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That's not where that goes! (NSFW, some gross) LONG
I thought I'd share a few stories that are really Sightings more than anything else. The patients in these stories (all of which happened 10 years or more ago) weren't sucky, just stupid or careless.
Round the bend she goes
This first story happened when I was still a relatively inexperienced nurse, working as an LPN in a small hospital in another state from where I live now. I was still somewhat naive then.
It was a slow day, and the charge nurse had me working in triage. Back then triage wasn't much more than getting a set of vital signs and the chief complaint (nowadays, working triage would be beyond the scope of practice for an LPN).
This fellow comes in with another gentle man. This fellow was very nice as a patient, not sucky at all. Neither was his partner.
Me:
NG: Nice guy
NGP: Nice guy's partner
Me: what brings you to see us today?
NG: Well, there really isn't anyway for me to say this delicately, so I'm just going to have to come out and say it. I've got a dildo stuck up my ass.
Me:
Ah . . . OK. Sir, was this consensual? (Like I said, I was naive. This was my first experience with this sort of thing . . . and I did need to make sure there wasn't a need to investigate domestic violence.)
NG: Oh yes!
Me: OK. How big is uhm, the object?
NG: About six inches.
Me: OK. (I take his vital signs and send him to registration, and then go through a door to the nurses station to find the doctor.)
Dr. A: This I have to see. Let's get him back.
So we put him in a room. Dr. A tries to manually remove it, but it is too uncomfortable for the patient. Dr. A orders a flat plate of the abdomen. When it came back, he called me over.
The dildo went up from the rectum, completely up the sigmoid and descending colon, turned and went half way across the transverse colon towards the right side of the body.
Dr. A: That's a lot longer than six inches.
He ended up calling in the GI guy, who had to take him to the OR to do a colonoscopy to remove it.
It was 18 inches long and double headed
I actually felt very bad for this guy, even as I marveled at what happened.
It was itchy!
This guy wasn't the sharpest, well . . . you'll see in a moment.
This happened when I was working as a correctional nurse in the state prison. An inmate comes in for nurses sick call and complains his ear hurts.
Me: how long has it been bothering you?
I: about a week.
So I take an otoscope and look in the guy's ear. There's something blocking the ear canal. There's also a lot of drainage and inflammation. I call the doc over to look.
Doc: there's a foreign body in there. *He takes a hemostat and removes the tip of a pencil* How did this get in there?
I: My ear itched. I was scratching it.
Me:
So not a catheter . . .
This one happened a few years after the prison job. It was late on the night shift, and I was working as the triage nurse in the ER. A man comes through the walk in entrance and signs the log. I go out and call him right back as it is a very slow night and no one was waiting.
Me: How can I help you today?
P: I need to see a doctor.
Me: OK. What problem are you having today?
P: I need to see a doctor.
Me: OK. But I need to tell the doctor what the problem is.
P: I don't want to say.
Me: I can't take a chart back without a medical complaint on it.
P: I've got a straw in my dick.
Me: Oh, dear. Uhm, why is it there?
P: I have to pee, and I couldn't.
Me: OK. Let me get your name and your vital signs and we'll get you right back *this actually is a medical emergency--anything to do with urinary retention or trauma to the penis is*
P: I don't want to give my name. Don't take my vitals. I don't want any record I was here.
Me: Sir, I understand this must be very embarrassing for you. But we have to have a medical record, and I really do need to check your vitals.
P: Screw this. *He gets up and leaves*
Me; Sir, wait! We really need to take care of this! *He walks out the door*
I go back and relate this to the charge and the doc.
About an hour later, we get a radio call from the medics. They're bringing in Straw Man. He is not looking happy. He ends up going to the OR so a urologist can remove the straw. Fortunately, there was no permanent damage.
I found out why he was so reluctant to give his name though. His sister was an RN in our department. She was so humiliated by the incident, she resigned. Which was a shame, because she was actually a pretty good nurse and a nice gal
Insert Tab A into Slot B
This one happened while I was a nursing student, doing my ER rotation, in my LPN program. I may have told this one here before; apologies if it is a repeat.
A man brings his four year old son in with a toy car stuck in his nostril.
Staff: How did he get that in there?
Dad: I really don't know
Doc gets the toy out, packs the nose, and we send the kid home with Dad.
A hour later Dad is back . . . with the same toy car stuck in HIS nostril. He was trying to figure out how his son did it . . . and succeeded. However, like his son, he couldn't figure out how to get the toy out.
