You Talk to Your Mother Like That?!?

[Bagga]

Maybe we should all read or reread this:

When I Am Old.


When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!

Jenny Joseph

[LadyAndreca]

Beth, when I hear that crap I'm reminded of one of my brothers-in-law. He's determined that there will be an inheritance when my mother-in-law dies, and has made those comments in the past. He doesn't want her spending all her money now or there won't be anything left when she dies. Jackass.

My in-laws' family was like that. My father-in-law's brother didn't want a THING to do with taking care of his mother, or dealing with her alcoholism (she thought she was drinking socially), or taking her in when she was too weak to live alone (especialy combined with the alcoholism). He wouldn't even TALK to her unless they needed money, and she always gave it to him because she felt obligated to help her son out of sticky spots because she wouldn't be around much longer to need her money. Then when she started showing real signs that she actually wasn't going to be around much longer, he realized she might leave him out of the will in favor of the son that always took care of her and took her in and was always around for her to interact with. And it was DISGUSTING how much he suddenly wanted to visit her and suck up to her...

I don't know how it actually turned out when she died...none of my business, really. But it was disgusting to watch while it lasted.

[EvilEmpryss]

Beth, when I hear that crap I'm reminded of one of my brothers-in-law. He's determined that there will be an inheritance when my mother-in-law dies, and has made those comments in the past. He doesn't want her spending all her money now or there won't be anything left when she dies. Jackass.

Arminius, I think you may be right. I'm of two minds on it, though. On the one hand, a good home would be a relief for her: people who won't belittle her, she'll have consistent meals, activities, etc. On the other hand, the daughter might not put her in a good home, and her problems would only be worse.

[arminius58]

Given that the elderly lady remembered better than the daughter what was in the box, and the way the daughter kept reminding her of stuff that she's "forgetting". I would almost think that the daughter is trying to convince her mother that she needs to be put in a home. If she keeps reminding her of her "inefficencies" it will be easier to get the elderly woman in there without as much of a fuss, and the daughter can convince herself that she did the "right" thing.

[BethB]

Working where I do, I see this ALL THE BLEEP-ING TIME!!! Daughters telling their mothers what to do, don't buy that, you need this, that's not necessary, ect. It's annoying. Had one daughter belittle her mom over the amount of money she spent on groceries and such. If Mom wants to spend more money on brand name as opposed to generic, IT'S HER FLIPPING CHOICE!!! You may want the cheap crap but she doesn't. If she wants to spend HER money on a $20 DVD, that's HER choice too. She's an adult and can make a decision that will in no way affect the rotation of the planets. Treating her like a 5 yr old is NOT acceptable. It's just....grrrrrrrr!!!!

[ralerin]

Yay I rock!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yes, true, it was a busy, world falling around my ears day and I got impatient sighs and taps from the other customers, but y'know what? Fuck them. Getting mad at a slow old woman does NOTHING but make you and her upset.

Thank you. So true, and you rock.

[crazyofficeclerk]

I work in a small chain of grocery stores. The stores I have worked in are smaller and are used by a lot of elderly people because they are quick in and outs. I can't tell you how many times I have stepped in when someone is treating someone else badly. I usually step in way before it gets as bad as it did in the op. In most of the situations that I have had, the person doesn't realize what their behavior is like. Others have come back in and thanked me for stepping in. Only once did it not work, but since I knew the grandmother, I wasn't worried.

[ralerin]

Not sure if I posted this story on the boards, but here it is.

I had some woman creak up to my register on a busy day and requested my help in totaling up her purchase, she wasn't supposed to go over a certain amount and when she did, I had to void off items...you know the drill. She was nice to deal with, except she was SLOW. Slower than molasses flowing uphill on a cold day in January.

Anywho, her grandson comes in and immediately starts bitching about how he had to be somewhere by 11 and it was 10:30 and god grandma you're so slow and RRRRRGH and oh my god.

Finally I looked at him, and snapped, "She never ASKED to be that way, did she? Given the choice she'd rather be young and fit again like you!"

Guy calms down a little after that (still a bit snappy at grandma) but then he says, "Boy you're patient, aren't you?"

"In retail, you HAVE to be." Gave grandma her change and they left.

Yes, true, it was a busy, world falling around my ears day and I got impatient sighs and taps from the other customers, but y'know what? Fuck them. Getting mad at a slow old woman does NOTHING but make you and her upset.

[Marmalady]

Lord I'd never dare talk to my mother like that . Not even EVER. At 73 she can still reduce my brother (who is built like he could run through a barn wall) to a quivering heap with one look.

Anyway I wouldn't want to. After all, she is the one who cuddled me when I woke screaming with nightmares, who tore my school housemaster off a strip when he tried to humiliate me, who made my wedding cake and who looks after my boy when I'm at work. That bitch ought to remember a few things like that before she speaks to her mother again.

[morgana]

My mother is 84, and in the last stages of Alzheimers. And yes, it's very frustrating to deal with her. But still, if I EVER took that demeaning a tone with her, she'd make me sorry I'd ever been born.

I second Aethian's response. It might take guts, and it might turn the daughter's ire on you, but it might also give that poor old woman some hope.

[blas]

A tad of a threadjack, but last year when I went to file an online complaint against a sucky driver for Tender Care Transport (a transportation services for the elderly around here), I read others and was nearly angered to tears, reading stories of how some of those drivers treat the elderly people they give rides to the doctor or wherever. I couldn't believe I was even reading such horrible stuff, and that that place is still in business.

My Nanna had Alzheimers and dimensia, the last couple years of her life, she completely lost her mind. Sure, we got impatient with her, it IS hard to deal with that, but we never ever baby talked her or patronized her.

[Aethian]

The old woman was just crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just wish that there had been something I could have done to help her.

"Mam are you alright? Is this person treating you badly? Would you like me to call someone for you?"

[RxBoy]

Hmm. Ask the cashier if she can get the OW's name from the credit card she used to pay, and file a report with Adult Protective Services?

If I saw something like that I would have left my stuff on the belt and walked out behind them, making sure to get the license plate number off the car...and then when I got home I would have filed a report.

[NorthernZel]

Aw man.

Even though it's a reverse situation, I recall once I was tending a hotdog stand - a mother and her daughter came by. The daughter (approx. 8-9 years old) was very sweet and polite while ordering what I reckoned to be the cheapest meal on the menu.

But during all the time it took me to prepare the meal I could hear the mother berating her for how much she costed her, how big a burden she was, how thankful she should be that Mom allowed her to purchase the cheapest shit we had to offer and anyhow, she didn't bother cooking her dinner.... During that berating the poor little girl just stared quietly down the ground, shuffling her feet and looking embarassed.

It took all strenght in me not to tell the little girl: "You know what, the meal's on the house. You deserve that since you have to put up with such a BEE-YATCH of a mom."