Would like objective male feedback

[snugglegirl05]

Long post

This is regarding a situation between by boyfriend, who has already asked me to marry him, & a long-term female friend of his.

First some background information:
My boyfriend has known his female friend since 1993. She does not work. She is on disability. Both of them also became friends with a guy named Daniel. My boyfriend's female friends showed interest in dating Daniel years ago. They dated off & on. At one point when she was not dating Daniel, she & my boyfriend dated for one month. This was years ago. Both of them realized that there was no chemistry between them, & so they chose to remain friends. I have had very few male friends. The friendships did work work out because of the way that one guy treated me & because the other guy wanted much more than friendship.

I have met my boyfriend's female friend as well as Daniel. The female friend still wants to date Daniel, but he is not interested. Currently they are friends. All four of us have been out to dinner several times. My boyfriend, I, & Daniel have also been to her place twice. The last time I was there with my boyfriend & Daniel, she mentioned that she would like a man in her life.

Last week my boyfriend told me that his long-term female friend asked him to come over to her place on a Friday night to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. My boyfriend does not drive, & so he would have to take the bus to her place. She asked him to stay overnight because she does not know how long it will take. She also wants to watch a movie, cook dinner for the 2 of them, & then go out for breakfast the following morning. My boyfriend told me that he told her that he will do this under one condition...that he sleeps on her couch. He told me that he to avoid the possibility of temptation. He also told me that they are only friends, & that the only female he loves is me. Then I found out yesterday from him that she wants to take to him about something regarding Daniel & have him hang stuff from her ceiling. She does not know how long both will take, & so she wants him to spend the night. What happened the last time I, my boyfriend, & Daniel were at her place was that the 3 of them got into a long arguement regarding moving around furniture in her living area. She wants to discuss ways to avoid this from happening again.

I would like an objective male viewpoint on all of this.

[sstabeler]

depends on what you're wondering, but i don't think you have to worry about your fiancee cheating on you,if that's your concern. It's kind of odd, I will admit, but with your boyfriend already saying he wants to avoid any possibility of temptation, i wouldn't be too concerned 9n especially as i suspect your boyfriend is more worried about her being tempted, not him)

[Lurking Sockpuppet]

Why are you not invited? It seems very strange. Just friends or not it is inappropriate, imo. But I tend to be old fashioned.

Edit: Oops I missed the part about seeking male advise. I don't qualify however I do stand behind my position.

[Barracuda]

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be trustworthy, but frankly, a better option would be for him to not be alone with her overnight. Even though he may be trustworthy, she sounds like she's trying to do the whole man-stealer thing, and even if nothing happens, you will wonder. Explain that to your fiance, and tell him while you have no objection to him seeing his friend, it would be best if he avoided situations where something could happen. He has to take your feelings into account too, and he also may be naive about how serious this girl is about wanting him (guys don't understand hints, and it sounds like she's maybe trying to start something and he's unaware of it.) It's best just to play it safe and avoid any possibility of it becoming an issue, and she needs to be told, by him, that while he sympathizes with her search for a man, it's NOT going to be him, he's taken, and she needs to accept that means things will change.

[It's me]

Sounds like she is trying to borrow your boyfriend....

It's good he told you about it. Also good that he said we was going to sleep on the couch. But really... I'd be wary of her.

[Andara Bledin]

The whole situation sounds off, to be honest.

I don't think she's on the up and up, either.

If I were the boyfriend in this situation, I would probably decline the overnight just on bizarro principle.

^-.-^

[Food Lady]

It's not appropriate for him to stay over and if she wants to discuss furniture, why can't they talk on the phone? Also, why does she need to discuss it only with him, when the origional argument was between the 4 of you? She's trying to steal your boyfriend. He shouldn't put himself in the situation to have to fend her off. This isn't a male or female perspective; it's a perspective from someone who's lived long enough to have gained knowlege of human behavior.

[Jester]

She may or may not be after your boyfriend, but I would say she probably is, even if she herself is not aware of it, or not ready to admit it to herself.

While your boyfriend is a good guy for telling you about all this, he is a bit naive. Yes, he should sleep on the couch if he stayed over, but why in the FLYING HELL would he need to stay over just to hang stuff from the ceiling and/or move some furniture around and/or discuss said furniture moving? It's a daytime activity, and he can do all of it and be on the next bus back to you without a problem and without it being a late night thing.

The fact that she wants to cook him dinner, watch a movie, AND go to breakfast the next day makes it sound suspiciously like she is interested in far, far more than mere conversational company and furniture moving assistance. Your boyfriend may not see this because he's been friends with her for so long, but this sounds fishier than a mackerel that's been in the pantry for a week.

