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Ok, before I continue, this involves rather explicit talk about the birds and bees, so stop now if you don't want to see that.
Still here? Ok. So I have been friends with a girl who is kind of on an up and down streak when it comes to sanity, stability, and morals. This is the same young lady who tried to have me arrested on trumped up charges (posted an earlier thread, someone link to it if you can find it.) Anyway, a few months ago we made up and started hanging out again. Now, this girl is much more...experienced, shall we say, than I am at the physical side of love (I am a 31 year old Christian who has always kept his virginity up to now.) I recently have really started to feel angry and left out over the fact that I am(was?) still virginal when most of my friends are married and have been for some time. I was feeling very resentful that I have been "left out" of something that is part of most people's lives, i.e. sex and relationships. About a week ago I was feeling the need to talk to someone about this, and I had plans to pick up my friend that night for dinner and hang out.
I picked her up and started explaining my feelings in this regard, since I felt I could get some advice on love and if sex is really such a big deal from her since she's been there herself. I didn't realize until I had already opened my mouth that she was stinking drunk off her rear at the time (she's got substance abuse issues she swore she'd kicked.)Naturally, she was...intrigued by this and admitted she found me very attractive--how stable, steady and respectful I am, and offered to take my virginity. While tempted, I refused since she was drunk and in my mind, not able to consent.
However, this opened the door to further talk over the last week about the topic, and we decided that, while our friendship was important and maybe jumping straight into sex wasn't the best idea, perhaps we should give dating a chance. Friday we went to lunch and then hung out at my place. We decided we were going to be a couple, and we started kissing a little. After that she went out on the balcony to smoke, like she often does. She spent longer out there than normal, and when she came back, she was acting a little weird. She demanded I clean my apartment and started swearing at me and really cracking the whip. I did as she asked, because this isn't the first time she's complained about this, although I did think she was being more stringent about it than normal. Afterwards, we snuggled down on the couch for a bit, then she told me I should take her in the back and make love to her. I was going to, but then she changed her mind and said we weren't ready.
She disappeared onto the balcony again, and when she came back, we decided to order food. However, she was acting VERY strange by now, demanding to know literally a second after we decided to order pizza if I had done it yet and then announced she was going to sleep in my bed. Her equilibrium was off, as well, and she was speaking very deliberately, and kept repeating things over and over and over that she had just said. She also seemed kind of out of it. Then she said that I should have had sex with her several times by now and started undressing, and demanded I take off my clothes. Against my better judgement (but by now very horny) I did so and we started...well, you know. We had a major problem, though--we're both heavy, and I literally could not get the clearance to...well, get inside.
Then my bed (a single) collapsed and we fell off. After we moved to the floor, her cursing me out for not having a bigger bed, I looked in her eyes and noticed her pupils were very large. I said, without thinking, "You're high, aren't you?" She pushed me off and snapped at me, saying all sorts of things about how could I possibly accuse her of that when she's naked, etc., that how could THAT be what I was thinking about at a time like that, and I...well, it's my first time (still not sure if I'm technically still a virgin or not, since I never got inside,) and I just went...limp. Could not get it back, either. We tried for like 20 minutes (and she seemed to forget she was angry at me inside two minutes, another sign) and she cursed me out royally. She called me selfish, an asshole, a f***ing jerk, the whole nine yards. I started crying. Understandable, I think. I mean, I already feel horrible because I tried for the first time, at 31, and couldn't keep it up (every guy's worst nightmare, and something I have read can scar you for life if it happens your first time) and here she is cursing me out for something I can't control. Then she goes out on the balcony, AGAIN, and refuses to put her clothes on (And yes, people can see the balcony. She wouldn't even turn the light off.) Then she comes back inside and gets dressed and has me take her home like nothing happened. LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
Since then, I haven't really talked to her, but I am just very confused. She has no other real friends, and I promised her (and meant it) that if we slept together, I wouldn't let it keep us from being friends. That I knew what it meant for her to offer herself to me at all (she's been raped in the past) and that I would respect that. But after what happened, I am feeling ashamed, angry as hell, frustrated, horny, unbelievably (although not for a couple days,) almost like I would want to try again and like I never want to see her again all at the same time. I don't know if having a talk with her about the way she acts under the influence and telling her I won't be around her if she is would be the best step, going back to being just friends with the same restrictions (as well as she's not welcome alone at my place with me anymore) or just cutting all ties would be the best thing. I have to say, though, I am worried she might try to accuse me of rape or sexual assault or something if I piss her off badly enough. I could really use some advice.
