Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Ghel]

According to the lender who's training me to replace her when she retires:

• I may not tell a customer that he's a waste of skin and shouldn't bother to apply for a loan.
• I may not tell a customer who's attempting to negotiate rates that "this is what we're offering, take it or GTFO."
• When Customer1 relates the story of how Customer2 lost $1000 cash that he had just picked up from the bank, I cannot give him details from my POV, knowing that I waited on Customer2. (Privacy laws forbid it.)
• Nor can I say that I think Customer2 is an idiot.

(No, I haven't done any of these, but I sure wanted to!)

[thatcrazyredhead]

I am not allowed to tell the underwriters that they're blazing idiots.

Same goes for my boss.

I am not allowed to trip Co-Worker, even when it's the 4,562,783rd time he's walked by my cubicle that morning.

When a co-worker brings their child/grandchild into the office, I am not allowed to tell them to take it back home and return only when it's fully cooked.

Nor am I allowed to ask if they brought enough snack to share with the whole office.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

I am not allowed to throw a wild party while Bossman and Sup are out of the office.

Not that I'd want to. The place is so small we'd never find room for the keg.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to sing The Internet Is For Porn on the floor.
I am not allowed to add the words "for porn" to the end of any sentences.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

"For porn" is not acceptable ending to a Chinese cookie fortune. (Mine today was something like "A new relationship will soon blossom)

I am never again to offer a co-worker five bucks in exchange for shotgunning a can of Coke.

Only because it made a big mess.

[thatcrazyredhead]

I am not allowed to order drinks from CW who is dressed like a cocktail waitress. (I work for an insurance company.)

[Zellie Crescent]

No quoting lines/ trying to reenact scenes from Red vs Blue

I'm not Tex and can't use my 'invisibility function' to hide from customers

I can't yell "Oh my god, it's Doughnut!" everytime I see a guy with a pink shirt

I'm not suposed to refer to Kevin and Bob as Sarge and Simmons

No talking about X- rated movies within the customers hearing range

No talking about sex toys within the customers hearing range

No talking about different sex positions at all

Even if there's no customers

She used to be such a nice girl (not really)

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

I MAY name a piece of paper Gluey Louie, but I'll get funny looks for it.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to sing "Prisoner of Society" while on the clock.

And a few relating to the upcoming Christmas party:

I am not allowed to mention what happened at least year's party involving two certain people...
I am not allowed to mention THAT photo.
I am not allowed to even suggest that we have a gorillagram.
And I cannot order a stripper. Even as a joke.

(The party isn't necessarily restricted to the 18+ group, but we're at a fairly family-friendly bar so I doubt it...)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

It probably is not a good idea for me to take my black magic marker, cross out a letter on a box, and turn "Pooh Canes" into "Poo Canes."

It is very tempting though.

You must fight the temptation Irv. FIGHT IT!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When that Ambien commercial comes on the TV, the one with the rooster staring down the insomniac lady, don't blurt out "Hey! She's got a big cock in her face!"

[Plank]

I am not allowed to get the word "flange" into every conversation.

Have a flange-tastic day!

Hey (co-worker) how the flange are you?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flange

[RestaurantDude]

Not allowed to drink whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to bring 'special' brownies or cookies to work.
... even if i bring enough for everybody. (this one wasn't me, btw)
Not allowed to have fun whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to think about having fun whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to say 'idiot alert' every time i hear the front door open
Not allowed to stick my head into the kitchen and yell 'INCOMING!' when i hear the front door open.
Not allowed to install a web browser on our POS terminals & surf the intertubes whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to read CustomersSuck.com whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to read NotAlwaysRight.com whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to make rude gestures behind the bosses back whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to make rude gestures behind the bosses back even off the clock.
Not allowed to refer to carry out customers as 'wankers' whilst on the clock
Not allowed to flirt with / give my number to attractive customers of the opposite sex (this one was a coworker)
Not allowed to flirt with / give my number to attractive members of the same sex (same coworker)
Not allowed to use the bosses private bathroom. ...Ever. ...Even if it's just for Number One.
Not allowed to refer to my boss' 'blinged-out' 4x4 as "the rolling penis-extension"

I've got more, will post later.

[fireheart]

Not allowed to bring 'special' brownies or cookies to work.
... even if i bring enough for everybody. (this one wasn't me, btw)

Not allowed to stick my head into the kitchen and yell 'INCOMING!' when i hear the front door open.


Not allowed to read NotAlwaysRight.com whilst on the clock.
Not allowed to make rude gestures behind the bosses back whilst on the clock.

Not allowed to refer to my boss' 'blinged-out' 4x4 as "the rolling penis-extension"

All of these made me laugh

ETA: Funnily enough, I CAN do number 2, but only when I'm taking the bins out to back dock, since some of the nightfillers and perishables staff wear iPods when we're closed so they can stack the shelves in peace. Usually me yelling "INCOMING" with the bins stops them from turning around and getting clocked by the bin.

[RestaurantDude]

Got a new one.

Not allowed to inflate a very large plastic bag with air, tape the end shut, then yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE" and jump on it. ... even if there are no customers in the place, as it scares the p!ss out of the boss. (this one wasn't me, but, it was bloody hilarious to watch)