The Customer Handbook

[Retail's Bitch]

We all get those handouts, handbooks, paperwork, leaflets and brochures to fill out when we get hired. Those pages and pages of legalese and rules of what we can wear, when we can eat, how we must behave. So I thought... Why not make up a handbook for our customers? I'm sure some of the old timers remember that thing I typed up from the grocery store about rolling out the red carpet and putting on our Customer Hats. LOL. This'll be in the same cheery, but sarcastic vein.

Open yours with your cheery store rah-rah horse apples and go from there!

I'll start.


Hi! Welcome to the "No We're not Kinko's Print shop!" and congratulations on joining the NWNKPS! customer team! First things first!

Yes, we need the entire credit card number when you're purchasing things! It allows our accountants to actually take the money out of your account! Funny thing that!

We also need you to not use the main copier without staff supervision. There's a rather large sign on the copier in red lettering asking you to ask us to help you. Thanks! :-)

When we here at NWKPS! tell you to fill out the shipping form in its entirety. We mean the entire thing. Don't get upset when we use the information provided to type up a shipping label and we show it to you and it doesn't match the information in your head. Sorry! We know we're super here at NWKPS! but we're not superhuman!

Put on your employee hat and get into our shoes, and take a stroll over to the staff computer where the employee is diligently typing up your shipping label. Ooops! Did you see her make a typo? That's okay! Take a deep breath and go back to the counter and leave her be! Everybody makes mistakes and that's what the backspace key is for! :-) And don't worry, they'll make sure the address is correct and let you double check the print out. Sit tight! Patience is a virtue!

Oh did you want business cards!? That's great! Our graphic artist will be with you in a moment! Did you want the cards created by our professional graphics team or did you have a file? Do you have a file?! That's great! But it must be in Adobe Illustrator format! Microsoft Word is for word documents! That's great! We love team work here at NWKPS!

Dress appropriately for the indoor conditions as well as outdoor. Our staff here at NWKPS! wears short sleeved polo shirts year round and our offices are kept at a toasty 72 degrees - 79 in winter. Please be considerate to the staff at NWKPS! when they ask you to not prop open the door and let in all the cold air.

Have a great day! :-)

[Kristev]

I feel like I've been bashed by a baseball bat.

[Kitten in the box]

Hi! Thamk you for choosing *ACME Grocery Outlet for all your shopping needs. We strive hard to make sure your shopping experience is a pleasent and enjoyable one at best. Here are some helpful hints that will help you enjoy your shopping experience.

1.Please be clear on what item you can't seem to find on your own. Be descriptive. Please refrain from saying that you are lookinf for "yellow" or "the thing for the thing." As super as we are we are not mind readers and sometimes need to know exactly what it is you cannot find.

2. You will find our prices quite reasonable for the most part. However we cannot just lower prices just for you....however there have been some exceptions (i.e. price will not scan, cannot find price on shelf for said item, damaged product etc) please leave that to management discretion though. OUr wonderful cashiers sometimes cannot just lower a price without management approval.

3. Although we do do refunds on most product we here sell at ACME, liquor, ciggs, and baby formula are not part of it. Please do not ask.

4. Like many of you, we at ACME are entitled to break and meal periods throughout the day. So if you see us walk on by you ignoring eye contact its not because we don't like you....its because we are on our breaks/lunchtimes and need that time for ourselves. Feel free to find someone else wearing an apron to see to your needs.

5.We realize that there are many "dull tools" in the "toolshed" but please...please refrain from excessive stupidity when asking for our help.

6. We at Acme leave for the day at certain times....if you need assistance please refer to hint #4. (*note in an ermergency this is null and void)

7. You will notice we have wonderful security guards that will happily escort you from the premisis should you have the uncontrollable urge to threaten our staff or throw giant size fits should something not go your way. *police assistance may be required should you persist and pose to be a bigger problem.

well thats it. we hope these helpful hints will make your shopping experience more enjoyable and once again...Thank You for choosing Acme Grocery Outlet.

[Racket_Man]

Thank you for choosing to order delivery from Weird Pizza Place.

