boyfriend made racist comment...

[Dentarthurdent]

So a friend got to bitching about work, and my boyfriend got really worked up about it and talked about how they barely pay him enough to live on and then said they should give his (boyfriend's) job to "some fucking (insert ethnicity) who's fresh off the boat" because they wouldn't know any better and would be happy with the pay. Ugh. And I don't know what to do. Other than bitch at him some more (I told him when he said it to stop yelling). Bonus suck is the friend who got him angry thinks it's funny that he can push his buttons to that degree. Advice?

[Fudgethatkay]

Honestly, if that behaviour sets you off, start distancing yourself or be cool towards him.
That kind of remark would NOT be okay.

I'm in an interracial relationship, and for some reason my bf also thinks its okay to say some bad racist jokes time to time. Usually its not THAT bad as your example, but he did make me pretty chilly a few times.

You need to make it clear its not acceptable.

[Dentarthurdent]

Thanks, I already texted him that I found what he said disgusting because it was racist and he's a grown man. Nevermind that he was shouting it in a company-owwned cafeteria where any employee could overhear and report him. Though that fact has already occurred to him.

[violiavampyr]

Eh. I tend to take racist comments/remarks with a grain of salt, esspecially if I know the person. People tend to say stupid crap when they're angry/hurt/etc. It also helps that I'm not offended by very much. My bf could say sometime that could be very sexist and/or racist, but he's not actually that. He has no problem working for women/minorities. He has no beef against either; he usually just says things like that to try and get my goat.

[Moirae]

Be honest. Tell him that either he knocks off the hatred toward others, or you're done.

[Seshat]

I believe that racism (and sexism, and 'the victim is responsible for the crime occurring', and... and...) continues only if the society allows it to.

In other words, people who say/do racist (etc) things are aware of the response they get. If they get silence or approval, they'll continue. If they get disapproval, they know that their views aren't acceptable.

Yes, that's an oversimplification. For instance, someone who knows their views aren't acceptable often tries to make their views become acceptable. Some will do extreme things to get attention for their views.

In the case of a boyfriend/girlfriend or someone else who's close to you, the best thing to do might be to quietly take them aside and let them know it's hurtful to you when they do that.


Viola:
I can't stand it when people intentionally try to 'get my goat'. To me, that's just another sort of bullying.
I understand that some people perceive it as 'just fun'. But if your boyfriend doesn't already know that that behaviour hurts some people, he probably needs to learn it.

[violiavampyr]

Eh. Like I said, there's a difference between when he's being mean (like when we get in to an argument and it goes downhill) and when he's being an ass, which is usually in good humor.

[PepperElf]

i wouldn't personally advocate dumping a relationship over one comment.

inside you know him better than any of us - you know if he's really racist, or if he was just lashing out over something that was really bothering him.


if it bothered you, I'd suggest communicating with him over it. It doesn't have to be a long Life Channel movie on how it affected you, or a dramatic ultimatum. it can be as simple as "hey that comment really bothered me" and take it from there.

sometimes a simple "that bothers me" can be more effective than say yelling or threatening to dump etc... simply because the latter is more apt to just get them defensive, where they're closed off to listening to you. while the former, is more apt to sneak inside the normal shields and may get them thinking about how their actions affect those they care about.