In the list of 101 things to not say... you would never guess this one

[nicolecj]

I am not sure if I became a sucky customer, but I think I might have. This occured earlier this week. I feel really bad about it but can't, for the life of me, think of how to fix it. I think I shall have to pretend it did not happen...

Background:
My fiancee passed away on 01/27/11. He had an acute asthma attack in the morning while I was letting out the dogs and his throat closed. I came back inside to find him dead on the couch. Nothing I, or the paramedics, could do could get him air or save him. I sat on that floor with the operator on the phone and pounded on his chest for what seemed, at the time, forever waiting for the paramedics to drive through a blizzard and horrible road conditions. I am fairly broken still and don't react well to certain situations. To make things worse our seven year anniversary is on 05/06, and I am getting very keyed up about the whole thing.

So I went to the doctor about a problem i have with my knee. I have bad cartilage in one knee and I get it checked every few years if it gets tricky in the springtime. The doctors generally with check it out and run electricity through it to get the swelling undercontrol so I can bind it and get me some physical therapy for a couple of weeks to get it on track again. From the point I am at and my family history of knee replacements, we are guessing that I have about 10 more years of walking on it before I will have to give up and replace it...

Anywho, I had a nurse taking my blood pressure and all that fun testing right away when I went in. I only go to the doctor every couple of years, so she likes to cage me for all the tests she can while I am there. This all occured then.

end background

The nurse weighs me and comments on how nice it is that I lost weight since my last visit and leads me into the room to take my blood pressure. While getting the cuff fitted and all my temperature taken she starts making the manditory small talk about things the Coopertive is currently offering to make me healthier and a better person overall.

The nurse, following the script I think, starts trying to talk me into going to one of their 'hands on hearts' classes. It is basically a new CPR class for compression only. They are even advertising it on the morning news. It is a big thing. I vaguely refuse, saying I was not really interested. Really I was CPR certified years ago, and i don't think i could make it through any of those new classes without falling apart. I have learned the hard way that CPR doesn't work if they can't breathe.

The nurse says presses on and says the absolutely worst thing she could have come up with - 'You never know whose life you could save, it could be someone close to you.'

I looked at her and burst into tears. I think my blood pressure reading probably went through the roof. So at this point she is stuck with a sobbing, incoheriently babbling puddle of me and can't complete her job unless she can get me to resume acting like a normal person. I can only assume she didn't know about my fiancee. I believe I told her to get out and that she was inconsiderate and uneducated when she wouldn't leave me in peace and kept trying to say she hadn't done anything wrong and she did not know why I was acting like this. She wasn't mean or anything, just completely confused. She eventually gave up and got the doctor. My doctor DOES know the whole story, and had even prescribed sleeping aides when it first happened.

My poor doctor had to sit there for more than a few minutes to get me calmed down. She ended up scheduling my knee MRI for next week so I have a little bit of time to myself at such a delicate time. I also got myself a referral to a shrink. So I think I may have made a bad impression. I like my doctor, but I think I scared her staff a little...

I feel really bad. I have not broken down in public since shortly after the funeral, and the nurse truly had no way of knowing what had happened. I don't know what I should do!

[crazyofficeclerk]

Don't feel bad. You can't control when those emotions are going to spew out. I really hate when people can't accept the answer NO when it is given.

[MaggieTheCat]

First, I am so sorry about your fiance. I can't even imagine how you must have felt/still feel. You have my deepest sympathies.

About the nurse...I don't really think anyone was at fault there. You certainly weren't; you can't help or control or know what is going to be said or how it's going to affect you after what you went through. The nurse does sound like she was being a little pushy, but I also understand that it was probably her job to push stuff like that on patients. Hopefully the dr. explained to her why you were upset, and maybe cautioned her that if she doesn't know a person's background, to be gentle in the way things are said.

Really, I wouldn't sweat it. I wouldn't even do anything about it. I don't think an apology or explanation or anything is warranted on your part. The dr. knows the story, she more than likely explained it to the nurse after you had left, and the nurse hopefully (and really should) understand and not hold or a grudge or be upset about your reaction.

