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OK, as many of you know from my signature and my posts, I am engaged, and a teenager.
For valentines day, I bought my fiance an engagement ring. Her gift to me, in addition to chocolates, was that we could go public about our engagement, which we've been keeping secret since December. Now, for the record, I rebel against my parents all the time, I resent that they still feel they have a right to tell me what to do when I'm months away from moving out and being legally my own person, I cheat them, I deceive them, and I bend the truth almost to the breaking point, but that's it, almost. I hate outright lying to them, and it's been a real pain in my ass keeping this a secret without doing just that.
Based on how they had each been acting, we expected her parents to handle it well and respect that we were willing to talk to them over this weekend when we had time to sit down and discuss it openly, while we expected my mother to go ballistic.
When we announced to my parents, as expected, Dad sat off to the side and laughed, and mom started honing in on us, but she was far more civil and respectful than I had ever hoped.
When we told hers, they seemed very calm, respectful, and OK with it, and I thought that they had taken it well. I went home for the night happy.
When I got into school this mourning, I found my finace crying. Apparently, once I had left, her parents had called her into their room, and had started giving her about twelve simultaneous lectures about how she should have come to them first, how it was too soon, and all that. Now, for one thing, anything they can say to her, they can say in front of me, and in fact, if she is being attacked (as she was by the end of it), it's kinda my job to protect her. Foul one: Waiting for me to leave. If you don't want me to consider you evil manipulative, crazy asswipes, then don't perform the actions that would make me think that, jerkwad, don't simply covering it up by making yourself look calm until I leave.
Now, the argument escalated, and when she told them that we have no intention of getting married until at least two years from now, after we've been living together a while, they flipped out. Apparently they were surprised that a teenage girl wouldn't want to live with her parents all the way through college, and that caused them to go postal. Foul Two: If you claim to be the 'cool parents', who know that teenagers are teenagers, and how they're likely to feel about things, then don't be surprised when your daughter tells you she'd rather live with her fiance than with you once the two of them can get the money together to rent an apartment. Foul Three: Do not scream, at 11:00 at night, loud enough to wake everyone in a five block radius "GET OUT!" simply because you've run out of logical arguments to make and need more time to think. Foul Four: Do not then wake your daughter, who has just finished crying herself to sleep, up at 12:30 AM because you've finally figured out more ammunition to use on her.
So guess what happened? That's right, they did it. They woke her up and continued bitching her out. It very quickly stopped being a reasonable debate, and after that it quickly ceased to be a logical, reasonable lecture. It quickly became a game of scream at your daughter for an hour about how bad a kid she is, despite the fact that her younger brother gives you more trouble on an average day than she's given you in her worst year. They continued this way for another hour. Foul five: I don't care how upset you are, there is no excuse to call your own daughter "white trailer trash", or to let your husband call her worse such names. Foul Six: If you are going to have a 'I'm a cool parent you can come to about anything' policy, then when your daughter tries to be responsible and tell you about a big decision like this, it typically isn't a good idea to try to explain to them that their fiance isn't good enough to join your family. Tends to take away from their trust in you, and their faith in said policy.
Now, finally they've gotten calmed down enough to let her go to sleep. They leave, and, before she goes to school today, they tell her. "Don't tell Shards about this." That's right, foul number one all the f
over again, also, Foul Seven: If you would yell at your daughter for lying to you about something because she understated it to such a degree that it deceived you, then asking her to do the same to her fiance does not seem to show that you have her best interests at heart. It sounds more like you are concerned with how he sees you, and therefore don't care if you ask your daughter to do something that does not sound emotionally healthy at all, just as long as nobody sees you for the manipulative, evil, obnoxious, overbearing, idiotic, weak-willed little son-of-a-bitch you are.
When she finished telling me this, I really just wanted to punch one of them in the face. Fortunately for them, she was having enough of a breakdown that she needed me there, and hurting them wasn't going to help her with the immediate problem. For the record, if she hadn't needed me there, I probably would have cut school to go and put a nice fist sized dent in her father's car, and three to go along with it in his face, minimum.
For valentines day, I bought my fiance an engagement ring. Her gift to me, in addition to chocolates, was that we could go public about our engagement, which we've been keeping secret since December. Now, for the record, I rebel against my parents all the time, I resent that they still feel they have a right to tell me what to do when I'm months away from moving out and being legally my own person, I cheat them, I deceive them, and I bend the truth almost to the breaking point, but that's it, almost. I hate outright lying to them, and it's been a real pain in my ass keeping this a secret without doing just that.
