Sexist guy at school sighting

[Seshat]

I'm actually thinking of physical safety here. Does this guy sound like someone who's absorbed the ideas that women can 'be asking for it' or 'really want it' or that 'she doesn't really mean no'?

If that's even a concern to you, I'd recommend talking to the campus' safety staff, especially those members of the safety staff who can help you objectively determine whether he's a risk, or you're potentially reacting to things in your past.

If they decide he's a risk, then you have their backing to get him out of your life. If not, they'll be able to help you learn to objectively assess risk - which is no small feat!

And they should be happy to help you learn to put your foot down and make your home feel more home-like and safe. Or to refer you to where you can get that help.

If you don't want to talk to a person about objectively assessing risk, try the book 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker. There's probably at least one copy in your university library.

[moekosowl]

Second the motion on "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Excellent book, every woman should have a copy.

[Eisa]

I have The Gift of Fear! It was incredible. Also rather scary to read--you know that checklist about an abusive partner who has the potential to kill you? My ex fit like 20 of those.

Going off that, I don't really get a fear instinct. More of a "Gawd, you're an annoying creep" instinct. I could be wrong, but it seems like he's way more likely to talk than act. Although he also said that when he goes to parties, all the girls hang all over him, even if they have bfs. [Also the guy who said that he got SO drunk by drinking like...I don't know...ten different kinds of alcohol? It was ridiculous. And apparently? He drank 2 beers and puked on a front porch. ]

I don't know what he thinks. He seems like rape is a joke to him, but I don't know, I haven't seen him enough.

A talk about everything sounds like a REALLY good idea, it's just having all my roommates together at the same time with no one else here that's the hard part.

I don't know about talking to campus safety...there isn't a specific safety in housing staff as far as I know. And we never actually had a roommate agreement. Just the agreement with housing about stuff like not having a toaster or a pet and not drinking even if you're of age [although I have a feeling if you're quiet about it, they kind of...ignore you...IF you're of age. If you're not, you're screwed.]

And the sad thing is my pj's could basically be worn like normal clothes. It's just that I'm wearing my penguin pj pants and a dress-up button-up shirt my bf got me. It's kind of...big as you can imagine.

And ooooh, cricket bat and cheese grater. I'll take EXCELLENT care of them.

Inside for sure, he's ugly...outside, he's not like hideous-looking but definitely not as attractive as his attitude would make you believe. He acts really...conceited? Especially about his hair. I have no idea why.

[Sapphire Silk]

Self image. He's built up a self image about himself that is, unfortunately, toxic.

If your "creep" alarm is going off, then its going off for a reason. I don't buy the line about girls hanging all over him in front of their boyfriends (although if true, it might explain why he's ugly ). But in truth, he's just building himself up.

My bet is it will be a short time before he tries to convince you to have sex with him, and he'll make it out like it was your idea. Do not be drunk around this guy! Do not be around him when he's drunk.

My skin's crawling . . . I've known guys like this when I was in college.

There are plenty of truly nice guys out there who will not try to get in your pants or talk about sex with you on the first meeting, and they're not all in the Christian clubs. Get involved on campus . . . you'll meet plenty of great guys that way who will make you feel good about yourself for the right reasons.

[PepperElf]

o god. he's a hair prima donna too?

sounds like this guy thinks his cock - and hair - are made out of gold
or so he wants everyone to believe.

[Eisa]

o god. he's a hair prima donna too?

sounds like this guy thinks his cock - and hair - are made out of gold
or so he wants everyone to believe.

Yes, he's a hair prima donna, too. And according to him, he has a really bad temper. A girl once flicked a bean at his shirt [yes, that's it] and he went OFF on her, calling her a "fucking bitch" and just screaming at her. All over a bean. Why he would admit to being a jackass like that, I don't know.

Nah, not gold, more like...pot metal...

Self image. He's built up a self image about himself that is, unfortunately, toxic.

If your "creep" alarm is going off, then its going off for a reason. I don't buy the line about girls hanging all over him in front of their boyfriends (although if true, it might explain why he's ugly ). But in truth, he's just building himself up.

My bet is it will be a short time before he tries to convince you to have sex with him, and he'll make it out like it was your idea. Do not be drunk around this guy! Do not be around him when he's drunk.

My skin's crawling . . . I've known guys like this when I was in college.

There are plenty of truly nice guys out there who will not try to get in your pants or talk about sex with you on the first meeting, and they're not all in the Christian clubs. Get involved on campus . . . you'll meet plenty of great guys that way who will make you feel good about yourself for the right reasons.

