Help me find a boyfriend for 2013!

[Misty]

I have decided that I do not want to be alone anymore; on December 31, 2013, I want to have someone special to kiss when the clock strikes midnight.

Last year I thought that if I was friendly and outgoing and kept a positive attitude, I would eventually find a guy. I belong to several Meetup groups and have met quite a few people, but I have yet to hit it off with anybody. I have also tried speed dating, but that hasn't worked either. Clearly, I need help.

I'd love it if anyone out there in a happy relationship could tell me the story of how you met our significant other. Also, any tips on what to try (and what not to try) would be greatly appreciated; I feel like I've wasted so much time on things that don't work I's really like to take a shortcut and try something with a higher success rate.

Oh, and it would probably help if I told you a little about myself. I'm 40, never married, no kids. I enjoy hiking, biking, swimming, traveling, action movies, and pub trivia. I don't smoke or do drugs, but I enjoy a good beer. I'm smart, creative, have a good sense of humor, love kids and animals (I'm a cat person), and animated shows (both kid and adult). Lastly, I enjoy writing and am trying to make a go as a comedy writer.

As for recent events in my life, I spent 4 years teaching English in Japan before moving back to the U.S.A. in August of 2011. I now live at home with my mom. When I first got home I held a really crappy job at a yogurt shop (I've written several posts about it). I now work part-time in a doctor's office and it's going really well, although I still don't make enough money to move out of my mom's house. I am actively searching for a job in New York; once I find one, I can start looking for my own place in the city.

In short, 2012 was a terrible year, and I'm trying to get back on track. While I have goals and ambition, at the moment I'm 40 years old, broke, and living with my mom. Not a lot to offer a potential mate, which is very discouraging. Is there any hope for me?

Thank you in advance for all your advice!*


*Unless your advice sucks, in which case thanks for nothing.

[Andara Bledin]

The only advice I have is that if you're trying to get into a relationship purely for the purpose of being in a relationship, it cannot end well.

^-.-^

[Pixilated]

I'm afraid I can't actually offer any tips as I am also a longtime single and also have no idea how to change that.

My question is this: how far is your mother's place from your wished-for place of residence? I'm just wondering, if you do find someone while living with your mother, how will that impact your intention to move to New York? Would you be willing to stay in your present community if your Significant Other doesn't want to go to New York? Would you be willing to give it up and go to New York and start your search again?

[Kheldarson]

My husband and I met through clubs in college (we were in the geek circle. The groups pretty much had the same core membership XD ). I...can't even tell you when we were formally introduced, or when we really started hanging out. I just know I had to have known him during my freshman year (heck, I've got pictures to prove it!), but I don't remember really hanging out with him. Frankly, I mostly remember hanging out a lot of my sophomore year with him and a couple other friends that made up our core circle.

I think I was first consciously aware of crushing on him right before the end of spring semester my sophomore year. But I had some other crushes going on at that time too that needed resolving (read: summer drama) which led to some awkward flirting when I got back to school.

Read: We played poking and tickle games, but I was hanging back because I didn't want to be rebounding on him, and he didn't know what type of game we were playing anyway.

Long story short, I asked him out fall semester my junior year. We've been together since.

Best advice: be friends. Don't worry about the dating relationship, that tends to fall its own way, one way or another.

[Jester]

I am 42 and single. Never married, once engaged. Dated many, though none recently. I too would like someone meaningful in my life, romantically speaking, though I have plenty of people in my life who are very meaningful to me in a non-romantic way.

My advice may not be what you are looking for, but as someone in a somewhat similar (though not exactly the same) situation as you, I feel I should offer it anyways.

And that is this: stop worrying about the relationship. It will or won't happen. Worrying about it, stressing about it, trying to find ways to make it happen, they will only make you more unhappy with your life, and will only add to your stress level. And as has been pointed out, actively angling for such a thing could very well backfire, and cause more heartache and trouble than it's worth.

Enjoy your life. Enjoy your friends. Focus on the positive in your life, and what you have, rather than the negative, and what you don't have.

You may ask who the hell I am to offer such advice. After all, I am a 40something who is single and hasn't had a meaningful date (or any date, really) in months. Who I am is someone who, despite that particular facet of my life, is very happy in my life. No, I haven't "resigned" myself to being single, although there are days where it feels like that. Rather, I have made a conscious choice to focus on the positive as much as possible, and as such, I am a very happy and positive person, often more so than many of my friends who are in meaningful relationships. An added bonus to this way of thinking is that happy people tend to attract happy people to them, even if I am not currently the most shining example of that.

In short, focus on the positive and the good in your life, and if something in the way of a relationship comes along, great--another positive! And if doesn't, don't dwell on it. This basic philosophy has brought me more smiles than tears, more satisfaction than stress, and more happiness than depression.

I don't offer you help for finding a boyfriend. I do, however, offer you help to finding a happier you. And who knows? The latter may end up helping with the former.

[Aislin]

My now fiancée was 50 when we met. Neither of us has been married, he was too busy living life to "settle down" and I have been engaged 4 times previously and always the runaway bride. How we found each other was thru a dating site and we clicked because we were both super honest about who we are and what we wanted. He loves to travel and doesn't want to have someone who is suspicious or envious if he has to go somewhere for work, as his field of work requires a lot of travel. I wanted someone who believes in me and my pursuit of my education and would stand by me while I finished my degree. People are interested in interesting people. You have lived and you just have to put yourself out there as friends first. Before I met my future husband I met people thru okcupid and other free social sites and met people with similar interests and beliefs. Be careful and don't judge a book by its cover. Take things slow and talk to lots of people. Group outing are great. My local area has a meet up group for practically any interest.

