Should I buy a membership for my friend?

[depechemodefan]

I'd suggest grabbing something called "Hot Hands" which are basically these little cloth bags that you shake and they generate heat to help keep you warm.

The stadium has a roof that can be closed in cold or incliment weather, though those hot hands sound good for another time I might be stuck outdoors.

Welp, he asked if I wanted to go, if not, he can ask his brother to go with him and he will still pay me back the money. Now, I don't want to go but since my mom died, I told myself I will go out more. Maybe go to a gunshow or a boatshow, even though I care not for either. Just to get me out of the house since I rather stay home all the time. But the more I thought of it the more I thought I would be bored and bug him to leave at some point. The game might be interresting, but the last time I went to a football game it was when the Oilers were still playing in the Astrodome and I was bored.

So I told him that I won't go, take his brother. HIs reply was "Ok...I guess." So I guess it's win-win for me. I get paid my money back (he said he will be by tomorrow with the money) and I don't have to go.

I was thinking, "well, since I kind of ruin his plans maybe I should get/share with him a membership, but I just read page 2 of the post and I think people are right about him. I know he wants to get back together, and I've thought I kept a distance with him, but it's obvious that he isn't going to change his mind about me.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

There are a lot of people (mostly guys in my experience but not all men, it's just the society tends to breed this behavior in males more so than females) where telling them "not interested in relationship" (either rekindling or a brand new one) is only a traffic signal type of red light. It'll eventually turn green, they just need to keep pushing and pushing.

I've dealt with it before and it can get way uncomfortable, especially since if it goes on for long enough (but it's not always), the person who wants the relationship could start to feel embittered and entitled to said relationship - or at least the "perks" that said relationship would provide.

So I agree with most others that it's probably best to not try to continue to be "best friends" with him, as that could be a signal to him that you're a traffic light on red and he just has to wait/push long enough and you'll go green. You don't have to drop him as a friend entirely, but I'd only hang out with him if it's going to be a group get together.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

So I told him that I won't go, take his brother. HIs reply was "Ok...I guess." So I guess it's win-win for me. *snip*

Definitely!

[Seshat]

I've dealt with it before and it can get way uncomfortable, especially since if it goes on for long enough (but it's not always), the person who wants the relationship could start to feel embittered and entitled to said relationship - or at least the "perks" that said relationship would provide.

And if the embittered person is also poorly connected to reality; they can become a stalker or worse.

Now, I'm not saying this particular one is. I can't - all I know is what's been said in this thread. But it's a safety issue: don't allow this sort of situation to develop. Really don't.

[depechemodefan]

Welp, he started to whing on Fri "what if my brother doesn't want to go?" So Sat. I called him to make sure that his brother was going-if he wasn't I would go. So luckily his brother did go.

Back on Friday he texted me, "I'm coming by your house to pay you now," at 9:30am. Since the day before he said he was coming after work, I was pissed. I didn't get a chance to clean, and also he wanted to borrow some binoculars, which I wasn't planning to look for before the afternoon. He didn't make it clear that he wasn't just stopping by, that he was going to stay because "My tummy hurts, I need to lay down." I thought he was going to lay down and go back to work, but he stayed all day (he did give me money to buy lunch, though I wanted to go out to eat) then was going to stay the night. He said he wanted to sleep in my bed with me. I tell him only the cats stay in my bed. So like 8pm he tells me he is going to spend the night but I wasn't ready so here I am trying to fix a room and he wanted to know if he should pause the movie. I would have had time during the day to fix a room if I knew he was staying.

Finally at midnight, after I went to bed, he open my door to tell me he was going home since he didn't know if his brother walked his dog.

At least, before he left, he pulled out a container of rocks I had in my truck that was too heavy for me.

[Gizmo]

Huh? He's trying to use your place as a crash space on his terms now??

Can I say get this guy out of your life completely. He takes far too many liberties and whilst I know you are trying not to be confrontational with this guy he's totally taking advantage of that.

Asking to sleep in your bed? The total and utter last straw for me personally.

[Flygon_Trainer]

Holy cow. Get rid of this guy before you start dating him again out of pity/comfort or whatever.

Stand up for yourself!

[MoonCat]

Wait, what???

He TOLD you he's going to stay the night. Nonononononono. He needs to ASK, and you need to feel free to say NO if you don't want him there. I lost track of how many times he took advantage of you just in that one day. Thank god he at least respected your refusal to let him sleep in your bed. Next time though? Maybe he won't.

Yes, it's nice that he moved that heavy box for you. But that kind of occasional favor shouldn't buy him the right to take over your life. I suggest that you have a talk with him and lay out some boundaries.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

Think of it as this way. Would you stand for it if he ate your food, washed his clothes at your place and asked to borrow your truck?

He's going to keep walking all over you until you tell him to stop.

Cut the contact.

[Andara Bledin]

I don't know about cutting all contact, but I would strongly suggest that you dial it down a whole lot of notches.

He's taking an awful lot of liberties and making an awful lot of decisions that should be yours to make. Unless you take a stand and back him down, he's going to keep creeping further into your life until you're a couple again.

^-.-^

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Uh, wow.

My boyfriend is not allowed to just say "Hey I'm staying the night" and I wouldn't even think of just making the decision of staying at his place for the night, hogging all his time, ruining what he was planning to do that day, all without any consideration of his opinion or wish on the matter.