First off Please PLEASE know, by heart, the following information
1. your name

2. your correct current address (if you need help with this please consult a peice of mail or your lease) Please note that "The yellow house in the middle of the block" or " the house near the corner of X and Y St" is NOT valid address. Also please inform the order taker of any special instructions or directions that need to be on the order such as " upper floor back door on the right" or "right side door near the mailboxes" or "Apt #3 basement door in back" or "go to the back of the property and look for the servant's type dwelling"

2b. if you are currently staying at a hotel please have the exact name of the hotel AND your room number ready (and if possible the phone number for the hotel. this helpful number is located on the phone in your room). this will insure proper routing and prompt delivery of your order.

3. your current WORKING phone number. yes it might surprise you that we do indeed need a working phone number but situations do arise where we need to contact you if a problem occurs. Please do NOT give the order taker your phone number from 4 years and 3 apts. ago.

Placing your order.

1. please decide or have a good idea what you would like to order BEFORE placing the call to Weird Pizza Place

1a. if you are having a party step #1 is VERY important as this will speed up the order taking process
1b. if you are having a party please be considerate of the order taker. it is very hard to take an order with 50 poeple yelling in the background
1c. if you are having a party PLEASE turn the volumn of the stereo down to a low rumble. again it is very hard for the order taker to hear the correct order when your speech is distorted
1d. if you are having a party or gathering and you have followed the above steps it should NOT be necessary to ask each and EVERY person at the party what they want.

2. Please speak clearly
2a if you are using a cell phone or a wireless home phone, please make sure you are in a place where the signal strength is acceptable.

3. there will be times that we no longer have a "favorite" product. this is not a decision that we at the store make and the fact we are NOT offering product any longer is not becasue " We do not like you" or a related reason. we apologise for the "inconvience" this "may cause" you but these decisions are made elsewhere.

4. PLEASE listen when the order taker repeats your order back to you. this will ensure you receive the correct order.

5. please be aware that certain side items are no longer FREE but are available for a nominal charge. if you wish to have 6 sides of Ranch dressing with your order there WILL BE an extra charge of $3.

6. please listen to the information that your order taker gives you reguarding your order. these can include BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:
a. the total with sales tax and delivery charge
b. the Estimated Time of Arrival (or ETA) for your order
c. your perfered payment method

Paying for your order

we ONLY accept the following methods of payment
1. cash
2. credit card
3 debt card
4. Business checks

we DO NOT accept the following methods of payment
1. personal checks
2. EBT type cards ie. food stamp cards
3. money orders
4. sizeable amounts of coins
5. large currency such as a $50 or $100 bill for a small order. our drivers do NOT carry large amounts of cash on them.

Waiting for your order

after you have placed your order please have the courtsey to NOT do any of the following
1. fall asleep
2. take a long hot shower
3. turn up the music to ear spliting earthquake levels
4. get "busy" with your partner
5. fail to inform any one else in the dwelling that you ordered delivery food
6. leave your dwelling for "trival" reasons.
your order may arrive eariler than expected. if you are NOT present this will cause a delay in deliveriing your order as the driver is NOT required to wait for an excessive amount of time

things that you SHOULD do after you place a delivery order.
1. turn on your porch light. this will help the delivery driver find your house
1a. please place your address/house numbers in a highly visable and obvious location.
2. corral any unruly or dangerous pets. the driver is NOT responcible for any "escapes".
3. if you are paying with cash, please gather up the necessary funds so they are immediately ready when the driver arrives at your dwelling.

end of part 1

[Mytical]

((Technically not customer related, but ...))

All Visitors please note.

1) This is a place that has very strict regulations, deviation from these regulations can and will get you thrown out on your ear. Most of these are in place do to Federal Regulations, we will not deviate from those regulations for anybody.

2) Know who you are here to see, full name, and department. "Smith", "Human Resources", or "Trainer" are insufficient, and will delay your entrance greatly.

3) Have your ID ready. It WILL be scanned before you enter the premises. Yes REALLY. If you visit, and you do not have ID, you do not get in. No exceptions are made.

4) Please know that we have the right to search you, your belongings, your vehicle, anything you carry in, and especially anything you carry out. Yes, that can include full cavity searches if you upset the officer on duty.

