From One Extreme to the Other

[PepperElf]

Ask him out for a slice of Tau?

cos the joke is... a real "pi" would only be half of the dish. so really it's Tau if you want the whole thing.


maybe he'll like the math joke.

[Jester]

What if I say no to 3 guys and pick one and the one turns out to be a bad match for me?
What if one of the guys I say no to is the perfect match for me?

Getting way ahead of yourself, kiddo. Forget "perfect match" or not. You haven't even gotten to the point of having to choose one or another, since nothing's really happened with any of them.

Here's a "what if" for you: what if you don't make any effort towards any of them, and nothing happens with any of them? And you end up missing out on what could have been the perfect match for you? To quote the band Rush, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

The creepy non-talker is gone and off the list.

Good. Fuck him. He's creepy. Fuck that shit.

Starbucks guy has stopped talking to me so I'm not sure what's up there.

The guy who sits next to me hasn't said a word to me in about 2 weeks.

And you are incapable of speech?

Seriously, especially with the guy who sits next to you, why haven't YOU said anything? I know you're shy, I get it. No, really, I do. But if he sits next to you, and you guys were talking, you can't say something innocuous, like "Hey, what's up?" Or "Hey, how ya doing?" Because while you seem to be shy, it seems you attract guys who are also painfully shy. And when no one says anything and no one does anything, the only logical result is that nothing happens.

So...make something happen. Or wait, and watch as nothing happens. Your choice.

Geek Guy is still too intimidating to talk to and today, he walked right past me with his head turned the other way I wonder if I misread him and he really doesn't like me? Eitherway, I decided to write a note instead and give it to him on the last dayof class. That way, I don't have to worry about talking to him and if he rejects me, I won't have to deal with seeing him any more. Plus, I usually tear up when I'm rejected so it will save me the humiliation and him the discomfort. The note pretty much says "Hello, I'm sorry I con't say this in person because I'm painfully shy, but you seem like an interesting person. Would you like to get coffee or something sometime?" and I put my number at the bottom.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and NO.

Seriously, no.

A note? You are not in grade school. You are not in junior high. You are in college, lady. Time to put on your big girl panties and go face the lion.

Will he laugh at you? No. Will he mock you? No. How can I know this? Well, your own descriptions of him don't paint him as an arrogant jerk that needs to show off to his friends to compensate for the small size of his dick, for one thing. He seems like a decent guy who at WORST would be flattered but not interested, or flattered but taken and not interested. Boastful? Mocking? Hardly seems the type.

Seriously, just go say "hi." I know it's difficult. But nothing in this world that's worth getting is easy.

If it were, I would have had a date with Anna Paquin long ago.

All jokes aside, though, you keep saying that you can't do this.

I disagree. I say you can. I also say you will.

What? Are you going to call me a liar?

Among other things, look at their life goals. If someone has life goals which aren't compatible with yours, they may be suitable for a short-term romance, but not as a long-term or permanent life partner.

One example of incompatible goals is children: a family can't "half-have" children! Some people want them, some don't, some haven't actually thought it through. Some people have just assumed 'everyone has kids'; and never thought about the process of raising an infant into an independant and happy adult.

So if you want kids, and you want a long-term romance with the possibility of permanence, you'll need to discuss the kids issue. Actually, if you don't want kids, you'll need to discuss it too!

This is not putting the cart in front of the horse. This is air mailing the cart to a county three states east of the horse. Seriously, the girl hasn't even had so much as a date with any of them that I can tell, and you're talking about life goals, marriage, and children?

Yes, these are things that need to be considered, but not yet! Give the girl a chance to at least make out with one of them first!

[Kisa]

So, I did it. I almost had a panic attack, but I asked if he wanted to get coffee sometime. He gave me a weird look and asked why. I said he seemed interesting. He said he doesn't like coffee and he isn't interested in dating anyone. So, yeah. Big flop. I'm right back at square one being an undesirable :/

And now I don't know how I'm going to make it threough the last 2 days of class....

