My Dad-long

[cashierbex]

Well, like many people, I don't have a good relationship with my dad like we had before. I love him very much, just takes too much out of me to see him. Here's some background:

My parents never married, and split when I was a baby. My dad got married to my stepmom. I lived with my mom for the first 12 years of my life, with the exception of half a year with my dad. I got so depressed without my mom, my dad let me go back to her. I lived in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl for sometime, then moved to New York. I got bullied from the 3rd the 6th grade. My mom thought it be a good idea to go live with my dad. I was excited. But everything changed. I did decent at school. I was lazy with the homework. I basically lied to my dad and stepmom for a long time. I know that has put a wedge in our relationship, but theres more to it. He wanted me to make friends. And when I did (I made friends with different kinds of people) he would hate them off the bat. When I came out to him as bisexual, he thought it was a phase (I come to find more aout myself later on, I am not that attracted to men). He accepted it, just wanted a different outcome. I then had my first gf, had to hide it from her mom (think major "Christian" women). When he got fed up with me "sneaking (I was at her house when I shouldn't have been)" around with her, he told her mom about our relationship . I started to work where I work now, cause he wanted me to have a job. He would nag at me about my money. He wanted to control everything. He, on my old windows computer, put some kind of software where he could control what I was doing on his computer. I would be in the middle of talking to some friends and he'd shut it off. He would look into my email, and Myspace account, and AIM. When I turned 18, he still controlled every part of my life. Or tried to. He tried to forbid me from seeing one of my friends (whom I still hang out with to this day). He even tried to convince my mom to forbid me from seeing the friend he hated so much. My mom loves her lol. He tried to control how I dressed at school. So, after I got said job, I bought my own stuff and wore that. He still complained. When he nagged at me, he would always have something bad to say about my mom's side of the family. When I was in community college, I would go out late at night. He would call and call and call. At 2 am. And he yelled at me when I got home saying how close he was to calling the cops . When I got a new gf, stuff shifted even more. I failed my second semester, so I decided to take a break and get back on a semi better emotional track. He didn't like that one bit. I finally had enough, and moved to my gfs. Her family has taken me in. I love them dearly. After some hurtful things were said, we stopped talking. Its been about a year, till now. (I have since been broken up with the gf, but we are still roommates. Her family is my family. Even her really redneck uncle loves me, in his own special way .)

He has recently come back in my life. Hell, he gave me Baseball tix, and saw him for Easter Dinner. I just dunno if its too early to see him again. And he wants to have dinner sometime this week. But I just dunno. I just been so depressed for a long time. Theres just so much baggage between us. I dunno if I can handle it. What do you guys think?

[Kristev]

I think there's nothing for you there except more of what you don't need.

Perhaps you should consider borrowing a copy of Dr. Susan Forward's Toxic parents.

It was quite helpful to me.

[yeahwhatev]

Baggage has one good thing about it.. It fits in a dumpster. If you want it to stop bothering you, you make it so. If you want him in your life, control the situation. You cannot choose family, but you can choose who you associate with. Give him limits and stick to them.

Set topics of conversation limits. Communicate what is off limits and what is fair game. Learn from him AND yourself. People have triggers that make them less sensible and reactionary. Sometimes an unreasonable person can escalate emotions and situations and make a normally engaging individual ALSO unreasonable.

Fights and arguments are two sided. I've seen family members tear at each other like feral cats, over a look or a grunt. Five minutes later a different sibling encounters the same scenario, but laughs it off. Most relationships and/or friendships are ruled by perspective. If you let it bother you, they win. Sometimes the reaction is just that, and the manner in which it's displayed is personality. Sometimes a reaction is just to tick you off, because of a bad day, another issue, or outright cruelty. The best thing you can do, when a person you want contact with is being negative, is let them know they've upset you and walk away.

Calmly saying "You have upset me and I want to be alone right now." is a million times more effective than screaming it.

[Shangri-laschild]

I grew up with Mormon parents. I ended up moving out one night because I couldn't deal with the rule and strictness. I moved in with my then boyfriend and his mom. When it comes to the family that's got my back through it all, it's his family even now and some of the things my mom didn't openly have my back on (big things that there was no argument for) caused a lot of problems between us. I got to a point where it was important enough to me to have her in my life that I figured out for myself what I could count on her for and what I could expect from her. Not expecting anything else has made a difference. If we can make our own families then the same is true about not expecting as much from biological people. It doesn't mean that it's ok when my mom doesn't have my back about things she should. Just that I don't expect her to and probably wouldn't even mention that stuff to her. Also the mess of me leaving home like I did took some time on both sides to mend. But not only that, they relaxed some after that. I'm not saying your dad definitely will. Just suggesting that you reassess and then decide what you want from him and if it evens out for you and if you can be ok with not expecting certain things from a biological parent who's in your life if you need to. If you ever want to PM feel free.

[cashierbex]

Thanks everyone. Just been hard on me for a long time. I'm glad this is here cause now I can go where there no biased opinions about my dad. I know I need some pro help with my issues, but I can't afford it, and I don't wanna be stuck on meds for the rest of my life. Thanks again. Anymore advice is welcome though.

[ArcticChicken]

I don't wanna be stuck on meds for the rest of my life.

