Workday Phrases of Lore and Legend

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

"I'm not sure Warren Buffet can understand my plight."

[Midorikawa]

"Masturbating monkeys are always right when it comes to security!"

[Spiffy McMoron]

There's one thing worse than stupid, and that's cocky stupid.

[Midorikawa]

"mmm...topless warrior princesses..."
"yuck. I want mine to be topless and stupid!"
"but she's topless and smart! not to mention uber fit!"
"yuck."

"Obviously you haven't spent as much time in Tennessee as me. Half a cat can be a barrel of fun!"

[RestaurantDude]

"Don't eat that, Kirby made it."

"Ugh! This tastes like twice boiled ass oil!"

"No, the health inspector does not need to see the blow up doll you keep in your truck"

"That isn't a spoon, kevin"

"It wasn't me! I swear!"

"Has anyone seen the lubricant?"

"why does the trailer smell like dead hookers?" "What do dead hookers smell like?" "Go sniff the trailer!"

"Can we go the fuck home yet?" "Hey, watch the f-bomb." "Can we go the bitch home yet?"

"Ugh... it feels like a midget took a shit in my brain last night"

[sarasquirrel]

"i want it as far as you can do it"

[HawaiianShirts]

J: If I was a guy, I don't think I could use a urinal.
Me: Why not?
J: It would be embarrassing! I couldn't just stand there and let everybody see my underwear.
Me: Two words--zipper fly.
J: ... ... ... so you ... ... Ohhh!

[Spiffy McMoron]

Yeah, so they opened up a Lavalife account for me under my name, but won't give me access to it. The first date I got from it didn't go well.

[KabeRinnaul]

"Think of it like hills and valleys. More work is higher, and less work is lower. JR just constantly rolls towards the least amount of work."



Me: *tosses the SCO remote's strap over K's head* Hey K, wanna die by SCO?
K: What? No. I'm not trained over there.
Me: No, I was going to kill you with SCO. I was about to garrote you. That's the point.
K: Garrote..? Oh, with the strap! Isn't that just choking me?
Me: No, no. You choke with the hands, you garrote with a rope.
K: Should I be worried that you know these things? Do you get Serial Killer Weekly or something?

[crazylegs]

If I told you I'd have to kill you.
That's ok, I've got nothing planned this evening...

[Midorikawa]

"Dude. If after fapping, SHIT goes everywhere, you should go see a doctor. Seriously."

[coldcupofjoe]

(singing) 'Put the wrong screw in, pull the wrong screw out, put the right screw in and tighten it on down, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, and that's what it's all about.'

Salesman1 'So, my wife thinks I'm gay now.'
S2 'Wait, your married? To a woman? Really? How did you manage to convince her you were straight long enough to pull that off?'
S1 'Dammit! I AM straight!'
S3 'That's not what your wife told me.'

'There I was, on the beach, naked, watching the sun set, when I suddenly realized that I was the only naked person on the beach, and that I wasn't at a nude beach.'

[Princess-Snake]

"So I told the judge, 'I was driving and the light turned yellow, so I sped up before it turned red.' and he told me I was guilty! The light wasn't even red yet!"

[Rapscallion]

"Two minutes of diarrhea?"

Rapscallion

[RestaurantDude]

"Slap that b*tch in the rack, and get over here!" (While working on a server relocation.)