[bankworking]

First, realize you are not a horrible person. You went through a bad time, and the nurse triggered some pent up emotions over it. Since you feel so badly over it, and since it sounds like you said a few insults, I think you would feel better if you apologized. Not for getting upset, but for saying things you didn't mean while upset.

If you are too embarrassed, maybe you could get a card to drop off at the doctor's office instead of speaking to her in person. Very likely, the doctor has explained to the nurse about your fiancee, so I'm certain she'll be understanding about it and let it be over and forgotten.

[nicolecj]

You know, for someone that is supposed to be composed and controlled in the face of anything, I really did blow it. I do fraud investigations for a living, you would think I would be able to internalize anything at this point.

As for my insults, I couldn't even tell if she could make them out. I am one of those people that gasps when I cry... it makes me all but unintelligable. She did not respond or react, so I don't want to bring it up if she doesn't. I also develop a lovely speech impediment when I am upset. i had facial surgery when I was about 15 that cut a lot of the nerves to my face. Normally I have perfect articulation, but if I get upset I get sloppy and start to slur and stutter. Basically if I am upset I sound like a asthmatic drunk. That would be the reason I don't like to get upset in public.

I just am issuing a private apology here, i guess, to this nurse. i don't think I would ever have the courage to speak to her about it. To make things worse, I don't know her name and my impression of her physically is not really clear. That wasn't on my mind at the time... I could pick her out of a line up.

[Lady Legira]

Oh Hon, I feel so much for you. Although I've "moved on" (I hate that phase) in most peoples eyes I'm still broken inside. I lost my husband about a year and 5 months ago to a very sudden illness (Swine flu to be precise). It was so hard to sit there knowing you can't do anything.

Don't be too hard on yourself for other people reactions and do the shink thing, it will do you good if you find someone you can relate well with. I didn't do that and nearly lost some family and friends due to closing myself off until my now boyfriend hammered it into me what I was doing. He has experience in that field so it made it easier for him to make me face it.

Talk about him even if it feels painful at first, I still speak about my husband Ian often saying about how he liked a piece of music or he would've liked something we did. I was given this Poem - All is Well which is still stuck to the side of my computer. I also did a blog post about my husband which while rather rambling helped me in some repects.

On the date of his birthday which was six months after his death we went to a place where I grew up and spent time just wandering around and generally being away from the memories. Christmas this year was even harder since Ian had been taken in on Christmas day but I was detirmined to spend it at home otherwise it would make it harder in the future and I really did enjoy myself. I did break down on the anniversary of his death but that was expected.

Sorry I've rambled rather. The TL: DR version is Grief has it's own timeline don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Hanzoku]

If you want to apologize but not face her directly, ask your doctor - she should be able to tell you who, and pass on your message. Just write her a note and lay it out simply if you can what happened, and while you appreciate that she was trying to help, it's still too raw to deal with matter of factly.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

[Ironclad Alibi]

The nurse, following the script I think, starts trying to talk me into going to one of their 'hands on hearts' classes. It is basically a new CPR class for compression only. They are even advertising it on the morning news. It is a big thing. I vaguely refuse, saying I was not really interested. Really I was CPR certified years ago, and i don't think i could make it through any of those new classes without falling apart. I have learned the hard way that CPR doesn't work if they can't breathe.

The nurse says presses on and says the absolutely worst thing she could have come up with - 'You never know whose life you could save, it could be someone close to you.'

I would say the nurse is at fault for pressing on after you expressed your disinterest. Or perhaps the Hospital management is at fault for using nurses to hard sell their programs to patients.

I see no fault on your part for a negative reaction to a hard sell pitch in an inappropriate place.

I think this is no different than corporate management insisting cashiers have to hard sell credit cards, rewards cards, etc. to every customer that comes through the line.

[Sapphire Silk]

nicolecj, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your fiance. It is truly terrible.

