A General Work Rant

[Sableonblonde]

I recently landed a pretty good job, it pays better than any position I've ever had, there are good benefits and job security. I'm lucky to have it, I know that. And yet...I have all of these issues surrounding work in general. And I'm afraid that somehow I'm going to do something to screw it up.

First of all, I've always been a moody person and my moods go up and down all the time. I need a lot of "down" time just get myself re-energized and on an even keel, which you don't get a lot of when you have to work full-time, so it seems like since I started the job I've been more of a live wire than ever. Sometimes I get so angry at the fact that I have to work a full-time job that it almost eats me up inside. I get so irate about the fact that a huge chunk of my day (10 hours - the 8 hour shift, and then time taken up commuting and such) gets taken up by something I don't want to do. I can't stay out late with friends on weeknights, unless I want to really suffer the next day, because I need 8-9 hours of sleep to be normal. But I've been going out often and staying out too late anyway.

I've only been at my office for a month, but I'm already finding it harder and harder to pretend that I give a shit about anything. Now, I DO do the work that I'm assigned, I do possess a tiny bit of work ethic, but I just don't really care. More often than not I'm generally unpleasant, and sit like a blob, and answer the phone in a flat, dull voice. I'm completely uninterested in anyone's problem (and where I work, the clients we deal with have some major problems).

Everyone else in the office is so friendly, and nice, and normal, and I am kind of awed by it, and feel like such a freak and wonder if I have some kind of problem, or if maybe I'm just in the wrong environment. But this has been a pattern in my life, actually. I tend to ace interviews, and always start out a job with the best intentions and a great spirit, but then it doesn't take long at all, a couple of weeks, maybe even a couple of days, before I'm back to my moodiness. I just get so incredibly restless, and will even make frequent trips to the bathroom so I can do jumping jacks or run in place in one of the stalls.

So then on top of everything I feel this incredible guilt, that my employers got a bum deal in hiring me, and I don't deserve to be there, and I feel so shitty for not caring and being so miserable, but then I think, well, I NEED to have a job, I need to be making money, I can't just quit. It would be royally stupid of me to quit, or be fired.

But it's so PAINSTAKING trying to get through each day. Trying to force myself to concentrate on things I have no interest in. Forcing myself to at least say hello to some of the people I encounter every day. I'm either so restless I have to keep moving somehow or I'm sitting like a lump, and then there are small periods where I do enjoy the work and feel normal. But it's all so...hard. Before this I had a part-time job, working 4-5 hours a day, and that wasn't bad because it didn't take up too much energy and I still had time to do other things. But I need to work full-time, obviously. Yet it's so hard, the smallest bit of stress just sends me into orbit. I hate looking like such a freak, I'm always about to burst into tears, or slam something down. I think an office environment, while cozy and clean, is too constraining for me. But it's a GOOD job! I could be there til I retire if I wanted, but if I'm having all these problems after a month, I can't imagine how I can make it last 40 years. There are aspects of the job that I really enjoy, but the day is just so long, and it's nearly impossible to remain focused when I get bored.

Do other people have these kinds of problems getting through a day? I feel so abnormal but maybe I'm not. I'm not a young kid anymore, I'm 26 and feel like I should be mature and stable and be able to hold down a job, but...I just don't know I get this great opprotunity and I screw around with it. But it's like, I go to work and feel like I'm spending all day in prison, and this blanket of gloom seems to cover me. So I don't know if something is wrong with ME, or if the job really is just is too stiffling and I need something different? ???

[wagegoth]

You have a lot of things going on here that could be affecting your attitude.

1. You are working full-time and are no longer able to do what you want any night of the week. Unfortunately, that's pretty much a fact of life for a full-time job.

2. You're 26, but new to full-time employement. You're having to do a mental shift from growing up to grown up, and I don't think anybody likes getting older.

3. You may be suffering from some mental issue, but no one here can diagnose that.

4. You may not like the kind of work you do.

5. The rewards of doing a good job are probably much less satisfying than you thought they would be.

6. You have a lot of physical energy but don't seem to have any way of burning it up. Maybe you should go out at night to a gym for an hour or two.

7. Maybe the emotional drain your clients put on you was unexpected (related to 5) and their issues are affecting how you feel.

