Snake oil products that customers want to buy.

[TYFSOK]

Would you be so kind as to tell those of us who wish to remain nicotine-free what brands to avoid? Many thanks for the heads-up!

Well, if you're in a place where you can buy imported Japanese foodstuffs...if it's labeled Energy Drink, or if it's in a small brown bottle, it most likely has nicotine in it.

I don't actually know a lot of brand names. The one that the office used to keep in stock is called Ripovitan D. There's also one called Yunkeru, which Ichiro Suzuki endorses.

If your browser can display Japanese text, if you see this:

ニコチン

on the ingredients label, that means nicotine. Also, if it has nicotine in it, it actually tastes like Dimetapp with a cigarette butt put out in it.

Final Fantasy XII Potion didn't have that nicotine taste. It was fairly sweet, but with a strong bitter herbal aftertaste.

[Barefootgirl]

Let's not forget the power of suggestion. It's actually a remarkable power. If you believe in something enough, it just might work.

For example, homeopathy, which is all about persuading people that sugar pills and plain water will cure their illnesses. I have no problem with people "treating" themselves homeopathically for the common cold or hayfever or whatever, but when it comes to serious illnesses or the illnesses of tehir kids...well, I'll get off my soapbox now.

[HappyCthulhu]

AOL
You are the owner of a million dollar business and you have an AOL email address.
WTF are you thinking.

I get this all the time.

[volvodrivincashier]

I got one of those friends who bought one of those gas mileage "miracle cures" from some place. Some vial of liquid you add to a full tank of gas to increase your miles per gallon twofold, or so it claims. Of course, it does absolutely bupkus.

I remember something along those lines called the Tornado. A spinning metal thing that went on the intake manifold and was supposed to increase gas mileage and performance because of the way the air would spin into the combustion chamber. It was proven to do nothing except screw with the sensors on some cars.

The 'miracle additive' is more than likely nothing more than acetone or paint thinner or any combination thereof. (Open up a bottle, break the seal and smell it - the 'legit' additives such as fuel injector cleaner from a reputable brand like STP, Chevron or Seafoam will smell like a petroleum product. The ones that have 5 bazillion things about how they'll exponentially increase your gas milage and no major name brand printed on the bottle generally smell exactly like paint thinner.)

As for the tornado - Do you know what the throttle plate is, and how it works? For those of you that don't, it's a round plate that swivels on its center axis that is used to regulate the amount of air entering the combustion chambers. It's perpendicular to the direction of airflow when wide open. There is absolutely no way that the 'spiral effect' of the Tornado will make it past this device, so the conclusion is, THE TORNADO DOES NOT WORK!

It -MIGHT- work on diesel engines, since they lack a throttle plate. I have my very serious doubts, though.

[headache grey]

a huge problem with "supplements" is that they can be dirty. colloidal silver is usually water contaminated with things like lead and animal wastes. there's generally very little regard for a "sterile" packing environment. you are literally sometimes buying something that somebody packed in their dirty kitchen without using gloves and wearing the same clothes they just organically farmed in. (really, do you trust that person to have washed their hands after using the bathroom?) also, sometimes the supplements are not only packed that way, but packed that way in different countries. they bring foreign germs with them, so you can end up with an extreme version of the traveler shits.

as for the "big pharmaceutical doesn't want you to know this stuff heals you," don't you ever consider that possibly they'd be the first to jump on formulating a long treatment with a miracle cure? seriously, if all anyone had to do was grind up an orange peel with a purple coneflower and cure cancer, they'd have all the money in the world and would never have to make another pill.

my source of information is the research i did for a huge college paper on the alternative medicines fad, and 3 respectable physicians i've known personally for years. i also have pretty severe psoriasis, so snake oil salesmen swarm me. i'm very familiar with the emotional appeals they use. you're honestly way better off to just go ahead and trust your doctor, and if you don't trust the doctor you have, get a new one.

[trunks2k]

The last one I had was "Final Fantasy XII Potion," which didn't have nicotine, but did have royal jelly and a lot of herbal stuff. And it restored 100 hit points per bottle -- more, if you've leveled up some.

http://reallifecomics.com/archive/060809.html

[Deceptitech]

Stuff that doesn't work....

I love those things you can get for your cell phone that makes them better. I love that "mega antenna" piece of scotch tape you can get for 10 bucks. That was the work of a true evil genius there. "let's spraypaint on scotch tape, market it to say it makes your phone better, and let the money roll in."

