Stroppy authors...urgh...

[Lulu]

I need to vent...so, I work in an independant bookshop, we occasionally buy direct from local, usually self published authors. I HATE doing this because without exception they're ALL incredibly vain and only ever got published in the first place because they paid to have their books printed themselves. In the trade, it's known as "Vanity publication". So today, one of our local authors phones in to check how many of his precious books we've sold. This isn't even slightly unusual because they're all obsessed with their sales figures. It's also worth noting that because of the silly publishing costs they have to pay to get any of the tat they wrote in print, they're incredibly stingy with the terms they offer to sell to US at...

Him: "Oh yes it's James. I want to know my monthly sales figures."
Me *inwardly cringing with dread already* : "Oh hello James, give me a second I'll just go check for you."

FYI...we hadn't sold a single one of his godawful thing, he does not respond to this well, naturally!

Him :"Well you're just not displaying it right are you!"
Me *already tired of this and seeing where it's going* :"Sir, it has a double face out in our thriller section. That's more than James Patterson has at the moment!"
Him :"I want you to promote it better! Do a sale on it!"
Me : "We don't generally discount local authors because the terms we buy them at don't allow us to do that."
Him :"I sold them to you for a ridiculosly low amount! Of course you can!"
Me *DYING to get him off the phone before he kicks off*: "You'll have to speak to the manager if you wish to change your terms sir."
Him:" This is NOT good enough! You're just not promoting my book!"
Me *sigh...all hope of a quick call lost* :"Sir, if you want to discuss your marketing I suggest you speak with the manager..."
Him *cutting me off* :"I SHALL young lady and your name will be mentioned too!"
Me *SO not caring anymore* :"Ok then, great, she'll be here from 9am next tuesday and just so you get it right my name is Lulu...that's L...U...L...U...and make sure you point out that we haven't sold any of your books despite the double face out at eye level! Thanks! BYE!"

My boss, for the record, will laugh herself silly...hehe I'm so sick of the self important attitude of them all! Good grief do you not think that an ACTUAL publisher might've picked up on your masterpiece by now if it were ANY good?!

[Becks]

Don't you see? The book is SO good, publishers everywhere FEAR it, because it will be the best selling book EVER. Yeah, that's it...

[Sofar]

Don't you see? The book is SO good, publishers everywhere FEAR it, because it will be the best selling book EVER. Yeah, that's it...

You may think it's funny but people actually think like that.

[Witch of Endor]

Aargh.

Maybe it's because I work for a huge bookstore, but all of our self-publishing and self-distributing authors seem to know that they also have to self-promote. Marketing isn't my department, but as far as I know, big publishers pay bookstores to feature their hot titles. We don't just slap any random book up on the front of the website and say 'here, everyone buy this!' because someone demanded it.

[Becks]

You may think it's funny but people actually think like that.

I know. I was kidding in a "some people are truly like this" kind of way.

[Gurndigarn]

I need to vent...so, I work in an independant bookshop, we occasionally buy direct from local, usually self published authors. I HATE doing this because without exception they're ALL incredibly vain and only ever got published in the first place because they paid to have their books printed themselves. In the trade, it's known as "Vanity publication".

OK, I have to ask... was it coincidence or not that your screen name happens to be the same as one of the self-publishing houses?

(My wife is an aspring writer... well, officially a professional now, but she has been trying for some time to sell novels, not shorter stuff. I finally got my favorite story of hers self-published (for me only) so I could read it in novel form, rather than manuscript, through Lulu.)

[Lulu]

Gurndigarn Actually, it's more the product of hippy parents, that's my real name Everyone in the trade I know keeps asking me why I'm not working for them tho lol

Incredibly, I just had an almost identical phonecall with another local author...please...save me from them...

[TNT]

When I was in the mental health business, one of the hardest decisions the treatment team had to make concerned a very schizophrenic client who wanted to publish a novel he'd written. We'd all read at least parts of the manuscript and it didn't take a literary genius to realize that it was among the most unintelligible books ever written. A phrase the Who's rock opera "Tommy" sums it up -- "sickness will surely take the mind where minds can't usually go."

Some thought going to print was the biggest waste of money they could imagine. Others thought that it may not have been the best idea, but it could actually help the client. I took a pragmatic approach... the printer he used seemed completely honest... "We are a printer, not a publisher. We print the book exactly the way you wrote it. We do absolutely no editing. Nor do we do any marketing. We deliver the books and then you're on your own." And when the client wanted to order a thousand copies, the printer said, "Let's start with 100. We can always print more if you need them." In short, the project wasn't expensive, so I was willing to vote for letting him go to print (legally, we couldn't have stopped him anyway).

