$#*! My Customers Say

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

This works the same way as workday phrases of lore and legend. Post something funny you heard a customer say, completely free of context.

"I can't pull McDonalds out of my butt."

[pzychobitch]

"sometimes when i'm sitting there watching tv i like to have something hard to put in my mouth"

[emax4]

"Okay sir, just to make sure the channels are there, change it to 176...Cartoon Network"

"Dragonballs.."

"uh, ok. That's Dragonball Z, but ok, they're coming in"

[Mike Taylor]

"We regurgitated a refrigerator."

[Food Lady]

Aw, man! You would have to start this thread when I heard something truly hilarious for the first time in years, and can't remember what it was.

[pzychobitch]

"take the man's meat, and pay for it. then maybe you can put it in your mouth later."

about 6 months prior, different customers, both regulars:

"there is no joy other than holding another man's meat in my hand"

[Trixie]

"I let John do his mother."

[Aethian]

I think Mark would look better in high heels then Randy.

[PepperElf]

This works the same way as workday phrases of lore and legend. Post something funny you heard a customer say, completely free of context.

"I can't pull McDonalds out of my butt."

But if you're in The Frantics you can pull a piece of pie out of it.

[pzychobitch]

"there's a reason i left that limp dicked piece of shit. he couldnt pump for more than 3 seconds without cumming"

yeah, i get some real charmers on the night shift.

[Bob The Random Boy Wonder]

I've already shared at least one of these elsewhere, but here goes...

"Hello. I'd like to return my beaver."

"The head doesn't go up and down!"

Guy 1: "I wouldn't fuck her with his dick."
Guy 2: "Did you forget, you dumbass? He doesn't have a dick anymore! He's a girl!"
Guy 1: "Andy's a woman now? Way to spring that on me, man! I'm not just shittin' a brick here, I'm shittin' a whole fuckin' house!" *faceplants into plate glass door*

So awkwardly hilarious, you can't possibly make this stuff up. I know we're not supposed to explain how we heard things in threads like these, but this one needs backstory. This happened one night about five years ago when I was covering a break for a coworker. Right before CW got back from break, this exchange happened between me and a female customer, who I'd estimate in her mid- to late-20's:

Customer: "Hello. Excuse me! This is the sporting goods section, right? My son needs some balls for school for show-and-tell. Could you show me where yours are? You know, the ones that you play with? *realizes what she's done and starts laughing* Oh, criminy dutch--let me ask that again! No--wait! I'm just going to walk away, and we'll pretend I never asked you that!"
Me: "Ma'am, with all due respect, I'd get fired if I answered that question honestly!"
Customer: "Well--now I know what my husband means when he talks about busting his balls! I'm leaving now, okay? Take it easy!"
Me: "Yes, ma'am. Have an un-ball-ievably good night!"
Customer: "You dropped the ball on that one, dude!"

Her husband rounds the corner...

Customer: "Hey, babe! See that guy over there? He's a baller!
Husband: "The hell are you talking about, woman?"
Me: *snickers*

See? Not all customers suck. Some have a sense of humor!

[rapana1]

Oh, Lincoln! He was Jewish too, you know!

[MadMike]

One of my friends witnessed this one, as another customer. He was waiting in line at the sales counter, and the woman ahead of him was scraping together some change, trying to come up with the total. She pulled a handful of coins out of a purse, and a few things that weren't money, including a screw. Without thinking, she jokingly blurted out, "Would you take a screw?"

The poor clerk couldn't keep a straight face, and as soon as the woman said it, she realized her mistake and laughed embarrassedly.

[pzychobitch]

Was she hot?

[AyreBiskits]

"I can't pull McDonalds out of my butt."

not lying, my mother has actually said this, on more than one occasion