Co-worker - separated, suicidal, and needy

[ShinyGreenApple]

Same person of fame from Creepy/needy/draining, Lack of Attendance, and holy fuck you stink.

This person used to be one of my closer friends, but now I want nothing to do with her. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I've had enough of her, issues or not. She worked a grand total of two out of five days last week, and on Friday, some Christian charitable organization that assists you with paying your bills was calling the pharmacy asking for proof that she works there during the busiest part of the day. The Cranky Pharmacist™ was on his own when the call came in, and he said in no uncertain terms that he wasn't giving out any information and that they'd need to wait until Boss was here to talk to.

She kept posting FB statuses about how the world was crashing down and she was broken hearted, etc, and so on. I've come to find out, she and her husband have finally had it out and are separated and headed for divorce. On Friday night a mutual friend/co-worker picked her up and took her to her house to stay for a while. Said friend lives. Right. Next. Door. To. Me. Fuck. I reluctantly stopped by for five minutes last night and Needy said she contemplated killing herself the night before and probably wouldn't be here anymore if Neighbor hadn't gotten her. The way they treated each other, I'm surprised it took her and her husband this long to hit this point, to be honest. They both act like spoiled children and they are both to blame, IMO, but I didn't say so to anyone. They brought in at least $2000 monthly but were still constantly trying to borrow money, having the electric, utilities, and cell phones shut off because they didn't pay the bills on time. As in, something was shut off for non-payment at least once every three months. Not having enough money to put gas in the truck to get them both back and forth to work.

Anyways, while I have some sympathy, for the most part I want nothing to do with this person and I'd rather her not vent and dump on me. I don't want to hear about the latest crappy thing that's happened to her, I don't want to hear about how much she hates/loves her soon to be ex or how much of a dumbass he is.

Yes, this person has mental and emotional issues. She is prescribed meds, but lord knows if she can even afford to get them anymore or if she even bothers to take them, since things like cleaning the catbox and taking a shower or brushing her hair at least once a day are too much of a bother for her. She either needs to grow up and help herself or seek some professional help, and stop wearing out people at work and what's left of her friends.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not a cold-hearted person, by any stretch of the imagination, but this person does not listen to advice. She continues to make foolish choices with her health, her money, and relationships with other people and is digging herself deeper and deeper into a black hole every day. She refuses to help herself and I'm tired of listening and dealing with the drama. The only thing that gets accomplished is that she feels slightly better having 'shared' with someone, and I end up feeling at least as dragged down, depressed, and blue as she is. Misery loves company, I guess? I can't help and I'm done trying to offer it. I honestly believe that either she needs to seek psychiatric help, or she has a drug problem. She shows a lot of signs of having some kind of addiction, I've noticed much to my disturbance.

Yes, I can distance myself from this person, but only to a certain extent. I can ignore the phone calls and texts. I can make excuses not to hang out or come over Neighbor's house for BBQ. I have other friends that I can have fun with, namely my buddy Biscuit, who never asks me for anything even though I know his money is tight, and he also manages to always smell pretty great and his house doesn't smell like a cat's genitals. If it's late and I end up sharing a bed with him, I don't feel like I need to wash with bleach the next morning. But I CAN'T avoid this Needy person at work, as much as I'd like to. I guess what I'm getting at is, is there any way I can continue to distance myself from her more and more without seeming like a cold-hearted little bitch and causing her to go even further off the deep end and do something stupid? How can I stop being a friend without directly saying "I really don't care what's upset you this time", because the only thing I can say honestly to her right now is that she brought a lot of this mess on her own self with her stupid choices, but I can't say that.

Short of changing departments or getting a new job, I just don't know what to do. The sad thing is, I really love my job and the rest of the folks in the pharmacy. This one has just become unbearable.

[Midnight12]

i say this with great caution and that if you must, tell her straight but with other people there for her to cry to.

sometimes a verbal slap to the face/wake up call is needed but that is only with great discretion.

otherwise the best advice i can think to offer is continue avoiding and maybe she will get the idea that she is exhausting her friends

[Pixilated]

Shiny, I notice one sentence you used: "I guess what I'm getting at is, is there any way I can continue to distance myself from her more and more without seeming like a cold-hearted little bitch and causing her to go even further off the deep end and do something stupid?"

