Ffffffuuuuuu .... (long and fairly ranty)

[Pixilated]

So.

My mother has gone into a nursing home. Barring a full-blown miracle, she will not be coming home. I am living in her house while I go to school but there is no question that once I am through school the house will be sold. If mom is still with us, the money will go towards her continuing care. If she is not, it will be disposed of according to her will.

Because she will not be coming back, my brother (her Power of Attorney) has suggested it would not be out of line to start disposing of some of her belongings -- nothing that would have sentimental value to her (e.g. we have a small built-in cupboard in the dining room with various knickknacks in it. Nothing in there will be touched.) His rationale is that it is pointless to wait until the last minute before selling the house to start doing a cleanout (please note, I am nobody's idea of a speedy worker. It's not as though he's expecting me to empty the house out by Christmas -- this one or the next.)

My brother has so far spoken to our sister only about the living-room furniture and she was initially reluctant to see it go. He managed to talk her around on that (not to go into gross detail, but it is basically unusable ATM). On his most recent visit home he suggested it would also not be amiss to start to dispose of some of mom's clothing. I have taken some of it to the nursing home -- in the last few years she wore mostly matching sweatshirts/sweatpants, so those are what I took down there, and there are more here that I can take to her if she needs them. That being said, there are clothing items here that she will never wear again, and those were what I had started to launder, with the idea of donating them, along with some "foundation" garments. I had also sorted briefly through her jewellery box. Please note: she has NO jewellery that is worth anything, except possibly at a garage sale. Anything that I saw that might have any sentimental/monetary value was left in her box.

I then emailed brother and sister asking about the jewellery. So far only sister has replied, saying nothing of mom's personal belongings should be disposed of until all 3 of us can be there. I said, "Ok [to the jewellery]; do you mean clothing as well?"

Yes, she does. And please note (like you don't already know what I'm going to say) that mom also has NO clothing of any great value -- no fur coats or anything like that (and if she did, that would be among the stuff I would have kept behind). We're talking elastic-waisted pants made of cheap jersey-like material ... tops from places like WalMart ... and so on.

And sis added, "If its in your way then toss the stuff in boxes and put it downstairs." My interpretation on that is that she seems to feel I'm gleefully taking over the whole house ("IT'S MINE! IT'S ALLLLL MIIIIIIINE!!!") and so of course I want to turf all mom's stuff out because it's cramping my style.

Why am I taking this interpretation of her comment? Well, did I mention that my sister has become increasingly intolerant, self-righteous and judgmental over the past decade or so? She has become one of those who automatically jump to the worst possible conclusion and then proceed to rant about (or at) the people involved. Prior to my move to Windsor I was getting fairly stressed out over a few issues and she was basically pretty snotty about it, with a "Here's how I handled it and if you won't handle it the same way then you're screwing up and the results are on your head" attitude.

My initial email went out to both my brother and my sister, so he will see it, and he can deal with her. I didn't even bother responding to her last snotty crack. I'm not actually asking for advice here -- although if anybody's got any advice on how to deal with this, I'd love to hear it. For the most part, I'm just venting -- and thank you to anybody who's managed to get this far.

[Aethian]

Honestly, starting out a slow clean out now would be good. One of my coworkers just had to do a quick clean out of his parents place and has a sibling like you mentioned. If they had been able to start the clean out shortly after their Father died and their Mom was being moved into their home, the job would have gone smoother. As it is, pieces of supposedly remembered items are now missing or mismatched into different boxes. So I feel for you.

[Pixilated]

Thanks, Aethian. I'd understand it more if mom had a house full of valuables and if I hadn't promised to email about anything I was uncertain about.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that sis is half a continent away and in a precarious job situation right now, so who knows when she will be able to get back here. And really ... how likely is it she'll want mom's stretch pants and used shoes??

[Gizmo]

*hugs*

If you don't want to upset her could you box it up, label it, and put it in the loft (or one room) and make it her job to sort that?

At least it would give you a chance to sort stuff out so its easier to clear it when the time comes.

[Seraph]

What about just stating the obvious to your sister, since....it kinda seems like she isn't realizing the situation? I mean, would it be bad to send her an email basically like: "I'm definitely setting aside any of Mom's clothes, but the stretchy stuff is going now. I doubt any of us will want it! Unless you want to sort through the sweatpants....in which case, just let me know and I'll set it aside so you can sort through that after we've tackled the other stuff."

