Horrifying and hilarious you only hear at work

[Metody]

...if you work in a hospital. Warning for language and ick




"She was smuggling graham crackers between her thighs and her crotch. That's how she got her glucose so high."

Me: "Hey, what do you think this is?"
Doctor: "That'd be a maggot casing."

"Is that a quarter? Why is it a quarter?"

Student: "So, what's C Diff like? Is it really that bad?"
Preceptor: "C Diff is like your anus is starring in its own private production of the Exorcist."
Other Nurse: "Including the bit where it screams that your mother sucks cocks in hell."
Preceptor: "That's communicated through scent."

Doctor examining an x-ray: ".....what is that?"
Me: "Double A battery."
Doctor: "Oooooh. Wow."
Me: "Pull up the one from September - she swallowed some scissors!"

Me, on phone: "I'm just letting you know because I have to because I can't get her to stop, but her heart rate is 180. I'm pretty sure it'll go down once she's done masturbating, and then she'll go to sleep."
Doctor: " - sorry, 'her'?"
Me: "There's a sitter in the room, too."

"And by the time I got in there, he'd rolled around and glazed himself like a shit Christmas ham."

"I had my whole hand in his thigh!"

"Anyone want to help me?" In the tones of someone offering candy, "It's a guillotine wound!" And it was, and it was awesome.

"Look at this blood! You can see the fat on it!"

"Hey, can you call pharmacy and tell them we need more whiskey?"

"She's got a sort of substandard vagina."

"When I push an anus back in, do I lube my fingers or not?"




Only surprising if you're not a nurse:
"Can you put in an order for four point restraints on room 22?"

(In reference to an 85 year old man) "And he's got the nicest butt I've ever seen. Really great. Just...really amazing. You should look at it!"

"And then she bit/punched/kicked me."

[sms001]

Preceptor: "That's communicated through scent."

Gold.


Thanks for the chuckles, Metody. I had a couple of clarification questions, but having "lived and learned" lo these many years, I've decided I DO NOT WANT to know the answers.

[jedimaster91]

Or as nurses and other medical personnel call it, just another day at the office.

[Amina516]

Sums up a day at work quite nicely.

[Lyse]

Love the one about whiskey. The first time I saw doctors orders for beer I was O.o

[Halo_miles]

I may not work in a hospital, but I've resided in them for time. I thought I'd heard everything...shows how wrong I was. However, this is one that I do remember:

"Hey had a mole on his ass that was like a second ass! It had hair and everything! I was afraid to go in there with anything less than a hazmat suit and swat shield."

[Metody]

I heard the best one ever as I was heading out. It was on a unit I have to pass through to get to the exit, so I'll never know the whole story....


"Catch it! Catch it!"

[sms001]

It was on a unit I have to pass through ...
"Catch it! Catch it!"

Please at least tell us it wasn't the Maternity Unit.

[trailerparkmedic]

My favorite one

Me: "So he's being admitted for DT's and he's shaky but only when he thinks people are watching."
Resident: "Hmmm..... let's get a new pressure."
I lean over the guy to get his blood pressure, which means my boobs are in his face.
Attending: "Did you see how the tremors decreased when TPM did that? Her boobs have healing powers. Or maybe they dispense Valium."

Later in the shift, the same resident and I are turning a bed bound, confused patient to check his butt for breakdown. We turn the patient towards me and of course the patient thought he was falling and grabbed my boobs with a death grip.
Resident: "He must have heard about the healing powers of your boobs."

[jedimaster91]

At another board I post on about CPR renewal:


Me: CPR renewal training today. Oh joy. >.<
OtherPoster: Could be worse. Could be something with catheters... <angelic smile>
Me: Bite your tongue. There are several reasons I chose imaging and not nursing, and poking around people's bits is one near the top.
ICUDoc: Oh, please. You haven't lived until you've attempted to wrangle a dying man's penis for an hour while trying to insert a urinary catheter. (Or maybe it's just because I wished I was dead after that ordeal.)

That was one mental image I didn't need.

[Antisocial_Worker]

"Watch her face! Watch her face! And her arms! Her face changes and her arms get really long when she switches! Watch her face-- (*repeat until sedatives kick in*)"