Not sure how I feel about this.

[Seshat]

Not getting stressed in the first place:

* Someone else's problems are not yours. Don't take them on unless you specifically choose to. And even if you choose to, remember you can put them down.
(Example: "your failure to plan is not my emergency", as we see so often on these boards.)

* Someone else's emotions are not yours. They may offer them to you, they may seek to rile you up or swear at you or upset you, but imagine that they're offering you a steaming plate of dog poop. You have the right to say 'thanks, but no thanks. I don't want that today'.

* Someone else's emotions are not yours. But they may be hilarious when they're play-acting at being a two year old having a tantrum.

* Someone else's X, where X is just about anything, is not yours. See above.


Okay. Now on to not stressing about your own problems, and handling your own emotions.

Start with problems.

People who stress over their problems often have a habit of overthinking and over-worrying about their problems, usually by thinking of them in erroneous ways.

Some examples are:

* All-or-nothing thinking

The whole 'always'/'never' sort of thinking. "I ALWAYS lose my keys" or "I'm NEVER good at this".

* Overgeneralization

Can be related to all-or-nothing thinking. "I dropped this plate, I'm so clumsy"

* Mental filter

Failing to see something for what it is. Seeing a tiny flaw in an otherwise perfectly fine thing you made, or thinking your whole wedding is ruined because Uncle Bob made a stupid joke during his speech.

* Disqualifying the positive

I used to be really guilty of this one. I believed that everything that was bad about me was ME, and the good things were gifts from God and therefore didn't count.

* Jumping to conclusions

A common version is 'mind-reading'. "I lisped, now everyone will be making fun of me behind my back."

* Magnification and minimization

Usually magnifying the negative and minimising the positive. See 'Catastrophizing' for an example.

* Catastrophizing

A subtype of magnification. "I missed the bus. My boss will be mad at me and I'll lose my job." (Try "I missed this bus. Okay, I'll use the time to catch up on my notes for the meeting.")

* Emotional reasoning

"But I FEEL like my wedding was a disaster, so it WAS a disaster!"

* Should statements

"I should be a concert violinist by now...."

* Labeling and mislabeling

"I'm a loser"/"I'm fat"/"I'm ugly" etc

* Personalization

"They're laughing at me." No they're not, they're laughing at a joke Bill said and they haven't even noticed you walked past.

The trick is to catch yourself thinking these sorts of thoughts, and spotting them for what they are - fallacies. Then re-think with the non-fallacious version; and you'll be less stressed in general.

You can also always do a ten second meditation. 1 (breathe in deeply). 2 (breathe out deeply). 3 (in). 4 (out). .... 10 - and - relax.
It's surprising how much help doing nothing but counting and breathing can be, if only for ten seconds.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

I do a number of those thinking habits. I need to stop. I must practice this.
Catastrophizing is an interesting subject for me, however: I do this to map out my options, and what I can expect, and what I can do-- prepare for the worst, as it were. This actually seems to help me deal with problems and calm down.
Should statements are a bane. I do experience feelings of "I'm not even minimally adequate for life, because of x." I usually try to placate myself with thoughts of people gone more wrong, how I haven't screwed up my life, ect.
Also, the 'other people' thing needs active thought as well.
Thank you!
New wrinkle: this might be endometriosis. Big thing though, not much, if any, pain-- however, only most women who have this have pain. I've always had rough periods... and some other smaller things fit; but I'm seeing a gyno tomorrow (YAY for same day/next day policies and Student Health Insurance!)
Uuuuggghhhhhh right now is not good-- I feel a lil' dizzy, but thankfully not as restless now... dizzy + restless = double plus ungood. Hypoglycemia too, working on food. Slowly getting better, but the rest of the moving shenaniganry needs to stop... unfortunately.
Eh. Got tons done! And I get to buy a friend a beer.

[trailerparkmedic]

I do experience feelings of "I'm not even minimally adequate for life, because of x."

This worries me. I would suggest using your campus resources to talk to a therapist. If you're at a big enough school to have counselors, you don't need a diagnosis or anything. I worked through a difficult grieving process with one at my school just by calling the department and asking for someone to talk to.

[Der Cute]

People who stress over their problems often have a habit of overthinking and over-worrying about their problems, usually by thinking of them in erroneous ways.

Some examples are:

* All-or-nothing thinking

The whole 'always'/'never' sort of thinking. "I ALWAYS lose my keys" or "I'm NEVER good at this".

