Ho ho ho.. merry nervous breakdown! Wait, what?

[bean]

I'm pretty sure I'm fired over this.... I've been trying to call my boss for a week now and he won't return my calls. Same with the store manager.

They have a real good reason to let me go. I've spoken about my depression and alcoholism issues here before. I've shown up half drunk to work most of the time I've worked there, and they put up with it because I generally busted my ass. But after moving to nights, well... I went downhill. When I worked days, I was drinking about a 12 pack a day, but still (somewhat) functioning - for the past few weeks it's been almost double that, until the depression came back and reared its ugly head and said "oh no.. you're not going to work anymore, no way, you need the bottle before anything!".

I've basically spent the past 2 weeks having a severe nervous breakdown. It's been really bad, but today I've made arrangements to get someone to watch my place (mainly my aquarium + cat) for a couple of weeks and made arrangements to get a ride to a nuthouse. My medical insurance doesn't cover mental or substance issues whatsoever (and even if it did, my deductible is $1100 - I have under $1 in my bank account right now). I live in a small limbo area where... I live in the city of Dallas, but not in the county of Dallas, and the county I live in has very limited offerings with public healthcare (and they limit me more because I actually live in Dallas). So I've spent the past day trying to find someplace that'll accept me without some massive upfront payment.

So uh, wish me luck I guess. I'm 99% sure I'm out of a job, but I'm really looking forward to a new lease on life. I know there's tons of people at work that will give me a good reference too. Don't know why I'm even posting this beyond hoping for some kind words..

Oh yeah, if anyone says "just quit" - I invite you to look up DT's on google. Alcohol withdrawal is one of the worst forms of w/d that exists and is one of only a few that can actually kill you. Scary stuff.

[pyxee]

You, have my thoughts for sure. My husband got clean off of years of addiction to meth so take heart that it can be done, and I know getting past an addiction especially when depression is involved it is the hardest thing you may ever do.

I wish you the best, and I hope you recover well.
Yeah sorry I am horrible at expressing these sorts of things , but I really do think you are making a very big step just going out and seeking help, so bravo on that.

[Saydrah]

*hugs* Good on you for knowing you have a problem and going for the solution no matter what it takes. Someday having your life in order will repay you- being in debt and feeling good about yourself is better than breaking even and knowing you have a disease eating you mentally and physically from the inside out. Don't sweat the job for now- heck, maybe when you get clean you can get a job helping others with the same problem since you seem to really understand it.

My sister got clean after years of alcohol and just about every drug out there- it took getting pregnant and knowing her baby would be born with birth defects and addicted to drugs to get her to quit, but now I think she's had one glass of wine in five years.

[bean]

Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot. I've so far beat cocaine, meth, valium, and xanax addictions in the past 7 or 8 years. We'll say I have a slightly addictive personality .. There's been plenty of other drugs tossed into the mix - basically everything you can think of except for heroin and needles over the years (opiates scare the shit out of me). If you forget about opiates, pretty much every drug known to man has been through me at some point in the past decade.

In the past couple of years, intoxication wise, all I've done is drink and smoke some pot - and I honestly don't think pot has anything to do with where I'm at now (though I will say it's been about a month since I smoked). Alcohol, on the other hand, is pretty damn evil.

I will say that meth and coke were, comparatively speaking, a lot easier to quit (but no walk in the park). The benzos (xanax and valium) weren't easy at all.

[Bagga]

You mention that you have experienced a lot of different addictions, and have quit them. Take heart from that - you have experienced what it feels like to rid yourself of an addiction before, apparently, so you know what to expect, and above all YOU KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

(I have problems myself, I can feel one of my frequent periods of depression approaching right now, but I have had it before, so I know what it will be like, and I know it will go away eventually, so I am not worsening it by worrying about it. c'est la vie, archie, c'est la vie.)

Good luck with it, and keep in touch with us, as that may help. (Or if it doesn't, see ya later, after you have gained success, as I am sure you will.)