[Gizmo]

You are not undesirable. One particular guy didn't fall for you - that means nothing. It does not reflect on you AT ALL.

And you aren't at square 1 - you are at square 2. You've done this once, you can do it again. It will get easier to do it each time and will have less of an effect on you when you don't suceed as you go on.

As for the next two days just block him out and don't worry about him. Surely you've been the room with a few people you don't get on with before? Well you learn to block them out and not concentrate on them right? You don't constantly feel like you have to continue that arguement/discussion/awkwardness - you just get on with it. (I'm also looking in the mirror for this one - I need to put my 'shields' back up a bit further myself lately.).

[Andara Bledin]

Congrats on taking the plunge.

So sorry this time didn't work out, but as Gizmo said, now you know you're capable of doing it.

So, you get to cross him off the list instead of leaving it hanging and thinking "what if..." and move on to your next attempt.

^-.-^

[auntiem]

He gave me a weird look and asked why. I said he seemed interesting. He said he doesn't like coffee and he isn't interested in dating anyone.

Ok, has something changed drasticly in the dating world that I'm unaware of? 'Cause in my day asking a fellow student out for coffee because "they seemed interesting" would be just that - not an invitation to try-out to be my BF.
I'm proud of you for asking him - it will be all that more easy to do the next time.

[Kisa]

I'm proud of you for asking him - it will be all that more easy to do the next time.

I dunno about that lol That was super stressful. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up and everything was moving really fast. Now, I just feel humiliated and stupid for even asking.

[Andara Bledin]

It will be easier. Maybe not enough between the first and second successful attempts for you to be able to tell, but it will be. And every time after that, it'll be just a little bit easier.

And while you can't always control how you feel, you have no rational reason to feel humiliated, despite the offputting way he responded. I mean, a suggestion to go out for coffee doesn't require that coffee be consumed, and a suggestion to hang out isn't necessarily a date.

Of course, there's always the slim chance that he panicked and just said the first things that came to mind, and now he's feeling stupid, too. Who knows.

^-.-^

[MoonCat]

So, I did it. I almost had a panic attack, but I asked if he wanted to get coffee sometime. He gave me a weird look and asked why. I said he seemed interesting. He said he doesn't like coffee and he isn't interested in dating anyone. So, yeah. Big flop. I'm right back at square one being an undesirable :/

And now I don't know how I'm going to make it threough the last 2 days of class....

With your head up, that's how. You did something you were afraid to do and you didn't explode or melt or fall apart. That may not seem like much right now, but believe I know how it feels to be so scared and unsure of myself. I really do. He's just one guy. Don't let it discourage you. There will be lots of others.

[Shpepper]

Be proud of yourself for having the courage to speak up and say something. That is such a great step for you to take. Don't look at this as a failure, Look at this as a first step towards getting past your shyness.

[Jester]

First of all, BRAVO, KISA! BRAVO!

You are looking at this as a negative, but I think you should be looking at it as a positive, for several reasons.

The first reason seems very obvious to me, but you might have missed it. Allow me to explain it in your own words:

I wish I could do something like that, but I am physically incapable of doing anything even remotely outgoing. There isn't a spontaneous bone in my body.

So, I did it.

In short, you are clearly NOT physically incapable of doing such a thing, since you did it. You did something you KNEW you absolutely COULDN'T do.

Sure, right now you are bummed that he said no, you feel a bit put off, a bit humiliated. But you just did what you thought, what you stated repeatedly, was "impossible" for you. You have overcome a hurdle you didn't think was surmountable.

In anyone's book, that is a definite positive!


The second positive thing is that you now know he is not interested. So you can move on and find someone else that is more worthy of your attentions, and stop mooning over this guy. And since you've had the weight lifted from your shoulders of worrying about this guy, that is actually another positive, so that's two positives in one, for a total of three positives.

I'm on a roll now!

