Would like objective male feedback

[Jester]

I am going to do something I have almost never done on this site: I am going to completely reverse my position.

Originally I said it sounded like she was definitely after him, but I missed something the first time around, and that something is that they have been friends for almost 20 years.

Now, don't get me wrong, she MAY be after a quick roll in the hay, and I don't know her or him, so I can't say, but if his relationship with her is anything like my relationship with my best friend Neets, staying over would be no big deal to either of them, and they probably don't realize how inappropriate it looks to you.

I have been friends with Neets for 24 years, and really good friends with her for about 23. We are unquestionably best friends, and any woman I date who has a problem with my friendship with Neets is not a woman I am going to date for very long.

Neets has a very loving husband, a wonderful guy (who I actually set her up with years ago when all three of us worked at the same restaurant), who is very protective of her. That being said, if he came home one day and found the two of us crashed out in bed, I am certain I know what he would do: He'd say, "Hi, dude." Why? Because he knows that nothing would have been happening, that we would have just been watching tv or a movie or some such and dozed off. Don't get me wrong...if he came home to the same situation with any OTHER guy, it would take some industrial strength cleaner to deal with all the blood that would hit the walls.

I see a lot of similarities in your boyfriend's relationship with this girl to my relationship with Neets. However, as I said, I don't know them, and I don't know anything about their relationship other than what you have told us here.

My suggestion to you would be to sit your boyfriend down and express your concerns, and see what he says. It is very possible that not a damn thing is going on, that she doesn't want a damn thing to go on, and that if she is as good a friend to him as Neets is to me, she just wants to meet you and get to know you better since she can see how important you are to your boyfriend, her long-time friend.

Just another potential side of the story to consider.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Last week my boyfriend told me that his long-term female friend asked him to come over to her place on a Friday night to help her hang stuff from her ceiling. My boyfriend does not drive, & so he would have to take the bus to her place. She asked him to stay overnight because she does not know how long it will take. She also wants to watch a movie, cook dinner for the 2 of them, & then go out for breakfast the following morning freak her wild.

Corrected for accuracy.

That they have been friends for 20 years really doesn't matter to me. Dinner, a movie, overnight accommodations and breakfast out the next morning, in exchange for hanging some stuff from the ceiling? Too convenient if you ask me.

ETA: this reminds me of this song, which is played over the PA at the swamp almost every day I work. It cracks me up so much. The singer wants the guy but doesn't want to hurt the girl he's currently seeing? Yeah, and Emma Stone is hopelessly in love with me. Tell me some more lies.

[ArcticChicken]

I agree with Jester on this one. Men and women are perfectly capable of being friends without sex.

Look, either you trust your BF or you don't. If you don't trust him, if you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.

[Jester]

SOME men and SOME women are capable of being just friends. Sadly, not all.

I would like to emphasize that I am NOT saying that she is not after him in that way, merely that that is a definite possibility.

Trust me, I know all too well from my friendship with Neets and other women that people will often perceive it differently.

It got so ridiculous at that job we worked at together that when new people started, Neets would cheerfully introduce herself, and it would usually go something like this: "I'm Neets. This is Jester. He's my best friend. No, we're not fucking."

Does it really surprise anyone that my best friend is about as subtle as a land mine?

[MoonCat]

SOME men and SOME women are capable of being just friends. Sadly, not all.

I would like to emphasize that I am NOT saying that she is not after him in that way, merely that that is a definite possibility.

Trust me, I know all too well from my friendship with Neets and other women that people will often perceive it differently.

It got so ridiculous at that job we worked at together that when new people started, Neets would cheerfully introduce herself, and it would usually go something like this: "I'm Neets. This is Jester. He's my best friend. No, we're not fucking."

Does it really surprise anyone that my best friend is about as subtle as a land mine?

This doesn't surprise me. My brother rented a room from good friends for a few years. When the husband passed away, my brother and the wife rented an apartment together. They were NOT "together" in that sense. My brother was straight, but he and this lady were simply very good friends. They had the same sense of humor and many other values. Yet, after he passed away, people who didn't know them well kept referring to her as "his girlfriend." I gave up trying to tell them anything different.

[Aethian]

My ex...whom I still love...has a long term friend. I was jealous of this friend and I admit that I was jealous. He remembered her for Christmas and for birthdays...and then it was hit into my head that he knew her long before me. Of course he's going to remember that more then me. Did it lesson the sting? A little until my jealousy just kinda dissapered one day.

But sadly I hadn't mentioned it to him and that was one of the things that made me loose him. So take this carefully.

[Shangri-laschild]

I am a female who's best friend is a guy. We've been best friends for almost 8 years now. We even dated for 4 months near the beginning of our friendship. Neither of us want to get back together even as a casual friends thing. He recently moved in with a woman who he is more serious with than he's ever been. I honestly see them lasting long term and hope like hell they do. Before they moved in together I would crash on his couch if we watched movies late and I was too tired to drive home. We even made tons of overnight plans of cooking project plans.

