Some perspective please?

[Gizmo]

(apologies if anyone feels this is too TMI)

So I feel like I am getting old these days and being female, married to someone 10 years older, and still without "a family" that isn't fun. Especially when you have family and friends chucking that question at you regularly.

For the last two years I've been urging hubby to get checked out in the Fertility areas, especially since they won't check me until HE has a clean bill of fertility and he has one condition and treatment plan that is known to affect male fertility often.

Finally he's gone and got checked and found out that he is currently completely infertile - at least in the initial tests. I know the docs will want to do at least 6 months worth of further evaluations etc to find the reasons why before even considering what to do about it and whether it can be cured.

I'm ok with that. I'm not rushing to be by his side for the doctors appointment to discuss the next steps because I know it isn't going to be any instant decisions right now.

What is eating me is that I'm so pissed off about this.
-I accept I am too selfish to have a child at the moment - I don't want to change my lifestyle yet. Not that I wouldn't if it did happen.
-I don't really have a mothering instinct - at least not around other peoples children. I've always been the kind of person who personally doesn't believe that you should actively be pursuing having children unless you think you can support them.
- I don't want to have to leave my job for ~6 months at the moment for maternity leave. (accepted standard in the UK)

So why do I feel completely and utterly numb and pissed off?

[csquared]

So why do I feel completely and utterly numb and pissed off?

Because you have just been told that your husband can't father your children.

That is big news. Whether you want to have children or not. Now it is no longer your choice.

Both or you will probably need each other's help. You have already stated how this is affecting you. How is your husband handling this? He may be feeling that he is less of a man, or that he has failed/disappointed you.

On the other hand, he might be absolutely fine with it, and that is what is pissing you off.

The two of you need to talk.

Now, if you lived on this side of the pond, I would suggest that you get together with The WIfe and I. We can do so almost any time you want, because neither of us has to find a baby sitter.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Signed:
I saw what six kids did to my parents and I am not making the same mistake!

[Pixilated]

Because you have just been told that your husband can't father your children.

That is big news. Whether you want to have children or not. Now it is no longer your choice.

*snip*

I think csquared has hit it right on the head. Twenty years ago a medical diagnosis took the decision of "to have or have not" completely out of my hands. I had never wanted children and I wasn't even married at the time, but it was still a shock.

"The two of you need to talk" is excellent advice.

[Gizmo]

He's of the stoic kind unfortunately so even a direct question isn't producing an answer than "I possibly do want a child but would want it to be my own". He doesn't seem to be having a failure/manliness issue about it but I refer back to the 'stoic' temperment.

We've always been the kind of people who didn't get hung up over doors not taken etc. and up until now it was more about being informed re fertility issues and if things happened then they did. We'd take the road of having children if it happened but we weren't forceably looking for them - certainly not urgently.

I guess it is the choice vs. chosen for issue. Plus no matter how much of a 'princess' girl I'm not everyone has those 'when I'm older' pictures in their head - I didn't have the wedding ones but the 'old and with kids' I did have.

I'm usually really flexible and relaxed about stuff I can't change - When I was a kid and the parents mucked up a holiday booking and told me that they couldn't afford to fix it (£600 to replace airline tickets due to a name muck up) I kinda shrugged and left them to it rather than berating or whining about it - I knew it wouldn't make much difference what I said and it wasn't fair on them.

I feel like I have another me following me around with a skillet bashing me over the head going *you moron, you don't want a child at the moment anyway. You are too selfish and you'd be a horrible parent. Get over it!* Perhaps there is another saying *married and without children, how dare you* occasionally too! I think a third occasionally follows it up with *why them over you?*. (Someone turn off the cloning machine - one of Me is difficult enough to deal with!)

[42_42_42]

Both my husband and I are infertile (me due to illness and him do to just faulty swimmers) so I really do understand what you're going through. Yes, you don't want a kid right now, but you might want a child sometime in the future and this changes things. Fertility issues are difficult to deal with even if you have no intention of ever having kids, because it takes away your choice. You and your husband do need to talk, because you need each other's support.

[Jester]

First of all, the two of you need to decide if you want children. Your post seems a bit confused on this point, though that is understandable. As I understand it, you don't want kids NOW, but you may want them at some point in the future, and you've just been informed that your hubster is infertile.

However, if down the road you decide you want children, this is not the end of the road you seem to think it is. I have been on record here more times than I can count as a major proponent of adoption. There are so many children out there that want and need a loving home, and so many potential parents out there that could provide that if they would only realize the potential. It's funny, because I hear so many people, when the subject of adoption comes up, saying "but we want our OWN children." To which I say this: go talk to any adopted person out there, and ask them who their parents are. I guarantee you they won't be talking about their biological birth parents, but rather the people who CHOSE them and RAISED them and who are, in all but biology, their actual parents. I have five nieces....not one of them related to me by blood. Doesn't make any one of them any less my niece.