5) Do not upset the officer on duty. They do have the authority to escort you out, and if necessary call the police to have you arrested for trespassing. Or initiate number 4, though believe me its the last thing any of us want to do.

6) Be prepared to wait. Especially if the person you are here to visit did not know you are coming to visit. They could be in a clean room, half way across the facility, and it could take HOURS before they can come out. Again, those pesky Federal Regulations.

7) If an officer gives you instructions, be aware it is for your own best interest to follow them. Evacuate now, does not mean "When you feel like it". There are very high pressure machines on the premises, if something goes wrong, you do NOT want to be in the building.

8) If sirens go off, see number 7. Act as if the officer has just said "Evacuate now." Do so in a orderly fashion, but do so quickly.

9) Horseplay, fights, or unruly conduct will not be tolerated. Not only are there sensitive machines in many places, there are fragile and sometimes highly dangerous machines in many places. Officers can and will remove you from the premises for violating this rule.

10) Finally, we have you on camera pretty much from the moment you step through our gate. Do not try to exit without coming to the security desk. We must see if you have anything you did not come in with. Failure to do so will cause the officers to automatically assume you are trying to take something you should not off the premises. The police WILL be notified, and your information given to them. Which is why we scan the ID. FDA frowns on things coming up missing, and we do not want to anger the FDA.

edit : Forgot to add a VERY important one.

11) Cell Phones, Cameras (video or not), or any manner of device that can take a picture can not be taken in without prior authorization from Management. It will be confiscated. If somehow you slip one past us, and it is seen on the dozens and dozens of cameras we have everywhere..it will be taken. Any shots will be deleted, or if that is not possible, the device WILL be destroyed. We are not responsible for refunding you any money that this may cause you to lose. There are signs EVERYWHERE about this, and it is unimportant if you read. We WILL tell you this before you get through the door, twice. Yes, our conversations are recorded.

12) You can and will be recorded at all times. Voice and video. Get use to it, deal with it, telling us NO does absolutely nothing.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Hi and welcome to Orange Bag Petrol Station. Please enjoy your stay; it will be a lot more enjoyable if you were to do the following:

1. Before you enter our establishment, please try to have a vague idea of how to put fuel in your car. It's a fairly straightforward process, and will only take a couple of minutes for you to review the basics.

2. If, for whichever reason, (laziness, can't be arsed, or, rarely, being disabled), you are unable to perform this task, please understand that the petrol station staff are often dealing with a massive queue of customers at peak times so will not instantaniously appear at your car to help you. Leaning on the horn or bellowing for assistance are not helpful and will not get you help any quicker. The best option is to come during off peak business hours to ensure that you get your assistance quickly.

3. Please keep all small children in the car at all times. A petrol station forecourt is a dangerous place for the under fives, what with the steady flow of traffic and use of toxic substances. If you must bring them into the shop with you when you come to pay, keep them with you and don't let them grab at merchandise or climb on shelving.

4. If you feel the need to use your mobile phone or have a sudden nicotine craving, then kindly leave the forecourt first since there is a risk of explosion. We petrol station staff may be bored, but causing a conflagration is not the way to make our day exciting. Also, if you ignore the restrictions and light up/get out your mobile, do not complain if you are gently corrected and your pump is switched off.

5. As referred to in point 2, there are times of the day where the petrol station will become a hive of activity. In these particular time periods, you will be required to wait a few minutes before your pump is activated. Waving at us, yelling thru the windows, banging on the glass etc is not the way to get your pump activated any quicker and will in fact cause a delay as you are required to stay with your hand on the petrol hose at all times. Also, do not whine about having to wait in line. Also, running up to the front of the queue, banging your money down and running to the door will result in said door being closed and you gently being told to wait your turn.

6. The petrol station shop stocks a few essentials like bread, milk, eggs etc as well as chocolate, sweets, crisps, sandwiches etc. We do not however stock everything the supermarket over the road stocks, and it is a pointless exercise to demand such items as baby food, cat food, washing powder etc as you will be told to visit the supermarket. Sighing, groaning or demanding that the petrol station staff act as your personal shoppers is not permitted.