No good can come of your boyfriend staying over her place for you.
No good can come of your boyfriend staying over her place for him.
The ONLY person any good can come of your boyfriends staying over her place is her.

I'm not saying not to trust this woman. I'm just saying if there are any sharp knives around when you are both in the room, don't turn your back on her.

[snugglegirl05]

Update

My boyfriend wants me to get to know his long-term female friend on a personal level. He wants to ask her if she would like to give me her cell phone number.

He called me last night to ask me if I would like to go with him, her, & Daniel to a restaurant near where he lives this Sunday.

I understand that he & she are friends. However, this entire situation makes me feel uneasy. I do not know how I feel about going out to dinner with all 3 of them. I do not know how I will react when I am around her. I do not want her to steal him away from me. I do not want her to betray my trust. That is very impt. to me.

He told me that she told him that she is not interested in dating him. He told me this because he spoke to her on the phone last week, & she asked him if I think that she is after him. He said yes. I told him, yes, I do wonder if she is after him.

I want her to understand that he is not her boyfriend. He is my boyfried. How should I go about this...especially since the 2 of them have been friends since 1993?

I do not want to come between their friendship, but she needs to understand that he & I are in a committed relationship & that I will not allow anyone to interfere in our relationship...especially her.

I know that he does not want the 2 of us to be enemies, but that is what I am viewing her as.

This entire situation is bothering me very much. What is the best way to get my point across to both of them?

[Pixilated]

Not a male, but I will put my two cents in here anyway: it is not up to you to tell her that your boyfriend is unavailable. It is up to him. She can't "steal" him without his cooperation. He needs to draw very clear lines on what is and is not acceptable in terms of their friendship (e.g. sleepovers are NOT, so don't even ask ...) I would argue that if her behaviour is worrying you, then he needs to cool off the friendship for a while. If she is truly his friend, she will understand that she crossed a line when she proposed that he stay overnight and will back off until both of you are comfortable with her presence.

Having said that, I would agree to go to this proposed dinner. Do your best not to go with any preconceptions. There will be four of you there so that should hopefully make things a bit more relaxed. You don't have to behave as if she's your BFF (or is ever going to be); just be coolly (or formally, if you like) polite to her. Keep the conversation general, and refuse to get into a discussion about your relationship with your boyfriend (if it looks like that is coming up).

I dunno about the cellphone number thing. My first response would be, "Why do I want that?" You're not really a friend of hers at this point.

[Treasure]

I sent a PM to the OP on the matter.

[artcurmudgeon]

Don't let him do it....

This is coming from someone who has made some brilliant mistakes and been victim of them.

There is no reason for him to spend the night. NONE.

Men and women can resist anything but temptation.

As someone who had a fling when I was 18 with an older woman who was in a long term relationship, I know better.

As someone who lost the first real love of my life and my first child to the manipulations of my once and former best friend, I really know better...

I have been with a lovely lady for 14 years and married 11 of them, we have both come to the conclusion that there is no risk of any thing if we are honest and realize that anything the puts our relationship at risk is not worth it.

Dont let him do it....

[Taurus52]

I see 3 possible outcomes:

1. He goes, job gets done, nothing happens. Everything is cool.

2. He goes, job gets done. She claims something happens by bragging about it, he denies it. Trust test for you.

3 He goes, something happens. You find out about it later. Bad outcome.

Ultimately his decision, but review your fears with him, see if he is willing for that to happen to you.
Or go with to "help" her reaction may tell you what the plan was on her part.

[Greenday]

He told me that she told him that she is not interested in dating him.

You don't have to date someone in order to bone them.

It seems to me like she just wants to hook up with your boyfriend. That's my initial gut feeling. There really is just no reason why he has to sleep over.

[RealUnimportant]

As Admiral Ackbar said - It's a trap!

If he can't see that this is a set-up, then I'm not sure how you can convince him. And I have no doubt that it IS a set-up, she's trying to imitate a relationship with him even if she doesn't admit it (either to herself or anyone else.) I've been placed in his position before and spotted it before it was too late for regrets; I can't say it was easy either, but it was made easier by the fact that she was visiting me so I could ask her to leave. When he's trapped there with no way home, and saying "no" is going to cause a huge emotional scene... Well, people have done far worse things with less provocation.

If he's gone as far as proposing to you, then regardless of the depth of their friendship it's just plain inappropriate for her to ask him to spend the night alone with her at her place, especially after dinner & a movie... If she genuinely wanted advice on how to get with Daniel then she should welcome your input as obviously you have demonstrable expertise in the field of "gettin' a man"