One thing you must remind yourself is that you are NOT responsible for her or for what she does or does not do. You say she does not take responsibility for her own life -- that is what has put her in this situation.

You also say she seems to feel better after unloading on other people. I think I've seen this described elsewhere as a sort of "vampire" effect: the more miserable the listener gets, the better the talker feels. Definitely not someone you want to spend time with!

If she comes lamenting to you, you could say, "I'm sorry to hear that; now please excuse me, I have to get back to work." Another phrase that might either kickstart her into doing something for herself, or at least get her off your back, would be, "I'm sorry to hear that. What are YOU going to do about it?" If she continues to wail that there's nothing she can do, your reply might be, "I see ... well, that's too bad. Excuse me, I have to get back to work."

All of this should be done with cool politeness. You are being properly professional but not rude or unpleasant.

And frankly, she shouldn't be spending her work time unloading her drama onto her fellow employees to begin with. It's one thing to let people know what's going on in her life, especially if you need some sympathy and/or support, but it's another thing entirely to expect your co-workers to prop you up 100% -- especially if you are doing nothing on your own behalf.

I also wonder if management doesn't notice the upheaval that she's creating.

[Midnight12]

Good advice Pixilated. i can get cold sometimes and yes that telling her straight but with people there.

but this is after having put up with her for so long. i didn't say it was wise and should be done but only if nothing else has worked. forgot to ad that if she throws up about being a bad friend that if she wasn't her friend she wouldn't bother telling her this.
I have had to be cruel this way with a few of my friends only because i knew them well enough that if something wasn't done they would be lost to us as friends. again yes its cruel but only to be used to help should all else fail.

after that i would say do anything else but this. or rather what Pixilated said as Pix said it better. i fail at words lately

[ShinyGreenApple]

I really just want to end the relationship altogether, but like I said, having to work with her in such a small space complicates that. Fortunately, the entire pharmacy is fed up with her and feel pretty much the same way I do. Yesterday while we were closed for lunch, I was talking with two of the other ladies who work with us and oddly enough, they asked how long she'd been staying with Neighbor and "Does Neighbor regret taking Needy in?" She doesn't look it, but we're all wondering how long it'll take for her to yank the welcome mat out, too. I used to think another of Needy's friends was a real bitch for suddenly telling Needy and her husband (who were living with them at the time) that they needed to get out at midnight because CPS was coming to the house and they'd get in a heap of trouble for having them there. I kind of think now that Bitch wasn't really one and was just desperate to get them out of the house and was tired of her spare room smelling like cat shit and unwashed human.

For now I am going to take the subtle, ie, slightly cowardly approach and just avoid interaction with this person as much as possible and remain curt but polite. Neighbor texted me earlier asking when I was working tomorrow; I have a strong suspicion she still has a houseguest who possibly needs a ride to work. I am going to say either my phone died or I left in in my vehicle. I feel really bad screwing Neighbor over like that, but next door or no, I don't want to give Needy anymore lifts to and from work if I can help it. If I can get Neighbor alone, I'm going to have to tactfully tell her this, especially if she's becoming a sort of middle-man. I can no longer sacrifice my own moods and sanity. I have a pretty damn good life, even if it isn't much or isn't that eventful, but I like being happy and upbeat and positive, and Needy drags me down into a really dumpy place that I don't like being in. Everything is always about her, and anytime anyone is trying to share something happy about their life (I'm not the only Quirky-Perky in the Pharm), she either brushes it off quickly, changes the subject, or flat out ignores or interrupts and talks over us. If anyone has anything down to talk about, she always has to one up them with her own crappy situation.