7. There will be times when, due to excessive demand or problems with supply, that we run out of certain shop items, cigarettes or fuel. No, we do not keep a secret supply round the back; you will simply have to choose an alternative or wait til we get a new supply in. With fuel, if we have run out of, say, unleaded petrol, it is nearly always due to a problem on the other end, such as a tanker being diverted due to traffic problems, or a problem with the tanker bay. Yelling at us will not make fuel appear in our pumps. Also, saying you will go elsewhere will also not make said fuel magically appear. Kindly exercise maturity and patience.

8. It may come as a surprise to you, but we petrol station staff are entirely human and not simply unthinking robots. This means that we do not take kindly to being yelled at, sworn at and called names due to circumstances beyond our control, such as the issues raised in point 7, or perhaps cuz you do not have the necessary ID to prove that you are old enough to purchase tobacco products. Doing so will merely ensure that you are removed from the petrol station by security and if this is not a first offence, barred forthwith.

9. In these harsh economic times, there may be instances where you feel that you are owed by us and therefore choose to drive off without paying for your fuel. If this happens, then a visit by the police will be in order and you will be given the option to come in and pay. If you wisely choose this option to the alternative of being arrested, please bear it as pleasantly as you can. Whinging about the unfairness, claiming that you forgot and were going to come back next month and pay, muttering insults under your breath; these are not recommended. If you wish to avoid such unpleasantness in future, please note the cameras which we have in prominant places on the forecourt. Since it is inevitable that you will be caught, it is best if you bring money along and pay for your fuel.

10. The petrol station is not a twenty four hour one, therefore it has to adere to strict opening and closing times. These are non negociable as the aforementioned human staff require to go home at the end of the day. Begging, whining and bitching will not change these times one iota. Driving thru the back way when the front is closed off will also have no effect; nor will screaming that you have a dry tank or need milk/cigarettes/bread. You will simply be told to either return tomorrow when we reopen or be directed to the petrol station down the road.

Thank you again for choosing to patronise Orange Bag Petrol Station; we hope that these tips will make your experience with us more satisfying and enjoyable.

[Chrismor]

Can someone please tell me why I am picturing a kinda cheesy video to go along with these, sort of like an airplane safety video, but less serious and more OTT?

Oh, and before it is pointed out to me, yes, I do need psychiatric help. That's why I'm here.

C.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I'd love such a video to go along with my customer handbook. XD Maybe like one of those faux old fashioned ones, complete with musical backup and black and white visuals.

[Chrismor]

Oh, I like it, a silent movie style one. Good thinking.

[Kitten in the box]

Acme Groc Outlet: Customer's guide to fast and friendly shopping pt 2

Welcome to part 2 of our handbook. Earlier we explained the basic do's and don't of shoppinng. Now we move on to part 2.
1. Acme has a schedule in which it is open and which it closes. We have the times posted on each of our enterances/exits. However there are some exceptions...during holidays we close earlier than normal so we too can enjoy the holidays. Such times are posted when appropriate. Looking in and trying to flag down employees when store is closed will only make you foolish....as Acme employees will not respond unless it is a bonafide emergancy.
2. We at ACME are not responsible for damaged to your car or personal belongings therein. You use the parking lot at your[COLOR="black"] OWN[/COLOR] risk. We advise that you do not leave valuables inside the car when shopping.
3. If you bring Fido with you he is to be left in your (ventilated) car. Only service animals are permitted inside Acme. NO EXCEPTIONS. Also if Fido is in the car please let us know [COLOR="black"]AHEAD OF TIME[/COLOR] that you brought him along and if he is friendly or not. We do not know your dog nor he us. The last thing YOU need is a lawsuit pertaining to an unprovoked dog attack should Fido decide he does not require our help putting your groceries in your vehicle. If your Fido is not friendly please leave him home or refrain from asking for our help.
4.We try and keep our lines moving and fast. Do not banshee scream if we do not have the manpower to magically open another line. Also it is advised that you do NOT try and cut other patrons in line. We may not be physically able to stop you but other patrons of the store can and will do so. It has been seen many times.