* Overgeneralization

Can be related to all-or-nothing thinking. "I dropped this plate, I'm so clumsy"

* Mental filter

Failing to see something for what it is. Seeing a tiny flaw in an otherwise perfectly fine thing you made, or thinking your whole wedding is ruined because Uncle Bob made a stupid joke during his speech.

* Disqualifying the positive

I used to be really guilty of this one. I believed that everything that was bad about me was ME, and the good things were gifts from God and therefore didn't count.

* Jumping to conclusions

A common version is 'mind-reading'. "I lisped, now everyone will be making fun of me behind my back."

* Magnification and minimization

Usually magnifying the negative and minimising the positive. See 'Catastrophizing' for an example.

* Catastrophizing

A subtype of magnification. "I missed the bus. My boss will be mad at me and I'll lose my job." (Try "I missed this bus. Okay, I'll use the time to catch up on my notes for the meeting.")

* Emotional reasoning

"But I FEEL like my wedding was a disaster, so it WAS a disaster!"

* Should statements

"I should be a concert violinist by now...."

* Labeling and mislabeling

"I'm a loser"/"I'm fat"/"I'm ugly" etc

* Personalization

"They're laughing at me." No they're not, they're laughing at a joke Bill said and they haven't even noticed you walked past.



The trick is to catch yourself thinking these sorts of thoughts, and spotting them for what they are - fallacies. Then re-think with the non-fallacious version; and you'll be less stressed in general.

You can also always do a ten second meditation. 1 (breathe in deeply). 2 (breathe out deeply). 3 (in). 4 (out). .... 10 - and - relax.
It's surprising how much help doing nothing but counting and breathing can be, if only for ten seconds.

Attaching this to Seshat's post:
Do an SFTB:

S(ituation)
F(eelings)
T(houghts)
B(ehavior)

So you get one of those squirrely thoughts of this: I missed the bus. My boss will be mad at me and I'll lose my job. And I keep thinking this stuff and I know I do and my boss will be mad....
So, you break it down..
Situation: Missed bus
Feelings: (only emotion adjectives here): scared unhappy awake frozen
Thoughts: Omg lose job omg omg omg job fuck what the hell omg I'll die eeee boss
Behavior: what exactly are you doing now?

This will help you catch one of those squirrely thoughts, break it down to yourself, and you will be able to see which of the irrational thoughts in Seshat's post count.

[Seshat]

Indeed.

And once you've done the STFB routine, come up with a new interpretation of the situation. New, helpful, thoughts to think.

Situation: missed the bus.
Unhelpful thoughts: Boss will fire me! Argh! Argh!
Helpful thoughts: I have some extra time to plan for the meeting.

Feelings from unhelpful thoughts would be: Argh, argh.
Behaviour: probably being miserable, curling up and being cowed when you get to work.

Feelings from helpful thoughts: determination.
Behaviour: if necessary, call work. Then sit down and study meeting notes and information. Being confident and prepared when you get to work.

[Sapphire Silk]

There's some great suggestions here. Seshat, you really are good at this.

I do Tae Kwon Do for stress relief. The physical activity gets rid of pent up energy. The discipline gets rid of negative emotions and energy. The confidence booster helps me take ownership of what I can control, and ignore what I can't.

Kicking targets and imagining them to be the people who've ticked me off helps

[teh_blumchenkinder]

This week is not a good one.
SHIP crapped out on me-- don't have it (student health insurance plan)
Was upset enough to ditch the appointment (before I saw the doctor, I was still at the receptionists' and they told me I could still go, but they'd bill me... I was nearly crying anyway... when I cry I need to be alone, otherwise people make it worse just by being there...)
I'm not out of my apartment yet
The truck got towed, not five minutes before I got there-- the company said 11, I got home at 11:06
I still feel poorly, because Aunt Flo (the bitch) decided to visit, so not only do I hurt, I hurt from moving all my , and I'm still not done; my mother, bless her and her miracles, has somehow learned how to move things like beds, desks, and futons by herself (yes you read that correctly)...
thankfully the new apartment manager was nice, in an unspecified, but important way that actually is giving me back something tangible, and not nice words... and I'm getting my homework done, yay.
I haven't been injured (too badly), but I'm exhausted, which means my joints hurt and I get dizzy.
BF has a pulled muscle on his side of the burny-gnawy type (and yes he has had them before, and he has no appendix-- he's still paying off that bill...
...
I'm almost done, I'm almost done, I'm almost done... /x_____X

[Seshat]

There's some great suggestions here. Seshat, you really are good at this.