Based on how they had each been acting, we expected her parents to handle it well and respect that we were willing to talk to them over this weekend when we had time to sit down and discuss it openly, while we expected my mother to go ballistic.
When we announced to my parents, as expected, Dad sat off to the side and laughed, and mom started honing in on us, but she was far more civil and respectful than I had ever hoped.
When we told hers, they seemed very calm, respectful, and OK with it, and I thought that they had taken it well. I went home for the night happy.
When I got into school this mourning, I found my finace crying. Apparently, once I had left, her parents had called her into their room, and had started giving her about twelve simultaneous lectures about how she should have come to them first, how it was too soon, and all that. Now, for one thing, anything they can say to her, they can say in front of me, and in fact, if she is being attacked (as she was by the end of it), it's kinda my job to protect her. Foul one: Waiting for me to leave. If you don't want me to consider you evil manipulative, crazy asswipes, then don't perform the actions that would make me think that, jerkwad, don't simply covering it up by making yourself look calm until I leave.
Now, the argument escalated, and when she told them that we have no intention of getting married until at least two years from now, after we've been living together a while, they flipped out. Apparently they were surprised that a teenage girl wouldn't want to live with her parents all the way through college, and that caused them to go postal. Foul Two: If you claim to be the 'cool parents', who know that teenagers are teenagers, and how they're likely to feel about things, then don't be surprised when your daughter tells you she'd rather live with her fiance than with you once the two of them can get the money together to rent an apartment. Foul Three: Do not scream, at 11:00 at night, loud enough to wake everyone in a five block radius "GET OUT!" simply because you've run out of logical arguments to make and need more time to think. Foul Four: Do not then wake your daughter, who has just finished crying herself to sleep, up at 12:30 AM because you've finally figured out more ammunition to use on her.
So guess what happened? That's right, they did it. They woke her up and continued bitching her out. It very quickly stopped being a reasonable debate, and after that it quickly ceased to be a logical, reasonable lecture. It quickly became a game of scream at your daughter for an hour about how bad a kid she is, despite the fact that her younger brother gives you more trouble on an average day than she's given you in her worst year. They continued this way for another hour. Foul five: I don't care how upset you are, there is no excuse to call your own daughter "white trailer trash", or to let your husband call her worse such names. Foul Six: If you are going to have a 'I'm a cool parent you can come to about anything' policy, then when your daughter tries to be responsible and tell you about a big decision like this, it typically isn't a good idea to try to explain to them that their fiance isn't good enough to join your family. Tends to take away from their trust in you, and their faith in said policy.
Now, finally they've gotten calmed down enough to let her go to sleep. They leave, and, before she goes to school today, they tell her. "Don't tell Shards about this." That's right, foul number one all the f
over again, also, Foul Seven: If you would yell at your daughter for lying to you about something because she understated it to such a degree that it deceived you, then asking her to do the same to her fiance does not seem to show that you have her best interests at heart. It sounds more like you are concerned with how he sees you, and therefore don't care if you ask your daughter to do something that does not sound emotionally healthy at all, just as long as nobody sees you for the manipulative, evil, obnoxious, overbearing, idiotic, weak-willed little son-of-a-bitch you are.When she finished telling me this, I really just wanted to punch one of them in the face. Fortunately for them, she was having enough of a breakdown that she needed me there, and hurting them wasn't going to help her with the immediate problem. For the record, if she hadn't needed me there, I probably would have cut school to go and put a nice fist sized dent in her father's car, and three to go along with it in his face, minimum.
) Like with you, surprisingly my parents took it really well.
...grrr, that just ticked me off. Maybe that, afterall, is the big issue here. Her parents are thinking of you as kids. You're not, you're adults--based on maturity not age--and are capable of making adult decisions IMO. I need to find me a stick.....
Again, I wish you all the best. Hopefully things will look up soon.
and my fathers parents have never accepted my mother, which leads to some interesting Christmas arrangements, please for the sake of your sanity and any future people involved (by that I mean children as/when they happen) get their anger issues and controlling issues sorted, by whatever means, be that counselling or getting the police involved when parents are being abusive (sleep deprivation is a form of torture...).
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