Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• For the 4,729th time, no kicking boxes into the cardboard baler
• Even though it's fun
• And I'm the best at it
• Therefore, I am not a Portuguese soccer star named Ariaga
• Or Ariaga II
• Or Bariaga

[Jay 2K Winger]

From the movie theater
~ Do not hop over the handrails of the escalator a few feet before reaching the bottom.

~ Do not threaten to beat SCs with the ushers' Big Heavy Flashlight.

~ Do not suggest pulling a "Tyler Durden edit" on a bad film.

~ Or a good film.

~ Especially not to a family film.

~ Do not do your Darth Vader impression into the box office microphone.

From the wholesale club

~ Do not call the pain in the ass FLS "Scarface" ... even if she does have scars ON her face.

~ Do not say "Heeeeeeeere's your sign" after dealing with a SC with a stupid question.

~ Do not label the 2x4s we use to prop the doors shut at night "Complaint Dept." or "Attitude Adjuster." (I actually did this, wrote it on clear packing tape and slapped it on the wood.)

~ Do not convert a broken broom handle into a "sword" and threaten to beat your lazy co-worker with it.

~ Do not insist said "sword" "is not a weapon, it's a motivational tool!"

~ Do not tell a difficult customer that if he attempts to leave without showing his receipt that I'll "release my army of trained attack midgets."

~ Do not sneak up on co-workers and whisper "Boo" in their ears.

~ Even if the managers also find the reactions funny.

~ Also don't sneak up on them and yell "NINJA!" in their ear.

[edible_hat]

Upon finding a dead mouse, the correct procedure is to put on gloves, pick it up, put it in the rubbish, throw away the gloves, and wash your hands. Note the absence of a "pick it up by the tail and swing it around your head" step.

[Igorina]

There is no such event as, 'The Running of the Post-Docs', and I am not them any more ideas.

The greenhouses are for growing plants for experiemnts. A garden does not count as an 'experiement'.

I am not to make a fire ant trail into the office of someone I don't like.

[scroob]

i am not allowed to: fake my own death to avoid having to deal with a PITA cust
make any suggestions for how to deal with people who shoplift
make any suggestions for how to improve ANYTHING
make closing announcements sounding like apu from the simpsons
show off any intelligence to cws who need a calculator (i.e. to add 2+2)
hit cw in the face with a clothes hanger
spend 3 hours during a shift playing with a superball found on the floor
gamble on anything (cause i always win)
ever be in a non-talkative mood when coming in on my day off for a party (even if i'd had a fight the day before and was in no mood to talk to anyone)
claim that cw who called in sick was "lying on a beach somewhere"-even if he thinks its funny
have an opinion about anything
call manager an idiot in front of the 678468767386 cameras.

[cinema guy]

Call a team leader a 'dozy cow' over the raidio. Fortunately she found it funny.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• When tossing a knife to a co-worker who forgot his/hers, retract the blade first!
• Actually, no tossing of knives period. People generally don't respond to a big chunk of metal hurtling in their general direction
• Speaking of said chunk of metal (ie my work knife), not allowed to use it when my crappy plastic safety knife finally come in.
• No more pushing around the uber-noisy, uber-squeaky metal 6-wheeler. It's so loud people can't talk in normal voices.
• Even though I have a perfectly legitimate reason for using it (so that customers won't ask me for help)
• Not allowed to mention the coincidence that our last employee injury happened on April 20.
• Why no, I haven't the foggiest idea how those 3 boxes of candles all got broken.

[scroob]

not allowed to call my cw an "ahole" as it will get me fired (disclaimer: i did in fact say ahole, not the whole word.) also not allowed to claim that i know anything

[edible_hat]

I will not turn up the radio and pretend I'm playing Elite Beat Agents using the register's touch screen as a giant Nintendo DS.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I can't wander around the store with an orange and ask people if they want to see my navel.

Good one, Becks.

I guess wandering around asking people if they want to see your cucumber isn't a hot idea either.

And I was just informed recently that, no matter how much I'm tempted to, I can't bound and gag a little Elf and stuff him in the trailer of his truck and shut the door so I don't have to hear his mouth running 100 miles/hour.

And no, I can't declare Wednesdays as "Au Naturale Day." (ie, Go To Work Naked Day.)

[Bike_Wrench]

The bent training wheels are "defective", the child is not obese.

I cannot drop a ball bearing into the seat tube of particularly anal-retentive customers bikes.

It is considered "rude" to inform customers that have crawled past the barricade of bicycles, past the closed signs and that are sitting in the dark wishing to browse merchandise forty minutes after closing time on the evening before Independence Day that we are closed.

"How would I know...I have a house?" is not an acceptable response to an inquiry about the best camping spots in town.

I can no longer add a $5 per phonecall surcharge for customers calling about their repair status, even though they were informed that we will call when it is completed.

The $15 charge for showing up in person is similarly prohibited.

Inciting a bidding war between customers wishing their repair moved up in priority is not encouraged.

Beer is not an acceptable form of payment for services rendered.

If beer is offered as a tip, it is to be shared with the boss.

Saying, "Not it!" does not excuse one from answering the phone.

[scroob]

i am not allowed to complain when my bike gets sold and management refuses to get off their lazy ass and get the bike they told me they would get 6 WEEKS AGO
also not allowed to call my manager out about calling me stubborn to a cw behind my back

[crazylegs]

I cannot drop a ball bearing into the seat tube of particularly anal-retentive customers bikes.

I *so* know someone I could do that to...

[Boggles]

When using a pair of rusty scissors, I am not allowed to choose which SCs get to keep their reproductive equipment.

If a Meat Loaf song comes on the radio, I am not to drop everything, grab an improvised mike (sweeping brush) and belt out the song in a dodgy key!

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to claim that I'm in training for the 100m swearing at the next Olympic Games. Nor the the mop fighting, bottle throwing or sitting down events.