Nonononononono. You need to be a bit more assertive. Immediately. He should not be able to just say "Hey I'm coming over now. Hey I'm staying the entire day because I have a stomach ache, and not go to work. Oh, I'm staying the night. I want to sleep in your bed... oh I can't? Well... damn that's what I wanted to do okay I'm leaving."

I have chills in my spine thinking that if you had let him sleep with you in your bed, he would've tried to make a move and initiate sex. I don't know him, but the entire situation was just creepy-tastic to me from my outsider point of view.

He's expecting the perks of a relationship even if you don't want the relationship, it's like he's pretending there is a relationship and ignoring any evidence to the contrary.

Please take a step back for a moment and look at the situation, if any of us came onto this board and was posting these kinds of scenarios and events... what would you advise us to do?

[Pixilated]

I sure wouldn't have been fixing him a room. Here's a blanket, here's a pillow, there's the floor -- make yourself comfortable.

Huh? He's trying to use your place as a crash space on his terms now??

Can I say get this guy out of your life completely. He takes far too many liberties and whilst I know you are trying not to be confrontational with this guy he's totally taking advantage of that.

Asking to sleep in your bed? The total and utter last straw for me personally.

That last one alone sent up a LOT of red flags. It's fairly obvious he was using "sleep" in this context as a euphemism.

I don't know about cutting all contact, but I would strongly suggest that you dial it down a whole lot of notches.

He's taking an awful lot of liberties and making an awful lot of decisions that should be yours to make. Unless you take a stand and back him down, he's going to keep creeping further into your life until you're a couple again.

^-.-^

This! At the point where he wanted to lie down, I would've offered to drive him home or call a cab. No, you can't lie down here; I'm busy. No, you can't stay the night; I'm busy. Aaand you want to sleep in my bed? Okay, end of the line. GTFO -- NOW.

He is definitely taking too many liberties, as Gizmo said. He is controlling far too much of what is happening in your home. I would seriously recommend cutting him off entirely -- if not for good, then for a good long while, until it sinks in that (1) the relationship is over, and (2) so is any chance at friendship until he fully understands and accepts (1).

Otherwise, one of these fine days he may ask to "lie down" and "spend the night" for yet another lame reason ... and just never leave.

[Seshat]

I'm thinking even worse things.

He's not respecting your right to say 'no' to anything else. What makes you think he's going to respect your right to say 'no' to sex?

And yes, I'm serious here. Kick him out. Of your life. Now.

[depechemodefan]

I have chills in my spine thinking that if you had let him sleep with you in your bed, he would've tried to make a move and initiate sex. I don't know him, but the entire situation was just creepy-tastic to me from my outsider point of view.

We have been on trips out of town recently (sci-fi convention, a trip to Austin/San Antonio, trip to New Orleans) where we share a King size bed and he keeps to his side.

He probably acts (staying over at someone's house all day, for ex) this way with family and friends who don't see a problem with that behavoir and it didn't occur to him it might be unwanted behavior. Or, putting this in another way, I go to his house and he will get me my drink and noms, so I don't need to get up. But I rather get my own drink and noms. And if I want to use his computer he will let me. But when he was over my house on Fri., he expected me to get up to get him soda and throw away of box of take out food. I was annoyed by that behavior, but it is something he would do if I was at his house (getting me soda or throw away my plate) so obviously we are not on the same page. And I'm not a good communicator since I usually sound angry when I try to explain things. Come to think of it, I think he has self-esteem issues (I know he has depression issues, though he takes meds for that) if he thinks putting up with some stuff I do is a good thing.

There are times he is there for me, like the time I needed somone to take me to the eye doctor (yes, I know, I could call a cab) or needed to move things. If I had something to do that day, I probably tell him "no, I'm busy." I just didn't like how he didn't think about getting on the same page as me.

He's also the guy who borrowed my truck a lot(though not recently) and never put gas in it.

If we could just be friends, he would be a good friend. I see how he treats other friends and he's a good friend. It's just he wants a relationship, acts like we can be friends

Another thing that drives me nuts is that I used to work at a library, and he would have me get books for him. Fine, not a problem. Then I quit the library. He's interrested in The Walking Dead, and I got interrested in it too. So after I left the library I started to read the graphic novels and let him read them too. He does turn them in on time. The problem for me is that I now have to drive 7 miles to the library to pick up the books when he lives half a mile from his library. He can easliy get copies instead of expecting me to get them. Granted, I was hoping a lightbulb would go off in his head, but of course not. So I should talk to him about this, that he should get them since it's more convienent for him.

Bottom line, you really don't know how many times I wish he was dead so I don't want to deal with him, which shows you how I don't know how to deal with him. Easy enough to tell him to go away, but how to stick to my guns if he doesn't go away? I don't have any other friends to be a wall against him, and I don't like my family members enough to ask for help.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

Time for you to be your own wall.

Edit: Ok I know that sounds harsh and I do apologize. It just sounds like this guy is making you a doormat and it sounds like you would rather have the friend to to tell him to leave you alone instead of doing it yourself.

While I can't speak for everyone here, we can give all the opinions and advice til we're blue in the face. In the end it's your choice on what to do with what you're given.

I know I'm not the best at giving advice or how I word it, but I do know that's what my family and friends would tell me if they wanna push me in the right direction.