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I run, produce, and edit for a small time scifi magazine. We're still in the early stages, and deal mostly with locals. However, we recently did an advertizing blitz, and have been getting a lot more submissions. Many from people who can't seem to READ THE GUIDELINES. As well we get some weird ones...
The subject line was fine, but then I open it and find this:
Greetings, Great One!
Please allow me to state the obvious and then let me confess my sins. This cover letter will take a brief moment of your precious time, but, it will allow me to persuade you to see the world as it should and can be for us.
I am the greatest writer in the world. My credits are much to be admired and envied by many professionals. From 1989 to 2004, I worked in the sound FX department at Industrial Light & Magic. This work proved to be rather dull and simple. So, I then went to work for Warner Brothers Books in 2005, and was editor of their children’s list. My own publishing credits include 2,000 magazine stories and articles. Also, I won many prestigious awards. Before you dismiss this letter as an ego trip and a boast of my own accomplishments, I must say to you: Just kidding! Now that I have confessed the sins of my ways, allow me to introduce the real me.
I have sold over 70 different works to magazines. I have written about submarine radio communications to science fiction. My works appeared in: Enigma, Poetry Motel, The Storyteller, Short Stories Bimonthly, Write On, The SubCommittee Report, Vignettes, Mausoleum and other publications. My poetry and photos have been published here as well.
I look forward to hearing from you. I know you have a difficult job, and you can’t accept everything good that comes your way.
Sincerely,
******
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I put this here because he wasn't sucky, just dumb. Luckily his submission violated our submission guidelines for residency so I didn't have to really respond, but who told him that was a good idea to send!
The subject line was fine, but then I open it and find this:
Greetings, Great One!
Please allow me to state the obvious and then let me confess my sins. This cover letter will take a brief moment of your precious time, but, it will allow me to persuade you to see the world as it should and can be for us.
I am the greatest writer in the world. My credits are much to be admired and envied by many professionals. From 1989 to 2004, I worked in the sound FX department at Industrial Light & Magic. This work proved to be rather dull and simple. So, I then went to work for Warner Brothers Books in 2005, and was editor of their children’s list. My own publishing credits include 2,000 magazine stories and articles. Also, I won many prestigious awards. Before you dismiss this letter as an ego trip and a boast of my own accomplishments, I must say to you: Just kidding! Now that I have confessed the sins of my ways, allow me to introduce the real me.
I have sold over 70 different works to magazines. I have written about submarine radio communications to science fiction. My works appeared in: Enigma, Poetry Motel, The Storyteller, Short Stories Bimonthly, Write On, The SubCommittee Report, Vignettes, Mausoleum and other publications. My poetry and photos have been published here as well.
I look forward to hearing from you. I know you have a difficult job, and you can’t accept everything good that comes your way.
Sincerely,
******
------
I put this here because he wasn't sucky, just dumb. Luckily his submission violated our submission guidelines for residency so I didn't have to really respond, but who told him that was a good idea to send!
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