Laundry Loonies and Driving Daisies (long, language!)

[Gerrinson]

Here's a collection of my displeasure for your enjoyment:

Crazy Christian Lady

I'm not making any judgement about anyone's religious preference here, but you'll see why I mentioned hers.

It's Sunday, aka Laundry Day. I'm at the laundromat waiting for my clothes to dry. To pass the time, I'm reading a book, which means I'm totally absorbed in a mental world and not paying much attention to anything around me except for the beeps from dryers that have finished their cycle.

CCL: Crazy Christian Lady
Me: A biscuit to anyone who can guess this one...

CCL: Excuse me, sir.

Me: *totally lost in my book*

CCL: Excuse me, sir!

Me: *yup, still reading and ignoring everything around me*

CCL: *now standing right next to me* I said, EXCUSE ME, SIR!

Me: *realizing she's been talking to me* Huh? Can I help you?

CCL: There's something wrong with the washer, you need to help me with it!

Me: Well, I don't work here, there's not much I can do. *looking around for the owners who were both there, just out of sight*

CCL: Please, just come look at it.

Me: *She said please, so whatever* Alright, but there's not much I can do.

CCL: *walking over to a big commercial triple washer, with a quarter halfway into the coin slot* See? *pointing to the quarter* It doesn't want to go in. *BANG! BANG! BANG! she pounds on the quarter with the heel of her hand* I'm not strong enough to get it to go, you need to do it for me.

Me: *Ow! No way I'm mauling my hand trying to force in quarters when the machine is obviously jammed. I pull the quarter out, try to slid it back in and I feel & hear it hit something metal* Well, it looks like it's broken or something is stuck in there. You should check the office, the owners are here and I'm sure they'll be able to fix it or refund any money you lost in this machine.

CCL: You NEED to help me!

Me: Sorry, but I don't work here, the office is right there. *pointing to the office door*

CCL: If you were a good Christian you would HELP ME! If you read the Bible more you'd know how to fix this!

Me: -.- ... Get out of my face, lady. I'm not dealing with your kind of crazy. The office is over there. *I turn and walk away*

On a side note, I was raised Christian. I've read the Bible cover to cover twice. However, I seemed to have completely skipped the Book of Maytag wherein the Lord bestowed upon his followers all the knowledge of Commercial Washer & Dryer repair millenia before these most Holy of Devices ever existed. Thank you, Crazy Christian Lady, for reminding me of my failures in Bible study.

Kooky Camp Counselors

This is from over the summer when we have many children's summer camps open and the camp counselors come from all over the place. I see most of the same counselors every week when I'm doing laundry, but every now and again you see some that are coming at an odd time.

There were two who made an...interesting pair. The small one, henceforth know as Sticky Fingers, was about 5 feet tall, looked to be Hispanic maybe Native American, hard to say. Sticky Fingers was wearing a polo shirt, shorts, and a ten gallon hat. His buddy, henceforth known as Sven, was Nordic (from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark, I dunno...one of those). Sven was at least 6' 3" or so, with the pale skin, blue eyes, long blonde hair, mustache and goatee that betrayed his origins as much as his accent. Sven was wearing a green tube top, skinny jeans, and bright red 4" tall high heels. They stood out a bit from the normal crowd.

They sat on the benches near me and talked about the kids at their camp and what have you. I had finished my book and was picking through the magazine collection which is why I overhead them at all. Finally, some of my dryers finish and I fold up the clothes that are dry. Some of the stuff needed to go through again, so I took the opportunity to move my car to a parking spot much closer to the laundromat. When I got back I noticed that my laundry basket with all my dry clothes was gone!

I look around and I see Sticky Fingers carrying my laundry basket under one arm. Sven has his back to Sticky Fingers while emptying out some of their dryers.

Our cast:

Sven is Sven (say it 5 times fast, it's fun!)
SF: Sticky Fingers
Me: A second biscuit to everyone who gets it right!

SF: *to Sven* I'm just going to run out to the van, I'll be right back.

Sven: Okay, come back to help me fold.

Me: *to SF* HEY! What the hell are you doing with my laundry?

