Horribly inappropriate work conversations!

[thatcrazyredhead]

One of my coworkers at my last job was a lesbian. She was always cracking jokes. I brought a fruit tray to a potluck and she said, "I thought I was the only fruit around here!"

Same coworker also enjoyed feeding peanuts to the ground squirrels that lived around the office building. There were many, many nut jokes.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Today one of my coworkers told me that you can shit in a bottle, cap it and let it ferment for a few weeks, then open it, huff the gas that comes out and get high.

Now I am left wondering:
1) Why?
2) What was the experimentation process that led to this discovery?
3) How do you know this?
4) Why are you telling me this?

I just don't even...

[dalesys]

Today one of my coworkers told me that you can shit in a bottle...

There's a song about it...

[Canadian In Maine]

During the winter months my cat, like the one pictured in my avatar, develops static cling in the worst way. My co-worker and I (we are both British) were discussing the dilemma one day.

Me: My pussy has static cling again.
CW: You should just shave your pussy.
Boss (unseen from behind a curtain): What the fuck are you two discussing???

[mathnerd]

I was teaching a business calculus class one term a number of years ago. We got to a particular combination of topics that while tedious and somewhat long, wasn't at all difficult if you knew the two underlying concepts. Well, I go to do an example on the board and give a one line summary of what we'd have to do. The students all start grumbling about it. I turned around and said...

"Look, just because it's long, doesn't mean it's hard".

Yeah, my dirty minded college students certainly didn't let that one slip. I said "Difficult! Just because it's a long process doesn't mean the process is difficult!". Still took 10 minutes before they stopped snickering. I do have to say, however, on the exam a couple weeks later not a single student who was there for that class missed the combo multiplication/chain rule problem.

[dalesys]

Junior High School History: "Prehistoric man carried a club to beat off wild animals."

[HiddenMica]

I think my best one was a complete brain to mouth filter fail with one of my favorite employees. Mind you I'm her boss so it is entirely inappropriate. Now, she is black, my boyfriend is half black but only really looks it when he lets his hair grow out. I am as pasty as any Irish mix can get with enough french in me to keep me from being pink. I've been told I should go goth because I have the perfect skin for it. Now, onto my ooops...

CW is making a black iced coffee for a customer and no one else is around to hear us chatting as the drive thru window is closed.

CW: Black... Just how I like my men...
Me: Yea me too.
CW: Your boyfriend doesn't even look black!
Me: Yea but he's black where it counts.

Proceed me turning bright red, the Irish in my skin coming out in full force making me look like I have a three day sunburn, and her literally falling onto the floor laughing so hard another, very confused, employee had to pass the order out the window for her.

She still hasn't let me live it down and it's been about 5 months now. She can just say "black coffee right?" and I turn a bright lobster red all over again.

[Kit-Ginevra]

During the winter months my cat, like the one pictured in my avatar, develops static cling in the worst way. My co-worker and I (we are both British) were discussing the dilemma one day.

Me: My pussy has static cling again.
CW: You should just shave your pussy.
Boss (unseen from behind a curtain): What the fuck are you two discussing???

Are you Mrs.Slocombe?

[fireheart]

This was arguably more "Holy crap my boss has a dirty mind" than "inappropriate", but still funny.

We were discussing fundraising ideas for work. The suggestion was made to do "dress up days" (ie kids pay $1 to come to school holidays wearing a onesie). So we're joking around, thinking of costumes, then my 2IC pipes up with this:

2IC: I have a pirate costume, but I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate...

Coworkers:
Me:
Bossman: inititally

Then there's the collective minds in the gutter when we all misinterpret the "inappropriate" to mean "I bought the costume from [local lingerie store!]"

Coworkers:
Me:
Bossman:

By that point I was more because of bossman's reaction than anything. Why I found it funny is that bossman is the last person you'd expect to be thinking that way! And then there was the fact that he couldn't stop laughing. I just said that I was very glad I wasn't working that afternoon because I couldn't look at any of them straight-faced afterwards!

[fireheart]

Conversation between me, bossman and CW yesterday.

Bossman (to CW): OK, if you're going to use your phone, put it on "Vibrate" or...just make sure that your ringtone is "appropriate." No Eminem or Dr Dre. NObody's getting jiggy with it.
Me: Not yet! (meaning purely "jiggy"=dance)
Bossman (turns around and stares at me):......no comment.
Me:
CW:

[ADeMartino]

When I was in tech school, one of my female classmates missed a very important exam due to terrible weather. Since the exam made up a good chunk of our grade, she asked the instructor if she could make up the exam.....and was mortified when the instructor told her she could take an oral exam after class. While that remark did indeed engender a few snickers, this particular professor was about as about as straight-laced as they come, and everyone in the room know that it was just a very unfortunate choice of words.

Fortunately, one of my classmates was a little more on the ball than the rest of us, and blurted out "I think you probably mean she should take a VERBAL exam." My poor instructor, only THEN realizing what he'd said, turned bright red with embarrassment.

[mathnerd]

Undergrad general biology lab. Prof is a friend of mine, and I've slipped into the lab to borrow some supplies for a school project my niece was doing (approved by admin).

Professor launches into a lecture as she's explaining her standards for the research paper that class will be required to do over the course of the term. She's talking about the importance of communication skills and knowing how to present information to the intended audience (the difference between an essay for English class and a paper worthy of being submitted to a science journal. Midway through a sentence, a student's cell phone, which was on vibrate, but sitting on a lab table, goes off. This distracts the professor. What comes out of the professor's mouth is:

"The most important thing in your life is your vibrator"

Not quite what she meant to say.

[fireheart]

Convo today between me and one of the female bosses I have (currently I have 3 female bosses, 1 male boss):

Me: OK, so I said to <child> "<Child> No ebay" and it worked!"
Boss: So his hands were down his pants.
Me: Other end. (referring to the fact that he'd been "Exploring himself" by shoving his hands in his pants from the bottom of his pants up to the top)
Boss:

(For context, the kid in question is complex special needs and has an aide at the service. Unfortunately the aide was absent so I stepped in. The kid is starting to hit puberty, which of course, means a whole new kettle of fish.)

[pzychobitch]

Did I mention the time one of the managers at my work was telling a story about how one time, a (female) friend of hers just blurted out in a crowded mall, "I just paid 20$ for a screw!" ....
...

after getting her purse repaired?

Well, now I have.

Well she wouldn't have had to pay anything for a screw if she knew me...

[pzychobitch]

Not so much a work-related one, but still funny.

I'll sum it up this way:

Try and talk about how a saxophone and a flute have identical fingerings without mentioning the word "fingering" (or "positions") in front of my very dirty-minded friend...

It didn't work.

"Kyle says he's been practicing his fingering with his mom all night long!!!"

south park ftw lol.