[cinema guy]

You have my sincere sympathies. I've been through depression that caused me to quit my job. I hope you find the help you need.

[Raieth]

And remember don't be afraid of anti-depressents if they percribe them. I"ve been taking them now for four months and it feels like I'm alive again.

[Seshat]

Bean,

Depression and other mental disorders seem like they'll be easier to cope with if you self-medicate with drug-X. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work out that way. The wrong drugs in the wrong dosages just make the situation worse.

Get medical help to identify just what the underlying cause is, and stay off any sort of self-medication. Even an addiction to sugar can screw you around more than you realise when you're in the middle of it. (I have reactive-hypoglycemia, which I was self-treating by having many small sips of coca-cola during the day. A low GI diet makes me feel a LOT better than the coke did.)

When seeking medical attention, tell the doctor what symptoms you have - even if you think 'everyone feels like this'. My depression was caused by physical pain, but because I thought that everyone was in pain every day and I was a wimp, I didn't bother to mention it to doctors. It turns out that no, pain at level 8 of a scale where 10 is 'going into shock from the pain' is not normal. And that once the pain was treated, my depression is clearing up, it was easier to shake the sugar 'addiction', and my tendancy to seek comfort in food is clearing up as well.

Get a friend to help you, and write a complete list of symptoms. Get a friend, or a drug treatment counsellor, or anyone you can, to go over the symptoms with you and help you identify what is being your tendancy to seek addictive drugs. Tell them that that's what you're trying to do - heck, show them this post if you want to.

If you have underlying medical problems, getting them treated will help. If you have biochemical problems in your brain, getting on the right drugs to correct the imbalance and learning the psychological tricks for when your brain goes temporarily super-wonky will help. If you have no physical/biochemical problems, learning the psychological tricks to cope with life's stresses and strains will help.

If you do decide to take my advice, I think you should show a drug treatment counsellor this post, especially if you have trouble expressing what you're trying to achieve. Let them read it, then try to express it again in your own words.

(Of course, this is free advice. I may be completely off track, in which case it's worth what you paid for it. But if it sounds right for you, I'm glad and I hope you use it.)

[Slayergrrl]

You are in my thoughts, Bean. Get well! "One day at a time" my friend.

[sms001]

So uh, wish me luck I guess.

The very best of luck to you - I like your writing style and a lot of the things you've had to say, so come back strong and clean.

[Pezzle]

Yeah, I just want to reiterate do not be afraid of the antidepressants. Cocaine addictions especially can do this, but often time substance abuse creates depression in its wake. This is because your body uses the drugs as a substitute for it's own dopamine uptake/reuptake, and when you remove the substance, the body can't play catch-up.

[Der Cute]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

depression is an evil MOFO and is not to be taken lightly.
To deal with it, there MUST be a two-pronged approach : medical antidepressants, to balance the biochem issues in the brain, along with intense psychotherapy to find out some of the root emo issues.

A person may be chemically imbalanced, making them truly think that pink color is a purple elephant. After time of thinking this way, the wiring becomes screwed up physically. The drugs may help recede the elephant cause, but training is needed to get the patient to see purple = pink.

And if you've had multiple addictions and kicks, there's an underlying cause of ALL OF IT, which hasn't been dealt with yet, I think.

Good luck, Bean.

We're sprouting for ya!

Cutenoob

[bean]

Well guys, the past several weeks have been very interesting.

First off, I've been sober since December 14th. Second, this is a realllllly long post.

Anyway, on Dec 13th I found myself broke, and so far into alcohol withdrawal that I couldn't even walk, talk, much less go buy, steal, etc alcohol. I finally threw in the towel and called an ambulance, and it took several minutes of mumbling into the phone for the dispatcher to understand what I needed. I managed to walk into the ambulance when it showed up (with help), but couldn't get back out, so they had to carry me into the ER.

