Questions about long-distance relationships

[JoitheArtist]

So...yeah. It's been an interesting month. I started out November tired, depressed, and really really sick of being alone. Then it turns out that the guy I like feels the same way about me, and BAM. The world looks really different.

Problem: I'm in California. He's literally on the other side of the globe. This isn't a huge deal at the moment, but it does make some things tricky, and I could really use advice from others who've done the long-distance relationship thing.

1. Good ideas for dates? I'm at a loss! I love that he wants to be intentional about planning dates, and our first one was amazing. But I have no ideas! I want to do something more creative than watching a movie together online. Help!

2. How do you deal with insecurities when the other person isn't right there to reassure you? My last relationship ended 12 years ago, and no-one else has even been interested for the last 8 years. This has left something of a mark, and I worry that he's going to change his mind just like everyone else has. (Yes, we've talked about this, and he's reassured me that my fears are irrational, so it's just a habit of emotion to get rid of at this point.)

Any other advice? I'm terrified and unsure and completely deliriously happy.

(P.S. If you happen to follow me on any social media site, you may be able to guess who the other person is. If so, please don't say anything; we're both content to be quiet about this for now.)

[Crossbow]

Do ether (both rather) have Skype or something similar? Being able to talk/video chat might make the insecurities a little easier to deal with. The problem, of course, being the time difference. But I know you're resourceful enough to figure out that hurdle.

As for dates, there I'm kind of at a loss, I'm afraid. I don't know how much either of you are computer gamers, so that route may or may not be out. Hopefully someone that's been more successful at long-distance relationships than I can give you some ideas.



(And yes, I have an idea who he is. And yes, I'll keep it to myself. )

[Aethian]

Netflix movie date nights.

[JoitheArtist]

Do ether (both rather) have Skype or something similar? Being able to talk/video chat might make the insecurities a little easier to deal with. The problem, of course, being the time difference. But I know you're resourceful enough to figure out that hurdle.

Yes, we both have Skype, and chat at least once a day, if not twice. We've done voice chats twice, both of which were great. Skype voice chats, however, generally involve scheduling a chunk of time, so that's a bit tricky.

(And yes, I have an idea who he is. And yes, I'll keep it to myself. )[/QUOTE]

Much appreciated.

[Chanlin]

Ok... before I say anything I'll start by saying I've had two failed long distance relationships. Not trying to be scary or any such thing, but just want ya to take that into account first.

That said: distance does complicate matters, but like any relationship as long as you are both willing to make it work then you will make it work. Its that simple. There is no magic button. It's like any other relationship. It will last for as long as the two of you want it to last.

I will say this: The factor that killed the first relationship was me. I was an asshole 10 years ago. I just never recognized it until after she dumped me. However it was a good 3 and 1/2 years. The distance was close enough that we were each able to make a trip out to see one another in person now and then. That really helped.

The other failed because we both mutually recognized that the odds of one of the two of us being able to move to be with the other in any feasible amount of time amounted to a snowball's chance in hell. We still talk, but we have both agreed that its ok to move on and date someone else.

That is really the question you both need to be honest with yourselves and each other about. How much does the distance factor really bother you. AND will you eventually be able to overcome it? Is one of you eventually willing to overcome it? Like any relationship you just need to be open and honest with one another and communicate.

[Moirae]

I met my husband online in 1999. We met face to face in 2001. We have been married since 2006, and I moved to the US in 2008 (I'm Canadian).

Really? You don't go out on dates. Except for the rare times when you're actually together. And then there's lots to do since you two get to play tourist in wherever the other one lives. You can try to mirror an interesting activity with each other like both cooking the same meal, watching the same movie, etc. But you will be limited on what you can do.

So how did we do it? We talked. Every single night. We called each other on the phone and talked, facebook, chat, skype, whatever. Unless something happens (like a family emergency, intense exhaustion, injury, etc), yes we talked every single night for at least an hour. There were times when we'd talk for 12 hours straight. We'd sometimes stay up till 2 am just to talk to the other person for at least an hour. Even if we didn't have anything to say. We'd sit there listening to each others breathing and watching tv on our respectful ends of the phone and remarking occasionally on what we saw. Sometimes we wouldn't hardly talk at all. Sometimes we'd talk for hours. There were, and are, NO secrets.

At one point, after about 4 years, my stepdad once said to me that we have better communication than couples that have been married for ten years.

In the time that we have been together, we have seen the death of my mother, the death of several of his family members, hurricane Katrina, a car accident that almost killed me and left me unable to walk for a year (that was what convinced me he was the one. He borrowed money from everyone he knew and took a week off work to come to Canada to hold my hand in the hospital).

After everything that we had been through, there was no question that we were getting married. Life just wouldn't be life without him in it. Everything that I am belongs to him without him ever asking it, and he feels the same about me. He is the love of my life. All his wonderful goodness, and all his flaws, are something I love with all my heart.

Let me tell you that it can work. But you need to trust each other, and you need to be trustworthy. It will NOT be easy. We almost broke up once after about a year because the distance is more than most people can bare.

It will be a fight. For you and for him. People around you will try to tell you the other is backstabbing, and hateful, and only after one thing, but you need to learn to trust yourself and the other person. It will sometimes take so much of your energy that you will feel you can't go on. If the relationship is worth it, you will push through it. There are times when all you want the most in the world is to feel the other persons arms around you. And times when you won't want to talk to each other because the hour a night thing will get wearing after a while. But do it anyway. Remember, you aren't in each others presence. You can't go on regular dates, or go over to each others houses, or even sleep in each others beds except very rarely due to the cost of travel. You need to keep in touch somehow, even when it's vaguely annoying.

