The Suck was strong yesterday at Sainsbury's...

[Marlowe]

Greetings! If you've been following my thread in Off Topic, you'll know my babykitties are now home safely so there'll probably be a lot less grump from me!

(But not no grump. I am naturally Kind of a Grump. But only because the majority of people piss me off.)

Anyway.

Yesterday I went to the Sainsburys to buy various treats and supplies to celebrate the homecoming of my kitties. We're talking cake, leg of pork, cream, prawns, and so on. (The cream and prawns were for the kitties, the cake and pork was for me and my housemate.) Roast leg of pork with roast potatoes, yorkshire puddings, pigs in blankets etc etc is actually one of my signature dishes. But I digress.

Sainsburys was packed, as it usually is on Fridays (all the old biddies get their cheques in, and most of the benefits get deposited in accounts then, so everyone descends on the supermarket.) So... I have a selection of tales for you!



Nice try, you old witch


As ever, there was a huge swarm around the Reduced section. The Reduced section is one of my usual haunts, especially when it comes to buying something like meat, which is normally right out of my budget. Lo and behold, a wonderful looking leg of pork is RIGHT THERE! Thanking all the gods, I reach and pick it up-

Old Woman (OW1): THAT'S MINE!
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am, it was on the shelf-
OW1: I SAW IT FIRST! *grabby grabby*
Me: HEY! *whips it back out of her reach*

Haha, too slow you old coot. You don't do five years of cadet training without honing your reflexes.

OW1: I'M OLD!!!!!
Me: Well, then, you'll have less time to worry about this injustice, won't you?
OW1:

Don't worry. She's just getting started with The Crazy.

OW1: THIEF! THIEF!
Me:

I'm slowly beginning to realise that this old woman is just plain old deranged.

Me: Ma'am, I am not stealing from you if I grab something off a shelf. *puts meat in trolley and starts to walk away*
OW1: NO! RAPE!
Me:

This is a major line you DO NOT CROSS with me, for reasons I will not go into now.

Me: Listen to me, you old bitch, you do not cry rape over the fact that you are not getting your own way. You are an evil old witch for even THINKING that might be appropriate behaviour, and I think you should stop RIGHT. NOW.
OW1:
Me: Do we understand each other?
OW1: Tá tú éadrócaireach! Tá tú dúr soith!*
Me: Gaeilge a labhairt liom freisin. Tá do gramadach uafásach. Tá tú ina amadán.**
OW1: *stalks off

I love it when people assume I don't speak Irish just because I look young and have a touch of an English accent

Me: Slán! Bíodh lá iontach!***
OW1: *ignores me
Me:


*You are a cruel, stupid bitch!
**I also speak Irish. Your grammar is terrible, you moron.
***Goodbye! Have a wonderful day!



BOOBS


While in produce, I am approached by an old man. The kind of old where merely sneezing would be considered an extreme sport.

Old Man (OM): BOOBS!
Me:

Clearly, this man is the Casanova of his time. His voice alone is enough to make the clothes of any female to drop at his feet and said female to spontaneously reach orgasm.

Me: Excuse me?
OM: BOOBS!

Or not.



Me: Sir-
OM: Lovely boobs, lovely, lovely-
Me: Sir, GO AWAY-
OM: Beautiful, love, should be a model, enormous boo-
ME: SECURITY!

Of course, no help is forthcoming. Stupid cheap-ass corporate.

OM: Oh yes, love them, love them-
Me: Sir, if you don't back off, I will tase you.

(Yes, tasers are - technically - a little illegal here. However, the police give no shits at all, and if you lived where I did, you'd have one too. After the fifth time I was approached and menaced for being in the "wrong" neighbourhood, I decided enough was enough. I have never used it, nor will I ever use it (it actually wasn't even with me that day) but I find the threat is enough. Usually.)

OM: Beautiful, wonderful, can I touch them?
Me: NO!!!!!!
OM: Huge, perfect, enormous boobs, oh yes-

OK. We've been through this. I have huge boobs. I am aware of this. Having to mail order your bras is a good indicator that this may be so. I am also aware that my small waist makes them look a lot larger than they are. Thank you SO much for noticing.

Asshole.

OM: Ohhh MY, love your boobs, love them...
Me: Sir, if you don't back off, I WILL tase you. Thousands upon thousands of volts, STRAIGHT in the junk. Is that what you want?
OM: Boooooobs *drool* booooooooooooobs....