SF: *smiling like I'm his long lost best friend* Oh, sorry man, these are mine, I'm just running them out to our van.

Me: *and not fooled, as I am a Toydarian, and Jedi mind tricks will not work on me* Get your hands off my shit right now, or you can explain to the cops why you were stealing my clothes.

Sven: *having turned around to see what's going on* What are you doing with that basket? That's not ours!

SF: Yes it is.

Sven: Give his laundry back to him, RIGHT NOW! *cuffs SF across the back of the head*

SF: Fine! Here! *drops the basket and storms off to sulk in the corner*

Sven: Sorry about him, I'll make sure he doesn't bother you again. *goes over, grabs SF by the back of the collar and drags him out of the laundromat*

In retrospect, this whole thing was hilarious. If I wasn't so angry at the time I'd probably have suffocated from laughing so hard. And, honestly, it was probably worth it to see the Nordic cross dresser slap and drag his buddy around by the collar.

Crazy Christian Lady Strikes Back

Just last week, I ran into CCL at the laundromat again. She didn't bother speaking to me, though she did bestow upon me a glare of sufficient length and power that my soul trembled in terror, since I have still not yet read the Book of Maytag.

In order to help save the people around her, CCL took it upon herself to sort out the magazines into several piles and assign them labels. She also put out some of her own magazines. As she sorted each magazine, she announced out loud the name of the pile. Here are the three piles:

Liars: Cosmo, Vogue, US, TV Guide (several weeks out of date, I might add)

Godly: Her collection of 1980's magazines featuring the valiant hero Jim Bakker.

Satanists: Popular Science, Scientific American, Popular Mechanics, Highlights for Kids (and might I add for this one)

She took out a big fat marker and wrote the appropriate heading on each entry. Adding a 'Please read this!!!' to the front of the Godly pile.

She then put her 'Godly' magazines into the racks and shoved the rest of them into the 'Lost & Found' basket. Erm...right. I didn't say anything, but I did take the time to restore the Liars & Satanists to the rack. I nearly put the Godly pile into the trash, but I didn't want to deal with the potential explosion of crazy. Turns out it didn't matter, the owners did it themselves.

Driving Me Crazy

Some of the joyful characters who use a different car every day, but still manage to find me on my commute to and from work.

Slowass Sammy

Dear Sammy, I love how you seem to never need to get anywhere for a particular time, so you can drive as slowly as you wish with it never impacting your life. I so do enjoy driving around so slowly that people pedaling their bikes are passing me. And, of course, you only get in front of me when we're in a No Passing zone.

Tailgating Tommy

Thank you, Tommy, for riding my ass so close that I thought you might be magnetically attached to my rear bumper. I appreciate the fact that you flashed your lights and honked the horn at me because I was driving 15 to 20 miles per hour under the speed limit for several miles. This was due however, not to my poor driving abilities, but due to the fact that Slowass Sammy was directly in FRONT of me. Since there were no passing zones, there's jack shit I can do about it and no amount of horn blowing at me will change the fact that someone else is driving slowly.

Trepidacious Trey

Ah, yes, you're scared of possibly running a red light.* So scared, that at every intersection with a green light you begin anticipating the change and slow down. Some days you even come to a complete stop while the light is still green! Thank you for adding all the extra wear and tear on my brakes. Not to mention all the good times that I have waiting at lights when I could be continuing my drive to work! Ha ha!

* - Please note that I'm fully in favor for obeying traffic signals. In the past few months, Trey has come to represent a much larger portion of the drivers on my commute. But stopping for a green light is not an example of safe driving, either. Just go, if the light turns yellow, slow down and stop. It's really a simple concept, and, in my area, we don't have any of those 'quick change' lights that are designed to run up revenue. Our lights change nice and slow, you don't need to guess ahead of time when they're going to change.

Parking Parker

Or, as I often label you, fucking fucker! You drive your giant extra large pickup or your SUV, which is swollen to massive proportions on the gallons of gas it guzzles just to get from one side of the street to the other.

