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Sigh...I like this hotel for the amount of awesome guests I tend to have (and I have an alarmingly high number), but it just makes the rare shitty night that much worse. So, let us begin...
Adult Child Campfire Gathering
I get a noise complaint from a floor, and go up to see if I can find it. Seeing as I can hear a loud conversation word-for-word before the elevator doors open I don't think it's going to be much of a challenge. Sure enough, there are 6 people just sitting in the hallway with their beers, tequila, scotch, vodka, and so on...
/facepalm
Me: Excuse me folks, we're getting a lot of noise complaints. It's after 10pm, we really need to quiet things down.
Idiot 1: There's no complaints, it's all our family in these rooms (points to the rooms they're sitting outside).
Me: You're audible from inside the elevators, and I've had 4 rooms call down to complain on this floor, so that's 4 more complaints than we want. You need to clear the hall, and keep the noise down.
Idiot 2: Fine! Yeesh!
They look away...and I stand there waiting. After a few seconds, they look at me confused.
Idiot 1: Is there anything else?
Me: I just told you, I need the hallway clear and quiet. I'm just waiting on you now.
Idiots: (collective glare)
They go into their rooms, but I can see they're just waiting for me to walk away, so I just keep standing there staring right at them, looking at my invisible watch. They finally shut their doors, and I know I'll be back in 5 minutes.
Campfire, Round 2
Sure enough, I walk away and they are back in the hall partying. I get more complaints, and I go right back up and repeat the conversation, but with some additions:
Me: I thought I was clear before guys. Hallway, clear. Noise, gone. I walk away and I have 2 calls coming in before I even get behind the front desk again, and here we are.
Idiot 1: But this is all us (motioning again to the rooms they are in front of) so we know there's no complaint. It's all our friends and family here.
Me: (grr, pointing to several rooms) They're not your family, they're not your friends, they're the people who paid to sleep comfortably in their rooms for the night, which you're preventing at 11:00 at night. Now, I have to make this clear: sitting in the hall and throwing a party isn't an option, nor is keeping everyone out here awake. That leaves two options: you quiet down and go to sleep, or you keep making noise, and the next time we have complaints, we have to ask you to leave the hotel. That is going to be your decision, so I suggest you make it now. I would rather you quieted down and saved me the aggravation of having to make you leave, but it's going to be up to you. Until you decide, hallway: empty. Now.
More glares, but they go back into their rooms faster this time, and I'm just getting ready for round 3.
This face was made for walking...
That's just what it do. This woman was so hammered, her face failed to continue resembling a face. A foot, maybe, after 8 hours in a pool with too much chlorine, but not a face. She's not ugly, she just doesn't look like she formed quite right from the primordial goo. I first became aware of her when a newlywed couple came back to the hotel and she started bugging the bride...who very gracefully endured her drunken attentions, and disengaged with her new husband quickly while I played Captain Distracto. Footface then regaled me with...something. I don't know.
FF: Whaazz...jurblema...mah boyfriend gonna...ffffffffffffffff.
Me: I....see?
She wandered off after a few minutes, and I just started to wonder what I had done to deserve this on my Friday.
Noise, round 3
Nice Guest: I'm sorry to complain, but the room next to us, ###, has been at it all night going crazy with noise. They just woke us all up, my son has a baseball game early in the morning that we're here for, can you please tell them to shut up?
Me: I'm so sorry about that, I'll be up there in a few seconds to quiet them down, and I'll try to stay up there to make sure they stay quiet. This should hopefully just take a moment.
NG: Thanks a ton.
It's on the same floor as the Camp Fire Crew, but opposite side of the hallway, so I head up. Once again, I can hear them clearly from inside the elevators before the doors open, but there's no one in the halls this time. It's that loud from inside NG's neighboring room with the door closed. Yeesh. Naturally, when I knock, all I get is "SHHHH!"s as if I somehow would forget they were that noisy. The door opens, but someone is hiding behind it, so I can't see them. I don't recognize the guys I do see, so I give them the noise warning, emphasizing that it's after midnight at this point. They close the door, and I shit you not I take 2 steps away before they make noise even louder than before. I knock once again and they shut up, so I hang around outside. They quiet down, and I head downstairs.
A couple minutes later, I go back up, and again can hear them from down the hall, but there are 2 people outside the room that I recognize from the Camp Fire. I've upgraded their status in my mind, so they get different names as we have this conversation:
Asshole 1 (Woman): I need to ask you something.
Me: Alright.
AH1: If we were paying full price, and weren't here as a group, would you be treating us like this?
Me: You mean, 'telling you that you were being too loud and disturbing other people in the hotel who were trying to sleep?'
AH1: Yes.
Me: Yes.
AH1: But we know there's no complaints.
Asshole 2 (Man): Yeah, this is all our people.
Me: You can say there's no complaints all you like, it doesn't change the number of times we've been called to come up here and talk to you.