Thank you.

Stress reduction and stress avoidance is part of pain management. Basically, the fibro has forced me to either become good at this, or be in pain.

Guess which I chose?

But it's great to hear someone confirm it. Thanks, Panacea.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Doing much better today; only dizzy-- from allergies or lack of sleep, can't tell, still not pleasant.
Stress reduction... will be made into a list for study/on-hand reference, as well as something to stare at when needed.
I have, however, somehow, gotten better recently (last few days) at saying, and meaning, and actually feeling that way, things like :"That's tomorrow's problem." (good for times when you're up, but the bank or office isn't) and "Not my problem." and "I only feel a teensy bit bad about it." (when it's something that I can't change the way someone feels/does about something)
Yay!

[Seshat]

Woooot! That's progress!!

[Der Cute]

Yesirree that is progress. Give yourself a pat on the back today. "self, high five. It's better today than yesterday."
Keep up the tasks/kits we gave you, and remember that they all take zillions of tries to get them habitual. After a bit, you'll go back over a thought and realize..oh duh! I used that skill today!!! Yay!

[teh_blumchenkinder]

"That's tomorrow's problem" is my favorite. I am still in college, so so very often things can only get taken care of on certain days and/or at certain times. Banks and other financial institutions are only open from 9 to 5 (sometimes 6), and so forth. It's only taken me what, five, six years, to get to the point of giving myself permission to not worry about something until I can do something about the object of worry? At least I'm getting somewhere; honestly! It feels so nice to feel it drop off and not come back until seven the next morning, when an appointment is in an hour.
Also, in case I haven't mentioned it, storytelling is indeed a stress-relief. Still have not found anything for crit-stress... but ... let's not get to that point? o__O

[teh_blumchenkinder]

This worries me. I would suggest using your campus resources to talk to a therapist. If you're at a big enough school to have counselors, you don't need a diagnosis or anything. I worked through a difficult grieving process with one at my school just by calling the department and asking for someone to talk to.

I have talked to counselors in the past... need insurance at least to do that again. Usually that kind of thought (minimally adequate) pops up when I fail a class, especially one that's a lower level, or I just had to keep up with the work; or, more recently, have issues doing physical things that others seem not to have issues with. I try to remember those who suck more at life than I do... but that doesn't seem real at the time I'm ragging on myself.
I'm working on what else I can do to refute the thought adequately.

[Seshat]

or, more recently, have issues doing physical things that others seem not to have issues with.

Might you have a health problem? As in, a physical health problem?
Might you have a deficiency issue? Are you eating well, of a wide range of foods?
Might you be developing atrophy? Have you been exercising enough?

Try keeping a diet and exercise diary for a couple of weeks, examine it (you can ask on here for advice as to whether that diet/exercise should be enough for an average healthy person).
If it looks fine, get thee to a doctor. I know, I know, US medical system and financial issues. But if your diet and general exercise are just fine and yet you can't do 'normal' activities, then something's wrong.

NOTE: if you haven't been exercising regularly, take it slowly. Start with something simple - a walk that you'd normally do between classes anyway. Build up by 20% every five to seven days (as long as you haven't had negative effects from the exercise).

I try to remember those who suck more at life than I do... but that doesn't seem real at the time I'm ragging on myself.

Life is not a contest.

It's not about who's sicker than who.

It's not about who achieves more than who.

Life just is.

One way to look at life is this: try to become the best YOU that you can be. Which means learning who YOU are, and then deciding what will make you the best of that type of person.

For me, part of my ME is that I'm physically disabled. Okay, that's a simple fact. So I'll never be running marathons or working in a factory or whatever. Heck, I can't manage a retail job - couldn't handle even a 2-hour shift.

So where are my strengths? Well, I seem to be a good geek->English translator. (geek, not greek). I seem to be able to pass on things I've learned well, also.

So ... I learn stuff. And when it's appropriate, I pass that stuff on. I'm helpful that way. And I'm also doing a lot of thinking. Like young Descartes, stuck in bed with nothing to do but philosophise and develop a new system of geometry (the cartesian coordinate system).

That's part of my ME.

So ... who are YOU?

[dalesys]

So ... who are YOU?

Seriously: On first.

(But also hilariously too .)