But the true joy of your special vehicle is when it comes time to park. You don't need to obey those lines! NO, not you! You're special! Angled parking? HAH! That's for losers! You can park parallel to the curb and take up 3 to 4 parking spaces instead! Oh, and space is limited you say? Even better! That means all those people trying to park will have to drive by your vehicle several times, giving them more chances to gaze upon it's awesome cat butt-like beauty!

Hasta la bye bye! There's plenty more where these came from, but I've more than used up my lunch in writing this.

[Sheldonrs]

"CCL: If you were a good Christian you would HELP ME! If you read the Bible more you'd know how to fix this!"

It didn't work for her. :-)

[wagegoth]

Liars: Cosmo, Vogue, US, TV Guide (several weeks out of date, I might add).

I sort of have to agree with her on this, as much as it's making me twist up in misery to do so.

Trepidacious Trey

Ah, yes, you're scared of possibly running a red light.* So scared, that at every intersection with a green light you begin anticipating the change and slow down. Some days you even come to a complete stop while the light is still green! Thank you for adding all the extra wear and tear on my brakes. Not to mention all the good times that I have waiting at lights when I could be continuing my drive to work! Ha ha!

I hate those people! Agony, absolute agony to be behind them!

[Bright_Star]

I must have missed that part in Sunday School where it commands you to perform the miracle of the washers & dryers.

[SuperB]

On a side note, I was raised Christian. I've read the Bible cover to cover twice. However, I seemed to have completely skipped the Book of Maytag wherein the Lord bestowed upon his followers all the knowledge of Commercial Washer & Dryer repair millenia before these most Holy of Devices ever existed.

Now that would have come in handy wouldn't it.

[blas]

"And on the 4th day, God created Kenmore"

[ArcticChicken]

However, I seemed to have completely skipped the Book of Maytag wherein the Lord bestowed upon his followers all the knowledge of Commercial Washer & Dryer repair millenia before these most Holy of Devices ever existed. Thank you, Crazy Christian Lady, for reminding me of my failures in Bible study.

Oh, yes, the Book of Maytag is right up there with the Book of Sony and the Book of GM. What Bible Study teacher let you out of class without having memorized those works?

[marasbaras]

I think the Crazy Christian Lady forgot about the part where it say He helps those who help themselves.

Then again, what do I know? I'm an agnostic.

She took out a big fat marker and wrote the appropriate heading on each entry.

How about we rename her "conceited bitch"? Really, REALLY hate people who want to impose their views on the rest of us. Sometimes makes me want to believe that they're right about Heaven and Hell ... 'cause based on what I've read, I know where they're going.

[Geek King]

I think the Crazy Christian Lady forgot about the part where it say He helps those who help themselves.

Apparently, the bible doesn't actually say that. Some fruitcake guest speaker at my parent's church was making this point a couple weeks ago. It seems to be true, from what I've read, but I'm still going to work today.

[marasbaras]

So, pray heavily and let God do the work for you? I should convert. Much easier.

[sportsmom]

In retrospect, this whole thing was hilarious. If I wasn't so angry at the time I'd probably have suffocated from laughing so hard. And, honestly, it was probably worth it to see the Nordic cross dresser slap and drag his buddy around by the collar.

I would have been rolling on the floor at that one. Too funny.

[Becks]

Sven was at least 6' 3" or so, with the pale skin, blue eyes, long blonde hair, mustache and goatee that betrayed his origins as much as his accent. Sven was wearing a green tube top, skinny jeans, and bright red 4" tall high heels.

I'd pout because there's no picture, but I'm getting a pretty good mental image.

[Gerrinson]

I'd pout because there's no picture, but I'm getting a pretty good mental image.

If I could share the mental image, Becky, I'd be happy to give it to you. Sadly, I cannot. I tried to find someone similar with GIS, but I'm at work and there are some searches I do not want coming up on the weekly report.

[Becks]

Well, Gerrinson, I wouldn't want to get you in trouble.

[Tria]

I sort of have to agree with her on this, as much as it's making me twist up in misery to do so.

Ah but remember young padawan, even a broken clock is right twice a day. And she was broken.

I think the Crazy Christian Lady forgot about the part where it say He helps those who help themselves.
.

Actually that was a Ben Franklin quote.