Step-Parents/Bfs-Gfs Of Single Parents To Me

[blas]

This is kind of awkward or hard to explain, especially to make a thread title. What I'm really looking for is fellow members who are preferably childless (though it really doesn't matter that much, just in my situation, I have no children myself) dating someone who has children or has at least been married before, preferably children involved but doesn't necessarily have to be.

Does that make any sense? Probably not. I best start drinking. Anyone is welcome to chime in, I'm just really hoping I'm not the only one here in this situation.

So, for about the past 10 months (about 6 or 7 of those officially), I've been dating a guy my age who has two children with a woman he was married to (I can't remember how long, but it wasn't very long).

I've known this guy since before he was married or became a dad, since I was an older teen and he was about 20 or 21. When we both became single last year (he had just broken up with a girlfriend, I just ditched the whiney baby) we figured what the hell why not.

One of the biggest issues in our relationship, I feel, is that I'll never compare to his ex wife, and that she gets more attention from him than I do. I'm wondering if my mother is right and I just read into stuff too much, or if I'm right.

I don't mean on a physical level. It's not about who is the better looking of the two of us. I just mean, from knowing him so long and knowing their history so well, I know just about everything he ever did for her, bought her, etc etc. I've brought it up to him before, and he's argued that we haven't been together long enough for me to get upset over things like that, or that I'm just being paranoid and insecure.

I also know just about his entire history with his last gf (this would be the girl he dated after his divorce but before me), and what all he did and bought for her.

Please keep in mind, that I am a person who spoils myself, and am not the type of girl who expects to be spoiled or pampered, and I wouldn't consider myself materialistic or that selfish as far as what I expect from others.......BUT, and this is a big but, I do expect that if a person has done certain things for others they've been with, every relationship should be an upgrade. So, if he brought lunch to work for his ex wife or last gf, why wouldn't he do it for me? If he always opened doors for them, why not me? If he always cuddled with them when they wanted, why not me? Just throwing out examples here.

It just kind of irritates me that I know I've been left hanging while all he does is text back and forth with his ex.....he argues that they HAVE to stay in touch because of the kids, but I feel it's excessive. If he has them, and they are right next to us, the most she'd need to know is that they've been fed, changed, napping, whatever. Not an entire minute by minute update. If he goes that far to keep in touch with her, why do I go nearly an entire day without hearing from him when we aren't together?

I know he's what you would consider "damaged goods", meaning he comes with a lot of baggage and a lot of bad memories and bad experiences....but he's known me for years, knows I'm a great girl, knows I'd never do what's been done to him...yet I feel I get the damn short end of the stick from him. It just irritates me. And every time I bring it up to him, he just says that I haven't been in a long enough or serious relationship long enough before and that I'm being irrational and insecure.

[Treasure]

What you know of his previous relationships, as his friend is "Player knowledge"
using Player Knowledge inside the game (Relationship) is expressly frowned upon...

knowing and appreciating the little things is all well and good; but having the attitude of "I know what you did for the last one, and you should treat me better than her" is off-putting... and that could be part of why he's not making those little gestures - perhaps he's afraid they won't be appreciated, but instead taken for granted...

As far as the kids go, no he shouldn't be in constant contact with their mother, esp when the kids are with him (and you) as it is disrespectful to you... perhaps you need to say to him "I am trying really hard not to spazz out here, but I FEEL disrespected when you constantly communicate with Mother of kids, and ignore me...."

there is a difference between staying updated on the kids, and staying involved with her...

[PepperElf]

Does that make any sense?

Yes indeed it does. Not just the situation but what you want and fear.

It sounds like you're worried that she'll always come first and that you'll be the outsider.


Yes, he will always have a connection with her because of the kids... but that shouldn't be used as an excuse to shove you to the side either.

And I understand where you're going with the "upgrade" comments. It sounds like you want to know that you matter to him, that you want him to be considerate of you... vs ignoring you while he's busy paying attention to her.


I would suggest communication. It doesn't have to specifically be "why do you text her all the time" but perhaps talking about what you both expect in the relationship, and perhaps what limits you both want to set etc. Perhaps just saying that you're not expecting him to ignore her but that you want to be appreciated and not be treated like a third wheel etc.

[Dips]

This is what I would tell my daughter if she came to me about this...

No, you're not being paranoid. Constantly texting his ex when he's with you AND the kids are with him? Not OK.

Hell. It's not OK to be contstantly texting anyone else when you're socially engaged. It's just freaking rude. If I were dating someone who did that more than once during our date, there'd be no second date.

Who's initiating the texts? Is it his ex trying to get him back/get back at him? Or is it him?

If it's her, the fact that he's not putting a stop to it and following through tells you he's never going to stand up to her. He'll constantly let her cross those boundaries.

If it's him initiating the contact, he's not truly over her.

You deserve to be treated better than that.

[BroSCFischer]

knowing and appreciating the little things is all well and good; but having the attitude of "I know what you did for the last one, and you should treat me better than her" is off-putting... and that could be part of why he's not making those little gestures - perhaps he's afraid they won't be appreciated, but instead taken for granted...

