So he turned out to be a sex offender. . .

[Victory Sabre]

I'm sure your logical part of your brain realizes that we aren't all "creepers" like your ex. However, your emotional part can't get over it. It'll take time to recover from this waste of oxygen. I don't get BDSM type stuff. When ever a miracle happens, and I'm with a woman, I treat her in a tender way. I just can't see how it is a turn on, but accept that it is. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned.

Take some time off from dating. Talk to someone who can help you recover from the time you spent with the waste of O2.

[Seshat]

Victory Sabre: your reaction to BDSM is just fine; don't feel 'old fashioned' about it. 'I accept it's a turn on for some people' is plenty - heck, I don't get how some people find the feel of rubber to be a turn-on, and it's common. Or high heeled (ouch) shoes.


Shiny Green Apple:
I agree with everyone else. His actions are not your responsibility.
I can also understand you feeling .. whatever it is you're feeling. I don't want to put a label on it, in case I put the wrong one on.

Emotions simply ARE. They're not 'right' or 'wrong'. You will feel strongly about this, and probably feel a lot of different emotions over the course of time.

But please, please, pay attention to your self-talk. To what you tell yourself about your relationship with him.
Tell yourself helpful things.

Not 'I should have known' - because you're not a forensic psychologist with experience in pedophilia! How could you have known?
Instead, try 'I stopped the relationship as soon as I found out, good for me' (or whatever is true)


As for seeing all guys as potential creepers ... well. I kinda do too. History of bad experiences, and my brain being always in 'anxiety' mode doesn't help.

What I do is remind myself that all humans are potential creeps - myself included.
The cute little girl who looks like Shirley Temple in a wheelchair with a smile like the sun coming up might have a secret habit of <insert something suitably gruesome>. The old guy in a worn-out coat sitting on a park bench and shaking might be a Parkinson's sufferer who regularly donates time and money to a soup kitchen.

Until I actually gather my courage and interact with them, I can't tell which person is going to enrich my life, and which is going to be toxic to me. Or somewhere in the middle.
Sometimes it helps.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Well I've finally started letting myself off the hook on the pedo issue. He did have a social group at work (I wont' say 'friends' because he wasn't really with them a lot outside work. It was incredibly difficult to coax him into public outings, I never could).

But I'm wondering why no one spotted 'sociopath'. I'm looking at their characteristics and he fits almost ALL of them. Looking back, I do realize, this man had almost no emotions. If I tell Needy or Biscuit or anyone else about my horrible day, they'll sympathize, maybe give me a hug, etc. If I told him, he'd just go "Okay. . .?" He also didn't understand why I felt he had to respect what I did or didn't want him to do to me because it was my damn body. He'd always try putting his finger in my ass and couldn't understand that I wouldn't let him simply because I don't WANT anything in there. He also once tried getting me to flake out on a work party that my department had been planning for months because he was 'lonely'. When he realized I was going whether he came with me or not, he announced that he was going to see a movie. By himself. A movie I'd very much been wanting to see but hadn't.

Ah well. At least I know what to watch out for now!

[Seraph]

But I'm wondering why no one spotted 'sociopath'.

Because people don't go through life, and analyze everyone's actions against this sort of stuff. (Unless you're Paranoid Parrot or something) It's not typical, stop blaming yourself. You still are, I can tell. /bonks gently

Look, you couldn't have known, he obviously did a bang-up job of concealing it. It'll take time to get over it...but...don't blame yourself at all.

/big hugs

[SilverOrb]

I feel kind of helpless, I guess, but like everyone keeps telling me "You didn't know." People who encouraged me to 'go for it' with him feel badly, but how could they know? His own roommate was oblivious to what he really was. But still . . . looking back now and remembering some of the creepy things he said, the signs I should have picked up on . . .

Sadly, I have been somewhat in this situation. A guy I loved, cared about, turned out to be lying through his teeth. I viewed all guys as lying bastards for a long time.

Looking back now... There were signs as well. Signs I beat myself up over for a long time. Until it hit me... It wasn't my fault! It was his. His alone. I'd been through enough... I didn't need to claim ownership for him as well.

