it's still bad form to break another person's stuff, even in a situation like this).

My own experience with this method ended in one hell of an explosion (took a bit over a week), but also got the point across that taking care of the house wasn't all sitting around 10 hours a day watching sappy soap operas and eating bonbons.

Even if he won't agree to counseling, a marriage counselor might be able to help you with coping with the situation, even if that means going to one on your own. If it does come down to ending the marriage, then as everyone else has said, it doesn't matter whether he believes in divorce or not.

As far as the light bulb issues goes, have YOU checked how much it would cost to have a handyman out to change it? $125 seems a bit excessive for what would be, at most, 15 minutes worth of work. $50 or $60 I can see as being reasonable, to cover the cost of coming to your house. Others have had good ideas, too, about checking with local churches for such services. Also, a lot of hardware/DIY places around here do equipment rentals, it might be worth checking into to rent a ladder for a day or two.

[auntiem]

First: * Big Hugs *

Second: I think that you should open a bank account for your business (with you as the sole signator). For two reasons - 1) it is just good practice for a small home business (it helps at tax time) and 2) you'll have an account with you as sole signator in case you do decide to leave / get a lawyer. First order of business - pay a handyman or buy one of those bulb changing poles out of the account (the bulb is out in your sewing room -yes?) that is a legit business expense. Buy yourself soda from that account or out of your petty cash fund if you have to, but seriously - does your husband listen to himself when he talks? He is going to deny you soda when he goofs around on the computer for hours on end?

Third: I think I agree with Kittish - I think it is time to go on strike. Take care of your children and your home business only for say a week (or until he mows that lawn himself). Use that time to market yourself to more (and better paying) customers. You are using this time to build your business which will only help your family - he can't really argue out of that. He will figure out good and fast how much you do. Use it as leverage to change the "house rules" - 'cause that that getting kicked to the couch (even if he causes the fight) clause is bs.

[Jester]

I'm a man. I'm 41. I grew up in the Seventies with my mom staying at home and taking care of the house and her 3 children (and I'm the quiet one...think about THAT!), and my dad working.

And I think your husband has his head up his ass.

The arrangement described above worked because my parents both agreed to it. And my father was hardly lazy around the house. He was the handy man type (though probably as woefully mechanically disinclined as I am), and also took care of any yard work (other than my mothers's garden, which she maintained meticulously, as she loved it).

If both parties agree to the way a relationship is set up, or believe that that is the way it should be, due to religious or cultural upbringing, that is one thing. But when one of the two people in a relationship feels that they are basically getting the short end of the stick, as you do, there is something wrong.

The fact that he won't do any yard work anymore, that he's basically told you about your home business that you can get stuffed (refusing to do a damn thing to change the light bulbs), and that he has offered to basically pay you to go away doesn't bode well for the future of this relationship. To be blunt, it seems like he no longer gives a shit about it.

Now, as in any relationship, he is not solely to blame. You allowed yourself to submit to this particular setup, you allowed yourself to be without a bank account (and thus no access to funds), you allowed yourself to be painted into this corner you find yourself in.

So, if you are not happy with the current arrangement--and it seems rather clear that you aren't--it's time to put your big girl panties on, speak up and stand up for yourself, and go about making changes, one way or another.

Good luck. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.