Yeah, I don't buy it, either. Unless they're so drunk, they've lost all reason and common sense. [which sadly can happen ] I would never be drunk around him. *shudders* I don't want to get drunk, anyway. I know that I do not hold alcohol well [a Smirnoff Ice gets me tipsy ], so the only one I want to ever be possibly drunk around is my bf. Oh yeah...I has a bf now who IS very nice. The only unfortunate part is that it's long-distance, as he lives quite far away. He thinks I should ignore him if I don't think it's a problem or talk to my roomies...definitely leaning toward talking to the roomies. He creeps me out. And now I DO pay attention to my instincts [I should have with my ex...my creep factor went off the charts, I didn't even want to go near him...should have listened to that!]. My instincts are fairly right on, but I know I tend to exaggerate what someone is capable of. Like...if he's just a creep, it's scarier than that to me, and shouldn't be. *sighs*

[Marszenka]

If you're really so nervous about this, why not write your concerns and ideas down and leave a copy for your roommates to read? Writing things down is not as terrifying as making things up on the spot, and you can go over your wording so you sound exactly the way you want yourself to sound.

[Seshat]

An explosive temper on top of everything else? Ouch.

I wouldn't tolerate that around me.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

You have to remember that some people use the word "nice guy" differently than I, or maybe you, would.

Example:

Them: That guy is a nice guy.
Me: That guy is a fuckstick.

See, if someone habitually uses the words "nice guy" where a normal person would use the word "fuckstick", that's probably a good tip off that what is coming out of their mouth is crazy talk and should be ignored.

[Whiskey]

^theres also the womens version of "nice guy"

Me: oh yeah hes a.... *looks around, looks at the floor, makes an uncomfortable face* nice guy?

I can never see this thread and not read sexist as "sexiest"

[Indigo]

Thank you, PepperElf. I'm at least lucky in that I get my own room because it's a 4 bedroom suite...but we still share a living room/kitchen/bathroom...and this guy gets really LOUD. My roomies have their bfs over all the time and I don't mind too much, although I would appreciate not getting up to go to the bathroom and finding a guy I barely know in the living room with no gf in sight! I don't want random guys seeing me in my pj's, you know? So I think that's maybe another thing to bring up, but not as important as C.S.

I would say that this point is just as important as C.S. I have a very similar set-up with my dorm and anytime my SO is over, he stays in my room. IMO if you have a friend over (no matter the sex) then you should be with the friend, not just abandoning them in your room. I had a previous roommate (when I was in the 2 people, 1 room dorm) who thought it was perfectly ok to leave her bf in the room while she was in class. I'd walk in and have absolutely no privacy because he was chillin in her bed watching tv. I hated that and would never want to subject my roomies to that. The only reason a guest of mine would be alone is if I am in the bathroom.

Baseline - your room and 1/4 of the common areas are yours. You get a say in who can come over, how long, and when.

Time to set rules. Especially rules over when non-residents are welcome in the suite.

Get all the suitemates together for a meeting (when there is NO ONE ELSE in the suite), tell them that you have some problems with the way you feel when you're in what is effectively your home for the year, and that you'd like to discuss some ground rules and guidelines. They're freshmen, so they're not used to the level of freedom the dorms offer them, and the "roommate agreements" are generally overlooked.

Before you go to the meeting, write down what you want to happen in the suite. This includes cleaning arrangements, quiet time, and use of common items like the couch, stove, any common cooking utensils, and paper products (toilet tissue, kleenex, paper towels). Be willing to negotiate. If you're not comfortable addressing a specific person, address the situation. Have your non-negotiable points, and your points that you're willing to give a bit on.

Agreed. I have learned to be a hard-ass when it comes to my non-negotiable points because otherwise they don't take it seriously. Freshmen usually have never had to deal with the realities of running a household (even a household of 1) on a day to day basis. Many of them don't seem to realize that not everyone is going to be ok with everything and that compromises need to be made. And unfortunately that means that they do not have unlimited freedom like they thought they would.


BTW - PM me if you want any advice on roommate agreements. I have done more than my fair share of them.

[Eisa]

Seshat: Yeah, that freaked me out. He went into that story apparently because he wanted to go off on L. for something completely stupid. I get having a temper...because I know when I lose mine, it can be sometimes not pretty...but it takes a LOT to get me there and I'm enormously apologetic afterward. Oh yeah, now I remember, it was because L. threatened to mess up his hair. Dude. It's just hair. Which isn't all that great, anyway, seriously. [He does the whole 'gel it up and put in all spiky down the middle'...which I think looks totally stupid.]

I didn't think L. was the kind of person who would mistake a fuckwit for a nice guy, but...I guess we all make mistakes. And maybe he's been nicer in the past and only turned into a REAL douche now that he's hit college? I'm sure that's happened before.

And at Whiskey...yeah, he would like to THINK he's the sexiest...

I would say that this point is just as important as C.S. I have a very similar set-up with my dorm and anytime my SO is over, he stays in my room. IMO if you have a friend over (no matter the sex) then you should be with the friend, not just abandoning them in your room. I had a previous roommate (when I was in the 2 people, 1 room dorm) who thought it was perfectly ok to leave her bf in the room while she was in class. I'd walk in and have absolutely no privacy because he was chillin in her bed watching tv. I hated that and would never want to subject my roomies to that. The only reason a guest of mine would be alone is if I am in the bathroom.

Baseline - your room and 1/4 of the common areas are yours. You get a say in who can come over, how long, and when.