It's so easy to look back and say "I should have known." Time and wounds color our memories, and KNOWING the truth now gives you knowledge to interpret events in a new light.

You didn't have all the facts... Don't let having them now put any burden on you, either in the past or the future.

[sms001]

And just a quick reminder prompted by SilverOrb's "I viewed all guys as lying bastards for a long time." You don't want to be that person who takes it past "a long time." The only way to not get fooled (these people are often very experienced liars) is to be very cynical and put everyone under a microscope, and that sucks the joy outta just about everything. So it's probably best that you were fooled, and leaving yourself open to maybe get fooled again is still probably a better life than putting up the kind of walls it takes to prevent it.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Oh I know, like I said, I can't tar all people with the same brush, which is kind of how I ended up with him in the first place. I just know from now on that if I get the "You know, Shiny, this will probably be really weird" feeling, to TRUST it. But again, he was very attractive and could be very charming and make you feel sorry for him when he wanted to. So I figured I'd give it a go. He was in the store last Friday. My friend said he heard her talking to a friend and turned around and smiled at her. That is creepy If I'd been arrested at my place of work, charged with pedophilia that I admitted to, I would not be back in there a week later, trying to chat up my ex co-workers.

I still plan to date, I just won't be hopping in bed with people so fast anymore, no matter how much we both might want to. I dunno . . . I just seem to attract weirdos. And the ones I really like either see me as a little sister or they turn out to be gay or bisexual and involved with another man.

I have a friend online that I've known for over ten years who has expressed interest in me, but there's almost 3,000 miles between us and it sucks. Ah well, fish in the sea, I suppose.

[Victory Sabre]

I still plan to date, I just won't be hopping in bed with people so fast anymore, no matter how much we both might want to. I dunno . . . I just seem to attract weirdos. And the ones I really like either see me as a little sister or they turn out to be gay or bisexual and involved with another man.

I think that's a good idea. Besides, things are better when you know the person, and are comfortable with them.

[RayvenQ]

Oh I know, like I said, I can't tar all people with the same brush, which is kind of how I ended up with him in the first place. I just know from now on that if I get the "You know, Shiny, this will probably be really weird" feeling, to TRUST it. But again, he was very attractive and could be very charming and make you feel sorry for him when he wanted to. So I figured I'd give it a go. He was in the store last Friday. My friend said he heard her talking to a friend and turned around and smiled at her. That is creepy If I'd been arrested at my place of work, charged with pedophilia that I admitted to, I would not be back in there a week later, trying to chat up my ex co-workers.

Always, always, always, trust and go with your gut feelings. sure, you might let someone down or hurt their feelings a little, but decent guys will understand, and if a guy bitches at you for it? He's an asshole and not worthy of your time or trust.

More than once, I've told a friend online who i have met up in person to trust their gut and if they get funny or bad feelings or vibes when we meet, call it off immediately. Thankfully that hasn't happened, but I'd be entirely understanding if they did. Infact, I'd be more mad with them if they did get a bad feeling or vibe with me but decided not to call it off than if they did.

Well I've finally started letting myself off the hook on the pedo issue.

Good, because it's a hook you shouldn't have to be on, you did nothing wrong, the fault is ENTIRELY on that sack of...well, what I'd call him is to blue for this forum.

I can sort of relate though, because one of my former neighbours turned out to be a pedo, and even abused young boys in his flat which is not more than 25 meters away from me, when I found out about that,I was angry with him, and upset with myself because if I'd have known what was going on I could have put a stop to it.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Aaaahhhhh, gods, guys, he's been in the store every Friday night for the past two weeks! Fortunately I haven't seen him, but my best friend has and she's been able to warn me ahead of time both times. Tonight apparently was really close, when I caught up to her on the way out the door, she whispered "Don't look around. Just keep walking, just keep walking, justkeepwalking!" She texted me an explanation and I jogged to my truck to wait for her.

I've been lucky, but what the hell am I supposed to do if this thing sees me and tries to engage in conversation? Needy says both times he's just made a creepy face at her, with the smile that's a little too big and a raise of the eyebrows. In all honesty I don't think he'd try to be super friendly with me, but at the same time, everyone knows what he did and I don't want to be seen anywhere NEAR him or have people think I associate with this thing. I also don't want to piss him off in case my suspicions of him being a sociopath on top of a pedophile are true.

