Crazy family problem. (Long)

[mechanic1908]

My father remarried after my mom died.
He married my aunt (my mom's sister)
That makes for some very awkward family situations, as you can imagine.
In the 24 years since that time, my wife and I have managed to have a polite, but cold relationship with my step mom.
She is the one who has been cold with us, we have always tried to be friendly and "nice" simply out of respect for my dad.
She is a , shall we say,a very hard person to like.
Recently my father has come down sick with terminal lung cancer.
We have been trying to keep the communication lines open by continuing to turn the other cheek to some of the crazy B.S. step mom has been spreading around to other family members/friends of the family about us.
Yesterday I went to my dad's house to see if he was o.k. and if they needed anything.
My step mom stopped me at the door and told me in no uncertain terms was I welcome to come into "her" house.
When I asked her why, she went on a rampage about how I had gone behind my dad's back and spread bad rumors about them and that's why all of dad's friends don't come over to visit them anymore. (all of this right in front of my daughter, dad's granddaughter, who my dad thinks the world of btw.)
She repeatedly mentioned one friend in particular, my dad's best friend and hunting buddy of 40 years.
I of course was shocked and dismayed not only about this false accusation, but more importantly, I can't get past her to see my dad and I know for a fact that she is telling my dad these same stories.
The last thing I want to happen is to have my dad go to his grave believing what my step mom is saying, but I can't get in to talk to him.
I can't get thru on the phone either because she answers the phone and won't put him on the phone, she just hangs up on me.
The saddest part of all of this, is that I have, since this incident talked to my dad's friend in question and SHE is the main reason he won't go over and see him.
My dad's friend also fully backs me up when I say that I have NEVER said a bad word about her, my dad, or them getting married.
Well, until now of course because "the gloves are off".
WTF can I do?
Advice, thoughts?
Thanks for any and all input.
Eric

[PepperElf]

The only thing I can suggest is trying to talk to the police - or adult protective services. Tell them about your father's medical condition and that his wife is barring you from visiting him.

Cos at this point you're not sure if it's really coming from him ... or if she's taking advantage of the fact that he's too ill to actually get up to say anything to contradict her.

[yeahwhatev]

People like this cannot be reasoned with. If you grabbed the friend and confronted her, she'd react with "so you are all against me now?? DIEDIEDIEBLARGLEetc"

I'd get someone who she tolerates to call and then take over the phone when she's given it to him. Explain that you desperately want to see him, and none of this is his fault. As for the harpy, she has the high ground. You can either keep sending secret messages, stage an intervention type meeting on neutral ground (getting the people who "don't come around" to tell her the REAL reason they don't..) or get official and litigious as mentioned above.

[Andara Bledin]

I, too, would suggest an end run with another family member who she doesn't stonewall.

If that doesn't work, you may wish to try an elder/spousal abuse angle. She's trying to isolate him for reasons known only to her; maybe she's trying to force him to change his will (if he has one) or something.

^-.-^

[thansal]

yah...

Check with your local city/state's domestic violence/elder abuse/etc office. For an example, this is NYC's:
http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/issues/elder.shtml

I wish you the best of luck.

[mechanic1908]

Thanks for all of the suggestions people, I appreciate it.
I ended up having to call the police and having them do a "wellness check" on my dad.
I don't know if it was related to them going over or not but subsequent to the police going there, my dad was rushed to the local hospital's emergency room.
I heard this from the police so I headed over at their suggestion, since the hospital is basically a public place.
When I got there, my step mom, amazingly , let me in to see him.
I actually had about an hour to talk with him.
Then at approx. 5:30 pm last Thursday,my father died.
This sucks large, but at least I got to see him before he died.

[Victory Sabre]

So sorry for your loss. At least you got a chance to see, and talk to him before he died.

[rose_metal_nz]

I'm so sorry for your loss Please accept my condolences.

[Rapscallion]

Sorry for your loss. It's good you got to say goodbye.

Rapscallion

[Der Cute]

OH, I'm sorry to hear about this. You did get to say g'bye, I think that's the most important.

[Elspeth]

I am very sorry for your loss

[Aethian]

Glad you got to say good bue.

[Pixilated]

My condolences for your loss. I'm glad you got to see him before he passed - hopefully he knew that any lies your step-mother was telling him were exactly that. He's at rest now, and you hopefully won't have to deal much more with your step-mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss but thank goodness you got to visit with him. And as patiokitty says, now you can stop having to deal with your stepmom at all.

[yeahwhatev]

My condolances.

I know you are in mourning, but I have heard this particular flavor of nasty before. If there is a will, get a copy of it and have it reviewed professionally. If there are things of your fathers that you are due, or would like.. you may have to write them off.

General life advice from me is to be nice until it hurts.. ONCE. This is not a reset until the stepmother actually backs off and/or apologizes. Get through the funeral. Bake a few dishes and leave them for her, despite any drama. You'll feel better about YOU. If she goes batshit during any of it, just say "Out of respect for my father, I refuse to fight with you."

Unstable people lash out, or latch on. This is your chance to be free from them, or to attempt a friendship. IMHE, befriending an unstable person via a shared loss always ends badly. I would sit down, assess the situation and lay out plans. Is there property or insurance money that is being disbursed? Are there heirlooms or keepsakes that you want, or were promised? Finally, like it or not, this person is family still. You can write her off, but understand that not all friends or family will do that. Giving an unstable person an ACTUAL reason to dislike you (not saying she doesn't deserve banishment from your life...) can backfire. Get through it, take your lists, make a decision and move forward.

[Zaiida]

I'm so sorry for your loss.