Am I bad person?

[Fudgethatkay]

I dunno.
My boyfriend was born in Korea. Came here at age 14 with his family.

He recently got into the US Military's MAVNEE program, where he can earn citizenship by serving in the U.S Army.

He'll be a combat medic, he found out. In Afghanistan

He is heavily encouraging that after he is deployed, that I either break up or stay in "open" relationship. (not happening for a while, though, as his boot camp is in March)


Before we found out the job, we were expecting he would be like construction engineer or something like that...but I heard this job is more dangerous. In the lines and will be vulnerable while helping fallen soldiers.

I was thinking about listening to him, but I feel like I would be such a horrid person.

I want to give him a good reason to stay alive and come back, preferably in one piece.

I dunno what to think or do. I'm proud of him for entering, and I thank him for taking up the task and showing sacrifice for a country he, as a foreign born citizen originally, really owes nothing to. (He could easily go back and only serve two years in army for South Korea, which is less dangerous...) But, I am so afraid of the risks. He told me his mother flipped when she found out what he was going to do, and I don't blame her.

But my thoughts are...just jumbled. I'm scared. Really scared. We've been together 3 years. Off and on, had some hard times together, and apart.

But I don't want to be a "slut" and do that to him either...but I know it'll be hard since I'm still young. (I'm 21, he is 24)

I'm sorry for sounding stupid

[Dilorenzo]

Nothing stupid about it, it's certainly an... interesting situation to be in.

I really can't give you advice as to whether to say yes or no, as that decision has to come from you. However, it sounds like you need to do a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with him to figure out what's going to happen here. Specifically, whether or not you two are going to stay in a commited relationship or not.

Regardless of if you decided to do the "open" thing, it would still be possible to be in the commited relationship, if it could survive that, so there's that.

Just talk it out with him. List pros and cons to either situation.

I don't envy you, though.

[Fudgethatkay]

Nothing stupid about it, it's certainly an... interesting situation to be in.

I really can't give you advice as to whether to say yes or no, as that decision has to come from you. However, it sounds like you need to do a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with him to figure out what's going to happen here. Specifically, whether or not you two are going to stay in a commited relationship or not.

Regardless of if you decided to do the "open" thing, it would still be possible to be in the commited relationship, if it could survive that, so there's that.

Just talk it out with him. List pros and cons to either situation.

I don't envy you, though.

We talked about the pros and cons yesterday.

he is adamant that I don't "waste my life" waiting for him no matter what i say though. knowing that he is taking a bigger risk isn't making me feel good about doing that tho.

[csquared]

Your boyfriend sounds like a very noble person. I'll be proud to call him a fellow American citizen (more so than a lot of the people we read about on this site).

I can understand his position. Thinking that your in a committed relationship and then getting the "Dear John" letter while you are on the front lines. Don't need your head screwed up with that.

You can always tell him that you will consider your open, but there are two things he will need to remember
1. No matter hat happens, there will be someone here that loves him.
2. Just because you are open, does not mean that you will settle for someone who is less than he is. So he should not be surprised when he returns that you are still available.

And if you are in that kind of a relationship, give him one hell of a going away present.

And tell him I said "Thank you for your service."

[Greenday]

I don't get why you'd have to break up. It's not like deployment lasts forever. Heck, they are even starting to shorten the length of deployments. Odds are his deployment will be somewhere between 9 months and a year. Plus, at some point, he SHOULD be able to take leave and come home for a short vacation. It sucks being far from home but he'll be home before you know it.

[Aethian]

I think you need to talk to some of the ladies on www.militarysos.com. Majority of the ladies are the wives of deployed military and can help you with some of the pros and cons they know of.

[kpzra]

A deployment would be a year in the future at this point, maybe longer. A lot can happen between now and when he actually deploys, if he does. Don't make any decision until the date is closer. I've seen plenty of things happen during the year leading up to a deployment.

[yeahwhatev]

As a person who has been in the service, I can tell you something with 100% certainty. If both people in a long distance relationship are not fully committed, IT. WILL. NOT. WORK. The divorce rates of the Military are worse than that of Police officers. We may be attempting to lessen our presence in certain areas, but we are not at peace. This will be stressful on him more than you, but both of you will feel more pressure and mixed emotions than you can possibly know. This is added to the already considerable effort needed to maintain a long distance relationship.