5. We understand the need to use bathrooms and we have supplied toilets for you to use. Please make it inside the toilet... even preschoolers can do that so you can do it too. If you cannot and will not make it inside the toilet then either go back to diapers until you are toilet trained or....no wait....just go back to diapers.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Purchasing Furniture From The Clearance Swamp:

First in series of instructional lectures on shopping at the Clearance Swamp. Maybe. If I feel like it.

So you have chosen to purchase a piece of furniture from the Clearance Swamp's wide selection. Why, dear God, why? Congratulations and we hope you are happy with your purchase. Here are some tips to make your furniture-buying experience more enjoyable.

-Each item has a display built with small tickets in the amount of the stock of that item we have on hand. To purchase an item or items, take one ticket for each item you want and hand it to the cashier when checking out.
--When buying multiples of the same item, do not hand the cashier one ticket and tell him/her you want more than that. This causes the tickets not to match what we have in stock, and can lead to lost sales.
--Displays are not for sale unless and until the item goes on clearance and the display is the last of that item left. Whining, shouting, threats and general asshattery will get you nowhere. We don't need to waste payroll assembling new displays. You can get a rain check instead.
--Furniture pull tickets are not playthings. Please make at least some effort to keep your children from grabbing tickets so they can play 52 Pick Up with them.

-Displays of barstools can be taken off the shelves so you can sit on them or see how tall they are. If you do take down one of the displays, please put it back on the shelf when you are finished. Otherwise, God and Corporate willing, we will secure the display barstools to the shelf and/or pegboard so they can't be moved.
--Displays of storage cabinets and bookcases are mounted to the pegboard behind them and thus cannot be moved. This is so that your children, or maybe just you, cannot pull these items down and be crushed, killed, or destroyed when they fall. No, I will not remove these items from their mountings. If you really must know, I really don't want to make a sale if it requires me to dislodge these displays. I don't really want to read about you being killed when you tipped your assembled cabinet forward and got flattened beneath it because you filled it with anvils or something.

-When purchasing barstools, please be advised there is a nifty new invention called the "measuring-tape," which can be used to ascertain how high a table or counter top is off the ground, and how high a barstool's seat is. Chances are you may have one or more of these wonder-implements in your home. Please find it and use it.

So you've made your selection(s) and a clearance swamp employee has been paged to carry your purchases to your vehicle for you. For further enhancement and enjoyment of the purchasing process, please keep the following in mind.

-General rule of thumb: unless buying small items like bookcases or barstools, a truck, van or SUV is best for getting your item(s) home.
--If your item(s) do not fit inside your vehicle, we can hold your purchase(s) for a day or two while you beg, borrow or hotwire a larger vehicle. Please do not ask the store employee to take the item(s) out of the box(es) and play Tetris trying to fit them inside your vehicle.
--Select a vehicle that is as free of garbage as possible. Sometimes the store employees have to climb inside your vehicle to load your item(s). Shimmying across old cigarette butts, banana peels and food wrappers will result in the employee looking less like the consummate professional the store wishes to pass him/her off as, and more like the local bag person.
--Leave children at home or with a babysitter if possible. Children diminish the cargo-carrying capacity of your vehicle. If your item(s) shift and your 7-year-old daughter suddenly interrupts her dissertation on the Pythagorean Theory to marvel at her shiny, shiny shoes, and starts drooling profusely, you'll just blame the store for her brain surgery anyway.
--The use of bungee cords and/or twine to tie down a trunk or hatch because your item is sticking out is fine, but you must apply the string and/or bungee cords yourself. We're not going to be responsible if your gas grill comes bouncing out of your Pontiac G6's trunk and causes a fiery pileup behind you as drivers try to avoid hitting it.
--If delivery and/or assembly of your furniture is a problem, we do offer assembly and delivery services through a third-party company. Do not laugh at the salesperson when he/she tells you the prices for these services. You're the one trying to buy something you may not be equipped to put together or even haul home.

-Before loading your purchase(s), the employee must get a duplicate receipt for your purchase from the cashier and have the item(s) checked off by a service desk employee or a member of management. Do not stand nearby and huff, puff, sigh, tap your foot, or otherwise show signs of impatience. He/she is required to do this, as LP will have his/her ass in a sling if this is not done.