Agreed. I have learned to be a hard-ass when it comes to my non-negotiable points because otherwise they don't take it seriously. Freshmen usually have never had to deal with the realities of running a household (even a household of 1) on a day to day basis. Many of them don't seem to realize that not everyone is going to be ok with everything and that compromises need to be made. And unfortunately that means that they do not have unlimited freedom like they thought they would.


BTW - PM me if you want any advice on roommate agreements. I have done more than my fair share of them.

If my SO ever comes and visits me in the dorm, he'd be staying in my room, too, or if I were out in the living room, he could be with me. But I wouldn't just leave him out in the common area unless I was going to the bathroom. It's like, hey, it's great that you feel so comfortable in the suite and it's great to have friends over...I'd just prefer y'all stay with them. I know one time, I think S. was getting ready in her room, so she had her friend stay out in the living room. If you're not ready yet, how about he stays outside maybe? He can wait in the hallway, it's not like it's actually outdoors...or is that too bitchy?

She just left her bf in the room? WHY? If you had the suite setup, that might be ok...I mean, you might not even have known he was there [although I would definitely prefer to know]. But...ewww. Just ew. I got freaked out enough at the thought of taking a shower while L.'s bf was here, and that was when I undressed in the bathroom and then RE-dressed so everything was perfectly covered...it just made me uncomfortable.

And yeah, unfortunately. I first thought it was a "first time away from home" thing, but it's MY first time living away from home, too [I used to just live in my parents' house...same town as school and all, but wanted independence finally]. And I haven't acted anything at all like this. I haven't had any friends over, actually, but if I do, same rules would apply to me. Don't leave them alone, introduce them, etc. I actually kind of wonder if it should be like an advance notice thing, but since it's a suite and not a room, I don't think that's quite fair. Plus, sometimes you can't have it and all, so yeah. But I already know better than to just have random people over really early in the morning/really late at night [although to their credit, they DO try to be quiet then].

I'm also a bit annoyed at how my roommates let their friends use our washer/dryer, now that I think about it. We have our own washer/dryer setup in the suite that's NOT coin-operated. So they've been letting a bunch of people use it for their laundry. Which...I don't know. I think it's ok to do that, but I'd MUCH prefer advance notice and I would prefer that it's not more than like 2-3 extra people IF that. Not "everyone they know..."

Methinks I need to PM you for roomie agreement advice...

[Magpie]

And yeah, unfortunately. I first thought it was a "first time away from home" thing, but it's MY first time living away from home, too [I used to just live in my parents' house...same town as school and all, but wanted independence finally]. And I haven't acted anything at all like this. I haven't had any friends over, actually, but if I do, same rules would apply to me. Don't leave them alone, introduce them, etc. I actually kind of wonder if it should be like an advance notice thing, but since it's a suite and not a room, I don't think that's quite fair. Plus, sometimes you can't have it and all, so yeah. But I already know better than to just have random people over really early in the morning/really late at night [although to their credit, they DO try to be quiet then].

Some people just take longer to figure it out than others do. Family dynamics can be a big part of it. Also, around 18 different people have reached vastly different levels of maturity. (My teachers all felt that the switch four-year high school was a problem because that fifth year is really important for maturing, I feel very lucky to be born in the beginning of the year, because I noticed a huge difference over the course of grade 12, which is our last year of high school). I knew some people who had been away from home already for at least three terms (living in residence, don't know where, and then in the house I joined them in), but who were still in the "mom and dad aren't here to make me do it right" phase. Me? Well, yes, I ate a lot of sausage for breakfast (at 9:00), and other stupid stuff like that in first year, but even in first year I made sure that there was cleaning done for suite inspection (full cleaning, not just the required "not living in filth"), and I wasn't the idiot who kept a fan running in the middle of the day in the summer.

[Sapphire Silk]

I'm also a bit annoyed at how my roommates let their friends use our washer/dryer, now that I think about it. We have our own washer/dryer setup in the suite that's NOT coin-operated. So they've been letting a bunch of people use it for their laundry. Which...I don't know. I think it's ok to do that, but I'd MUCH prefer advance notice and I would prefer that it's not more than like 2-3 extra people IF that. Not "everyone they know..."

Methinks I need to PM you for roomie agreement advice...

Do you and your roomies pay the electric bill or the water bill? If so, you might want to rethink letting others use your washer/dryer.

Letting a friend use something in an emergency is one thing; it becoming a regular habit is taking advantage. You and your roomies need to put a stop to it before the EW's take over completely.

At this rate, your roomies are going to start letting their "friends" sleep in your bed.

[Magpie]

I can understand that the OP would be uncomfortable with people just using her suite as a place to hang out, without visiting with a friend. But I think that telling them they have to wait in the hall isn't going to work. It depends on when this happens. 8 at night? Not really a problem. Midnight? Yeah, you and your roommates need to talk about strange people in the suite at night.

As for the washroom: have you considered just using a bathrobe, like if you were in a dorm, or if you were living in a mixed house?