I have heard of some people being happy and having successful "open" relationships. None of the people I have known (or known of) have done it successfully. It's condescending to simply say "You are young, there are other fish in the sea". That advice is a cop-out. But please consider that he too, is young, and going to be away from home for the first time. The man may just BE thinking of you when he tells you to be free to find sex elsewhere. As a male, and ex-military, the politest way I can phrase this is... "I've heard that particular phrasing before.."

It's very likely that he is going to be looking for sex while single and in the prime of his life. At the worst, he is being slightly manipulative so he can prowl without guilt. If you like the idea of coming back to him after his tour, go for it. I am a stranger on the internet, I do not know you or your friend. I think you should simply enjoy being young while you can. This sort of offer is not something you can take back. He is saying he has no problem with you being fiends with other men. Very good. He is saying he has no problem with you dating other men. Large eyebrow raiser. He is also saying that he has no problem if you have a relationship and sex with other men.. BIG. RED. FLAG!

If you are sleeping with him now, please be careful. Use condoms and get yourself tested. NOW! There is no proof that everyone who mentions the words "open relationship" has unprotected sex. In my experience, especially my military one, that has been a VERY good indicator.

Please do not be offended. Your friend may be completely monogamous to you. He may love you with all his heart. The fact that he's said these things to you mean he cares about, at the very least, your feelings. Good luck.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

This sounds similar to what I went through when J and I were away from each other for about 3 years. As he was still in Japan and I was in the states; long before I found this place. (And I think I was your age)

He went through a time where he kept telling me to find someone else and that I could do better. I was stubborn as hell and refused to leave his side since he was going through a really rough time with the Sea Duty. I wanted to be the shoulder, the comforter and he appreciated it greatly.

Our relationship succeeded and we're now married

I don't know your bf or you very well, but if you both love each other that much and willing to commit to a challenging long distance relationship, stick with him.

I like Aethian's idea, take a gander at that site. I know I will be in the future.

[Seshat]

I have heard of some people being happy and having successful "open" relationships. None of the people I have known (or known of) have done it successfully.

Now you know of one. Ten years now. But it's got its rules, requirements - it's not just random sex with whoever.



On to the main topic:

A few years without sex won't kill you. Heck, I've had 'dry spells' (despite being married) that lasted many years.

Leave sex out of the equation. Consider how long he intends to be military, and whether or not you want to be a military wife. If he intends to be in nursing or the medical professions, consider the difficulties of being the spouse of someone on-call so much of the time, and on shift work.
Consider how compatible other life choices of yours are. Children? Travel? Living in the city or the country? How well does he look after you when you're sick? You when he is? How does he treat waiters and other people that some folks think are 'below him'?

If he matches your life goals, and you love each other, consider what he's likely to be doing while he's gone. If you think he'd rather wait, then wait. If not, go ahead and look. If you're uncertain, keep half an eye open but don't settle for less.

Since he's been accepted for military service, I'm going to assume he's healthy. This means here are only two things that may put you in a time crunch to meet Mr Right.
Firstly: your health. Some people have shorter life expectancy. If you don't, then no time crunch.
Secondly: if you want children. The prime fertility years are while you're young.


Final note:

Bad is not a matter of who you are, it's what you do. You are not a bad person, you are, however, a person who may or may not do bad things. Strive to do good things, and all is well.

[Fudgethatkay]

Now you know of one. Ten years now. But it's got its rules, requirements - it's not just random sex with whoever.



On to the main topic:

A few years without sex won't kill you. Heck, I've had 'dry spells' (despite being married) that lasted many years.

Leave sex out of the equation.

Final note:

Bad is not a matter of who you are, it's what you do. You are not a bad person, you are, however, a person who may or may not do bad things. Strive to do good things, and all is well.

Its not even just about the sex...

I'm a tough girl around most people, but very few know that I am the type that would love to be cuddled or using her close ones as a human pillow. I love kisses, brief and deep, however, so that is the bigger thing I am worried about. Physical affection doesn't have to be intercourse to me.


However. he sees the bigger sexual view....that is his worry.

I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I am his first and only... aside from a brief period of being broken up where he did *some* things, but not all...

He isn't my first love. Or first partner. (which he knew)

But he is my longest relationship, even if at age 21 that isn't much.