[sms001]

I can echo several of the sentiments expressed above. In no particular order:

To me, it sounds like you already have a great life; goal oriented, broad interests, self-aware. And there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to share that with being one of those goals. But there's a reason there are so many cliches and truisms about this situation ---they're true. If you are in a relationship, (wo)men come out of the woodwork. If you're not, the drought seems interminable. There's some rather rough young men's humor about the topic, but in general terms, actively looking makes people (of both sexes) seem needy. Not an attractive quality.

I met my wife thirty-three years ago while she went to school in my area when she came into a shop where I worked. We kept up an on-and-off platonic relationship (cards, occasional calls, very infrequent visits) over the next twenty plus years, finally marrying about twelve years ago. So, really, total coincidence, and neither of us "seeking."

Be honest. REALLY honest. Both with yourself in what you're looking for, and with them in what you expect. From the very start. If a friendship develops from there, proceed. If not, you waste less time.

BTW, "40, broke, living with mom" reads to me "Only 40, and lived a lot of it fully, moving up a job goals ladder (yogurt shop, office, writer...) and part of a non-dysfunctional family that can stand each other enough to live together."

[ShinyGreenApple]

Everyone else has given pretty good advice. And I'm also not really one with experience, since I'm 28 and single. Always been single. Had a very brief fling a few weeks ago but the guy balked (among other issues) and hasn't really contacted me since. Oh well, I say.

Just enjoy what life has to offer you as a single person, because you sure as hell aren't gonna be happy with anyone, I don't care if he could have been pulled from a Disney movie, if you aren't happy with yourself first. Wonderful people came into my life only after I was satisfied with what I was and what I had. True, none of them have stuck, but if you're wanting a relationship purely for the reason of having one/being in one, you will reek of desperation and there is nothing attractive about that at all, honey, I guarantee you. Much better to be alone than miserable with someone who isn't quite right for you.

I do feel ya, though. New Year's, I was once again kissing my dog on the nose at midnight. Sucks sometimes.

[trailerparkmedic]

Online. I met my husband through E-harmony. My sister has had good success with Plenty of Fish (though it's free so you have to wade through a lot of drama and booty calls) and Match.

Also, people can smell desperation. Don't be desperate. Just try to have fun and meet new people. Go to trivia night--if you don't have a group, start a new Meetup. Get involved in your local comedy scene. Do stuff you like, have a life and you'll be more interesting & not so desperate and it'll be much easier to find dates.

[Pixilated]

*snip*
I do feel ya, though. New Year's, I was once again kissing my dog on the nose at midnight. Sucks sometimes.

Same here, except in my case it was my cat ... when he woke up.

Online. I met my husband through E-harmony. My sister has had good success with Plenty of Fish (though it's free so you have to wade through a lot of drama and booty calls) and Match.

Also, people can smell desperation. Don't be desperate. Just try to have fun and meet new people. Go to trivia night--if you don't have a group, start a new Meetup. Get involved in your local comedy scene. Do stuff you like, have a life and you'll be more interesting & not so desperate and it'll be much easier to find dates.

Good advice!

And a friend of mine signed up with PoF ... she met some nice guys but yeah, there were also some ... characters. To be polite. At one point she was thinking of writing a book.

[malmalthekiller]

I met my boyfriend on Okcupid.

That was a site that never seemed serious, but yet, I found a pretty perfect guy on there.

The advice above was very good. You'll never find someone that's right for you if you can't be happy just by yourself.

Otherwise, when you meet the right person, you will know. Just getting out there (real life, virtually, doesn't matter) will help you cast a wider net.

[Jester]

To add to my earlier commentary, a little quote from one of my favorite movies, "Cool Runnings." Coach Irv Blitzer, played by the inimitable John Candy, mentoring his earnest bobsled driver: "Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."

Substitute "Misty" for "Derice" and "boyfriend" for "gold medal," and the meaning is just as true.

[RetailWorkhorse]

I met Flea-bit (AdvancedFlea) on... essentially a porn site. He writes pretty good erotica, considering it's fanfiction. I'm too Ace to really enjoy it in the conventional manner, but I enjoy a good plot to my smut. We clicked fairly early when we met, probably because we're both natural born flirts. We've been together doing the long distance thing for, man, years and years. We're comfortable with it.

[sms001]

I just wanted to throw in an addendum here, Misty, that I don't think your goal as stated sounds "desperate" or "needy." A year is a great baseline for establishing a new relationship, and your request was for positive feedback on how others succeeded.

Now had you said "I've GOT to have someone in my life by Valentines Day...."

[Andara Bledin]

I met both my ex and my current beau by just going out and doing things and hanging out with people.

The ex was a friend of a guy I met in school who read the same type of books I did.

The current beau I met at a gaming convention, and we were friends for 10 years (8 of which I was married) before we became a couple, which was 13 years ago.

The best way to find someone you mesh with is to put yourself "out there" in a position to meet people. Most of them wont' be worth remembering the next day, a few of them will become good friends, and a few of those will turn out to be relationship material.

^-.-^