Ultimately, the book was "published." What seemed weird in manuscript seemed utterly and hopelessly bizarre in print. The local bookstores were all willing to put a couple of copies on the shelves in case anybody wanted it. I don't know that anyone ever did. (Although staff at the agency and his friends bought enough copies that the client broke even on the deal).

I asked the client, "Is this really a novel?" He said, "I have to call it that. If people knew it was the truth, my life would be in great danger."

It's fascinating stuff... there are lots of books written about schizophrenia, and quite a few books by schizophrenics writing about their disorder. This is another level altogether... a novel produced by a delusional mind that doesn't know it's delusional. I still think it should be required reading in all abnormal psychology classes.

[Fera Festiva]

TNT - that story is fascinating. I'd actually love to read that book.

Back on topic...

One of the teaching staff at this college wrote and self-published a book. He insisted that the library get in a load of copies, prioritise them, make them short-loan only, etc. When the book arrived I had a look at it and funnily enough it was awful. As far as I could tell it was about going to France and then coming back, and possibly there was something about a donkey. I'm not even sure if it was a novel or what.

That was a couple of years ago, and not a single copy has ever been borrowed. Even when it's free nobody's interested.

[TNT]

TNT - that story is fascinating. I'd actually love to read that book.

Here's one randomly chosen paragraph:

"This part of the book, whole chapter, is shown to me and happening near August 4, 2000. The next episode is someone to see a book, want to, and can't steal, the screen has a doctor's sound, This person must go out of Here, and a lot of violence."

[Geek King]

Here's one randomly chosen paragraph:

"This part of the book, whole chapter, is shown to me and happening near August 4, 2000. The next episode is someone to see a book, want to, and can't steal, the screen has a doctor's sound, This person must go out of Here, and a lot of violence."

God help me, but I think I understood that. I really did.

I need help. I prescribe a weekend of making fun of people using 1337-speak on WoW for myself.

[SongsOfDragons]

I refuse to self-publish. So arrogant and up themselves if they do. I know when I'm writing crap (mostly the stuff I was writing three years ago - such an ellipsis-whore!!) so that's why I'm entering the competition...

[Rapscallion]

I've done self-publishing through xLibris. The book is awesome, by the way, but it's for something completely different. It's based around a game I moderate on, so you'd need to play the game to understand the story - it's aimed at the players.

I intend to publish the next four books as well, but I've not had time to even prod the manuscript in that time...

Rapscallion

[SongsOfDragons]

I've done self-publishing through xLibris. The book is awesome, by the way, but it's for something completely different. It's based around a game I moderate on, so you'd need to play the game to understand the story - it's aimed at the players.

I intend to publish the next four books as well, but I've not had time to even prod the manuscript in that time...

Rapscallion

Aye, see? That works. I assume you haven't got this crap story you think is 'like, wow' and after wallpapering with GTFO rejection letters you impose the work of crap on the world anyway...I'd love to get one copy of Hero if I don't get anywhere within 5 years or so.

Just seeing what you've done in book form would be great. Even more so if, like you Raps, you've invented a game-and-story tie-in with each other. I just can't stand those who think paying will get them on the bestsellers, or even on the sellers at all...if a professional publisher won't take it, don't y'think it would tell these people something?

[Rapscallion]

Thing is, I've spent years editing the tales of fourteen-year-old wannabe fiction authors, and I learned how to write decently by correcting them - that and practicing. As with all things, not everything you do will work.

There was one guy who tried to contact the owner of the game from ingame by using a command that all admins and moderators can see. He wanted to write a book about the game. One of the other moderators laughed online (in text) and said he hadn't a chance as the owner had given her permission. I got talking with her, and she was at thirty pages in Word format and happy with her result so far.

About a month later, I saw her on-line and asked how progress was. She'd been busy and was still at thirty pages.

I got thinking about that the next day and wondered just how hard it would be to write a piece of decent length. The stuff I edited/occasionally wrote rarely got over the two thousand word mark. On the first day, I used a scene or two from the game and built characters around them. I liked one name I came up with randomly and decided from the name that she's female, and I sort of took it from there. After three days, I had about seven thousand words, my first chapter, and plenty of aspects of a tale that could go in several directions. I fleshed that out to about ten thousand words, and the job was easy from there.

The hard part is cutting it down...

Amusingly, at about chapter three, I sent the files off to my manager in the game for her to amuse herself with. Her husband, the owner, saw a stack of papers and began to read the second chapter. Shortly after this, he began reading the third, and the first, and then wanting much more. He told me he approves everyone who wants to write about the game as he knows nobody would finish it. He's had people come to him with book ideas, movie ideas, cartoon ideas, and even claymation ideas, and none of them came to anything.

By the way, I'm under no illusions that I'm doing it for me. I've not taken it to any publishers.

Rapscallion