Fantasy closing announcements *one swear!*

[RogueOne]

Or you could walk through the store telling people that "we don't have the droids you were looking for"

Or even better, have guys dressed as Stormtroopers at each aisle going "Move along, move along."

We are closed. If you don't get the fuck out in 1 minute, you will be shot. Survivors will be trampled by a marching band , shot again, then fed to the woodchipper.

[Drakstern]

I'd like to have a squad of employees who follow customers still in the store around doing the 'I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU' thing kids do.

That'd get me out of a store quickly.

[powerboy]

We are closed in 5 minutes. If you are not out by then, though shit, you are locked in, and beaten with a Singapore cane, until you are seconds from death. , and I would do it too, I have a Singapore Cane at home, and would use it, if I was able too, without going to jail.

[iradney]

My father has a few CDs that would get rid of people FAST! I would've loved to play them a few times when working at the CD store. And the Donut shop...
One CD was recorded in the 20's by some lady who thought she could sing opera. Needless to say, her offkey warblings in the "Queen of the night" aria makes our dog cringe. (Florence Foster Jenkins - the Glory (?) of the Human Voice)
Also, he has Michael Bolton sings Opera. Painful. so painful.
Then, there's the whistling preacher's wife. That's right - whistling with music. It's a South African CD (Called "Die Fluitende Predikant Vrou") so i'm not sure you guys could get it there.
But i'm relatively sure that'd get rid of anyone (and quite possibly most insects too!)

[NightAngel]

How about simply, "Get the Hell out!"
Then flick the lights on and off really fast and annoyingly.

Nope... never done that...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

My most favorite Irish pub, the Chalkman, which sprouts up like Brigadoon at Pennsic every year for two weeks then vanishes without a trace untill the next year, has a sign that says:

"Piss off! We're closed!"

[RogueOne]

Get Jay and Silent Bob signs


Open: I assure you, we're open.

Closed: Beat it, brown-eye, we're closed.

[danegrous_21]

i just wished we had a count down till closing time, b/c we dont it can be 2 mins to our official closing time and people can still come in. we normally close at 10, it can be 10:10,15 or 30 before we even say that we "remind" people that we close at 10, but let people still roam around. we use no forceful measure to leave.



now my fantasy
we would remind people form 30 mins out and then like that walgreens commerical once 10pm hits, the lights turn off and the doors lock. thats my close im tired of watchin people mill around after 10, thinking they have all the time in the world

[DarthRetard]

I have a couple to contribute. We don't have a PDA at the radioshack, so we need to improvise with our scare tactics. My idea(1):

1. From the breakroom, shut off the lights, and then on the stereo have The Imperial March ready to play in the store....

2. Then, as the music plays, you walk out silently, breathing heavily....pretending to interrogate someone (another coworker in on it) and then "strangle them" with the force as you tell them that they're lying about where the straggling customers are.

3. Sneak up on an elderly people possible.

OR

Play the Reel Big Fish song "I hate You, Fuck you, Leave me Alone!"

[Department stores *sigh*]

'Attention shoppers it is now 9 pm and we are closed. Please take your purchases to the south checkout and leave as soon as possible. As a reminder if you are here and not actively checking out then you are trespassing and will help our LPO's meet their arrest quota for the month. Thank you and get the hell out'

[AFpheonix]

We don't close, but if we did, I would hope for one like "Thank you for shopping, the store is now closed, please make your way to the registers. In 15 minutes we will be releasing the hounds:

[iradney]

1. From the breakroom, shut off the lights, and then on the stereo have The Imperial March ready to play in the store....

2. Then, as the music plays, you walk out silently, breathing heavily....pretending to interrogate someone (another coworker in on it) and then "strangle them" with the force as you tell them that they're lying about where the straggling customers are.

omigosh, that would be awesome - i would actually pay to see that

[Lulu]

This Christmas Eve I BEGGED my manager to use the following:

"Ladies and gentlemen...It is now 4pm, we thank you for shopping with us this year and we'd like to point out that as you are now officially breaking the UK trading laws by keeping us open, we will be forced to have anyone still on the premises thrown into the mystical "out back" where they will no doubt tide the Balrog's over till the new year's crop of shoplifters. BuBYE!"

[wagegoth]

The one I wished they would use when I worked at Nordstrom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is now 9:30 and our store is closed. Our employees are leaving because they have lives and wish to live them. If you are avoiding going home, may I suggest the club three blocks away. You may stay there until the 2:00 a.m. last call. There is also a 24-hour donut shop one block away, if the thought of going home makes you that miserable.

"And let me say, if you really dread going home or living life outside this retail establishment that much, then perhaps you should consider the services of one of the fine psychiatrists at the medical offices at the top of the hill. You can see them as you leave the store.

"Good night, good-bye, come back when you're on medication."

[dizzy_starshine]

Tonight we had a wonderful accident happen. We have a radio station playing and at 5 mintues to closing Leave by JoJo came on

get out (leave) right now
it’s the end of you and me
it’s too late (now) and I can’t wait for you to be gone

Me and my manager really had to bite our tongues to keep from laughing