<snip>

there is a difference between staying updated on the kids, and staying involved with her...

I would agree with everything here.

I've known this guy since before he was married or became a dad, since I was an older teen and he was about 20 or 21.

<snip>

but he's known me for years, knows I'm a great girl, knows I'd never do what's been done to him...yet I feel I get the damn short end of the stick from him. It just irritates me. And every time I bring it up to him, he just says that I haven't been in a long enough or serious relationship long enough before and that I'm being irrational and insecure.

OK, this may be part of the problem. You and he have quite a bit of history yourselves, and maybe he feels that while the relationship itself is somewhat new, having known you for as long as he has means that certain things he did in brand new relationships don't apply.

I think what really needs to happen is to communicate properly. As Treasure has already suggested, you need to quit making it a contest (you did x for her, why haven't you done it for me). The type of relationship you both have is DIFFERENT than those other ones. Ask yourself, do YOU do everything you did in previous relationships?

You need to let him know that you understand the need to be in contact with his ex, but you feel that its become so prevalent that you are being neglected.

SC

[blas]

I'm no angel with my phone, either. But then again, that's what I get for breaking my own rule and getting a smart phone being a dumb person

I've brought it up to him before, and he's done the usual guy thing, which is to say "But I'm with you" (yada yada yada) "You have nothing to worry about" (yada yada yada) "If I wanted to be with her, I wouldn't have filed for divorce from her" (yada yada yada)

We're not lacking in words, but we are certainly lacking in actions. That's for sure.

[Dips]

It's OK, hun. Relationships aren't easy. And, well, I'm an old fuddy-duddy about cell phones and texting.

But it's still not cool to be constantly texting your ex in front of your current girlfriend. Even if they have kids together. He can set aside time to talk to her about them when you're not there. [The obvious exception being a true emergency, of course.]

If you really have feelings about this guy and want to see the relationship grow, the key is to tell him how it makes you feel when he ignores you to text his ex.

If he keeps doing it after you've told him, you can refuse to be left hanging.

"Hey, hun. I see this isn't good time for us to hang out right now. Gimme a call later and we can get together when you're not so busy. I love you!"

Be as nice as you can about it. No anger. No drama. No flouncing. Save that for when you're in the car if he's actually stupid enough to let you walk out the door.

But I hope he's not stupid enough to let you walk out the door.

[BlaqueKatt]

I've brought it up to him before, and he's argued that we haven't been together long enough for me to get upset over things like that, or that I'm just being paranoid and insecure<snip> It just irritates me. And every time I bring it up to him, he just says that I haven't been in a long enough or serious relationship long enough before and that I'm being irrational and insecure.

This to me is a huge red flag, he's 100% dismissing your valid feelings, to me he may as well be rolling his eyes and adding *sigh* women at the end of it.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Read this article, please.

[blas]

I wouldn't go quite that far.

I've dismissed valid feelings before. My last boyfriend, the whiner, used to constantly whine that I didn't care or spend enough time with him, but that was because he was an overly attached very insecure little manbaby who couldn't understand that in a healthy relationship, everyone has their own hobbies.

Yeah, took people's advice last year and instead of looks and "stage presence", went for more of a quiet geek....and that was almost worse than dating a jerk, because he was the martyr "nice guy" in disguise.

Went back to what I was used to, but with a bit more baggage, just because I figured if I kept making rules the rest of my life, it would really limit my choices (like no kids, no previous marriages, etc etc), and wow, wouldn't you know it, now I got one that's probably just so happy he's dating an easy-going type of gal that makes her own way, he probabyl doesn't feel he needs to do anything special because I'm not demanding like the others.

[Greenday]

now I got one that's probably just so happy he's dating an easy-going type of gal that makes her own way, he probabyl doesn't feel he needs to do anything special because I'm not demanding like the others.

Sounds like a possibility. You aren't high maintenance, so clearly he doesn't need to put much effort in.

Still sounds like he's hooked on his ex-wife. I don't know anyone who has to have constant updates on their kids like that, even if they HATE their ex.

Why'd he divorce her out of curiosity?

[blas]

He got the ball rolling on the divorce because she lied too much (of what, I'm not sure, he didn't elaborate) and I know they fought nearly all the time.

[Pixilated]

Nothing to add, just want to say I agree with the advice already given:
1) Don't compare what he's done for others with what's going on in your relationship now. It makes it sound as if you're keeping score (when does he know whether he's "won"?)

2) He definitely does not need to be in constant contact with his ex -- especially not when the two of you are out together. (Just out of curiosity, do you know if he's a textaholic in general -- one of those people who would need major surgery to separate them from their electronic gadgetry? Or does he only ever seem to be texting his ex?) Dips had great advice there; smile, say you'll see him when he's not so busy, and leave. That will give you a barometer reading as to what is going on and whether this relationship is worth working on. Hopefully he'll smarten up -- but if not, better to find out now than before you invest a lot of time and effort.

[taxguykarl]

Everyone has baggage: Some have carry-ons, some have steamer trunks, but most something in betweem.

[blas]

He's a little worse than I am when it comes to being addicted to FB and texting people.