Round the bend she goes
This first story happened when I was still a relatively inexperienced nurse, working as an LPN in a small hospital in another state from where I live now. I was still somewhat naive then.
It was a slow day, and the charge nurse had me working in triage. Back then triage wasn't much more than getting a set of vital signs and the chief complaint (nowadays, working triage would be beyond the scope of practice for an LPN).
This fellow comes in with another gentle man. This fellow was very nice as a patient, not sucky at all. Neither was his partner.
Me:
NG: Nice guy
NGP: Nice guy's partner
Me: what brings you to see us today?
NG: Well, there really isn't anyway for me to say this delicately, so I'm just going to have to come out and say it. I've got a dildo stuck up my ass.
Me:
Ah . . . OK. Sir, was this consensual? (Like I said, I was naive. This was my first experience with this sort of thing . . . and I did need to make sure there wasn't a need to investigate domestic violence.)NG: Oh yes!
Me: OK. How big is uhm, the object?
NG: About six inches.
Me: OK. (I take his vital signs and send him to registration, and then go through a door to the nurses station to find the doctor.)
Dr. A: This I have to see. Let's get him back.
So we put him in a room. Dr. A tries to manually remove it, but it is too uncomfortable for the patient. Dr. A orders a flat plate of the abdomen. When it came back, he called me over.
The dildo went up from the rectum, completely up the sigmoid and descending colon, turned and went half way across the transverse colon towards the right side of the body.
Dr. A: That's a lot longer than six inches.
He ended up calling in the GI guy, who had to take him to the OR to do a colonoscopy to remove it.
It was 18 inches long and double headed
I actually felt very bad for this guy, even as I marveled at what happened.
It was itchy!
This guy wasn't the sharpest, well . . . you'll see in a moment.
This happened when I was working as a correctional nurse in the state prison. An inmate comes in for nurses sick call and complains his ear hurts.
Me: how long has it been bothering you?
I: about a week.
So I take an otoscope and look in the guy's ear. There's something blocking the ear canal. There's also a lot of drainage and inflammation. I call the doc over to look.
Doc: there's a foreign body in there. *He takes a hemostat and removes the tip of a pencil* How did this get in there?
I: My ear itched. I was scratching it.
Me:
So not a catheter . . .
This one happened a few years after the prison job. It was late on the night shift, and I was working as the triage nurse in the ER. A man comes through the walk in entrance and signs the log. I go out and call him right back as it is a very slow night and no one was waiting.
Me: How can I help you today?
P: I need to see a doctor.
Me: OK. What problem are you having today?
P: I need to see a doctor.
Me: OK. But I need to tell the doctor what the problem is.
P: I don't want to say.
Me: I can't take a chart back without a medical complaint on it.
P: I've got a straw in my dick.
Me:
Oh, dear. Uhm, why is it there?P: I have to pee, and I couldn't.
Me: OK. Let me get your name and your vital signs and we'll get you right back *this actually is a medical emergency--anything to do with urinary retention or trauma to the penis is*
P: I don't want to give my name. Don't take my vitals. I don't want any record I was here.
Me: Sir, I understand this must be very embarrassing for you. But we have to have a medical record, and I really do need to check your vitals.
P: Screw this. *He gets up and leaves*
Me; Sir, wait! We really need to take care of this! *He walks out the door*
I go back and relate this to the charge and the doc.
About an hour later, we get a radio call from the medics. They're bringing in Straw Man. He is not looking happy. He ends up going to the OR so a urologist can remove the straw. Fortunately, there was no permanent damage.
I found out why he was so reluctant to give his name though. His sister was an RN in our department. She was so humiliated by the incident, she resigned. Which was a shame, because she was actually a pretty good nurse and a nice gal
Insert Tab A into Slot B
This one happened while I was a nursing student, doing my ER rotation, in my LPN program. I may have told this one here before; apologies if it is a repeat.
A man brings his four year old son in with a toy car stuck in his nostril.
Staff: How did he get that in there?
Dad: I really don't know
Doc gets the toy out, packs the nose, and we send the kid home with Dad.
A hour later Dad is back . . . with the same toy car stuck in HIS nostril. He was trying to figure out how his son did it . . . and succeeded. However, like his son, he couldn't figure out how to get the toy out.
Oh, man! I can't believe he went back the *same* ER! But I guess he knew you guys would be able to remove it. 
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