In which I am very confused, hurt and regretful (NSFW)

[Kristev]

I agree with MoonCat, entirely.

[Jester]

Barracuda, since you were so blunt, allow me to be blunt as well.

This woman is a crazy cunt who will only pull you down, and the last thing you need in your life is any romantic or sexual entanglements with her. Personally I think you're better off without her in your life at all, but if you do decide to remain friends, friendly, or civil with her, I think you should definitely avoid any further sexual or romantic involvement with her like the plague. Because, honestly, she is a plague. Nothing good can come from getting involved with a woman who is not only clearly a druggie, but also as clearly completely and totally batshit psycho.

Don't stick your dick in the crazy.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

I have decided what happened shows I'm really NOT ready.

I don't know that I agree with this. I think you may actually be ready, but this woman was definitely the wrong choice for you to plunge into sex for the first time with. (Or any time, really.)

I need to have a clearer head and more of a reason than I just want to lose it.

This I thoroughly agree with. You need to think with your brain and your heart, not your dick and your balls. Be open to another chance, just not with this loon. If the right situation comes along, be it romantically or merely sexually, do not let this crackhead have you so jaded to it that you pass it up just because of this one experience. I'm not saying you have to be married or even fully in love, but there are situations that may present themselves that are acceptable to you that don't involve a total whack job.

I have a strong feeling that what you want to experience is making love, not just the act of two bodies f***ing. As I'm sure anyone on these boards who is or has been sexually active can tell you, they really are two very different things.

They ARE two very different things, but I don't think Barracuda should automatically exclude the second as a possibility. As someone who has made beautiful love AND had a great time fucking, I can tell you that both can be awesome. Yes, the first is incomparable, but that doesn't make the second any less fun. (And yes, you can actually do both of these with the same person, depending on the situation!)

I think if Barracuda is comfortable with someone physically and wants to take the plunge, but is not in a dating relationship type situation, it's perfectly fine for him to do so. As long as HE'S fine with it, SHE'S fine with it, and there is no crazy drama bullshit going on, what's the problem?

Of course, if Barracuda's NOT fine with it, then of course, it should not happen.

Barracuda, you said you violated some of your personal beliefs to try to make this happen. Whatever you do, never, and I mean NEVER, violate your core beliefs just to get laid (or for any other reason, either). If and when the situation is right, and if and when you are ready, it will happen. And whether it is making love or doing the horizontal mambo, you are going to enjoy it, it is going to be fun, and it should pretty much erase this ugly chapter from your life. So don't let this one bad turn affect your future decisions overly much.

[Seshat]

I agree with Jester.

There is nothing wrong with sex as sex for pleasure, with no love-involvement included.

But I have a proviso. And that is: as long as that's what both parties want.

And another proviso: as long as there's noone involved and unconsenting. IE: no cheating on a spouse or other partner. No lying to one's family. If you're going to fuck for fun, do so with a whole heart, and be open about it to people who have a right to know.

I also believe there's nothing wrong - nothing inherently wrong - with the profession of prostitution. If you can find a place where the law protects whores from human trafficking, crime cartels and so forth as much as they protect other professions, anyway. :wry:

But if you can find a prostitute who has regular medical checks (and can show you the certification), enjoys her work and does it because it's something she does well - and yes, I personally know several such whores - then if what you want is to experience sex, as opposed to experiencing making love, go ahead and hire her. (Or him, if you swing that way.)

The difference in experience is analagous to a meal at a restaurant, vs a home-cooked meal. The first is made with skill but no love for you - you're a customer. The second may be made with any level of skill from rudimentary to exquisite, but it's made with love.


Think about it.

Sex does release neurochemicals which can trigger the same sort of mental experience as romantic love, and even religious ecstacy, depending on how the brain/mind is feeling. (This is also part of what makes rape so awful - these same neurochemicals can exaggerate emotional pain.) Reserving the sexual experience for when you are with someone you love can sort of mentally 'tie' the two together; sex becomes an expression of your love for them.

There is no right answer. There is only what feels most 'right' for you.

As for this recent episode: well, bad stuff happens to good people. Learn from it, forgive yourself, confess if it will help you forgive yourself and feel forgiven, and move on.

[Barracuda]

Thanks, Jester, Seshat. That makes a lot of sense actually.

[Jester]

I also believe there's nothing wrong - nothing inherently wrong - with the profession of prostitution.

To quote my main man George Carlin, "I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal?" Crude, but pretty much the basic argument in a nutshell.

But if you can find a prostitute who has regular medical checks (and can show you the certification), enjoys her work and does it because it's something she does well

Many brothels in Nevada have just such people on staff. And for once in my life when it comes to such a subject, I can honestly and sincerely say with a straight face that I don't know this from experience, but merely from word of mouth and what I've seen on tv.

The difference in experience is analagous to a meal at a restaurant, vs a home-cooked meal. The first is made with skill but no love for you - you're a customer. The second may be made with any level of skill from rudimentary to exquisite, but it's made with love.

Seshat, I don't think that is the best analogy, as many restaurant-cooked meals are, in fact, made with love, even if the cook doesn't know you. As a foodie, I have to disagree with this particular comparison.

From my experience, I can tell you that there have been many times when I was having sex, I did not want it to end, and it was awesome. But there were many times when I was making love when I didn't know where I ended and the other person began, and it was far beyond awesome.