Another item is the "deadly RF wave blocker for your cell phone". It's a piece of screen put over your speaker used to "trap away the deadly RF waves that go into your brain". I would say these are as useful as a screen door on a submarine, but what the hell, they are screen doors.

I used to work for Nokia, at their repair center in Florida. Everytime someone sends a phone in because it has no signal, and they have these things on them, I write a note telling them that they have an ID-10T error in the phone, and should replace it with another one.

Neither of these work, nor do any of these "miracle phone gadgets" people get. Unless it is a case, a charger that plugs in, or something like that, odds are it won't work.

[Ringtail Z28]

I just thought of another one. Those sonic pest repellant things. The way they're supposed to work is they send out high pitched sound waves that are unbearable to insects and mice but don't affect pets. It was proven to be totally ineffective.

[Ree]

I don't know. My Mom swears by hers.
We sell a lot of them at the store, and we don't get any returned.

[trunks2k]

I just thought of another one. Those sonic pest repellant things. The way they're supposed to work is they send out high pitched sound waves that are unbearable to insects and mice but don't affect pets. It was proven to be totally ineffective.

My parents had one of those for their garden. It didn't seem to do much except for drive me nuts when I was working in the garden. They couldn't hear the noise, but I could. One day I got really annoyed with it, walked over, ripped it out of the ground turned it off, and hid it in the garage. My parents thought I went insane.

"why the heck did you just do that?"
-"The noise was annoying as hell!"
"What noise? It doesn't make a noise."
-"The high pitched noise it emits, I can't stand it"
"Okkaaaaaaay"

[Broomjockey]

"why the heck did you just do that?"
-"The noise was annoying as hell!"
"What noise? It doesn't make a noise."
-"The high pitched noise it emits, I can't stand it"
"Okkaaaaaaay"

I'm like this, I hear the noise from lights, electronics, and all those fun things. One time I nearly went nuts trying to find the source of a noise no one else in the house could hear. Turns out someone had left the TV on, on A/V input mode, so it was just a black screen, the same as when it's off.

[repsac]

A friend of mine made me a custom portable gamecube using A lcd screen and small laptop battery. The thing looks professional and dread fun to take around to play. You'd be suprised all the conversations it's caused. My personal favorite was:

SC (Stupid Kid Customer 1)
SC2 (Stupid Kid Customer 2.)
SS (Stupid Salesman.)

SC (upon seeing my portable gamecube) WOAH! What's that?
Me: Portable Gamecube.
SC2 Oh, I've heard of those things. I didn't think they really existed.
SS: We're going to have them in by christmas. I'm sure you can prebook them.
SC: DUDE! How much?
SC2: (to me) How much did that cost you? I bet a ton!
SS: (Before I can say anything) They're going to be selling for about two hundred, plus tax.
Me: Actually? Nothing. It's a custom. Nintendo isn't making a Portable Gamecube. A friend of mine made this for my last birthday. I think there's instructions on the web.
SS: Sir, I need to ask you to leave the store before I call security.


ON a sidenote, I've been offered as much as five hundred for the thing. I'd sell it, if I thought I could get him to make me another.

[lordlundar]

SS: Sir, I need to ask you to leave the store before I call security.

"And I'll phone yor manager, explain everything and inform him you openly commited fraud. Shall we see if you have a job after that?"

In my case, I would too. Any time I go in after that and see him, I'd inform a manager what he does for sales too. If you openly lie to a customer like that and I'm nearby, the gloves come off and I will make sure you lose your job.

[Gurndigarn]

A tidbit I heard. Came off the radio while I was driving, so the details might not be precise, but they're close.

Guy in India, 82 years old, is a new father. He credits his continued virility to drinking camel's milk.

No scientific evidence to back him up, but the price of camel milk recently doubled.



(What is it with virility that makes people so desperate? My theory on aging has always been that I hope I age gracefully. And if I don't, I hope that I at least accept it gracefully.)

(P.S.: are you familiar with the idea that rhino's horns (powdered) can help virility? There was an excellent vignette in Ivory by Mike Resnik with that theme. It's worth a read, if you can track down a copy.)

[AFpheonix]

(P.S.: are you familiar with the idea that rhino's horns (powdered) can help virility? There was an excellent vignette in Ivory by Mike Resnik with that theme. It's worth a read, if you can track down a copy.)

A lot of items like rhino's horns that are phallic-shaped or even actual animal phalluses are considered to be good for uses like that in various cultures....sigh... People and their penises, I swear.