And by the way, it's 2012--there is absolutely nothing wrong with being married without children. Hell, my parents were married for almost ten years before they had their first child....and this was the FIFTIES and SIXTIES! Such things simply Were Not Done back then. Especially in their families.

I guess my advice boils down to this:
--do whatever you and the hubster want to do, and ignore what anyone else says
--never forget how wonderful an option adoption can be.

[Gizmo]

Thanks Jester. I do understand all that. I do have friends who are adopted and I appreciate that the "own" children bond isn't just for biological children. Whether I can bring hubby round to that I don't know yet.

We've just found out last night that the marker has been on hubby's file that he has a condition that likely means he IS (and potentially always was) infertile but the specialist never actually mentioned this to him directly. We could have been doing this 3 years ago or at least prepared for the reality.

Unfortunately the doctors can't answer any of the questions so we have to wait 3 months for the fertility specialists appointment to find out anything - even if I can be checked over in case.

Hubby has decided he definitely DOES want children so hoop jumping are about to start...

[Jester]

I could continue ad nauseum about adoption, but nothing I say about adoption in general would be anything I haven't already said, and would really do nothing to convince your husband.

But let me say this: my niece, who I just watched graduate high school, is not biologically related to me in any way. But I've known her since she was a small child. We have bonded in ways that go far beyond biology or genetics. She has been the daughter I've never had, and she's told me I've been the father she's never had. My older sister made the mistake the other day of saying I didn't have any nieces, because neither she nor my other sister has had any children. But I didn't just jump out of an airplane with some random teenager. I jumped out with my niece, and woe be to anyone who tells she or I any different.

Family is defined by love just as surely as it is by biology. I don't even like all my relatives, but I love all my family. And I have been blessed to have found that family, wherever they may be.

Whatever your situation ends up being, for your husband to ignore the wonders and joys that adoption can bring is for him to slam shut the doors to what could be a wonderful and happy family. And for that I do not condemn him; for that I pity him. He has no idea what he's missing out on.

[Treasure]

my mother gave birth to 4 children - 3 boys, 1 girl (Me); my bio-father had 2 more sons w/ my step mom.... but I have 2 sisters - I adopted them.
I have Aunts and Uncles that I adopted; I recently lost one of them - and trust me it didn't hurt any less than if he had been a blood relative.

One of my "Aunt"s recently went through treatment for uterine cancer; she in her 40's, never been married, I don't think she's been on a date in the years I've known her (nearly 20) but when she was told they were taking the whole factory, part of her got mad/hurt.... she no longer had the choice - she no longer has the option.... she's quite content in her lifestyle, and its not a "child-friendly" one, she's an AMAZING aunt for all her nibblings - from 30 years to 30 days old; but still having that decided for her - I don't know anybody that's cool with that.

I think that's where you're at - "I don't want kids, but I want the option" you want to know that you and your husband can say "i think i'm ready for kids" and then have fun trying - with him "shooting blanks" trying to have a kid has to be a conscious choice, and can sometimes feel like a chore, as opposed to being fun and enjoyable.

your mind is fast-forwarding through all possibilities and outcomes and overloading you, and freaking you out.

you and the hubby definitely need to sit down and talk - what options are you willing to consider, which ones you won't, which ones you'd prefer as "last resort" - also which ones are going to be more affordable - none of them are "cheap" - are you prepared for the expense?

also discuss your feelings with your husband - esp how they all seem to conflict each other - he may be feeling something similar.

what ever happens, good luck!

[Gizmo]

All comments above read and appreciated.

It is all a mess at the moment. It took me trapping him in the car during a hour and a half car journey to get any sort of sense of answers out of him and I think he still thinks that he has a chance to recover quickly to normal "nothing is wrong" levels and all will be well. *sigh* I do want kids... eventually. I'm just more realistic about the fact it will be a huge change to our lifestyle when we do than he is.

Hopefully we can get the appointment brought forward to get some clearer guidance which will help.

As for costs whilst it will still be routine disturbing, time consuming and not cheap I am in the UK so it won't be as expensive as it would be in the US for most of the options.

I did say to him the other day that unless the chances of IVF are at least "decent" then its not worth how invasive and disruptive it is but until we have facts and figures all bets are off.

[Andara Bledin]

Another thing to be considered is that, for the most part, western culture tends to define a man by his virility - it's everywhere; on billboards, in ads, in our entertainment of all stripes. This type of situation can be a debilitating blow to a man's ego, and as such, if he doesn't come to terms with the situation on his own, you might consider therapy.

^-.-^

[Jester]

You are correct, Andara, but I feel the need to point out that there is a significant difference between virility and fertility. And this society definitely emphasizes the former far more than the latter.