When you can afford to get help, and there are at least a few places that will work out a sliding scale for you, you don't have to be on meds. It might turn out that meds are what you need, but if your therapist/counselor/whatever isn't willing to listen to you about why you don't want them and try to work with you, then fire them and find someone else.

[cashierbex]

Yeah, sounds like a good idea. If I could ever do it.

[Der Cute]

Cashier, let us know what you need help with - finding professional, finding meds, stuff.. we're the mind hive!

[blas]

Controlling parents are horrible.

All I can really offer are my condolensces. At ages 18-19, I was still living at home, and I was still routinely grounded by my mother and told who I was and wasn't allowed to see or date (friends and boys alike), was still given a curfew (that was much more suited for someone younger than me), and it was all because of my "immaturity" and my "disrespect and need to be guided in the right direction", and until I learned the errors of my ways , that's how things would be.

My brother still lives at home at age 22, and while he doesn't have those kinds of restrictions, my parents still demand to know where he's going and when he'll be home, and Mom has been known to text him an hour or so before he says he'll be back to make sure he'll be home. It's ridiculous.

[cashierbex]

Also on the meds thing, I forget to take OTC stuff. I'd so fail at perscription meds.

I understand wanting to know where people are going (that changes because my plans are never kept). And I understand if they don't want people over at a certain time. My friends get loud. Hell, my dad would prolly try to hear in on our convos, so we were always at her place. But to go an call me over and over again at ungodly hrs, knowing I don't always have my phone on me when I am 18 years old and going to college and have a job, does not go well with me. I will be nice enough during a decent time to say I'm not gonna be home in the morning.

[Der Cute]

Also on the meds thing, I forget to take OTC stuff. I'd so fail at perscription meds.

That's your own fault (oh blunty today) I forget meds too but the meds I take are soooo important (live or die kind) I CANNOT and WILL NOT forget them. Integral. I do what I need to to take these. Whatever I have to do, these pills will be used.
If a doc prescribes stuff...you need to be responsible.

But to go an call me over and over again at ungodly hrs, knowing I don't always have my phone on me when I am 18 years old and going to college and have a job, does not go well with me. I will be nice enough during a decent time to say I'm not gonna be home in the morning.

So you don't answer the phone, correct? It's either not with you or turned off? Ok. Good. You start the voicemails up, if it's a rant, delete it. If it's a rant, delete. If it's a "Oh hey pick up milk and bread on the way back RANTRANTRANT" pick up the stuff. (put it away when you get home and do not challenge/speak to Dad).
If it's "you SHOULD tell us you NEED TO tell us WE'RE FAMILY" delete it, BUT sit down with yourself and outline what you want to say IF this shows up again (that phrasing from parents).

My story:
I was 19, living at home, no job. I went out with friends. I got home one morning around 6:30, I had slept at friend's house. (Previous to this date, my parents had never complained about me getting home after midnight, they didn't check on me sleeping). They woke up, started hollering at me about This Is Our House You Need To Be Home On Time and We Are Your Dictators.
I told them, "My sister comes home at 6am , 4am, etc. And you don't tell her off? Bullshit."
I packed a garbage bag with essentials, took all the cash I had, my meds, and left. Within hours.
I found a job soon after that, had a place to crash for awhile, found own place to live.
My parents still yelled at me. Over the phone. I'm paying for the phone, I can hang it up. I'm on MY turf.

You're on HIS turf. Some of this has to be compromised. What can you NOT take at all? What can you live with a little bit? What can you ignore? Sit down with Dad. Be calm. Go over this. If he starts hollering, say, "I'll talk to you again when you're calm enough to respect me" Walk away.
Try again later.
Try again.
If this does not work at all, explore options of moving out, vs staying. What's the stress level? Is this REALLY affecting your life/job/school?

Yay, joys of being an adult.

[ArcticChicken]

Also on the meds thing, I forget to take OTC stuff. I'd so fail at perscription meds.

Alarm on my phone, 11am, 11pm. "Advair!" I still forget to take my multivitamin, but the longest I've gone without taking my Advair is when I got stuck out much longer than I thought I'd be out. Now I take it with me if I'm leaving the house within a couple hours of the time I need to take it. If I carried a purse it would just live in that.

[dragon_wings]

I have an alarm to take my meds too (I'm on a pill version of birth control, it should be taken roughly the same time every night). It's set for 11:15 pm cause that's a time I can reasonable take it on nights I close, days I open, and days I have off. Sometimes I take my meds a bit early or a bit late but I rarely forget.
(bc, allergy med, sleep aid, OTC pain med for body aches)

[RootedPhoenix]

I don't think cashierbex lives with her dad.

As far as where people are going, I would want to know if they were coming back later than usual, or if they were gonna be gone overnight (I'm a goofball, I worry about them getting eaten by a pack of rabid llamas or something). I also want to know if they're going on vacation, because that means I need to pay attention to the mail or whatever.

Otherwise, I'm glad to know what you're doing, but I'll be fine not knowing.

[cashierbex]

I moved out 2 years ago. I live in a semi better situation. Though not the best. My roomie acts like both my dad and my mom at the same time and I just wanna hit my head on the wall. But I call her out on it, without saying I'm comparing her to them. She shuts up after a while and we are perfectly fine. Can't wait to be out of that. Just can't afford it right now.

Yeah, for right now, I gotta take multi vitamins. Might get a pill organizer and put it by something I know I use everyday. Just to get in the habit.