Anyone who understands grief knows there's no "moving on" or "closure." You simply learn to live with it in some way.

I'm sure the nurse did not realize what she was doing. I agree, the doc probably explained it and she probably does feel bad about it.

Since I wasn't there, it's hard to know how pushy she was actually being, but clearly she pushed too far given your reaction. You're entitled to your emotions, even while responsible for their outcome.

That doesn't mean I think you didn't anything wrong . . . far from it. Nor do I think the nurse did anything wrong. I think this situation is a terrible misunderstanding and nothing more.

Try not to feel too bad about your reaction. Your are still hurting inside, and the pain slipped free for a few minutes. The nurse will learn from this and hopefully push a little less hard. I doubt she'll ever say to someone what she said to you.

Best wishes.

[Captain Trips]

The poor nurse didn't know. And you were in no shape to explain it to her. Don't feel bad, don't be afraid to apologize. (Heck, once she finds out, SHE'LL apologize to YOU!)

As a grieving parent (8 months now) I can tell you - most of the world does not know how to respond to a person in grief. (Look at my post under "coworkers.) So she didn't understand what got to you. And the strangest things can set it off. It's part of the process, though. Sometimes, we have to teach others how to relate to us - and if they've never been through it, they can't.

My suggestion: follow through on the "referral to a shrink." A good therapist can help you learn to live with it. No, they will never "make it better" -- as you know, you never get over this sort of loss, you can learn to live with it, though. But it could take a professional to help you find that road. (I've been seeing mine every two weeks, plus a local grieving parents group weekly.)

Hang in there, it will get easier.

[MoonCat]

You didn't do anything wrong. You're still grieving, everybody grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. Really, I think anything more than "here's this class, do you want to take one, no? OK then"--would have covered it. She should not have pushed it, at all. Any reference to something like that being "life saving" could set off someone's grief.

If it would make you feel better to write a note saying you're sorry, go ahead, but don't feel you have to.

[Nyoibo]

You're really not at fault here, when told you're not interested she should have stopped. I would also like to go on the record as saying "You never know whose life you could save, it could be someone close to you." is one of the stupidest phrases to say to someone you don't know, the fact that you didn't say more is actually impressive.

[Yarnil]

You know, for someone that is supposed to be composed and controlled in the face of anything, I really did blow it. I do fraud investigations for a living, you would think I would be able to internalize anything at this point.

So your not a robot. Somehow Im not suprised. You had a great loss and it was something personal, not work.

Just think about yourself for a while. Its not selfish, its normal.

[jedimaster91]

Grief has it's own timeline don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

QFT.

When I was a teenager, the boy I was dating was killed in a freak accident. It's been six and a half years since then and there are still songs I can't listen to without wanting to hurl the radio into a moving train. It still hurts, but it doesn't run my life anymore. It does get easier, but it takes time. Don't be in any hurry.

[NateTheChops]

You know, for someone that is supposed to be composed and controlled in the face of anything, I really did blow it. I do fraud investigations for a living, you would think I would be able to internalize anything at this point.
.

For someone who has bad memories of psychiatrists and a fear of being committed to a mental hospital, that didn't stop me from having a nervous break down that lead to me winding up in a mental ward talking to a shrink.

There's only so much a human being can take. And that's what it comes down to. We're only human. We can be remarkably resilient in the worse of situtations but give us time to think about that situation and we eventually collapse.

So it's not fair to yourself to compare You on the Job to You the Human Being with a Life that Feels Pain. Because You on the Job is just that. You're a person doing a job. Maybe you love what you do, maybe you do it better than others, but at the end of the day it's just a job. The job is not who you are.

You are a person who has lost someone. And no, maybe the nurse wasn't entirely at fault, but she should have seen that it was upsetting you and backed off. Maybe givin time to compose yourself, you would have been in a position to explain yourself, but she didn't seem to be giving you that option. So for my money, no you weren't the bad guy here and no you don't owe anyone an apology.