None of this means that she has good intentions. Every situation is different. My best friend works overnights. Us hanging out late at night wasn't that weird because for us, we were both going to be up anyway. Is her invitation for him out of the ordinary? Is it something they've done in the past and if so, with what results? Maybe this person has no intentions and maybe she does, but until you get to know her, all you're going to be able to do is worry and wonder, no matter how well your boyfriend handles things. I am slowly getting to know the woman my best friend is involved in and I love it. She and I are becoming friends outside of him even. I like the fact that she doesn't just know him well enough to know he wouldn't cheat and trust him but she also knows me well enough to know that I'm not interested and wouldn't go there. If you don't get along with her, then the two of you can go back to knowing each other through him but giving it a shot could help a lot even if it just means you are more comfortable around her.

[rose_metal_nz]

I don't know if it's too late to add my 2cents to this, but what really sticks out for me is - they've been friends for that many years, and clearly him (or her) staying overnight is not ordinary. The whole plan; dinner, movie, breakfast, whatever, is clearly out of the ordinary. Even HE is saying that this is not normal for them. If his radar is pinging, and yours is going full alert, then my advice is: Do. Not. Engage.

[Jester]

I will agree that if he says this is not ordinary for them, something is off. For me and Neets, this would be absolutely normal, but if for your bf and this girl it isn't, then it is likely that my analogy to myself and Neets is off target.

[snugglegirl05]

Update

My boyfriend called me today & asked me if I would like to go with him to look for an engagement ring for me soon. I asked him if he has told his long-term female friend. He said "not yet".

[scary cary]

Did you guys end up going ring shopping?

[snugglegirl05]

Did you guys end up going ring shopping?

Well...considering the fact that the same week he asked me to go shopping for an engagement ring at some point his boss called him to let him know that he needs him to work every Sunday morning...not yet.

Plus the store he would like the 2 of us to go to is near where I live. There is not a store location near him. So at some point he will have to ask for a weekend off.

Hopefully in October or November

[snugglegirl05]

Update

The link below pertains to this post. My response to Raps on page 2 to be exact... the day I worked from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.

http://www.customerssuck.com/board/s...t=92926&page=2

Turns out that Cassie, my boyfriends female friend who wanted him to come over to her place on a Friday night to hang stuff from her ceiling, have dinner with her, talk about the incident regarding the argument between her, Daniel *the mutual male friend of theirs & my boyfriend/fiance*, spend the night, & go out to breakfast with her the following morning, is mad at my boyfriend because she thinks that I would not have wanted him to to her place for that reason. Apparently my boyfriend has not spoken to Cassie because she was upset that he backed out. He wanted to give her some room to deal with her feelings. My boyfriend called Daniel last night to see if he could pick me up & take me back to his place, but he was at Cassie's place. My boyfriend told me that he heard Cassie tell Daniel that he was not picking me up & that I had to find a way home to his place. He & I both depend on the bus for transportation. When I got to my boyfriend's place, I asked him why was Cassie mad at him. That was when he told me she thinks that I would not have wanted him to go to her place on a Friday night to hang stuff from her ceiling, have dinner with her, spend the night, & go out to breakfast the following morning. I told him she was correct & that I would not have been comfortable with the entire situation.

[auntiem]

I've been the "Cassie" in this situation (minus the Daniel and the drama llama behavior).
You are uncomfortable with that senario and your boyfriend is respecting that. Cassie has every right to be upset however, they have been friends for 20 years.* I don't see how a compromise couldn't have been made - go over hang stuff from the ceiling, discuss the Daniel situation over dinner and then catch the last bus home. In my situation, the thought of sleeping with my friend would get the reation of *shudder* ewwwww * shudder* because as much as I like him as a person we knew far too much about each other and it would be like asking if I was attracted to my brother in "that way".
Did my friend have girlfriends that didn't like him even seeing me? Yes, but guess which one he married - the one that didn't. Just my 2 cents from the other side.

*I may be overly sensitive about this right now since we just lost our mutal friend (also for 20 years) very recently.

[snugglegirl05]

I've been the "Cassie" in this situation (minus the Daniel and the drama llama behavior).
You are uncomfortable with that senario and your boyfriend is respecting that. Cassie has every right to be upset however, they have been friends for 20 years.* I don't see how a compromise couldn't have been made - go over hang stuff from the ceiling, discuss the Daniel situation over dinner and then catch the last bus home.

*I may be overly sensitive about this right now since we just lost our mutal friend (also for 20 years) very recently.

I see where you are coming from. I went back to my original posting, & I noticed that forgot to include that Cassie does not work. She gets disability, & so it is possible that my boyfriend can go over to her place on a weekend. He does not work on the weekend.