Still here? Ok. So I have been friends with a girl who is kind of on an up and down streak when it comes to sanity, stability, and morals. This is the same young lady who tried to have me arrested on trumped up charges (posted an earlier thread, someone link to it if you can find it.) Anyway, a few months ago we made up and started hanging out again. Now, this girl is much more...experienced, shall we say, than I am at the physical side of love (I am a 31 year old Christian who has always kept his virginity up to now.) I recently have really started to feel angry and left out over the fact that I am(was?) still virginal when most of my friends are married and have been for some time. I was feeling very resentful that I have been "left out" of something that is part of most people's lives, i.e. sex and relationships. About a week ago I was feeling the need to talk to someone about this, and I had plans to pick up my friend that night for dinner and hang out.
I picked her up and started explaining my feelings in this regard, since I felt I could get some advice on love and if sex is really such a big deal from her since she's been there herself. I didn't realize until I had already opened my mouth that she was stinking drunk off her rear at the time (she's got substance abuse issues she swore she'd kicked.)Naturally, she was...intrigued by this and admitted she found me very attractive--how stable, steady and respectful I am, and offered to take my virginity. While tempted, I refused since she was drunk and in my mind, not able to consent.
However, this opened the door to further talk over the last week about the topic, and we decided that, while our friendship was important and maybe jumping straight into sex wasn't the best idea, perhaps we should give dating a chance. Friday we went to lunch and then hung out at my place. We decided we were going to be a couple, and we started kissing a little. After that she went out on the balcony to smoke, like she often does. She spent longer out there than normal, and when she came back, she was acting a little weird. She demanded I clean my apartment and started swearing at me and really cracking the whip. I did as she asked, because this isn't the first time she's complained about this, although I did think she was being more stringent about it than normal. Afterwards, we snuggled down on the couch for a bit, then she told me I should take her in the back and make love to her. I was going to, but then she changed her mind and said we weren't ready.
She disappeared onto the balcony again, and when she came back, we decided to order food. However, she was acting VERY strange by now, demanding to know literally a second after we decided to order pizza if I had done it yet and then announced she was going to sleep in my bed. Her equilibrium was off, as well, and she was speaking very deliberately, and kept repeating things over and over and over that she had just said. She also seemed kind of out of it. Then she said that I should have had sex with her several times by now and started undressing, and demanded I take off my clothes. Against my better judgement (but by now very horny) I did so and we started...well, you know. We had a major problem, though--we're both heavy, and I literally could not get the clearance to...well, get inside.
Then my bed (a single) collapsed and we fell off. After we moved to the floor, her cursing me out for not having a bigger bed, I looked in her eyes and noticed her pupils were very large. I said, without thinking, "You're high, aren't you?" She pushed me off and snapped at me, saying all sorts of things about how could I possibly accuse her of that when she's naked, etc., that how could THAT be what I was thinking about at a time like that, and I...well, it's my first time (still not sure if I'm technically still a virgin or not, since I never got inside,) and I just went...limp. Could not get it back, either. We tried for like 20 minutes (and she seemed to forget she was angry at me inside two minutes, another sign) and she cursed me out royally. She called me selfish, an asshole, a f***ing jerk, the whole nine yards. I started crying. Understandable, I think. I mean, I already feel horrible because I tried for the first time, at 31, and couldn't keep it up (every guy's worst nightmare, and something I have read can scar you for life if it happens your first time) and here she is cursing me out for something I can't control. Then she goes out on the balcony, AGAIN, and refuses to put her clothes on (And yes, people can see the balcony. She wouldn't even turn the light off.) Then she comes back inside and gets dressed and has me take her home like nothing happened. LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
Since then, I haven't really talked to her, but I am just very confused. She has no other real friends, and I promised her (and meant it) that if we slept together, I wouldn't let it keep us from being friends. That I knew what it meant for her to offer herself to me at all (she's been raped in the past) and that I would respect that. But after what happened, I am feeling ashamed, angry as hell, frustrated, horny, unbelievably (although not for a couple days,) almost like I would want to try again and like I never want to see her again all at the same time. I don't know if having a talk with her about the way she acts under the influence and telling her I won't be around her if she is would be the best step, going back to being just friends with the same restrictions (as well as she's not welcome alone at my place with me anymore) or just cutting all ties would be the best thing. I have to say, though, I am worried she might try to accuse me of rape or sexual assault or something if I piss her off badly enough. I could really use some advice.
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