Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Professional Serf]

I am not allowed to hand out free deodorant, toothbrushes and douche bags to my smelly, hygienically challenged customers.

I am not allowed to howl with laughter when the dweeby little white boy with the oversized shirt and the baggy pants half way down his ankles, talks to me like he was...born in the hood.

[Nimisha]

I am not allowed to ask customers "Have I satisfied you today?"

I'm in training still, but I'm terrified I'm going to say that when I get out on the floor. "Here at ** we have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, have I satisfied you today?"

Not so much because it bothers the customers, but try not to laugh when the person next to you says it :P

[edible_hat]

I didn't actually try this, just talked about it and the boss laughed and said it's not going to happen...

So I'm not allowed to pour fuel on the ground in the shape of two skidmarks, light it on fire, and tell people I just saw a DeLorean dissappear.

[Mr. Security]

- I'm not allowed to tell my assistant supervisor that "Your tits aren't growing back your just getting fatter"(she had a breast reduction over a year ago)

- No matter how much I want to I'm not allowed to kick the drunks in the head to wake them up

- Feed the homeless drunks Exlax brownies

- Temp the drunks with free mouthwash

- Fire elastic bands at random patrons

- Stage drunk fights when I'm alone and bored

- Stare at the very large lump on the side of my bosses neck

- Draw pictures on the drunks

- Poke the drunks with a ruler

- Put submission holds on the drunks to wake them up

[Teysa]

1. Announce a special on fresh ground grocery manager.
2. Pelt annoying customers with bad shrimp.
3. No pelting said annoying customers with good shrimp either.
4. Have sword fights with the giant crab legs.

[El Barto]

Not allowed to make fun of my manager when I have to drive to the store and open the office door when he manages to lock 2 sets of keys in the office at 9:15 pm.

Screw it, I'm making fun of him anyway.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• Not allowed to tout the performance benefits of "raw testicular extract" (ingredient found in...ahem....a male-enhancement supplement that arrived on last night's truck for the vitamin aisle reset.)
• Unless I can keep a straight face while doing so.
• If stocking condoms on the sales floor, and some yahoo comes up and says "Trojan MAN!" like in the commercials, not allowed to hold the box of condoms over my head and respond "Pleasure PACK!" (I did that one today)

[thegiraffe]

I'm not allowed to ask for a big box and several rolls of packing tape to send some choice 5th graders to Timbuktu.

I'm also not allowed to suggest that we put the whole 5th grade on Bird Island in the middle of Lake Jesup*.

*Lake Jesup is a local lake that has the highest alligator density in the world. My principal said that putting the 5th graders there wouldn't be fair to the alligators. Ok, so I'm totally over the 5th grade.

[Princess-Snake]

I am not allowed to do the following:

-sing or mutter Epiphany from Sweeney Todd in front of customers. (For those who haven't seen the play or movie, the lyrics include "They all deserve to die")
-even if the customers do deserve to die
-sing That's How You Know from Enchanted and dance around
-even if you got some customers to sing and dance along with you
-even if you got your co-workers to sing and dance along as well
-mutter angry incantations to co-worker, who believes you are an evil Irish goddess, in spanish
-or english
-or japanese
-or latin
-or any other language for that matter
-even though said co-worker is crazy
-sneak up to said co-worker and say "Boo."
-if I suggest something to the mananger and his response is to laugh so hard that he can't breathe, I can assume I am not allowed to do it

[GingerBiscuit]

Not allowed to push the area manager down the stairs.
Or the regional manager.
Even if I can make it look like an accident.
Even though no-one would miss them.
Even though we don't need this job any way.
Not allowed to give regional manager fashion advice.
Or tell her to get a new hair dresser.
Or a new moisturiser.
Or new shoes.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• Must not take the Sesame Street, Dora, Diego, etc hand puppets from toys and speak through them, as Mr. Garrison does with Mr. Hat
• No more re-enacting Terrence & Phillip skits ("Hey Phillip, guess what?" "What?""Fart!")
• When a co-worker we dislike is fired or quits, must not write his/her name on a drinking cup and tack it to the bulletin board in the backroom, like a hunting trophy.
• Must not pile the bed mattresses 3 or 4 high underneath the mezzanine (or second floor) gate and do swan dives from the mezzanine onto the mattresses. I personally did not do this, but I did hear about it. Several truck guys got fired or written up for that one.

[blas]

Not allowed to kidnap my bad trainees and stuff them into the sulfuric acid tanks
Even if they deserve it
Even if no one would care what happened to them
Even if we'd all celebrate it

I'm not allowed to not give a shit

[Peppergirl]

I'm not allowed to:

~Tell my doesn't-yet-know-he's-gay co-worker to knock it off with the passive-aggressive, trouble making bullshit. We're on to your games, and laugh at your continuous failure at perpetrating them.

~Laugh at customers who ask me if I can phone the (insert airport name here) airport and have the pilot for their flight wait just a couple more minutes because TSA is taking too long to get through security.

~Hang up on the customer above when he gets mad when I tell him no.

~Tell my seemingly bi-polar co-worker that, while I like speed-metal, it's not exactly appropriate for the work place. Especially when blasted loudly.

~Laugh at customers who call their mom-and-pop travel agency at 1030pm on a Sunday night, and act shocked that they received an after hour emergency service and that 'Brenda' isn't there, waiting for their call.

~Laugh at customers who yell at me when a blizzard hits and closes down the airport they're flying out of. Bonus points if they say 'But I have a MEETING I have to attend at 8am tomorrow morning. What are YOU going to DO about that?' Um, laugh?

More later...

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to offer customers special offers like 1 for the price of 2 or a Mentos and Diet Coke combo.

[twocents]

a) Do not inhale helium from a balloon blown up in floral dept and yak. It is a bad example for the kiddies..
I don't remember all the other 'why thou shalt not inhale helium' from my manager at Meijers, however, he had to keep from cracking up on a couple of them (his voice cracked as he choked back laughter). The above 'do not' was one of the reasons that he almost laughed out loud over.