You know, kinda smooth it over with a joking exterior, but make it clear that the stuff that's going NEEDS to be going, and it'll be more work for her if she acts like this.

I don't know, that's what I'd do. =/

[Pixilated]

*AAAUUUGGGHHH*

The whole situation has just gotten weirder ... brother emailed us both today to say that ONLY things that are damaged or a health hazard (don't ask ...) should be gotten rid of.

So I guess that means Mom's clothing items are all safe ... including the undergarments.

I emailed brother to ask if he's got a few minutes for a short chat tonight because now I'm starting to doubt my own memory ... we did discuss donating the clothes she will no longer wear, didn't we??? (Don't remember if we discussed the jewellery but sis has a point about that, regardless of its monetary value ... though I admit it'll be interesting to see how much of it she ultimately wants).

He says nothing should be disposed of that (a) has potential sentimental value for or to Mom, or (b) that any one of the three of us might eventually want. Okay ... well, I had already gotten an "Okay" from him to get rid of mom's 3-quart slow-cooker, but hey, it's always possible that somebody might want it, so guess what ...

I've decided now that absolutely nothing is going out of this house on my watch unless it's been specifically identified. In writing. I really don't have time to sit and figure out what "any one of the three of us might eventually want," especially since it seems to include Mom's polyester slacks. I've got a stack of empty boxes in the basement; the stuff that's already been packed can all go in there and wait for Judgement Day. The rest of it can stay where it is: in drawers or closets or wherever.

Seraph, that's a good idea, except my sister has, IMO, absolutely no sense of humour at all. I'd end up listening to a blast compounded of condescension and bile. Also, it would be 1 against 2 as now brother seems to have changed his mind about things. I don't actually care what they decide; I'd just like to get straight directions about it ... not one thing verbally and then something else entirely in an email.

Gizmo, to be honest, I don't give a damn how upset she may be. My first inclination is actually to box the stuff up and send it to her. However, I do have affection and respect for my brother, and he would be quite unimpressed if I did that, so I won't.

I'll just imagine it.

[Aethian]

I think they still should start to get boxed. Send all the undergarments to Mom so that she has them at the center. Their big washers can destroy some of those clothing pieces quickly. Make a list of whats in the box, seal the box, and then tape the list to the box. The more you can get done now, the less that has to be done later. You do not want to do this in a rush.

[Pixilated]

You have a good point there, Aethian.

[Draper Mel]

We're about to do this at my parents' house. I've been living here since I came back from out of state about a year and a half ago. My mom passed in October, and my dad got sick and can no longer live independently.

Like your situation, there's not much of value except artwork that they either created or collected over the years. The four of us, me, my two sisters and my brother, are going to have to get together and pretty much take turns choosing stuff. It's the only way to make it remotely "fair".

I've been dealing with my two older sisters, who have some sort of old rivalry or bad blood between them that keeps flaring up. Like I said to one of them the other day, it's like they're back in middle school the way they snipe at each other and assume the other is deliberately being mean. I'm really close to letting them both have it the next time something happens, because this is making everything harder than it has to be.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[42_42_42]

It could be that your sister is having trouble dealing with the fact that your mother is declining in health. Letting go of her things may feel to her like giving up on or letting go of your mother to her. She may feel that you getting rid of things is the same as you throwing your mother away. It's not logical, but situations like these bring out different emotions in everyone. Go ahead and sort things into boxes. Do take things to your mother in the nursing facility that she will need or that will make her time there better. Don't expect your siblings to react to the situation in the same manner as you. (((hugs))) This is difficult for everyone!

[protege]

We went through some of this crap when my grandmother was in the process of moving to a smaller apartment. Before then, she lived in a large farmhouse. Most of the furniture really wasn't worth anything. There was nothing really *wrong* with the furniture, but how many people would really want a 1940s dining room set--the buffet, big table (with a drop-leaf in the middle) and 8 chairs? Who would want a 1950s diner-style table and chairs...with grey Formica top and chromed legs? Yep, I came away with those items

What really got my mom's older brother and younger sister going...was the many framed needlepoint pictures that Grandma had done over the years. They were actually pissed that she'd given some of them away before moving. I mean, how dare she!

