I Feel Sick

[Sapphire Silk]

He wouldn't leave, and got more persistent, ending up by grabbing my face and trying to kiss me on the mouth. I ducked away and I think I pushed him, I'm not sure. Thankfully he left and I was able to get back to my coworkers. They were horrified and sent me on break straight away.

You were sexually assaulted. What he did was a CRIME. If he comes in again, call the cops and pressing charges is your right.

What happened to you was sexual assault. It was a crime and you were the victim. You are in no way responsible for the actions of the criminal.

What you are experiencing now is rape victim guilt. While no, he did not go that far, the feelings of violation and guilt are still there. This is a normal reaction. Don't minimize your feelings. They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I would suggest a couple of different things.

1) Talk to your management and hopefully they will ban the customer. If you were my employee I would do so without a second thought.

2) Call a rape crisis center. They are there to help you deal with these feelings. You may consider this "incident" minor, but they are there for victims of all sex crimes, not just violent rape. When I volunteered at one we helped many women who were victims of crimes similar to what you just experienced. They will help you deal with the emotions you are going through right now.

3) Consider filing a police report. While they might not do anything about your specific case, if this guy did it to you, he's probably done it before and will likely do it again. If the police have several similar reports they might be able to do something about it.

This. So this. Your feelings are NORMAL, but you need to talk to a professional AND a trusted friend to work through the feelings and emotions.

[Pixilated]

Everybody's pretty much covered all the bases, but I'd just like to add the "coulda/shoulda/woulda" aftermath is also normal. However, having said that, you were obviously taken completely by surprise (which I'm sure he was depending on), so as somebody earlier said, please try hard to cut yourself some slack. The hand-kissing was odd but certainly not anywhere near enough for you to be able to anticipate his next move.

Will your management put you in a more heavily staffed area for a while, until you feel comfortable being in a more isolated area again?

Hugs and chocolate chip cookies to you ...

[Seshat]

And what Mathnerd and Sapphire Silk said was the stage 2 I was expecting.

If your shop has cameras in the area you were in, you have every right to ask the police to claim the recordings of that day and time as evidence.

His behaviour IS sexual assault. Yes, as SA goes, this particular incident was somewhat minor. So was the incident when a man tried to keep putting his hand up my thigh - when I was somewhere between 12 and 14. (And desperately shy, and afraid of making a fuss, and ....)

Your first step is making sure that YOU are okay.

However, if you can ever identify him or collect evidence on him, please give serious thought to pressing charges. Or even just having the incident on record with the police: a recorded history of this sort of incident can make a difference if he ever tries this - or worse - again.

But I reiterate: step 1 is making sure you're okay. You're a victim of crime. Take care of you, heal, recover.

[Akasa]

*offers up chocolates and booze*
I don't have anything to add but my support.

[Golden Phoenix]

And what Mathnerd and Sapphire Silk said was the stage 2 I was expecting.

If your shop has cameras in the area you were in, you have every right to ask the police to claim the recordings of that day and time as evidence.

His behaviour IS sexual assault. Yes, as SA goes, this particular incident was somewhat minor. So was the incident when a man tried to keep putting his hand up my thigh - when I was somewhere between 12 and 14. (And desperately shy, and afraid of making a fuss, and ....)

Your first step is making sure that YOU are okay.

However, if you can ever identify him or collect evidence on him, please give serious thought to pressing charges. Or even just having the incident on record with the police: a recorded history of this sort of incident can make a difference if he ever tries this - or worse - again.

But I reiterate: step 1 is making sure you're okay. You're a victim of crime. Take care of you, heal, recover.

This.

And I'd also like to point out that this guy knew when and where to go to do this, he'd thought it out so that he could get a female associate in a remote part of the store when there wouldn't be a lot of people around.

You did exactly the right thing, got yourself out of there without hurting him (although i don't think anyone would have really blamed you if you'd sucker punched the slimeball so you could get away)

I'll also second a call to the police, if he prepared this little "stunt" so carefully this time there's a huge chance he's done it before and will do it again, and the next person may not be able to escape...

Huge huge hugs coming your way.

[Phantasmagoria]

Thank you for all the replies. I do feel better knowing so many people can say it isn't my fault.

I've had a think about it and realised that if it had happened to someone else I would have been saying the same thing to them that you are all saying to me, and I wouldn't blame them at all, so it seems silly to be blaming myself... Nevertheless, I'm still kicking myself a little bit, but it's something I'll just have to work through. In a way, I'm sort of glad it happened to ME, as one of the staff members working that day is only 16, so at least since it was me it wasn't her! It has made me stop and think about all the times you see something worse happening in the news and lots of people, including me, start to say, "well if I was her, I would have...." and you really, really think you would do something, and then it happens and... you don't. I shan't be saying "I would have..." again in a hurry!

My parents have asked why I (or a manager) didn't call the police. I don't know why they didn't, I was quite shaken up and, quite honestly, didn't even think of it. Now my description of him would match about 25% of the population of my city. There is no cctv. I described my workplace as a 'shop' because it's quite specific and unique so I didn't want to say exactly what it is. We do sell stuff as well, so... 'shop', but because of the type of place it is, for various reasons, there is no cctv. It would make sense if I could properly explain it, but I would rather not. I've filled in a report with my manager, so hopefully something will be done to stop things like it happening to other people in the future.

I'm very lucky to have one or two good friends who have taken me out for cake and to play with cute animals, and my lovely boyfriend who has been very supportive.

Thank you again for all the support on here. It may only take a few mins to type but it really does mean a lot.

[Seshat]

I've had a think about it and realised that if it had happened to someone else I would have been saying the same thing to them that you are all saying to me, and I wouldn't blame them at all, so it seems silly to be blaming myself... Nevertheless, I'm still kicking myself a little bit, but it's something I'll just have to work through. In a way, I'm sort of glad it happened to ME, as one of the staff members working that day is only 16, so at least since it was me it wasn't her!

Yes, it's something we women tend to absorb in our culture; the idea that sexual assault and/or rape is somehow 'our fault'. Keep talking to the part of you that is thinking that, as if it were someone else. Keep reminding yourself it isn't, keep saying what we're saying. Eventually you'll start to believe it.

And yes, I fully understand what you mean about the 'at least it was me, not her' part. I agree with you: you can probably handle it better than her. (Or at least, than a random 16 year old.)

NOT saying it should have happened to anyone, mind you! But at least since it did happen....