You don't necessarily have to like your job, but you shouldn't hate it. You need to find out if it's the type of work you do, or if it's the life changes you've recently gone through that are making you feel this way. A therapist might help you work this out.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.

[Primer]

Have you been to see a doctor to be sure it's not something physical?

[raw456]

*hugs & Cookies*

I agree with Primer & Wagegoth, seek medical help. There may be a simple solution to your situation.

Keep us posted.

[Enjis]

I agree with the above posters. Seek help, whether medical or psychological. What you are going through is not a happy situation, and it worries me.
Please, please get some help. We care about you and want you to succeed.

[Jack Doe]

Dear Abby....

I'm going to tell this to you straight, and if I sound like an ass I apologize. Your problem isn't your job, isn't your customers, isn't a chemical imbalance, isn't anything except your motivation and the hard, hard realization that adult life isn't always fun.

You sound like you want to party, stay up to all hours, sleep 'till whenever, and go to a laid back, easy job where you work for a half-day and go home to lather-rinse-repeat the cycle.

That's great, for high school or college. Once you're in the real world and on your own, it ain't happening. You work, you sleep, you have fun on your day off and whenever you can squeeze it in. In between, you wash your laundry, clean your apartment, feed your pets, and occasionally bathe. You stand in line at the bank to deposit your hard-earned paycheck. You then break out your debit/credit card or checkbook and give away all but a scrap of it for bills. Light bulbs burn out, the milk spoils, and you've got clean the litter box. You've got to get up on an alarm, haul ass to do a job you don't enjoy as much as you thought you would with shitty customers that you don't, as an individual, really give a shit about.

And you'll look at it and wonder "Why the hell did I ever leave Mom/Dad's house? This sucks ass." And you'll be right. But you know what? This is what EVERY HUMAN BEING in the modern world feels like eventually. Because it's part of life to stop being a child at your mother's apron strings and grow up. In some parts of the world, this happens at 12-13. In some parts of the world, 30. For us, here in the Western world, it happens between 18-22. You're 26. A bit out of the "normal" range, but not so old. And this is why I say this to you.

Get motivated. There is something in you that made your bosses think you'd be good at the job. What is that? Me, I can't stand most of my job. Most of my customers are entitled shits who don't listen to me, don't want to hear what I have to say, and want it fixed but don't want to do anything to fix it. But I take pride in the fact that I'm one of the most knowledgeable agents in my company's call center. I take pride in the work I do, that I can keep my times down and still retain an almost 100% first call resolution percentage. I take pride in the fact that I pay my bills on time, I always have food in my home, I'm not on the dole, my wife and daughter are healthy and happy and I even get to take them out to dinner every few weeks.

If you aren't motivated by your job and your ability (which you must have, or else you wouldn't have been hired) then be proud that you are trying (and perhaps failing, but there is no shame in that as long as you did try your best) to be an ADULT, not some grown up uber-child who goes to work and earns a living, but never shakes themselves of their need for mommy and daddy.

With that said, I'd like to see you reply here with what YOU are GOOD at. And I want a list of no less than ten bullet-points, five WORK and five PERSONAL. Can you type at 100wpm? Great! Give a world shaking blowjob? Excellent! I don't give half a shit WHAT you put there, as long as there's at least 10 items and you're honest about them. Then I want you to read that list over, and over again until you get it through your still developing, soon to be ADULT brain that you ARE good at something, you ARE a good and capable person, and you WILL take pride in the fact that you ARE an ADULT, not some cheeky asshole with a mental imbalance. Because pride in yourself is the ONLY thing which will always motivate someone. And the faster you learn that, the faster you'll get out of this rut and end up one of those shiny, happy people that you are holding yourself up against.

(PS, but you know what the scary part is? If you do this, it'll happen, and you won't realize it until one day, you'll see someone who feels the way you did, and you'll end up telling them to take pride.)

[Sableonblonde]

I guess I'm really not motivated, but how do you force yourself to be motivated to do something you aren't enjoying? That's not a rhetorical question. I mean, I have the utmost respect for people who can go to jobs they don't necessarily love and still be in a good mood and be cheerful and helpful. Seriously, I'm in awe of that. I go anywhere - stores, restaurants, what have you - and anytime the employees are smiling and friendly I am surprised, and I think how if that was me I'd be snarling and pissy. It's like I don't handle stress very well. I'm either in a good mood or not in a good mood, and it doesn't seem to be up to me to determine which I will be in at any given time of the day.

