Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[scroob]

I am not allowed to throw a pen at my cw and make him fall off a chair (don't ask how the hell a 230+ lb guy can fall off a chair after being hit with a pen...)
Also not allowed to laugh hysterically when people make fun of my sup that I hate
Not allowed to make fun of my sup to her face...
Not allowed to charge people who forget their glasses whatever the hell I want to
Finally, not allowed to start a commentary with our volunteers that can turn very dirty very quickly-damn cameras steal all my fun

[Shangri-laschild]

I am not allowed to secure us a new and better office by force
I am also not allowed to secretly secure us a new and better office.
-This includes not being allowed to wall in the lecture hall next door and claim it as our territory

[scroob]

I am not allowed to make fun of my male cw who says "I need a man..." over the intercom (although it is damn funny.)
Also am not allowed to walk around saying "Hell is officially frozen" when something unusual occurs (like my sup saying anything other than "you suck.")

[Ghel]

This is a great thread. I just spent the last two days reading it, when I could have been doing something productive.

Anyway, my entries from the bank:

-I am not allowed to tell the customer that, because he told me that he would have brought in more cash to deposit except that he didn't want any reports filed, that I'm going to have to file a report on him. (No, seriously! That's called structuring. Now I have to file a SAR. Goddammit!)

-I must be polite to customers. Even if said customer defrauded us of $8000 several years ago and now wants to open a checking account.

-Asking Nigerian scammers to send their personal information to me is strongly discouraged.

-No yelling at computers for hanging.
-No yelling at coworkers for doing something stupid and causing their computers to hang.

-I must not tell telemarketers/scammers who claim to be calling from the company that provided our photocopier (without naming said company), then ask what model copier we use, that they're full of shit. (I actually did this. It was awesome.)

-I must not yell at the bank president in front of an FDIC examiner for giving me incomplete information and, therefore, making me look like a complete fool in front of said examiner.

-I must not tell tourists to "get a map" or "buy a GPS" when they ask for directions.

[RetailWorkhorse]

I am not allowed to drop kick the next person to ask me "how much is this?"

**Please note where I work**

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• No dropping cases of Christmas gift wrap on the floor in backstock
  (because this particular area of upstairs backstock isn't a concrete floor--it's plastic on top of wood on top of something or other. Anyway, when I dropped the case of gift wrap on the floor it shook loose one of the florescent light bulbs underneath, which fell to the ground and shattered, which would have been TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME! if I would've gotten to see it.)
• When a co-worker asks me where to put 5,936 cases of Christmas gift wrap, or 27,472 pallets of toys that came in on the last truck, not allowed to answer "Bend over."
• Why no, I had no idea that can of Febreeze was hidden behind the baler, and I didn't know it was for deodorizing Numbnuts and all he comes in contact with. Honestly, I didn't. Look, a leprechaun!
• Not allowed to have Numbnuts assist me when emptying the baler by having him stick his head under the bale being ejected, to "inspect the wires to make sure they won't snap"
• This would make a terrible mess.
• Belching and farting contests among us stock monkeys are generally discouraged.
• For the 52,963rd time, nobody wants to see my Georgia Engel impersonation.

[fireheart]

Special Christmas Edition

This involves both Concert Band and Work.

At band:

-Am not allowed to sing the naughty version of "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus" even though I'm on the drumkit and not playing my flute. (Thanks Irv)
-The piccolo is not a dildo.
-Neither is the headjoint of a flute.
-Or the drum major's mace that we use when marching.
-I am not allowed to ask our recently-married first horn player "if he's still horny after coming back from a honeymoon."
-Ditto for asking our first trumpet. (although he has a girlfriend)
-Offering to carry a banner instead of playing in a pageant is discouraged.
-The boys are not doing a version of "Calendar Girls" so stop suggesting how the bass drum, saxophone and trumpet can be used to cover up genitalia.
-Mistletoe at Band Practice is inappropriate.
-Playing the correct scale but the wrong way in warm-up is not funny, even though it creates a very cool sound.
-And finally, I am not to suggest that we are preparing for an orgy when being asked to move closer together in formation (even though most of the band is old enough)

Work:

-I am not allowed to wear mistletoe anywhere on my work uniform.
-Ditto for reindeer antlers
-I am not allowed to hang the Australian version of Numbnuts on a meathook and pelt him with fruit.
-Throwing pens is inappropriate.
-I am not allowed to sing "Caravan of Love" when I am bored.
-I am not allowed to ask for a plastic bag and an empty space in the coolroom to kill myself.
-Not allowed to tell people that it will cost them $1000 if they steal one of our baskets (we tell them to leave it behind...nobody's stolen one yet)
-Finally, no chasing Australian Numbnuts with a plastic bag full of rubbish when he's been spreading rumours about my lovelife.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

SPecial holiday edition:

When the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I am not allowed to sing my own version of that song, about a certain lead singer from said Jackson 5.

It starts "I saw Michael Jackson kissing little boys..."

Two years later and I finally finished the song! PM me if you wanna see it.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

The truck unloaders are not, among other things, "drunken retarded monkeys," and I am not to tell them "No bananas for you guys."

What prompted this? Yesterday, after we finished the truck, I was assigned to straighten the furniture backstocks. While doing this I noticed a box full of assorted kinds of clothes (undies and kids jackets are what I noticed in there) shoved on a shelf. I mean, whoever put it there had to do quite a bit of shoving to get it in there; the box was all squished and ripped. Those guys just don't pay any attention to what they're putting where.

Anyhow, my manager was in the backroom when I said this and she told me not to say it again.

[Racket_Man]

The truck unloaders are not, among other things, "drunken retarded monkeys," and I am not to tell them "No bananas for you guys."

even with 30,000 pounds of bananas????
(cookies for reference)

[Andrew B.]

even with 30,000 pounds of bananas????
(cookies for reference)

Woah... a Harry Chapin reference. Don't see many of those.

[Racket_Man]

Woah... a Harry Chapin reference. Don't see many of those.

* hands cookies to Andrew**

[fireheart]

-Anyone who does stock is not to be referred to as a "stock monkey."

[Broomjockey]

-Anyone who does stock is not to be referred to as a "stock monkey."

What about register monkeys? Also known as Tillmonkeys?

[fireheart]

What about register monkeys? Also known as Tillmonkeys?

No.

This came from me filling the drink fridges on Sunday (not my favourite job) and I came across some stock hiding in one of the fridges, so I tossed it over to the guy doing it calling out "Hey, stock monkey!" in the process.

I also think it would be inappropriate to ask him if he wants a banana next time