AH2: You're not getting complaints, you're just stalking up here to try and intimidate us when there's no noise.
As he says this, and keep in mind we're halfway down the hall from their room, a burst of laughter and talking emanates from the room and carries down the hall to us.
Me: I can obviously hear quite a bit of noise from all the way down here. If I can hear it, your neighbors can hear it.
AH2: L-
Me: (Cutting him off) I've also told you before that any more noise means we will ask you to leave. Now, I'm not going to argue with you any more. The next time I have to come deliver a noise complaint, it will be with the police department along. You will be told to pack your things and leave, and not return. Whether or not you believe that people on this floor are complaining is no longer my problem, but whether or not I get another complaint is. We have tried to reason with you, we have been polite and gentle up to this point, but enough is enough. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
AH2 to AH1: It's fine, we'll just talk to the desk in the morning. (gives me a smug look)
Me: That's fine, the General Manager will be here in the morning, she's the one who's given the authorization to evict you for further problems. I'm sure she would love to speak with you in the morning.
They finally go to bed; I check a few times overnight, but they (finally) stay quiet. FFS...
The Domestic Assault Lightning Round?
Footface returns to the lobby, mumbling incoherently, before finally asking if she can sit in the dining area. I say sure and send her off, but she comes back moments later and says her first coherent sentence of the night: "If a guy calls and asks if I'm in the lobby, can you say I left?"
Fuck. At least she's not beaten up or anything, on top of morphing into weirder shapes by the second.
Me: I can...do you need me to call you a taxi or anyone else?
FF: No, I'm calling someone. (stumbles off)
This leads to me sitting around in case Captain Punchy the 89436th comes down and looks for her, but she just keeps stumbling around in circles. She seems to try to call people on her cell with no success, then eventually stumbles back to the elevator when I'm distracted and vanishes. This night is just getting better and better, let me tell you. I really don't want to have to call the police for another domestic this week...one was enough, thank you.
One bit of awesome though...
My last check in of the night came in late, and had two massive dogs with him, one of which was a service dog in training. The guest asks if he can have the dog jump up as a training thing to look over the counter, and I say sure. He hops up and puts his front paws on the counter and looks at me.
Me: You are a big one, aren't you?
Dog: Woof.
I don't mean he barked, I mean he very slowly said "woof" at me then stuck out his tongue in a doggie grin when I burst out laughing. Totally a positive for my night
That's all SO FAR, but I have 5 hours to go. We'll see if more gets added...
Adult Child Campfire Gathering
I get a noise complaint from a floor, and go up to see if I can find it. Seeing as I can hear a loud conversation word-for-word before the elevator doors open I don't think it's going to be much of a challenge. Sure enough, there are 6 people just sitting in the hallway with their beers, tequila, scotch, vodka, and so on...
/facepalm
Me: Excuse me folks, we're getting a lot of noise complaints. It's after 10pm, we really need to quiet things down.
Idiot 1: There's no complaints, it's all our family in these rooms (points to the rooms they're sitting outside).
Me: You're audible from inside the elevators, and I've had 4 rooms call down to complain on this floor, so that's 4 more complaints than we want. You need to clear the hall, and keep the noise down.
Idiot 2: Fine! Yeesh!
They look away...and I stand there waiting. After a few seconds, they look at me confused.
Idiot 1: Is there anything else?
Me: I just told you, I need the hallway clear and quiet. I'm just waiting on you now.
Idiots: (collective glare)
They go into their rooms, but I can see they're just waiting for me to walk away, so I just keep standing there staring right at them, looking at my invisible watch. They finally shut their doors, and I know I'll be back in 5 minutes.
Campfire, Round 2
Sure enough, I walk away and they are back in the hall partying. I get more complaints, and I go right back up and repeat the conversation, but with some additions:
Me: I thought I was clear before guys. Hallway, clear. Noise, gone. I walk away and I have 2 calls coming in before I even get behind the front desk again, and here we are.
Idiot 1: But this is all us (motioning again to the rooms they are in front of) so we know there's no complaint. It's all our friends and family here.
Me: (grr, pointing to several rooms) They're not your family, they're not your friends, they're the people who paid to sleep comfortably in their rooms for the night, which you're preventing at 11:00 at night. Now, I have to make this clear: sitting in the hall and throwing a party isn't an option, nor is keeping everyone out here awake. That leaves two options: you quiet down and go to sleep, or you keep making noise, and the next time we have complaints, we have to ask you to leave the hotel. That is going to be your decision, so I suggest you make it now. I would rather you quieted down and saved me the aggravation of having to make you leave, but it's going to be up to you. Until you decide, hallway: empty. Now.
More glares, but they go back into their rooms faster this time, and I'm just getting ready for round 3.
This face was made for walking...