So anyways, yes, most of my closer co-workers know how I feel and share the sentiment, and Boss no doubt suspects it. We wish he'd grow a spine and take off his Mr. Nice Guy hat for a while and deal with her. Problems or not, it's no excuse to pull constant No Call/No Shows at work and just assume we'll assume she's not coming. Like Pixelated said, she's an emotional vampire and we're all tired of getting drained. It may end up being a group effort, but I'm going to let everyone know I'm not going to offer anymore help. Last week I asked her if she needed a ride to work and she was wishy-washy about it. Boss kind of snapped a little bit and told her to just expect me at a certain time and to be ready and waiting when I arrived. So I told her I'd see her at a certain time the next day, and when I texted to let her know I was on my way, she replied back and said something like "Oh lol I'm not at home Husband is taking me to work sorry." I got up early, left the house early and everything. That was the last straw for this lil' camel. When I try to do something nice for you that I really don't want to do and you basically spit on me and show no consideration, that's the end. She can either get her truck back from her husband, go on LOA or get fired for all I care.

[Rapscallion]

Something to bear in mind. Everyone has downtimes. It's generally a good thing to be there for others. They can be there for you or for other people later on, or even earlier.

If there's no payback and only continuous neediness, then it's near as damnit an abusive relationship.

Rapscallion

[yeahwhatev]

There comes a point when friendship ends, and stranger protocols come into play. If someone off the street was a known problem (drugs, money issues, drama) and you'd turn the other way if you saw them on the street?? Keep walking.

If they do something silly or permanent and blame you.. they were going to find a reason to do so anyway. Relationships are two way. Calmly state that they have damaged the friendship, you aren't interested in excuses, and walk away. If you ARE actually interested in being friends with them, demand proof of change. Trying to lie and say you care when you don't.. will cause SOMEONE problems.. usually you..

[Pixilated]

ShinyGreenApple, you've got good ideas there -- "curt but polite" (that's not 'slightly cowardly'; it's sensible, since you can't completely avoid her), and quietly explaining to Neighbour that you will do EV (Emotional Vampire) NO more favours. She sounds like she's a real Drama Queen and happy with it. You don't need that.

[ShinyGreenApple]

I also explained as much to the crew at work yesterday in no uncertain terms, and they were really understanding and very much agreed with me. I'm offering no more help. None. Everyone is of the opinion that she is refusing to help herself and none of us can be responsible for her as she seems to just want others to feel sorry for her.

"I'm really sorry guys, I know it makes us short, but I can't do this anymore, I can't, and I WON'T. I'm done trying to help and I end up feeling just as depressed and bummed as she is."

"No, Shiny, it's ok. You can't keep putting yourself out there and getting shit on. Her problem, not yours."

If she's still staying next door, she got herself in a heap of dogshit yesterday. When you call out claiming "natural disaster" as the reason, and your next door neighbor shows up, yeah that looks bad. It was the laughing stock of the pharmacy yesterday. Beryl gave us rain and wind and nothing more than some soggy, but driveable dirt roads.

[Pixilated]

Good to know everybody else feels the same way you do. I think EV is going to find it hard to get help from anybody as the days roll on.

Of course, the whole problem may solve itself very quickly. She called in absent claiming "natural disaster" when it was just wind and rain??

[ShinyGreenApple]

Some people were legitimately flooded in on Tuesday, to be fair, but most of the stores call-ins (or at least the ones lamenting it on FB) were due in between 5 and 7AM, when it really was still pouring cats and dogs and creating unsafe road conditions. By noon when Needy (and myself) was scheduled to come in, the rain had stopped and the water was drying up pretty quickly.

She did show up today . . . ten minutes late. The atmosphere was pretty chilly and a little uncomfortable, I'll admit. Boss did call her into the office but I don't know what was said or done - she didn't seem upset when they came back. She didn't ask for a ride home and I didn't offer. She's apparently living in her apartment again as she and her husband are trying to 'work things out' I see this becoming dramatic again in the not so far future. Gives me even more incentive to stay the hell away from both of them, though.

[Gizmo]

Something to bear in mind. Everyone has downtimes. It's generally a good thing to be there for others. They can be there for you or for other people later on, or even earlier.

If there's no payback and only continuous neediness, then it's near as damnit an abusive relationship.

This. I've had to cut off a good friend who constantly is 'woe is me' and turns down every option people give them with "that won't work". When they started going into extreme details of what they planned to do to themselves I asked them not to do that because it made me feel culpable. They then continued to do so (including a method which actually was responsible for a family member's death and I still have issues about - which they knew) I had to apologise and say that I couldn't help them due to my own situation at the moment and didn't want to hurt them by saying the wrong thing.