[Gizmo]

Just say "hi" like you would to a casual passing contact (you recognise the face but never talk to them really) and them move on. No need to engage any more than that!

[Seshat]

If he follows or tries to make more of a conversation than you are comfortable with - like, any conversation at all - keep walking. And walk towards people. Walk towards potential help.

Also, don't worry about trying to be polite. Tell him you don't want to talk.

One piece of advice: if someone is pushing beyond what you're willing to bear, lift both hands in front of you, palms out, shoulder height. Loudly - loudly enough to make a scene - say or shout "NO!"

You now have witnesses, and your arms are up in a defensive position. If you can, get your feet shoulder width apart, knees lightly flexed, as well. That means your entire body is ready to act.

[Zellie Crescent]

If were you I wouldn't talk to him at all, if he does come up to you ignore him and pass him off to someone else.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Somewhat happy update . . .

He is in prison until November of '14. Looking at case details, it looks like his own parents wanted nothing to do with this and he was assigned a guardian ad litem. Odd. Either way, I don't have to worry about running into him in a dark parking lot anytime soon He is also prohibited from using social media and having unsupervised contact with minors.

Satisfaction and relief, that's about all I can say.

[Jester]

Well I've finally started letting myself off the hook on the pedo issue.

As you should. It is far too easy to blame ourselves for the actions of others, especially if those others are people we've been involved with. But you have to remember that you knew nothing about this, not only because it is something you wouldn't think someone you were involved with would be doing, but because it is something people like this go out of their way to hide. And oftentimes they are very successful at hiding it, even from those closest to them. Serial killers make an art of it (John Wayne Gacy, Dennis Rader, and Gary Ridgway were excellent examples of this) but a similar mindset is necessary for a pedophile to go about their daily lives undetected. So it's not just that you didn't see it because you weren't looking for it, but because he was actively hiding it from you and everyone else.

But I'm wondering why no one spotted 'sociopath'. I'm looking at their characteristics and he fits almost ALL of them.

As I noted above, sociopaths go out of their way to fit in and hide many of their sociopathic characteristics. I don't just speak clinically, but from personal experience; several years ago I was involved with That Vile Woman, who was a conniving, manipulative, sociopathic con artist. And NO ONE saw it initially, least of all me. She came off as just this cute little sweet Southern girl, for the very simple reason that it was the image she chose to project. But she used people and twisted things to benefit herself in various ways, including (but not limited to) stealing and embezzling. Not all of the benefits were financial, though. Some were for her own purposes. For example--and I'm not sure how she thought this helped her, but apparently she did--she had at least a couple people, and presumably more than that, believing that I was physically abusing her. Me, the guy who's never raised his hand against any woman in my life (other than my sisters). But she was convincing enough to make people who didn't know me that well believe it.

Ah well. At least I know what to watch out for now!

No. No you don't. Well, you know what to look for in wackos like this guy. But you won't see it, because the next guy like him will hide it as much as he can. Or he will be a different kind of wacko, with traits you're not expecting. Or you will meet someone with characteristics like this guy, but who isn't a psycho.

My point is not that you should not be paying attention. You should, and you should be on guard against such people. But understand that a lot of times, you just won't see it, and that is not your fault or in any way a negative about you. It is just a testament to how well these people can hide among us. And while you should certainly be vigilant, and use this experience as a learning experience, don't make it gospel that anyone who displays traits similar to this guy is the same as this guy. Use this learning experience to be on guard, certainly, but don't let it jade you against everyone or even most people. One of the things I am grateful for from my experience with That Vile Woman is that it happened to me in my late thirties, so I had some experience under my belt, and didn't let her jade me against women in general, as may have been the case had I had such an experience in my teens, when I was not as familiar with women and people as I would be later.

I hope this all makes sense...it was written over a few hours of restless insomnia early this morning, between dozing and watching tv. So it may be a little random or wandering. Or not. Anyway, that's all I have to say on the subject right now!