That's just what it do. This woman was so hammered, her face failed to continue resembling a face. A foot, maybe, after 8 hours in a pool with too much chlorine, but not a face. She's not ugly, she just doesn't look like she formed quite right from the primordial goo. I first became aware of her when a newlywed couple came back to the hotel and she started bugging the bride...who very gracefully endured her drunken attentions, and disengaged with her new husband quickly while I played Captain Distracto. Footface then regaled me with...something. I don't know.
FF: Whaazz...jurblema...mah boyfriend gonna...ffffffffffffffff.
Me: I....see?
She wandered off after a few minutes, and I just started to wonder what I had done to deserve this on my Friday.
Noise, round 3
Nice Guest: I'm sorry to complain, but the room next to us, ###, has been at it all night going crazy with noise. They just woke us all up, my son has a baseball game early in the morning that we're here for, can you please tell them to shut up?
Me: I'm so sorry about that, I'll be up there in a few seconds to quiet them down, and I'll try to stay up there to make sure they stay quiet. This should hopefully just take a moment.
NG: Thanks a ton.
It's on the same floor as the Camp Fire Crew, but opposite side of the hallway, so I head up. Once again, I can hear them clearly from inside the elevators before the doors open, but there's no one in the halls this time. It's that loud from inside NG's neighboring room with the door closed. Yeesh. Naturally, when I knock, all I get is "SHHHH!"s as if I somehow would forget they were that noisy. The door opens, but someone is hiding behind it, so I can't see them. I don't recognize the guys I do see, so I give them the noise warning, emphasizing that it's after midnight at this point. They close the door, and I shit you not I take 2 steps away before they make noise even louder than before. I knock once again and they shut up, so I hang around outside. They quiet down, and I head downstairs.
A couple minutes later, I go back up, and again can hear them from down the hall, but there are 2 people outside the room that I recognize from the Camp Fire. I've upgraded their status in my mind, so they get different names as we have this conversation:
Asshole 1 (Woman): I need to ask you something.
Me: Alright.
AH1: If we were paying full price, and weren't here as a group, would you be treating us like this?
Me: You mean, 'telling you that you were being too loud and disturbing other people in the hotel who were trying to sleep?'
AH1: Yes.
Me: Yes.
AH1: But we know there's no complaints.
Asshole 2 (Man): Yeah, this is all our people.
Me: You can say there's no complaints all you like, it doesn't change the number of times we've been called to come up here and talk to you.
AH2: You're not getting complaints, you're just stalking up here to try and intimidate us when there's no noise.
As he says this, and keep in mind we're halfway down the hall from their room, a burst of laughter and talking emanates from the room and carries down the hall to us.
Me: I can obviously hear quite a bit of noise from all the way down here. If I can hear it, your neighbors can hear it.
AH2: L-
Me: (Cutting him off) I've also told you before that any more noise means we will ask you to leave. Now, I'm not going to argue with you any more. The next time I have to come deliver a noise complaint, it will be with the police department along. You will be told to pack your things and leave, and not return. Whether or not you believe that people on this floor are complaining is no longer my problem, but whether or not I get another complaint is. We have tried to reason with you, we have been polite and gentle up to this point, but enough is enough. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
AH2 to AH1: It's fine, we'll just talk to the desk in the morning. (gives me a smug look)
Me: That's fine, the General Manager will be here in the morning, she's the one who's given the authorization to evict you for further problems. I'm sure she would love to speak with you in the morning.
They finally go to bed; I check a few times overnight, but they (finally) stay quiet. FFS...
The Domestic Assault Lightning Round?
Footface returns to the lobby, mumbling incoherently, before finally asking if she can sit in the dining area. I say sure and send her off, but she comes back moments later and says her first coherent sentence of the night: "If a guy calls and asks if I'm in the lobby, can you say I left?"
Fuck. At least she's not beaten up or anything, on top of morphing into weirder shapes by the second.
Me: I can...do you need me to call you a taxi or anyone else?
FF: No, I'm calling someone. (stumbles off)
This leads to me sitting around in case Captain Punchy the 89436th comes down and looks for her, but she just keeps stumbling around in circles. She seems to try to call people on her cell with no success, then eventually stumbles back to the elevator when I'm distracted and vanishes. This night is just getting better and better, let me tell you. I really don't want to have to call the police for another domestic this week...one was enough, thank you.
One bit of awesome though...
My last check in of the night came in late, and had two massive dogs with him, one of which was a service dog in training. The guest asks if he can have the dog jump up as a training thing to look over the counter, and I say sure. He hops up and puts his front paws on the counter and looks at me.
Me: You are a big one, aren't you?
Dog: Woof.
I don't mean he barked, I mean he very slowly said "woof" at me then stuck out his tongue in a doggie grin when I burst out laughing. Totally a positive for my night
That's all SO FAR, but I have 5 hours to go. We'll see if more gets added...
How funny! Was the dog a German Shepherd? One of my former neighbors had a huge German Shepherd who'd utter a slow basso profundo "woof" from time to time. Scary-looking dog but gentle as a bunny rabbit.
I don't know about anyone else, but I'd agree to any reasonable request.
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