2. You're 26, but new to full-time employement. You're having to do a mental shift from growing up to grown up, and I don't think anybody likes getting older.

Oh, this is far from my first full-time job. I've had jobs where I worked 60-80 hours a week, 6 days a week. This is cake compared to that. But since my most recent job was only 28 hours a week, I think part of it is that it is taking me awhile to get used to the change and the extra hours.

But I know I'm lucky to have the job that I do, so I'm just going to hang in there, it's all I can really do anyway I guess.

[Jack Doe]

I guess I'm really not motivated, but how do you force yourself to be motivated to do something you aren't enjoying?

...

It's like I don't handle stress very well. I'm either in a good mood or not in a good mood, and it doesn't seem to be up to me to determine which I will be in at any given time of the day.
.

You aren't motivated to do something you aren't enjoying. You start by doing the best you can do (that's why I wanted the ten items, and I still want them.) You take pride in doing a good job. That makes you feel good, and you are then even MORE motivated to do a good job. You do the job a bit better, which makes you feel a bit better, which motivates you to do an even better job, and so on. It's a self-fueling cycle, and it grows by very small bits and pieces. But the first step is showing yourself, in black and white, what you are good at (both at work and in your personal life.)

As far as handling stress or being in a good mood, that does NOT matter. All you have to do is make others THINK you are in a good mood. Smile (even if it's fake,) relax (even if you're wired,) and if things get stressful, take a moment and put the smile back on. That's what breaks are for.

[wagegoth]

I don't really like my job duties, but I really like the people I work with, the field I'm in, and the way I'm usually treated by the firm. To deal with it, I remind myself that I'm extremely lucky to be in the position I'm in. I am going to school, but I'm hoping to stay with the same firm, in the same group, after I get my degree, but doing something I'm more likely to enjoy.

The other thing that pushes me is my children. I have kids to support financially, so I don't have the option of doing something else that might pay less that I might enjoy more.

I have chronic depression, so getting up mentally to deal with people, especially since I don't really like dealing with people, is hard. Since I work in a law firm, the number of stupid people I have to deal with is diminished. Pushy and annoying people, yes, but not as many as when I worked in retail. Am I Miss Perky all the time? No. But I've learned that being friendly and having good manners even with people I can't stand pays off.

It may sound funny, but taking some drama classes in high school and college helped me with this. I act. I create a character. I assume a persona. I don't look at it as betraying my true self, but as a way to function in a world that doesn't care much for those outside the mold.

I've also been known to be happily smiling through a phone call, while mimicking stabbing and strangling the person I'm talking to. It's silly, but it helps.

[Buglady]

Do other people have these kinds of problems getting through a day? I feel so abnormal but maybe I'm not. I'm not a young kid anymore, I'm 26 and feel like I should be mature and stable and be able to hold down a job, but...I just don't know I get this great opprotunity and I screw around with it. But it's like, I go to work and feel like I'm spending all day in prison, and this blanket of gloom seems to cover me.

I have been there and done that and the t-shirt really sucks. Turns out, I have ADHD, undiagnosed until I was 31 years old, and I managed to develop a nifty anxiety disorder and depression while trying to cope with the chaotic world of ADHD. (Depression also can cause feelings of restlessness and irritability, it's not necessarily all about teh sad.)

You mention that you have always been a moody person. Have you also always had trouble staying focused, or is that a new thing? (Concentration, that is). I notice you say this has been a pattern with jobs, and that really caught my attention because I have done the same thing. I also find myself very vulnerable to getting sucked into office politics and conflicts, again just as a way to keep things interesting.

Talk to your doctor; get checked out for physical stuff like thyroid problems and gluten intolerance first (both can screw with your moods). Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, or a GP who is comfortable with mood disorders and adult ADHD (just to cover several bases), for a screening consultation.

EXERCISE. Doesn't matter if you go to the gym, walk around the block ten times, or do all your housework while dancing maniacally to your favourite songs (I highly recommend this but you should know that any cats in the house will laugh at you) - moving your body is GOOD for your brain and your emotions. Do it every day. It works best if you enjoy whatever activity you are doing - forcing yourself through a gym circuit you hate won't do as much for your mood - and evey little bit helps. You know this already or you wouldn't be doing jumping jacks in the bathrooms! For me, it was cycling. I started riding my bike to work and my attitude was ten thousand times better. For you, it may be yoga or kick boxing or something else entirely.