[snugglegirl05]

Visitor parking

For the customers
Please understand that the attendant did not make the decision that Visitor parking is a $5.00 flat fee. The officials at the university she works at as a contract parking attendant made the decision. The attendant has no control over the decisions the university officials make.

Please understand that the Visitor parking attendant cannot give you free parking. No matter what you tell the attendant when you arrive at the Visitor parking booth, she cannot give you free parking. There are 2 signs posted at the Visitor parking entrance stating that Visitor parking is $5.00 as well as 3 signs inside the Visitor parking garage. If you want free parking, then you have to go to the Parking office & ask them.

Please understand that the attendant cannot raise the exit gate for you when you press the button on the call box. No matter what you tell her, she cannot do that. Reasons why you want the attendant to raise the gate...

• I do not want to back up & pay for my parking inside the bldg.
• I need to exit
• I am in a hurry

Your options are either to have the attendant transfer the call to the parking office or to go to them to see what they can do for you. That's it.

Please understand that if Visitor parking is full, then it is full. The attendant cannot make parking spots appear out of the blue for you when it is full.

For anyone attending an event when Visitor parking is reserved:
Please understand that the Visitor parking attendant works full time, & so yes, she has to go to the bathroom at some point. The Visitor parking attendant works from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. When Visitor parking is reserved, the full sign will be on. This prevents anyone who is not here for the reserved event from entering the garage. The attendant will post 2 signs at the Visitor parking booth stating to call the Parking office at... if there are any problems before leaving the booth. The parking office manager made those 2 signs. The Visitor parking attendant has no control over how things work at the university. You will have to take that up with the Parking office. Please do not give the Visitor parking attendant a hard time if she *gasp!* goes to the bathroom. Since the attendant knows where you work at *Visitor parking was reserved for an event sponsored by the President's office & you & several guests who attended the reserved event worked at another campus within the university system, & so the attendant can look up your information in the Outlook address book*, the next time she wants a day off, she will call you & tell you that you need to cover for her on that day. She will make sure that the specific day she will not be at work will by very busy due to an all day reserved event & that a guest here for the reserved event will complain to you about your leaving the booth unattended for any reason even though they were able to exit or enter while the booth was left unattended.

[MoonCat]

Dear Customer:

Thanks for calling. Let's keep it short and simple. I need your billing information--phone number first, then name and address. Please don't start out by reading off the text of your ad; I have nowhere to put it until I fill in your billing info. Yes, that is the way the computer works. No, I can't "just give you some prices" until all this is filled in.

You had to wait on hold for five minutes? Be glad it wasn't longer than that. In the old days customers waited for over 30 minutes at our peak times. So stop whining.

Please don't argue with me about company policy or federal regulations. No, we don't accept ads for handguns. I didn't make this policy. I still have to abide by it. No, we can't say "elderly only", "male only" or "no children" in an apartment-for-rent ad. Don't like it? Write to the feds.

Please think about what you want your ad to say. Contrary to popular belief, it's not my job to write the ad for you. I can make suggestions, but you have to give me some info first. I don't know anything about your car, your apartment or the job you're trying to fill.

Some ad classifications have a mandatory format. Cars, for ex., go "make-year-model", so that means your ad will read "Chevrolet 2004 Corvette," not " '04 Vette." It doesn't matter that everyone knows a Corvette is made by Chevy. I have to do it this way.

NO, we can't bill you. Have your full credit card number and expiration date handy. If it's not your credit card, we may have to call the card owner and verify it, which may cause a delay in getting your ad in the paper. Or the card owner could call in the ad and use their own card. That would be easier all around.

If your Great-Aunt Bertha died in this area, the funeral home must place the notice, not you. Trust me, it will be a lot less trouble this way, for you and for us. No, we do not care that her side of the family will try to get your side excluded in the notice. That's for you to work out with them.

And last, please do not go on a rant about the paper's editorial policy, the editorial staff's refusal to listen to your conspiracy theory involving your ex and her attorney, or give me a snarky list of reasons why you wish the old Dinkytown Daily had never folded. The other paper has been closed since the early 80's. Give it up already.

Oh, and you might try saying "thanks" and "goodbye" before you slam the phone down. Good manners are never unwelcome.