Job Application Hilarity

[Whiskey]

I didn't see a thread about this. I'm applying for work online since I can't particularly get around town right now and these applications are.. woo talk about company brainwashing.

"I love working at McFastFood! Its fast paced, stimulating and the customers are GREAT!!!"

"Welcome to Hiring to Win." (same store)


On the flip: I love In-n-Outs application. They know people hate apps online and actually made fun of the process.

"That was long, you still awake over there? Great! Keep going, you're almost done!"

Post funny stuff. I demand funny!

oh gosh, craigslist ads.

LOOKING FOR FAST LEARNING CASHIER

CUSTOMER SERVICE A MUST NEED GAS STATION EX

CUT AND PASTE RESUME!! DO NOT ATT

GOOD HOURS AVLB

[r2cagle]

Craigslist.. = http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/ my second favorite site after this one.

[Whiskey]

^Well i'm not napping before work now.

I applied to Macys, and before the standard "totally not unicru questionaire" they posted this happy disclaimer that basically said "if you post answers that make you seem like a better person than you are we will know and we will state that with your results!"

O_O Alright guys, I'm a bi-polar, agoraphobic, mess who drinks a bit too much. I hate people, I hate dealing with people, and I have horrible teeth. However, I've been homeless and I'm not going back so if you hire me I will dance and dance as your trained monkey in anyway you please so long as you give me enough hours and pay me on time and in full.

Yeap, I see that flying well.

Applying to a place thats, literally, across the street. I laughed a little when answering "Do you have reliable transportation to get to work?" Well unless both ankles break..

edit: OS Discrimination "Note: Linux users will not be able to access HDAS via Firefox. They must use a PC or Mac."

[Krivak]

O_O Alright guys, I'm a bi-polar, agoraphobic, mess who drinks a bit too much. I hate people, I hate dealing with people, and I have horrible teeth. However, I've been homeless and I'm not going back so if you hire me I will dance and dance as your trained monkey in anyway you please so long as you give me enough hours and pay me on time and in full.
."

Call me nuts, but that combined with your attendance record would be prreeetttyy good for me. Then again, that could be cause i read your threads a lot... o.O

[telecom_goddess]

Craigslist.. = http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/ my second favorite site after this one.

Ugh I hate you....I never heard of this site before and now i'm hooked....it's all your fault

[trailerparkmedic]

Some of the unicru type questions I've been answering lately just make me stare in disbelief--do people actually answer these the wrong way??

Two of my favorites:
"I'm too busy having fun to focus on work right now."
"I don't like working with people." (for a cashier position)

[ArcticChicken]

oh gosh, craigslist ads.

Every time I look at craigslist ads there is at least one that makes me want to write to them and say "I am in no way interested in your job, but if you give me 20 bucks I'll spell check your ad and even give it complete sentences."

[Whiskey]

Some of the unicru type questions I've been answering lately just make me stare in disbelief--do people actually answer these the wrong way??

Two of my favorites:
"I'm too busy having fun to focus on work right now."
"I don't like working with people." (for a cashier position)

The catch is they rephrase it to make it sound entirely different to see if your answer is the same

"I dont like working with people" is tied to 'I prefer to work independently' or whatever.

[malmalthekiller]

I worked at a supermarket chain for a few years between 16-21, and I had to reapply every time I came back from school (flawed system, yes). One of my favorite questions was always "I have thought about doing something, which, had I done it, would have been a crime."

[Pedersen]

edit: OS Discrimination "Note: Linux users will not be able to access HDAS via Firefox. They must use a PC or Mac."

Most sites that say that are made by people who don't know what they're talking about. Try the Firefox User Agent Switcher extension, pretend to be a Windows user with IE6, and you're very likely to get through just fine.

Oh, and don't forget to switch back when you're done. No need to mess up other sites thanks to that broken one.

[NateTheChops]

The Old Navy questionaire actually asks, "Will you be financially stable with what we pay you?"

Unless I miss my guess that question is actually illegal.

[LillFilly]

On a job aptitude test for another job, my coworker got mixed-up over which buttons were for yes/no; so he admitted to being an ex-felon, pregnant, on drugs, having had psychiatric care, etc. No wonder he wasn't hired!!!

[RetailWorkhorse]

As seen on a paper application (which the unemployment office for this area gave to someone and should know that we only take electronic apps):
Are you eligible to work in this county?: NO.

Suffice to say, D called the applicant and asked her to come in and redo it.

O_O Alright guys, I'm a bi-polar, agoraphobic, mess who drinks a bit too much. I hate people, I hate dealing with people, and I have horrible teeth. However, I've been homeless and I'm not going back so if you hire me I will dance and dance as your trained monkey in anyway you please so long as you give me enough hours and pay me on time and in full.

I would hire you in an INSTANT if only to watch you dance like a trained monkey.

[ArcticChicken]

I can never keep track of those stupid unicru questions. I think I answered consistently this time.

I also realized that every time I've applied at this particular job, I've misread the availability question. They want you to check off the times you can't work, I've been checking off the times I can work. I feel really dumb.

[EvilEmpryss]

The Old Navy questionaire actually asks, "Will you be financially stable with what we pay you?"

Unless I miss my guess that question is actually illegal.

Don't you know that the military doesn't follow the same rules as civilian jobs?

Seriously, though, they need to know if you will be solvent because financial difficulties are one of the first things that spies (supposedly) key in on when trying to subvert our forces. On the outside world, no one but your collectors give a crap if you can't pay your bills. Fall behind in the military and you'll be doing the walk of shame into your CO's office to explain why your credit report is so awful.

Expect formal reprimands if you actually hold a Top Secret security clearance.

If you go too far with your debt, you can actually be dishonorably discharged, which wrecks havoc with your ability to find gainful employment thereafter. Trust me... I've seen this one happen a guy who just couldn't say no to the sex and the General -- American General Financing company, that is, and 1-900 sex numbers.

As for those employment questions, a lot of companies are pulling pieces from psychological tests of personality. They aren't always using them correctly, but they like to think that they're being scientific in their hiring practices. Ignore the psychologists behind the curtain questioning the validity of the tests... they're just jealous that they didn't come up with ways to sell the questions to the generally undereducated HR public for profit.