Talk to a counsellor to sort out what YOU want to do in your life and your career; sometimes the "oh sh*t I'm trapped" feeling at work is a symptom of a wider internal conflict. A counsellor can help a lot with this sort of thing.

A couple of books I've found really helpful are "The Dance of Fear" by Harriet Lerner and "Crazy Busy" by Ned Hallowell. Both talk about the way people react to stressful situations, especially in the workplace but also in personal relationships. They offer really sensible, down-to-earth suggestions for recognizing and managing stress and anxiety.

And hang in there - this is a tough time of year for many people, you are not alone by any means!

[Hyndis]

Hmm....the OP sounds disturbingly similar to my own story.

It turns out I'm a somewhat severe bipolar.

I have periods where I need almost no sleep at all and have literally endless energy, such that a job working 100 hours a week was no big deal (thats 100 hours on the clock, commute time was extra), or I was able to have a full time graveyard shift job while taking 21 units in college and getting a 3.8 GPA.

Those are the productive times.

Then, there are the not so productive times. I pay for all that energy later on, such that I become horribly depressed and utterly lethargic. I'll sleep 20 hours a day and still be too tired to do anything. I basically drop off the face of the planet during this period, but before I do so, I become more and more bitter, irritable, and downright angry. Part of it is as myself, part of it is directed towards the customers who have an endless amount of petty demands. I simply don't care at all about anything, and these bad times have pretty much always meant that I have left a job. I simply cannot bring myself to do the job anymore, and I know it, so rather than wait to get fired I put in my resignation while I still have a small amount of energy left. At least I'll go out with dignity.


I am not a doctor, and even if I was I could not diagnose you over a message board, but its a possibility. Your story is eerily similar to my own which is why I bring up this possibility.

[Sableonblonde]

No, I'm not bi-polar, my moods change a lot but they are not that severe.

I basically drop off the face of the planet during this period, but before I do so, I become more and more bitter, irritable, and downright angry. Part of it is as myself, part of it is directed towards the customers who have an endless amount of petty demands. I simply don't care at all about anything, and these bad times have pretty much always meant that I have left a job. I simply cannot bring myself to do the job anymore, and I know it,

I can definetly relate to this, though. That's how I've often felt in most of my jobs. I don't think it's related to depression, though. I'm just surprised more people care as much as they do. I've been feeling a lot better at work lately, to be honest. I think maybe a big part of it was all the stress of starting a new job and having to learn a whole lot of new things. I am trying my best not to rush or stress out and keep myself calm.

[MystyGlyttyr]

So far as people who still act cheerful and happy and all that...it's probably just that, an act. Most people who come in and deal with me comment on my professionalism, helpfulness and pretty smile, while not knowing that the entire time I'm helping them, my brain is screaming "SHUTUPDIEDIEDIESHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP". I often genuinely HATE most people just for having the discourtesy to interrupt my day, but only when they really truly cross the line does anyone become aware of it. I just plaster a huge bullshit grin on my face and go with it. Think of it as roleplaying, if you're into that kinda thing. (I'm roleplaying Dexter...a perfectly nice, bright guy with a raging killer underneath that no one can ever know about. HA!)

My job? Just like police work...eight hours of soul-searing boredom, ten seconds of complete and utter terror. The freaks and attacks are few and far between. Mostly I sit at my desk, typing the same things over and over again, in a time frame that's far too expansive for not enough work, and as blasphemous as it sounds, even CS.com gets dull after too many hours spent filling the time.

All that being said, it's normal to feel that way. Boredom and irritation are completely expected. The question is what you do about it. I've made a few little games for myself to keep things going...I "race" other coworkers on certain aspects...I try to finish three obits in the amount of time it takes the other clerk to finish her filing, I see how much I can mess with a customer without them realizing anything is up (a finer line than you'd think). Do equations at my desk to figure out how big an explosion there would be if every cell in a person's body exploded all at once (don't ask why). Stuff like that. There's ways to mix up the day without anyone knowing you're doing it.