Recommendation for books on grief?

[Maria]

My mom has been battling terminal cancer since 2008. This year it emerged from a lengthy remission, and my cousin just tonight tipped me off that things are not as well as my dad is telling me.

It's her opinion that Mom may not last through the end of the month, after Cousin talked to her own mother, who has talked to the doctors involved. I'm... surprisingly not-prepared for this news. Okay I'm totally freaking out. I just had a meltdown about sewing needles, for the love of Pete. Anyway, I'm not really up to the idea of seeking professional help or hunting down a support group locally, but my sister suggested maybe I find a book on the topic.

Trouble is, there's like a million books out there and it's too much for me to figure out, when I'm already overwhelmed beyond all reason. So I'm wondering, do y'all know of a good book or two? Or useful websites... I'd even be game to try an online support group with web forums like CS. Um... yeah, thanks for reading.. responding.. etc. I might take a couple days to get back, but I appreciate everyone here, and all the great insights I've had the privilege of absorbing over time.

[Not Lillith]

You are right.
there are many books out there.
and pamphletes...oh, dear god, the zillion pamphletes that all outline the stages of grief...

Several recommendations in no particular order.

1. Chicken Soup for The Soul.
Or basically any anthology of uplifting human stories.
easy to read in short bursts.
Keep kleenex available for cathartic crying outbursts.

2. Not sure what country you are in: Do a google search for your local Hospice group/ Cancer support group. You many never ever visit them but just knowing you have a ready place to turn to for support and information is a huge plus.

3. Is it grief you want to know about? They dying process? How you can support your mother/family during this time? What happens after death?

4. The above will help you narrow down what you are looking for.
If possible make a date with a friend to take you to a book store.
Walk down the section devoted to books on grief.
Touch them. Read a few covers. If something catches your eye consider buying it.

Sometimes this can help you find what you want to read.
Sometimes this may cause you to turn into a weeping ball of snot, which is why you have a friend there to escort you to the bathroom and tell people along the way that a research book fell off a shelf onto your head and that is why you are crying, and yes, yes, you'll be ok.
Then cry a bit, splash some water on you face and go out for coffee.

5. While everyone's experiences are unique...know that you are not alone. Not at all.

Much love to you and your family.

[Not Lillith]

Oh, and maybe you won't cry at all.
Thats ok too.

After years of stuffing it down, I am now a huge weeper. Mostly in book stores and while reading Chicken Soup.

So, anyway. Hope that helped. Been through this many. many. times.

[Miss Fatale]

This is the one that helped me the most after my mother died:

How to Go On Living After Someone You Love Dies by T. Rando

Take care

[KiaKat]

Oh Maria. I'm so sorry. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things we go through in our lives.

We all handle grief differently. I know you said you don't want a support group or a counselor, but please consider one. Being able to verbally work through one's grief is a huge help. It prevents wallowing, allows for redirection of emotion, and, frankly, knowing you're not alone is an amazing thing. The key is finding a group or counselor that fits with your personality and philosophy.

If you're religious, consider talking to your pastor or priest. A large part of their job is respite care, and that means caring for the living, not just the one who is dying. They also have great resources that they can share. If you're not religious, talk to your local hospital or medical group. They'll have contact and meeting info, and an entire department devoted to helping people work through grief. They'll also have a list of books, and possibly even a database of online communities.

And please remember that we're here for you as well. This is easily one of the most supportive communities on the web, and we're always happy to lend a virtual shoulder or ear. When you're feeling particularly down, come join us in chat to vent, cry, emote, or be distracted by antics. We're very good at the distraction bit.

[Amethyst Hunter]

My mom has been battling terminal cancer since 2008. I'm... surprisingly not-prepared for this news.

I don't think there is such a thing as ever really being "prepared" for that kind of news. Sorry to hear about your mom.

Haven't read it myself, but it is considered one of the foremost pioneers on the subject: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's On Death And Dying.

[Seshat]

My personal favourite is "Coping with Grief" by Doctors... um ... lemme look it up. McKinnock?

McKissock. This links to an Australian bookstore site for it.

I can't quickly find a non-Australian source for it, but try '"Coping with Grief" McKissock' as your Google search terms: Google does like to give you local responses on the early pages. :/

I am very, very sorry to hear what you're going through. It isn't easy.

Whatever you feel is what-you-feel. It's right and proper to feel that way. Your responses should include safe outlets for the feelings - whether that's weeping on your best friend or yelling at a punching bag in your local gym.

Please do have a doctor, counsellor, or grief-trained priest of your personal faith monitor you over the course of the next couple of years; just to ensure that if your grief does start to tip over towards depression (as in, the illness rather than the healthy response to loss), they can intervene.
In most cases, the right words at the right times is all the intervention necessary.

Eat as well as you can manage to; perhaps ask a friend to help you cook a batch of meals you can freeze and then microwave later. You're going to have days (maybe weeks) when you won't want to be bothered cooking.

Exercise if you can. Walk in a park with a friend while you talk about ... whatever comes into your head.

Understand that the grieving process will take as long as it takes. You won't be 'better' in a few weeks. You won't be 'over it' in a few months. It's been years since my Nan died, and there's still a gap in my heart.
But it's one I can live with, now. It's a healed wound, a scar, not an open and bleeding pain.

You have my best wishes; and as always, a plethora of unasked-for advice.

Grieve well, and come to terms with your loss when you are ready to. That's the best I can wish for you.

[Rapscallion]

You may end up feeling lonely.

www.samaritans.org get thirty percent of their emails from the US. They'll listen. They're trained.