He told me he's wanted to explore before, but since that one time I mentioned, he really doesn't have the time or opportunity, so maybe, in regards to another post, that COULD be it...but I don't see the logic in that either, really >>

who knows. I am still going to be worried about him like hell....

We already agreed to be in each other's lives, whether as friends or couple, but I don't think I could in good conscience be in bed with a guy knowing that HE is out there, risking his life and possibly sanity. I know war is very ugly...

[kpzra]

I'll repeat, don't even think about the deployment until he gets his orders and is packed to deploy. My husband was ready with his gear palletized to deploy to Iraq for a year plus, instead he was rear D then medically retired. There were also healthy guys who stayed behind because they were up in a school rotation (generally Ranger school as hubs was infantry). They went then joined the unit. I also know a few who joined their unit with not enough training time to deploy, or their unit just got back. LOTS can happen before then, he may not even make it through basic or AIT. Worry about it in a year. Until then enjoy your time together and see where it takes you. Use the time he's at basic and you are apart to see how you do/feel.

[trailerparkmedic]

Oh, so he is immediately going to Afghanistan? What divison does he have in his contract? How does he know their deployment schedule?

The medic in my name is not from being an EMT. 99% chance he does not know where he will even be stationed, never mind when or if he'll be deployed. Does he even know how long medic school is? It was 17 weeks when it was a 91W, so add on 10 weeks for basic and he'll spend most of next year training before finding out his permanent duty station.

Things medics do that don't involve deployed units:
-working as an aide in a hospital
-working in doctor's clinics
-working at a training center to help take care of units that are training there temporarily
-working in a unit that isn't currently deployed. Even during Iraq, units were only deployed about 50% of the time. I imagine it's even better now.

He'll probably be deployed at some point, especially as a male, but your relationship won't last the temptations of AIT unless he can grow the fuck up.

[Rainman]

I have seen other vets chime in on this, so here is my two cents.

At this point the only thing that is certain is what his MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) is going to be. He has plenty of time before his Basic Training cycle and AIT (Advanced Individual Training) and those will take months to complete as well. IF he gets through his school, and IF he gets assigned to a combat unit, and IF that unit gets deployment order, you really do not have to worry about him to much. After basic and AIT, he will be posted somewhere in the continental US, or one of our posts in an allied country where he will (barring some wild unforseen accident or something) be perfectly safe. As others have said, deployments last up to a year these days and there is a several week leave (vacation) he will get at some point during his tour. So just in case you were under the impression he would spend his entire time in the military overseas in a war zone, it doesn't work like that.

Should he find himself in Afghanistan here are some other things that may comfort you some. It is not like the movies where a soldier gets hit and the medic goes running through a hail of gunfire to perform first aid right then and there. Soldiers and medics are all trained to get the wounded soldier to a relatively safe place before any care is given, so you don't have to worry about that. While its true our soldiers do die over there, it is in no way remotely close to the casualty rates of previous wars. The odds of coming back in one piece are pretty good. Also, soldiers are very protective of their medics and should the shit hit the fan he will be just as well armed as the guys he is with (medics used to go unarmed, not anymore) I am not going to pretend there isnt danger and just tell you not to worry about him, but should you ever find yourself worrying about him while overseas just know that he is being watched out for by alot of other guys with rifles and automatic weapons.

As for your relationship status? There could be any number of ways that could go. As others have said, if both of you are not committed to doing the WORK (yes, sometimes it will feel like work) of maintaining the relationship over long distance then its failure is only a matter of when, not if. That is not to say it CANT work, Mrs. Rainman and I kept it up for 15 months when I was overseas and I think it made us stronger in the end. I would suggest not looking at this from the point of view of a girl worrying about her soldier at war, because until he deploys it would be far more accurate to compare it to a couple who go to different colleges in seperate states. If he is saying he wants you to be able to go out and meet other people, I think it is for one of two reasons. One, he thinks military life is going to severely limit his contact with you and he doesn't want to put either of your through the difficulties of a long distance relationship. Or two, he wants to be able to go out and explore other options and doesn't want to do it by cheating on you. I wont go into long term stuff because to be honest it doesnt seem like that's what on your front burner at this time. Hope I helped some.

[Greenday]

For all you know, even if he does get deployed to Afghanistan, he could get deployed to my old base, work at the hospital, and the biggest dangers he'll be in will be getting the never ending sinus infections or having a bipolar digestive system.