He said he doesn't like coffee and he isn't interested in dating anyone.

Positive number four: you found out that this guy is a presumptuous jerk, and him turning you down saves you the trouble of finding that out over several dates. He kinda did you a favor, douchebag though he was about it.

Why do I call him a presumptive jerk? Well, he presumed that you asking him to coffee was you asking him to be your boyfriend, or to date you. You were at square one, he was hopscotching down the board to square three or four.

And on a side note, liking coffee has nothing to do with anything. If a girl I found interesting asked me out for coffee, while I don't care for coffee, I would go and get something else, like hot chocolate, since coffee shops usually have the BEST hot chocolates. Or I might say, hey, I don't like coffee, but sure, let's get together for something social like that.

So yeah, he's not interested in you. This is actually positive number five. After all, do you want a jerkwad interested in you? I would hope not.

But what if he is not a jerkwad, and was merely put on the spot and, being socially awkward, blurted that out. Well, that's still rather jerky, even if he didn't mean it to be, and frankly, you can do better.

I'm right back at square one being an undesirable

Nope. Untrue. False. Wrong. And futhermore, shut your mouth.

You are not undesirable. You are only undesirable to him. And we've already established that he's an awkward ass clown, so his opinion doesn't really mean much, now does it?

And now I don't know how I'm going to make it threough the last 2 days of class....

Proud of yourself for doing the impossible, and free of him and his hold over you. Feel free to ignore him, as he doesn't deserve your attention. He is, like the gum on your shoe, beneath you.

(By the way, you have gum on your shoe.)

it will be all that more easy to do the next time.

Positive number 6! I know, I know, you don't agree with this.

But think about it. Before you asked him, you KNEW it was impossible. But you did it.

Which means the next time you want to do something like that, you will already know that it is not only not impossible, but you have the ability within you to do it. So it will, in fact, be easier. Maybe not easy, but definitely easier.

Now, I just feel humiliated and stupid for even asking.

No reason for either. You took a chance, one of the greatest chances any of us can take, and it didn't work out for you. Big deal! That happens. That's life. It will happen again. And again. And again.

The best teacher in the world is failure. One does not get to be wise without having had experience, and usually "experience" means some amount of failure. Which would mean, of course, that I am very wise, having failed so often at so much. But since I AM apparently so wise, and I am your elder, you should definitely listen to me.

[Victory Sabre]

I dunno about that lol That was super stressful. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up and everything was moving really fast. Now, I just feel humiliated and stupid for even asking.

Kisa, I'm 40 years old, do you know how many women I've asked out over my 20+ years of dating? It's in the hundreds, and I've been rejected by every damn one of them (every once in a blue moon I get a date, but relationship, not really). But I ASKED! I don't fell humiliated or stupid for asking, I just found out that those women aren't right for me. I move on, and find another lady to ask. Yes, it's getting tougher as I get older - the pool of single women my age is shrinking rapidly, but I still go into the pool. And will keep going into the pool till I find the right woman.

Keep your head up, get into your swimsuit, and get back into the pool.

[Jester]

Vic, the pool of single women may be shrinking, but since the divorce rate is so high, it should be growing in good time, as well.

And Kisa, regarding what Vic said...I still VERY CLEARLY remember the first girl I asked out, how nervous I was, exactly how it went down (badly, as I recall), and pretty much everything about it. We won't get into specific times or ages, but I will say that she was very sweet about turning me down. (Thank goodness!) Didn't make me feel any less nauseous about the whole thing.

And here's a little tidbit for you: I still get nervous asking a woman out. And I'm much older than I was the first time, have dated a decent number of women, and had plenty of rejections. My point: it may not get easy, but it does get easier.

[Greenday]

I'm with Jester. The guy sounds like a dbag. I mean, who wants to date a presumptuous asshole?

It's always completely nerve wrecking when you start asking people out. It gets easier (Though I'm always nervous anyway) the more you do it.