Thanks, Jester, Seshat. That makes a lot of sense actually.

That's what we're here for!

[kpzra]

As far as I know, all the legal brothels here in Nevada have to have health certificates for the workers.

[Barracuda]

As far as Nevada goes, thanks for the suggestion, but I'm not ok with sleeping with a prostitute. The Bible is unclear on what exactly "fornication" is, and I will admit, I used that as an excuse, but it's crystal clear on not sleeping with a prostitute. Even if it weren't, I want my first time to be with someone I know and trust, not someone I paid.

[Jester]

Hey, that's fine. I'm not a huge fan of the idea either, though I don't oppose it.

Just keep yourself open to new experiences with new people, and don't let this whack-o-mole twist your brain about the whole sex thing.

[Pixilated]

*snip*
Since then, I haven't really talked to her, but I am just very confused. She has no other real friends, and I promised her (and meant it) that if we slept together, I wouldn't let it keep us from being friends. *snip*

I can't add anything to the advice already given, but I just wanted to address this issue: you made her a promise but would she make the same promise to you? And if she did, would she keep it? From your description of her I'm thinking the first one is unlikely and chances of the second one are pretty much zero, if not less. You made this promise in good faith but not only will there be no reciprocation, she will wreck your life if you try to keep it. You've said you're going to back off and let her hit bottom -- on the surface I know this sounds cruel but it's the only thing you can do. The only person who can fix her problems is her. And you deserve a lot better than this, regardless of whether it's with a friend or someone who's more than a friend.

[Gizmo]

Once I find her phone (she lost it somewhere over here or in my car) and return it, that's it.

Considering we have established the girl is slightly *bleep*.. be careful with this. Make sure you are with someone else when you return it and somewhere public. I would also say make sure you can't be accused of doing something with the phone (eg. sending a bad text etc.) whilst you had it but I have no idea how to do that.

[Der Cute]

STOP, STOP, STOP. This is why I live by one rule, that rule has protected me a couple times and I've seen those who don't follow it get hurt.


Don't stick your dick in the crazy.

I SO love this.
Crass alert: go the adult store, buy yourself a bottle of hand lube, and take care of business by yourself (it's much worse now that you have an idea for what it's like).

RE: phone. Snail mail it to her. You want as little contact as possible. This bitch is at Cut Direct level. You are dangering yourself (not just sexually) by spending time with her. Your ego. Your self-esteem. Your social contacts. Do you really think having an addict as a friend, that the friend is helpful to you? That they can/will say things that are true? How do you know, you don't. Also- why would I (general human) be really interested in hanging with you, if a good friend of yours is an active junkie/drug user? "Oh, this is my lady friend, Trouble." "Uh, ok. *why does he like her???* Hey I have to leave. Bye!".
Or, say you think her opinion of you is golden. Uh, No. She's sick already, her judgement is shit. She is not dependable.

RE: Sex. Sex and making love are two different things, in my head. Sex is the act of foreplay, touching, intercourse and having a good time. With caring and respect, not love. Making love is telling a person that you love them, that the way you touch them and vice versa is so important to you. An emotional and serious bond along with the sexual part of it.
I know I need sex, that's human nature, low level programming. I WANT to have someone making love to me, that restocks my emotional needs. Right now, the making love/emotional part is not going to happen. The sex, well, that's possible.

I am able to discern the two, and be able to keep them separate. I can go out and get laid and come home smiling, but know that I'll not hear from them or truly care anymore. The sex is the goal; the enjoyment and endorphins. Not everyone CAN separate the two. It's hard, honestly. (baaad pun) I also have had practice at this- the sex vs love is a learned skill. (IMO). It wasn't figured out the first day. For you, I'd not go near it, for now.

If you need emotional attention from her, as messy as she is, I fear that if you have sex with someone that you'll bond and be more attached than you need to. That's not a good thing. For now, I don't know if it's right for you.

Please, besides all the sex crap - get rid of her. She's dangerous. Sweety, if she's that bad with drugs, she'll steal from you. I have no doubt. I'm sorry she played you like this.

[dalesys]

Don't stick your dick in the crazy.

Or, as I've told my kids, "Don't put your personal objects in the sausage machine. Sure, it's hot and vibrating..."

[Barracuda]

Been up most of the night. She called, drunk, at 3 am to demand her phone back (she lost it while she was over here. ) She said she would tell the cops I stole it if she doesn't have it back in 24 hours. Not worried about that, since she tried that before with the Kindle she gave me, but I am terrified that she is going to tell the police I slept with her while she was too drunk to consent. Legally, that's rape, and it doesn't matter what I intended. I honestly don't know enough about the law in Oregon to know if what happened meets that definition or not, but I am so scared right now. The minimum sentence is almost 9 years. She remembers what happened, so she remembers consenting, but consent isn't valid if you're really drunk. I don't know what I'm going to do. I didn't take advantage of her, but the law may not care. I can't believe this is happening.

[Victory Sabre]

If you find her phone, give it to her, and have NO further contact with her EVER. She is too fucked up to be around at all!

[Jester]

Calm down. Breathe. Seriously, chill dude.

Get her her phone. And then walk away. Just walk away.

And never ever look back.

Chick is batshit crazy, and you need none of that ever again.