Then there were things that when she was alive, they wanted no part of. Things like my granddad's (he died about 20 years prior) WWII papers, his jazz records, Lion's Club stuff all became increasingly "valuable" after her death in 2010. They were *furious* when it was revealed that I had those too! My reaction? First off, it's not my fault I'm the oldest (and apparently favorite) grandchild. Second, if you wanted something, you should have come home more often than once a year! In other words, bugger off

On the other side of the family--dad's side--my grandmother acted very similar to what you've described. After her husband died of cancer in 2001, she had a very hard time letting go. They were married before WWII, and had been in the same house since the 1950s. After Grandpa died, things were a bit odd over there. It was like he'd stepped out for a bit. His slippers were still by the bed, car keys on the nightstand, etc. Even his tools in the basement back room hadn't been touched.

In that back room, was all sorts of junk--dried up paint cans, scraps of 1950s-style floor tile...and lots of old cleaning products. Before Grandpa retired, he was a salesman for a major cleaning products company--think Glade, Shout, etc.--and apparently was pretty loyal to his firm. So it was no surprise that there were old mops, buckets, and other items stored in that room. Most of the stuff was was worthless.

Even so, I had to twist her arm to get rid of it. I guess she saw getting rid of things--even junk--was the same as getting rid of Grandpa. 70 years of living together will do that, I guess. In the end, she relented, and I hauled all that crap to the skip.

[Aethian]

After Grandpa died, things were a bit odd over there. It was like he'd stepped out for a bit. His slippers were still by the bed, car keys on the nightstand, etc. Even his tools in the basement back room hadn't been touched.

It was the same way in my Grandparents home before my Uncle went in and claimed the place as his own. It was like that they had just gone out for the afternoon when we finally went in...

[MoonCat]

It's really not unusual for families to act like this when someone dies or goes into a nursing home. When my grandparents died, my mother was left to do most of this stuff. We lived in the same house as my grandparents (we were in the upper flat, they were in the lower) so it was kind of natural for my mother to get all this dumped on her. At the time, her brother/my uncle was not the nicest guy. He was very adamant about getting some of the stuff, even though the whole lot of it wouldn't have bagged $200 at a garage sale. We had to split everything as equally as possible between mom and my uncle. He was quite annoyed that my grandma's old mantel clock wasn't one of the "available" items (she had given it to me years before). It wasn't valuable except as a memento. I think my uncle believed there was going to be some kind of huge sale and he would get half the proceeds. He did change a lot in his later years and become a much nicer person, but at the time of the estate stuff I was extremely pissed at him.

[Pixilated]

I almost wonder if we're not related - this sort of thing crops up in my own family far too often for my liking. It's no damn wonder I stopped speaking to most of them. My family is located throughout that province so nothing would surprise me LOL

Get EVERYTHING in writing, Pixilated. That way you have some way to back up what you do in terms of doing whatever it is they've told you to do. In the meantime, boxing up her things would not necessarily be out of line at this time, while your brother and sister get their shit together.

Well, my brother is the diplomat in my family. I'm not sure how it happened, but I think my sister and I are going to be on coolly distant terms for the remainder of our respective lives. C'est la vie.

42_42_42, you might be right, but given the poor communication that's passed between us in the last few years, I can't say I'm very sympathetic towards her, if that is in fact the issue.

We just had a conference call and I think we got it straightened out. It basically reinforces what my brother wrote to both of us in an email: anything damaged beyond use was to be disposed of now; anything else was to be packed away, or left where it is, until the 3 of us can get together and see who wants what. Brother is very good about not being dragged into a family feud, so if there is a debate later on, his assessment of the situation will likely settle it.

Thanks for the input, everybody. Hopefully this is the end of the matter, at least until we actually move to sell the house.

[wolfie]

We just had a conference call and I think we got it straightened out. It basically reinforces what my brother wrote to both of us in an email: anything damaged beyond use was to be disposed of now; anything else was to be packed away, or left where it is, until the 3 of us can get together and see who wants what. Brother is very good about not being dragged into a family feud, so if there is a debate later on, his assessment of the situation will likely settle it.

Definitely time to send a follow-up email to both brother and sister as a CYA. State that it is your understanding that instructions are to dispose of anything damaged beyond use, and to pack away or leave in-situ everything else until the 3 of you can go over it together, that if either of them feels your understanding is not correct, let you know by $date, that you won't dispose of any damaged beyond use stuff until then, and that if you haven't heard anything to the contrary by then, you will assume that your understanding is correct.

Brother shouldn't be a problem, but without that email I wouldn't be surprised if sister, months down the road, decides she wanted something unusable-but-with-sentimental-value and gets on your case about it. With the e-mail, and no reply from her, it becomes a case of "I gave you a chance, and you didn't say anything - tough shit".