Blood pressure was 230/180 when I got there, pulse was close to 200. I barely knew who I was, where I was, or what was going on - I just knew that I fucked up really bad and the people in the scrubs around me were trying to make it better. The only thing I remember from the rest of that day is a doctor leaning over me, telling me they've managed to get my blood pressure under control, and that she's going to move me to ICU.

I don't remember much of the first few days in the hospital - they immediately got me on an Ativan drip, which wiped my memory out (but brought me back to earth). I do know I spent 4 days in intensive care (ICU), followed by 2 more days in general. I know I had at least one grand mal seizure, and I vaguely remember waking up with a catheter inside of my man bits. A lot of friends, family, and coworkers came to visit. Even one of my regular customers came by.

My best friend since 1992 asked me how trashed my apartment was, I told him it was horrible.. he asked for the keys and told me he'd get it cleaned up. The next day he came back and told me he hauled 20 garbage bags worth of beer cans/bottles to the trash. My family picked up where he left off - when I got home today, I walked into a half redone apartment. New rugs, new lamps, new candles, lots of new decorative items - my mom and grandma fixed the place up.

Anyway, the day I was set to discharge, the doctor pretty much told me I wasn't leaving unless I had some kind of rehab lined up. I made arrangements with La Hacienda - Dr Phil sends a lot of people there, I have family members that have been through treatment there, and I heard nothing but good things about the place.

To wrap it up - the day after I got out of the hospital, I got in the car and made the 325-330 mile drive to Hunt, Texas - where La Hacienda is. I got there December 21st, and left January 23rd. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made - LaHa has an awesome program, awesome staff, and they still give you plenty of freedom. After I'd been there 14 days, I was free to go into town in the evenings, as long as I hit an AA or NA meeting while I was there (I went into town quite a bit).

Somehow after all of this, I still have a job - I finally called my boss from the hospital and told him what was going on. He talked to the store manager and the store HR staff and got an unpaid leave of absence approved for me under FMLA, and told me I needed to talk to HR to find out how to activate my short term disability insurance. Guys, if you have the option for disability insurance, GET IT! It's cheap, and it's paying my rent until I return to work.

I do know my old position is gone - in fact, I probably don't have a position in that department at all now. I left the boss in a tight spot, and he had to hire someone else (and I'm sure he's upset that I disappeared the way I did). However, he's promised me that he's going to do "whatever it takes" to get me 40 hours a week until something opens up in the store (I'll be working pretty much every department). I'm thinking about going to frontend - I have several years of cash handling experience, and they have a spot open.

Thankfully my insurance paid for most of the hospital visit - the bill was $36,000, and I "only" owe $1,600 of that. The rehab wasn't covered by insurance though - and it ran about $30k. $30k is a small price to pay to get my life back though.

edit: cutenoob, addiction runs in both sides of my family really bad. My dad calls himself a 3rd generation alcoholic, and calls me a 4th generation alcoholic. He's been sober for 15 years now. The depression is nonexistant now that I'm actually sober - the only mental issue the psych at the treatment center was real concerned with is my ADD, but I function fine without medication as long as I can stay busy. I do know I have to remain sober forever - not just from alcohol, but everything. They did give me a 3 month prescription for Revia (helps control alcohol cravings), along with some beta blockers to help with the blood pressure. I'm on the lowest dose of Indural, and it seems to be keeping me around 120/60 (average) - down from my normal 150/90. (Indural = beta blocker)

edit2: The only negative thing that happened while I was in rehab was I had to leave my parents in charge of my aquarium. None of my friends or family know how to take care of fish - unfortunately, 6 of them didn't survive. My cat has also been spoiled rotten, but I can deal with that.

[iradney]

Yay bean I know I'm a little late with this post, but I'm glad you took the necessary steps to take care of your addiction and depression. The first step is ALWAYS the hardest. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, and sending loads of happy vibes your way.

[Teysa]

Welcome back. Glad life is getting better for you. Looks like you have a decent support network between your family and friends. Good luck on your continuing road to recovery.