In need of reassurance...

[auroravoldemort]

Hi all,

I know I'm not a particularly active member here, I'm mainly a lurker, but I was hoping that some of you may be able to reassure me that I'm not going completely crazy.

I have a problem with my "brain-to-mouth" filter, particularly first thing in the morning, so it would seem. I say something then immediately regret what I've said as soon as I've walked away. For example, the following conversation happened this morning on the way to work:

OM: Older Man
Me: Guess who?

OM: Excuse me, love, is that the charity shop over there? *Points to a building*
Me: I don't know, sorry. Oh and by the way, my name's NOT "Love" - it's kind of creepy for an old man to talk to a younger girl that way.

I felt really bad afterwards, after all, he was just asking an innocent question. I just really hate being called pet names like that by someone I don't know. This isn't the only time I've been deliberately antagonistic like that, and I feel so guilty and worry about what I've done for days afterwards. Of course, I also say things like this when faced with an antagonistic person as well, so it's not as if it just happens to the innocent. I just wish I could keep my trap shut sometimes!

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I could use either some reassurance or a kick up the backside.

Am I a horrible person? If so, is there anything I can do to make it "right"? Does anyone else suffer from this? How do you hold your tongue?

Thanks guys for your help.

[sms001]

It's pretty rare that I regret saying something to someone about something that bothers me - as OM's use of 'love' did to you. I will occasionally worry over the repercussions.

As far as reassurance or kick? Yeah, if you thought about it after and are using phrases like "innocent question" you probably need the kick. I don't know how to go about making the brain-to-mouth filter more stringent; if I did, there's a woman at work... You're in a particularly rough patch, as it seems you'd want to assess for the innocent and demur or for the antagonistic and let fly. I think I'd start with labeling everyone innocent until I'd thought it through and was sure my retort was warranted. You're not likely to become a doormat with just letting a few buttheads' comments slide.

Good luck!

[auroravoldemort]

Thanks sms, you've definitely given me the kick I needed! I know my post was basically a stream of consciousness so thanks for sticking with it and the advice.

I know I need to just keep my mouth shut sometimes, so I guess I just need to train myself to shut up sometimes. I feel like a horrid person anyway, so I hope in some way the man from my story will understand I feel sorry for upsetting him (if I did upset him).

All I can hope is that he has a thick skin and he doesn't let it affect him in the same way as I'd let a similar comment affect me. Or that I get the chance to apologise!

[KiaKat]

Count to three before saying anything, especially if it's during a problem time. Let the thought sit in your head and evaluate whether it's going to come across as bitchy, or if there's another way you can say it that wouldn't be so brusque.

In the example above, you could have said "Could you please not call me 'love?' I find it disturbing when strangers use pet names with me." That puts it on you, instead of on him, which tends to trigger an "oh no, I'm sorry" reaction in most normal people.

Any time you find yourself about to be critical of someone else, turn it around in that manner - show it as being YOUR problem, instead of theirs, and it'll disarm them (especially if you say it with a smile). You might even effect a bit of change in their attitude!

[Andara Bledin]

How quickly do you get yourself ready in the morning, and do you do anything mentally taxing prior to heading out?

It's possible that some parts of your brain are a little slower to kick into active mode after waking than others, and you just need a little mental stimulation before you go out into the great wide world.

^-.-^

[telecom_goddess]

I don't have an answer to this, but I tend to try and think things through before I actually say anything. It doesn't always work

As for the term "love" I though that was a general thing people did in the UK with everyone? That it was super casual ....

[Pixilated]

*snip*
In the example above, you could have said "Could you please not call me 'love?' I find it disturbing when strangers use pet names with me." That puts it on you, instead of on him, which tends to trigger an "oh no, I'm sorry" reaction in most normal people.
*snip*

This is a great way to handle it! Your request in itself is not "wrong" and you don't need to keep quiet about things like this that bother you. The problem is that the way you phrased it definitely sounds hostile and aggressive, and if the man was just using the word casually, he would certainly be taken aback by it.

However, you're not going crazy by any means. It's just a matter of learning the appropriate phrases. Practice in your head and then the next time it happens you will be better prepared.

Love your name, by the way!

[auntiem]

As for the term "love" I though that was a general thing people did in the UK with everyone? That it was super casual ....

That's what I thought too. I personally hate being called "honey" or "dear" - but it isn't always said because they meant to be insulting - it just comes out as a force of habit. But you mentioned that this was an older man so he may have thought "love" was a safer option to "miss" or "ma'am".

I have to say though that I did not react with grace to my first "ma'am"*. I did feel bad afterwards since the poor kid (late teens) was just trying to be polite like his mamma taught him and was mortified at my reaction.

OP - I just chalk things like this up to it is a risk you take asking a total stranger anything and you can't control or predict a stranger's reaction to anything.

*I greatly prefer "auntie". That doesn't seem to have the same age attachment.

[auroravoldemort]

As for the term "love" I though that was a general thing people did in the UK with everyone? That it was super casual ....

You're absolutely right, telecom_goddess - it just really irritates me for some reason, just in my opinion it's way too familiar for strangers to use it to other strangers. (Also: "sweetheart", "dearie" etc.)

It's possible that some parts of your brain are a little slower to kick into active mode after waking than others, and you just need a little mental stimulation before you go out into the great wide world.

Almost definitely the case Andara! I'll try playing a little DS or something before I leave in the morning, and see if it helps

Love your name, by the way!

Thanks, KiaKat

[auroravoldemort]

Thanks to everyone for your advice, by the way, it's actually becoming easier to train myself to bite my tongue now, so I'm a much happier Aurora at the moment.

So the next time something like that happens, I'll know how to react thanks to you guys

[Gizmo]

As for the term "love" I though that was a general thing people did in the UK with everyone? That it was super casual ....

It is casual but mostly very few people in my area that will use 'love' - It might be a regional thing though.

Personally I'd pull someone up on it if they did it to me. I also wouldn't take offense if someone asked me not to call them a pet name in the way done in the OP.

[lineswine]

You know, the term "love" has very little to do as a term of affection, more generally it is just a nicer way of saying "Oi, you!"
Having said that, if you don't like something, there's nothing wrong with saying so, politely - after all, you're asking for something, right?