This person does have genuine issues which I would love to help them with but I am human too. I still have to forceably disconnect from attempts to involve me and although I feel guilty sometimes I have to accept that I'm either going to say something hurtful and bad if I don't or that I'm going to be driven to a worse place myself.

[Seshat]

Shiny,

I have enough on my plate - through noone's fault, just bad luck and bad genes - that I could create one hell of a sob story. We have others in this forum who have the same situation.

People have asked me how I keep going. It's simple. I perceive that I have three options.

1. Keep going. In my case, keep going by sharing mutual support with my husband and my best friend - I couldn't do it alone, nor could my best friend. My husband probably could, but he assures us that life is much better for him with us present.

2. Organise to be in a supported living situation, such as a nursing home or a supervised residential facility with nurses on call and professional carers present 24/7.

3. Suicide.
Would cause a hell of a lot of trauma to many people I love and many people I consider friends. Not really acceptable, unless it ends up being a clear and obvious euthanasia situation; in which case I would put affairs in order and ask my loves and friends to please understand. It's not nearly to that point at this stage.


There is a fourth option. Needy is taking it.
I don't consider that to be an option. I consider it to be parasitism. She's a leech.

The way you've described her situation, her 'option 2' is to go to medical specialists to get her mental and emotional situation sorted out; go to a financial advisor and life skills trainer to get her fiscal and general living situation sorted out; and go to a social worker for emergency interim survival.
Yes, it'll be tough for her.

Well fuck her.

(Yes, it's me saying that. And I mean it in the crudest, rudest way possible.)

It's not fucking easy being me. And I had nothing - NOTHING - to do with causing the situation I'm in.

I have to deal with medical specialists. I have to cope with intrusive and disbelieving social workers/support personal who have to filter the genuinely needy from the fakes. I had to learn life skills beyond what Ms Mostly Healthy Just A Bit Needy is ever likely to have to learn.

She can just pull the lazy and greedy out of her ass and knuckle down and learn what life is. Rough, tough, and taking no shit from anyone.




Shiny,

She. Is. Not. Your. Responsibility.

If life is 'too hard' for her and there's no reason for it to be so, she happen to already work in a place where there's probably information about where to find life skills teachers. If not, such information isn't really that hard to find.

If you think there may be genuine cause for concern about the risk of suicide, call emergency, notify them. I'm SURE she'll THOROUGHLY enjoy a few days of suicide watch at a psychiatric facility....
(No she won't. BUT: they'll put her in touch with the necessary life skills teachers, and she'll get a thorough psych checkup while she's there.)
(Oh. And the experience may well scare her 'straight'.)

Beyond that, I strongly agree with the line 'so what are YOU going to do about it?'

If she insists there's nothing she can do about it, try this line: 'well it's your life. Noone else can live it for you. Find some way to fix it.' And then WALK AWAY.

[MoonCat]

Seshat is 100% right.

Someone else's drama is not YOURS. Don't own it. Don't try to fix it. "Needy" is an emotional vampire. I know them well, I've worked with more than one. They'll suck the life out of you by dumping all their angst and anxiety on you, and you know why? Because it's free. And it's easier than fixing their problems. People like this, no matter how loudly they lament, are getting something out of the situation. Attention, sympathy, coddling...etc.

For your own sanity you have to cut her off. Just be too busy to talk to her. Don't offer advice or sympathy, don't encourage her to share. Her world revolves around herself, and there's no room in there for your or anyone else's needs. Good luck.

[trailerparkmedic]

One thing you can do, that might make you feel better--if she threatens suicide again, to the point you think she's serious (especially if she mentions how she'll do it), call the cops. In my state, all that is required for an involuntary hold for psych eval is someone like a cop making a sworn statement that they believe the patient is a danger to themself. I've gotten patients who came in just on a cop's statement that the person told someone they were going to commit suicide. From what I understand, most states work in similar ways. This way you don't feel guilty for not "fixing" the situation when she threatens things.

Otherwise, ignore her. She's not worth your time or energy.