The universe owes me a shot in the chops.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I did something reeeeeaaally shitty this past weekend and I didn't mean to do it. So this is a self sighting. On steroids.

We were down at the beach and my three year old was running around playing with a little four year old she'd met down there at the playground at one of the attractions.

All the kids there were getting along great, no trouble at all, until this older kid showed up. He looked to be about...I dunno, 8 maybe. And he was kind of a tool.

He was trying to not let the other children get up on the playset, making a general nuisance of himself. I was keeping an eye on him because I didn't want my child or her little friend mixing it up with him, but he was giving pretty much everyone a hard time, and it was pissing me off. Everyone's having a good time but him, his good time consisted of crapping on everyone else's good time. You all know the type.

I frigging hate bullies. Even when they're kids. And my inside voice became my outside voice, and as I was watching him in action, I growled at my husband "there's something WRONG with that damn kid in the blue shoes."

And my husband muttered back at me "Yeah, he's got Down's and his parents are right over my left shoulder."



Okay, this is no excuse, but it was nightime, the lights were dim, my eyesight sucks, and frankly, it just wasnt' that obvious at first glance. You had to look kind of hard to see it.

God is my witness, I wasn't commenting on his handicap. I didn't notice his handicap. I was commenting on his bad behavior, which his parents seemed to be ignoring and frankly should have been addressed regardless. I didn't even NOTICE that there was anything at all different about the kid. But damn! D'you think I could have possibly worded my displeasure in a more tasteless, insensitive way? I was mortified. I would have NEVER said what I said if I'd realized what the deal was.

I can only hope his parents did not hear what I said. I dont' think they did. But I felt like an entire tool shed.

It still bothers me.

[MystyGlyttyr]

Eh, it's not so shitty. If the kid were behaving himself, no one would have been commenting on him regardless. I mean, I have a friend who has a son with Aspergers and a son with Downs, and all three of her children are at least well enough behaved that if she raises her voice even a bit, they stop and drop.

I've always said that it's the intent that matters more than the actual words. If you were insulting the handicap, then it'd be shitty. As it is, you were just offering a comment that was not incorrect...there was something wrong with the kid, and it wasn't his Downs, it was his parents who weren't keeping their kid, special needs or not, from being a bully. Feel bad if you want, but I don't think it was anything horrible.

[Shangri-laschild]

Going to agree that you didn't really do anything wrong. The kid was misbehaving, the parents weren't doing anything about it, so you had every right to be ticked off. Plus, your comment wasn't a crack against the fact that he had Downs.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I agree this wasn't the worst offense in the world. At least you didn't attribute his misbehavior to his Down's Syndrome, and the parents were doing nothing to correct the behavior.

Which makes me wonder if the parents are the sort to believe that Down's Syndrome=I Can't Control My Child.

I've been around Down's Syndrome people in school and at work and I can't recall any of them being out-of-control and bullying like that.

[froglet]

I live near an entire community/commune of special needs people (not just children), and they come into the library once in a while. They are all very well behaved and they only have one escort for the trips usually.
Not to mention I went to a high school with special needs integration and the entire time I was there, there were only a few incidence of them acting out in the classes they shared with so called 'normal' students. Its probably not the DS, its the raising of the child. (or lack there of like Irv said.)

And what you said was probably better than calling him a little prick like I would have. Although saying that might have made you feel better, as it can't reflect on his condition.

[Custard Chick]

Having Down's is no excuse for bad behavior.

My younger brother has Down's and there's no way my parent's would have allowed him to bully others or try and monopolize a playground. He learned that he has to respect others, say 'please' and 'thank you', and always wait for your turn.

Yes, some children have a more severe form of Downs or another mental disability (my brother has a very mild case. He's is only a year behind in school and is a fairly normal 16 year old - he runs up the cell phone bill talking to his girlfriend at all hours of the night, love video games, plays the guitar - the only difference is he won't be learning how to drive, at least not anytime in the near future), but there still is no reason that the parents should allow that kind of behavior.

Having a mentally handicapped child is not a excuse to not parent your child and set rules for him. Sure, my brother gets moody and stubborn, but he gets grounded if he doesn't do what he's told.

You did nothing wrong, the kid was being a brat and you were just trying to look out for your kid. The parents should have done something.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Thanks, everyone, for not stoning me.