Hooray! A shop worker!

Worker: Can I help you, miss?
OM: BOOBS!
Worker: What?!
Me: He likes my boobs.
OM: ENOOOOORMOUS boobs, oh yes-

Security is summoned, and the old creep is escorted from the store. I asked them if he had a history of this, and they said yes. I would have thought he might have dementia or something, but nope - he's just a pervert. Court-ordered assessment and everything.

Ew.



Let me introduce you to the idea of "limited space"


When I get to the tills, there is a checkout line just opening! Hooray!

Being the nice person I am, I let an old lady with a package of Belfast baps and a bottle of milk go in front of me, given that I have a full trolley. She thanks me, and all is well as I pile my stuff on the belt...

...until another old witch (OW2) starts to stack up her stuff RIGHT BEHIND MINE when I still have a half-cart to unload.

Me: Ma'am, could you hold off on-
OW2: HARRUMPH!! *rolls eyes* FINE!!! *grabs divider and slams it down on belt hard enough to make bagged produce jump a little*

Um. OK.

Me: No, ma'am-
OW2: NO! I'M OLD!!!!!

Yes, I'd noticed that. I've seen roasted chicken skin in better condition than your face.

Me: I-
OW2: I'M OOOOLLLLLDDDDD!!!!!!

Jesus Christ on a bicycle with St Paul and the Apostles.

Me: No, Ma'am-
OW2: OOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

What can I say, I gave up. I was tired, my head hurt, and I wanted to go home and take a nap.

Old bitch.



DEVLIN? I got a car for DEVLIN?


This isn't so much sucky as entertaining... and a surprisingly common occurrence.

At Sainsburys, there is a taxi rank out the front. It's always busy, because only a few people around here own a car. You call on the freephone just inside the doors, give your name and destination, and then when your turn comes up the arriving taxi calls out your name. This works pretty well... until you get a situation like this one.

There is a HUGE crowd waiting for a taxi. It's hot, we're all uncomfortable, and every time a taxi pulls up everyone shoots dagger eyes at everyone else, just daring them to have their names called.

Taxi arrives, everyone leans forward-

Driver: DEVLIN! I got a car for DEVLIN!

Me and FOUR OTHER PEOPLE get up.

(Incidentally, the name Devlin in this area is about as common as Smith or Jones in England or the US. You can't throw a stone in the street without hitting at least four Devlins... and then getting the living shit kicked out of you, because us Devlins don't fuck around.)

Thus ensues several minutes of "My name is Devlin!" "So's mine!" "I'M DEVLIN!"

In the end, we drew straws. And then did this several more times as more taxis called for Devlin.

Sigh.

I really need to start giving them my first name.

[Mikkel]

In the end, we drew straws. And then did this several more times as more taxis called for Devlin.

Sigh.

I really need to start giving them my first name.

Why hold yourself back? Give both.
As a cabdriver I love when people give their full name.

Though, the driver should have known the destination. Don't tell me all the Devlins live in the same place .

[Ree]

Though, the driver should have known the destination. Don't tell me all the Devlins live in the same place .

Yeah, that would have been a much simpler way of handling it, I would think, because you had to give a destination when you booked it.

[Marlowe]

Yeah, that would have been a much simpler way of handling it, I would think, because you had to give a destination when you booked it.

We do have to give a destination to dispatch, but when it's super busy they often don't pass any more than the name on to the drivers. Also, even when they do, there are so many tiny streets in the area it's common practice to just give the basic neighbourhood (eg "Shaw's" for Shaw's Road/Lenadoon, "Andytown" for Andersonstown/Glen Road, "Clonard" for the northern half of the Lower Falls, etc etc.) And then half the time people just say "Falls"... which covers an ENORMOUS area. To put it into perspective, if West Belfast were a city on its own, it would not only be the second largest city in the North of Ireland (assuming you continue to count its population in Belfast proper as well) but also the third largest city in the ENTIRE of Ireland... and "Falls" is a common slang term for the whole of West Belfast.

Yeah, as a rule our taxi services in my area are fairly primitive compared to US ones, with the exception of big companies like Value Cabs and Fona Cab. No meters used (usually it's a flat rate to a particular area, no matter how long it takes), often-expired licences traded like Pokemon cards, cash only payment, chain-smoking and cussing drivers... it's cheap though, and all part of the wonderful experience of living here

[fma_fanatic]

I'm glad I'm not the only who has dealt with crazy meat people. This also explains where all the crazies have gone on my last few shopping trips. They've gone over the pond.