You may break up. If so, that's ok. Most long distance relationships can't last the distance. But if it works, and for us it did, it will really and truly work.

For me, and I hope for him as well, I couldn't live without him. He is my best friend. He is my dearest love. He makes me laugh. We hold each other up in the hard times. I can trust him implicitly, and I have no doubts about him, or our relationship because he is a truly thoughtful and good man down to his very core. Our relationship is the single most important thing in the world to both of us. I left my home, my family, and my country to be by his side. That's how much I love him.

You will know what is right after the first blush of love is gone (usually within a year or two).

Good luck.

[Mytical]

I've been in a long distance relationship two years as of December the 1st. Our secret is..we talk almost every day..normally at least four and a half hours, usually longer. It is over private chat, and not IM for the most part, so it is a bit slow..but we keep it fresh and interesting. *chuckles* Of course we are a bit..odd..I mean..look at my signature..we do have a 'fantasy world' we share. We know reality from fantasy, but it does keep it fresh and interesting. We are also crazy about each other..(or just crazy..who can tell? ).

I am not able to give advice on dates sorry..all ours are things like flying, going swimming, or the like.

[ralerin]

1. Good ideas for dates? I'm at a loss! I love that he wants to be intentional about planning dates, and our first one was amazing. But I have no ideas! I want to do something more creative than watching a movie together online. Help!

Moirae said it beautifully. You won't "date" unless you see each other in person; and even then it won't feel like a date, if that makes sense. For Boyfriend and I, time just sort of flows together. We spend 2 weeks with each other and that's that. We don't "date". We go out for dinner or spend time together and such.

Having said that...(highlight for TMI and NSFW) You can have sex together if you're willing to invest some of your hours together to watch each other strip and masturbate and talk about how much you want each other while doing it. Done properly, it can be extremely intense and some of the best sex you've ever had. Bring your towel. Up to you if you like that sort of thing.

2. How do you deal with insecurities when the other person isn't right there to reassure you?

You do your best to comfort each other. And you take pride in the fact that you chose each other, therefore there isn't anything to be worried about. You need to trust each other.

Any other advice? I'm terrified and unsure and completely deliriously happy.

Good for you. I wish you luck.

[PepperElf]

skype works well. but the main thing is "communication communication communication"

i didn't see my BF for ... really for 2 years. he came to visit me for almost a month but after that i didn't see him again for over a year. i think what made it work was that we were already established, but it was still a trying time.

[DeltaSierra]

Moirae's story is almost identical to my own!!!

It can work I'm from Canada, my fiance from New Hampshire USA. He and I communicated via Facebook, email and skype (we met on Yahoo in 1998.) After being serious since 2006, with many visits in-between (but usually only one a year) we got engaged10/10/2010.

I moved here to NH 2 weeks ago We're getting married next Wednesday on 12/12/2012

Wishing you both all the best!!!

[JoitheArtist]

I moved here to NH 2 weeks ago We're getting married next Wednesday on 12/12/2012

Awww, congratulations!!!

[artcurmudgeon]

::breaks out the Long Distance Relationship Soapbox::

So you want to have a long distance relationship? good for you.

I met my DW in 1998 in an IRC chat room. I was in Missouri, she was in Wales. about 4500 miles apart. First is was chatting all the time, then it was a few phone calls(horribly expensive) and then various online means to talking. she came over 6 months later and stayed for 9 months. we got bad advise and she got deported. we spent 2 and a half years getting her back into the us.

I love my wife and worship her as she does make me very happy.

One thing I can say is make sure you have very clear lines of communication as sometimes it helps. I have also learned that there are a lot of cultural differences. and that can go a long way to causing communication break downs...

[bhskittykatt]

I met Hubs online in 2005, and we met in person in 2006. He was about a 6-7 hour drive away, so I had the opportunity to visit on weekends which helped.

As others have stressed, communication is key. Talk daily, even if it's just for 10 minutes to catch up. Write often, too. Email is nice, but old-school love notes via snail-mail are awesome. We regularly sent each other little gifts, too.

[Kheldarson]

My hubs and I met in person but went through about 4 to 5 years in a long distance relationship. We were fortunately close enough to see each other regularly.

Like everybody else, communication is key. Unlike everybody else, what's this about not dating? Bull.

A date is meeting up with somebody and hanging out, right? Skype is great for that. Do an activity together while on Skype. Kabe and I would write and roleplay. Have a video game of the MMO variety you both play? Meet there and do...whatever it is you do on that game. Or as somebody else mentioned, watch the same movie together. Heck, we've even read fanfic at the same time together.

Be creative, have fun, and talk. That's the key to things.

[JoitheArtist]

A date is meeting up with somebody and hanging out, right? Skype is great for that. Do an activity together while on Skype. Kabe and I would write and roleplay. Have a video game of the MMO variety you both play? Meet there and do...whatever it is you do on that game. Or as somebody else mentioned, watch the same movie together. Heck, we've even read fanfic at the same time together.

That's how I'd define a date, yes. Planned activity together; don't need to be in-person for that. First date was working through a choose-your-own-adventure story, which was really fun. I'm kind of hoping to avoid watching movies together at this point, just because I don't want that to become the default. We will be at a convention together in July, so we'll get to see each other then. I'm both excited and terrified.