Rapscallion

[Maria]

Thank you all, for the recommendations to get me started. Definitely going to hang onto that website, since I'm one of those who tends to wait till 3am to get upset and need to talk.

Sometimes this may cause you to turn into a weeping ball of snot, which is why you have a friend there to escort you to the bathroom and tell people along the way that a research book fell off a shelf onto your head and that is why you are crying, and yes, yes, you'll be ok.

This made me giggle so much because, for one thing, it's probably very accurate, but mostly because almost all my friends are guys! Escorting me to the bathroom would be just a tiny bit awkward! But you're right, going to the store with a friend is a good approach and I hadn't even thought of it. A friend of the family decided to drag me up to visit Mom again tomorrow so I'll write out the recommendations here, and ask her about book shopping. Failing that, I'll put it on the list of things to do with my sister when I visit her next month. We don't share parents, I got adopted, so she's actually almost the perfect support person... very invested in me, not remotely emotional about my mother. If only she didn't live 3000 miles away!

Thanks again... glad I have some starting-off points to figure out how to get through this.

[drunkenwildmage]

Maria,

Try this site.. I visited it a quite a bit after my Wife passed away after the first of the year.


http://www.recover-from-grief.com/

[Not Lillith]

I'm glad that I could ellicit a giggle.

Here's a little personal story for you.

My mother died when I was 20. She had been sick for several years. But by the time they diagnosed her with cancer it had already spread to her brain and there was nothing to be done. She died within 3 months of the final diagnosis.

We lived in Arizona. Summer temps were regularily 110-115 degrees.


I went out and bought a dress suit. Very flowery, some black in it, but mostly a rosey kind of pattern because my mother believed that funerals should be about celebrating life, not mourning it.

When it was time to go to the funeral...I lost my mind.

No.
No.
No.

I could not possible attend the funeral.

You see.

I did NOT have pantyhose.

(No one in their right mind wears pantyhose in 115 degree weather)

BUT! I was going to a funeral

Not any funeral.

My MOTHER'S FUNERAL

No way in HELL was I going to my mother's funeral WITHOUT being properly dressed.

I froze right in front of the car and informed my brothers and sisters that I would NOT and COULD NOT attend my mother's funeral WITHOUT nylons.

Wasn't going to go.
Nope.
Couldn't make me.

To this day I'm not sure how they got me in the car.
They were NOT happy with me.

All I know is that I still have a pair of LEGGS picked up at a walgreens on the way.

We were not late.

I never put on the pantyhose.

But I still have that damn egg with an unworn pair of pantyhose still in it. 20 odd years later.

...

And we still talk about it.

Silly, I know, but looking back on it, it gave me (and I like to think it gave my siblings) a moment of pause to consider the gravity of the situation, and all these years later, the humor of it also.

[BookstoreEscapee]

If you're not religious (I don't think you said either way) you might check out Grief Beyond Belief, too.

[Maria]

I didn't say if I was religious or not, no. I don't even know the answer to that one. Changes with the wind. My family is, but... I don't know. I'm glad to have a non-religious option to check out, thank you. I didn't even know anything like that existed.

(No one in their right mind wears pantyhose in 115 degree weather)

My birthmother used to! How, I have no idea, but now that I think about it I wouldn't exactly say she was ever in her right mind either, so maybe that's how. Man, I'm going to giggle about that all night, now.

It sounds just as silly, but you know my number-one fear if she doesn't last through the next few weeks? It's that my "funeral dress" is ankle-length black polyester "suede" material. Sleeveless, yes, but that's just because sleeves are optional here, more or less year-round. It looks good on me, and very sedate and appropriate, but it's not so much a dress as it is a fast-track option to heat stroke or something. I have images of myself dying someday and arriving at.. er.. whatever.. afterlife thingy.. and there's Mom going "you hiked up your dress to nearly your knees. At my funeral. I don't care that it was 118 degrees that day! MY funeral. And you weren't even wearing pantyhose!"

[Not Lillith]

That image makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Having attended some 20 odd funerals, I still find that I am always woefully unprepared.

Took care of my MIL during the last few months of her life. Knew it was coming. Not a big shock. Thought "I have been through this before. I know what to expect. I shall keep my composure and be strong and supportive for my husband."

Well. Overall that sort of worked out between random bits of snotty-tears, and bursts of laughter. (My husband and I share a rather dark sense of humor) Very greatful to the funeral directors who have "seen it all" because both of us tend to use that humor as a coping method, which, when viewed from the outside could be considered rather...um...inappropriate.

And of course, "being prepared" meant that, again, I did not have any appropriate funeral clothes.

My husband and I had both quit our jobs to care for his mother so money was tight and all I could afford was a rather frumpy black dress and ill-fitting shoes from the local thrift store.

Getting dressed that day I realized that I did not have any nylons without runs in them...but oh, look, I have a pair of black tights!

And, oh, dear...I know I'm going to be standing for most of the day, and these shoes are going to kill me.

but! I have a pair of black nursing clogs!

So, there I am, at the reception hall and I'm not sure how it came up in the conversation but I said to a group of women, (rather snarkily) that if only I had a black scarf for my head and some beads I would look just like a NUN! (how awful)

And then one of the women said, "Oh? and what, exactly, is wrong with that?" and that's when it dawned on me, that, um...yes...the service was in a catholic church...and I was surrounded by nuns.

/hang head

/eat more doughnuts

/keep mouth full for at least the next hour.

My husband, thought that it was funnier than shit.

They really shouldn't let me into those places.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm glad to have a non-religious option to check out, thank you. I didn't even know anything like that existed.

You're welcome. One of the blogs I read posted about it a while back; there doesn't seem to be a whole out there in that vein.