[Marlowe]

I'm glad I'm not the only who has dealt with crazy meat people. This also explains where all the crazies have gone on my last few shopping trips. They've gone over the pond.

Oh, there's always a TON of crazies at the reduced section in supermarkets. Oddly, they are largely (no racism/xenophobia intended) Romanian, of which we have an increasingly large population of of late. Largely because the friendly Loyalist peoples of the Village area (far, FAR less nice than it sounds - a sizeable percentage of the houses have no indoor toilets, and whole streets are boarded up) like to throw petrol bombs at them.

This lady was not Romanian, however. I am fairly sure she was from the Suffolk estate, though, due to her lovely "OUR WEE COUNTRY" tattoo on her wrinkled, flabby bicep. And the Suffolk estate people hate EVERYONE except for each other.

[Sunshine]

Boooooooobs....*ahem*......slinks off

[Mikkel]

Yeah, as a rule our taxi services in my area are fairly primitive compared to US ones, with the exception of big companies like Value Cabs and Fona Cab.

It all sounds very strange to me. The poor drivers would be fined out of existence here in Denmark.
We are very well policed and can be fined for dirty cars, personal hygiene, smoking in the cab and, if the passenger complains, even for being rude. Let's not speak of lack of license or properly adjusted and sealed meters, which would cost both driver and owner a lot.

[Eevie]

The boobs dude made me laugh. Me and my size DD self (used to be DDD before I lost weight) have been looking for pepper spray to keep in my purse for when I set off for college.

[Marlowe]

The boobs dude made me laugh. Me and my size DD self (used to be DDD before I lost weight) have been looking for pepper spray to keep in my purse for when I set off for college.

Me and my Gs feel your pain


(When choosing your pepper spray, one that you can keep on a keychain is good... but for the love of God, check the trigger mechanism is reasonably robust. I had a personal alarm that went off in my bag, and it would NOT STOP. I ended up tearing it off the keychain and throwing it in a nearby river... and even then I could still see the little red "awareness light" flashing in the murky depths )

[Eevie]

(When choosing your pepper spray, one that you can keep on a keychain is good... but for the love of God, check the trigger mechanism is reasonably robust. I had a personal alarm that went off in my bag, and it would NOT STOP. I ended up tearing it off the keychain and throwing it in a nearby river... and even then I could still see the little red "awareness light" flashing in the murky depths )

LOL! I'd probably get a picture if I saw that! How funny! But thanks for the tip, I'll keep it in mind.

[Kit-Ginevra]

I love the positioning of BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS and then...

'I let an old lady with a package of Belfast baps...go in front of me'


adds Belfast baps to list of cool euphemisms...

[Marlowe]

LOL! I'd probably get a picture if I saw that! How funny! But thanks for the tip, I'll keep it in mind.

Normally, I would have gotten a picture too... but as it was I just hauled ass the fuck out of there before the Proctors caught me "littering"...

(The Proctors are like the University's own private security service/police force. They are TERRIFYING, and not just because the Gentlemen in that Buffy episode mildly traumatised younger me. When I was doing flyposting of University buildings as part of an art piece, I was more afraid of the Proctors catching me than the actual police....)

[fireheart]

At least pepper spray is LEGAL where you guys are from. (or semi-legal)

pepper spray is illegal down here. Me and my E-cups (although since I'm losing weight I'm currently floating somewhere between DD and E) get stared at ALL the time.

Thankfully a) my work uniform hides it, b) two of my coworkers are bigger than me in that department and c) the kids don't care

[greek_jester]

At least pepper spray is LEGAL where you guys are from. (or semi-legal)

pepper spray is illegal down here. Me and my E-cups (although since I'm losing weight I'm currently floating somewhere between DD and E) get stared at ALL the time.

Thankfully a) my work uniform hides it, b) two of my coworkers are bigger than me in that department and c) the kids don't care

Handbag-sized hairspray works just as well in a pinch, and is perfectly legal to carry. Just make sure that you've established that you wear hairspray to be on the safe side.

Go for one of the ones where you don't have to pull off a cap, as the trigger mechanisms tend to be a little more robust, so they're less likely to snap off in an emergency. What? I used to go to London on the train on a regular basis & come home very late after seeing shows/films. You didn't want to hang around on your own without some form of protection.