Obvious questions only an idiot would ask

[BowserKoopa1]

A customer is staring right at a huge cardboard setup that says we have a special fighting event showing on the big screen which is normally shown on tv.
Stupid Question #1
C: Excuse me, are you guys showing this fight at your theatre?
Me: Um, yes.

Everyone in the whole wide world (ok maybe not everyone) knows to buy tickets at the box office. I am standing at the ticket drop tearing tickets.
Stupid Question #2
C: Hey, do we buy tickets from you?
Me: From the box office outside, sir.
He goes out, buys tickets, then comes back inside. He forgets his tickets.
C: Ooops, guess I need my ticket to get in huh? (he laughs like he thinks he's being funny)
Me (putting a big smile on my face and trying to not give him a look like he's stupid) Yes, that'd help.

Where else do you think you would go to buy food in a movie theatre? I am standing in front of my register waiting for people to come in and buy some food. A customer walks right up to me.
Stupid Question #3
C: Can I buy food here?
Me (what I wanted to say): No, you may not. You are forbidden from spending any more money at our theatre today. We don't want to make a profit. Now go away.
Me: Yes you can. What can I get for you?
Customer looks for a few seconds at the board.
C: I don't think I'll buy anything today.
Me:

[Merriweather]

A customer is staring right at a huge cardboard setup that says we have a special fighting event showing on the big screen which is normally shown on tv.
Stupid Question #1
C: Excuse me, are you guys showing this fight at your theatre?
Me: Um, yes.

Everyone in the whole wide world (ok maybe not everyone) knows to buy tickets at the box office. I am standing at the ticket drop tearing tickets.
Stupid Question #2
C: Hey, do we buy tickets from you?
Me: From the box office outside, sir.
He goes out, buys tickets, then comes back inside. He forgets his tickets.
C: Ooops, guess I need my ticket to get in huh? (he laughs like he thinks he's being funny)
Me (putting a big smile on my face and trying to not give him a look like he's stupid) Yes, that'd help.

Where else do you think you would go to buy food in a movie theatre? I am standing in front of my register waiting for people to come in and buy some food. A customer walks right up to me.
Stupid Question #3
C: Can I buy food here?
Me (what I wanted to say): No, you may not. You are forbidden from spending any more money at our theatre today. We don't want to make a profit. Now go away.
Me: Yes you can. What can I get for you?
Customer looks for a few seconds at the board.
C: I don't think I'll buy anything today.
Me:

Your whole post made me keep thinking of Mad magazine, they used to do a thing called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". Similar questions to what you're getting, and some quite good smart-arsed answers we all wish we could say.

[BowserKoopa1]

Your whole post made me keep thinking of Mad magazine, they used to do a thing called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". Similar questions to what you're getting, and some quite good smart-arsed answers we all wish we could say.

I've been subscribing to them for almost 20 years now! That part always makes me LMAO.
A few times in the past I would have people come up to my register and ask me if I was open, and I would reply, "No, I just get to stand here and do nothing." Other snappy answers I could've given.... "No, I'm a spy from another store in disguise." "Yes I am, but I don't want to serve a moron like you." "No, I'm on my break, but I like to stand here and pretend I'm open anyway. "

[Ironclad Alibi]

This scenario just popped into my head, so I feel I must share it with everyone.

Customer: Are you open?

Clerk: Am I open? <blushes, quickly turns away, and ziiiip.)

[Zoom]

SC: Are you open?

Answer #1: No, the surgeon closed me up.
#2: I'm 'opin' you'll go away.
#3: (opens mouth and says) AAAAHHHHH!!!!
#4: I'm Zoom, how may I help?
#5: I'm sorry, but yes.
#6: Nope, (wait for SC to start turning away) just the register.
#7: Well, the belt is moving, the light is on, and the CLOSED sign has been taken down, so... Nope, still can't tell.
#8: Yes! Yes! I open much very feeling today! I get out of bed, putting my shoes on both feet, and say to the bus stop, "It is open to my feeling much very!" And I am to serve you here while being open! I love this country!
#9: No, I am O. Henry.
#10: We're open until midnight.
#11: Hi there! (changes voice) Welcome to Zombo Com! Here you can do anything... anything...

[Food Lady]

"Are you open?" "Open to what?"