I agree that the kid, Downs or no, should have been held accountable for his actions, and his parents are not doing him any favors by cutting him slack. He's going to have a tough enough row to hoe without his parents letting him grow up to be socially maladjusted.

I just wish I had chosen different words. Even something harsh, like "that kid is little bastard." Anything but what actually did come out of my mouth.

Because if his parents heard me, they won't be thinking I was commenting on his poor behavior. I wouldn't mind that so much, their kid's behavior sucked. They'll just interpret it as me saying something brutally unkind about their son's handicap, which was so not my intent.

Sadly, they dont take a little discipline with him and teach him how to play with others, the Downs will not be his biggest handicap.

[auntiem]

I'm in the "you didn't do anything wrong" camp. The kid was being a bully. The fact that he has Down's and his parents are letting him get away with the behavior speaks more to the entitlement issues of the parents. Just because their child is a special snowflake doesn't mean the kid is going to melt from a little discipline. In fact, he needs more to help him learn.

[One-Fang]

Sometimes we goof it. Don't sweat it.

What you said wasn't inappropriate for your intent. Since you didn't notice the Downs, you couldn't possibly have self-regulated your words to be clearer.

It's like a colleague at work who did a similar goof this week and was feeling crap about it. We have a consultant in regularly to deliver a certain training programme. The consultant has a slight stutter. When my colleague was asking the group going back into the room something like "having a good session?" he was very tired himself, and stuttered his words. He didn't even realise himself it was a goof but one of the receptionists overheard and said something like "ooo, that was a bit nasty", assuming it was a piss-take on the consultant.

He was most embarassed. But in all honesty, he'd simply goofed his own words. What, the consultant has a monopoly right on stuttering?

I have a fine line. I believe people own their own offence when it's taken but wasn't intended. But then again, the insult someone and then say something like "it's only a joke" or "I didn't mean it that way" when you quite clearly did, is a bully tactic I cannot stand.

[Saydrah]

I think if anyone was sucky it was possibly your husband! There's definitely something "wrong" with that kid, but it's not his Down Syndrome. Disability doesn't mean someone was made wrong. What's wrong with the kid is he was being a bully, and his parents weren't correcting him.

As a parent of an Aspie teenager whose blog I read says: "We have to keep reminding ourselves that there's no pill for asshole."

I hope the parents find services and support to help them raise their child to be polite and play well with others. Many DS parents feel isolated and are excluded from play groups and other gatherings because other parents don't want their kids playing with children who have DS. Especially in early childhood, isolation can interfere with social development, and many parents of kids with Down Syndrome unintentionally (or intentionally) isolate them until they enter school. Then in school, they may be bullied and teased, which would further interfere with developing friendships and healthy social skills. Kind of a vicious circle. But at 8, he has plenty of time to learn manners and how to be a friend, if the parents get with the program and stop lowering their expectations of his behavior because of his disability.

[DevilBoy]

The kid was misbehaving and being a annoying brat... you called it like you saw it.
No wrong done on your part at all.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

My husband didn't say what he said as an excuse for the kid's behavior. He said what he said because he was trying to put my horrificly poor choice of words into the context of having the parents of a special needs kid standing within earshot, so hopefully I wouldn't say anything else along those lines. It was his way of saying "oh, God, shut up shut up shut UP!"

He wasn't trying to say, "oh that kid is bad because he has Downs." He was saying I didn't need to talk about what was "wrong" with a handicapped kid in front of his folks. I think he realized I didn't know exactly what was going on and that given the situation, my wording was very innappropriate.

He's usually extremely astute when it comes to people situations. He susses out things like that really quickly and really accurately.

[Andrew B.]

My grandfather, who is not a psycharatrist, wrote a couple of books on the subject on Down's Syndrome, coming from his observations as a parent. He talks about what it's like to raise a child with Down's Syndorme and what he's learned. They are well written and touching.

PM me if you want the titles of the books.

[blas]

Bullies are bullies, no matter what. You called it as you saw it. You were not sucky.

Those other parents need to learn to teach their child how to interact with other children without intimidating or potentially hurting them. They don't get a free pass card because their child is special needs.

[kiwiwinelover]

I'm pretty sure that this same situation played out in the TV show Extras.
Ricky Gervais unwittingly insults a Down's syndrome(or someother form of somewhat obvious disability)kid, and unlike your story, it becomes huge in the media, very funny episode about how simple things get blown out of proportion!